International Romance

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms. I, Aug 17, 2009.

  1. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    How many of you have dated someone from another country? How did you meet & how long did the relationship last? Would you do it again? Share your stories! :D

    I've never done it, but I'm sure it's a great experience, but I couldn't do the long distance relationship thing. Heck, I wouldn't want my SO to be an hour away from me, let alone another state or country! :dizzy:

    If I was vacationing in a certain country & met someone & we dated during my stay where we could see each other regularly, that's one thing, but it would take a lot of work to keep it up once I went back to where I live.
     
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  3. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    Run the other way!!!

    My sister led a long distance romance and then he came to visit her and they married 3 days later. She moved to be with him and the nightmare started. Everything he said had been a lie. Yes, he owned a business - it was bankrupt, however. Yes, he was sensitive - as long as he wasn't drunk which was most of the time. He was abusive, broke and a jerk. She lost everything she owned until she finally got out.
     
  4. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Oh no, that's a shame! Yes, there's too much trickery that the foreigner could do that I'd have to watch out for. If I ever dated someone out of the country, it would just be for fun (not that I'd ever have the chance to do that anyway! ):)...no plans to marry him. Who knows what he has up his sleeve.

    BTW, I'll never understand women who move to be w/ a man. The men should be wililng to move for their women! (No offense)
     
  5. mollydoll

    mollydoll Connoisseur

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    I did this, but it made the most sense. I was able to live in his country immediately, without fuss, while it would have been an ordeal the other way around. I also had a job that allowed me to work remotely from anywhere in the world, while he was still in school. Moving also put me closer to parts of my family that I had limited contact with. So, there were benefits to me too. The relationship didn't work out, but there was nothing sinister. I don't want to talk about it, but we were together 4 yrs.

    If I were to be in a similar situation again, I would still consider moving, but I firmly believe that things need to be equitable--both parties need to make sacrifices or it isn't going to work.
     
  6. WindyCityGal606

    WindyCityGal606 Enthusiast

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    My parents were from two different worlds and I grew up watching them clash culturally and religiously. I'm sure they each felt they were in the right but I can tell you that it takes a lot of work to make it work.
    With that said, I have dated men from other cultures here in the U.S. and it is difficult at times. If we had to do it long distance, we probably would have gotten along better.
     
  7. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    I dated and married a man from a foreign country. But, his family was a friend of my family, and we had known them for years.
     
  8. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    I am doing this right now, too, and I actually get very resentful of people who make that comment directly to me. I am a very strong, independent woman, and I was trying to move up the ladder at my job. My boyfriend tried for about 6 months to find anything in this area, but he is in IT and all the jobs in this area are for banks or insurance cos. NOT where you want to be working now. He works for the state - great salary for someone with an Associate's, benefits better than anything I could hope to have, and a pension. He couldn't find anything comparable in this area.

    BUT when I decided to start looking up there instead, I knew that even though I was moving to be with him, the move had to be for ME so that even if he and I didn't work out for some reason, I would never regret it. I always said that I wanted to try living in a different state in my life (that was on my "bucket list") and I also knew that my current job was a toxic environment and they would keep throwing me bones to shut me up but that I would never move up the ladder. And I knew that if I wanted to study education on a doctoral level at an Ivy League school, which I plan to do, I need to have more education experience than working in one school, esp one that is NOT representative of how most schools are run. When the seniority list came out this year and I saw that I was on the top half of it, I literally thanked my boyfriend for giving me a reason to leave because I did NOT want to work in that school for the rest of my life, but I probably would have if he didn't give me a reason to try something new.

    So I know you don't know me, and I know from previous posts that you don't think people should live together without being married, but PLEASE don't judge women who do this. I am not "teehee I do whatever my boyfriend tells me" and I would hate to think that someone would judge me based on the end result when they don't know what an extremely difficult decision this was and how much thought I put into it, not just for my relationship, but for ME. Sorry for the :hijack:
     
  9. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    My ex lived in the United-States for the last couple of years of our romance. We met when he was a young hockey player (about 2 years younger than I am) and he was still living at home. We managed to see each other regularly still, because he would fly me down to see him whenever I wasn't working, or he'd fly home when he wasn't.

    At the end of the day however, he was cheating on me the whole time, so it probably wasn't the best thing.
     
  10. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    My dh was in the military when we were dating and engaged (and for much of our marriage). Long distance realtionships CAN work, but just like any relationship, you have to WORK at it- Long distance relationships just take more work because of the distance.

    Just as in any relationship-long distance, or next door, or around the corner- you have to build some trust and get to really know the person. You have to find out what each other's goals, dreams and passions are and see if you are a 'fit'... People are cheaters or they're not, they take advantage of you or they don't- it has less to do with distance and more to do with who they truly are.

    I've moved 12 times during our marriage due to my husband's military career. I was not on a career path at the time, raised my kids, got my Masters degree. I'm supportive of my husband, he is likewise supportive of me. We love, trust and respect each other- without that, it doesn't matter if it's long distance or in the same room- it's not going to work.
     
  11. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I'm not sure I understand the reasoning there.

    I've never moved to be with anyone; I'm living 20 minutes from where I grew up and both my daughters were born in the same hospital I was.

    But if I were in a relationship that was committed enough for us to be moving in together, then I imagine we would move wherever made the most sense in terms of jobs or money or standard of living or some other concrete measure.

    Historically, the man has been the breadwinner, so I would imagine that historically the woman has moved to be with the man. These days, I would imagine it changes on a case by case basis.

    But the bottom line has to be that both partners know themselves and each other well enough that it doesn't matter where they are, as long as they're together.
     
  12. McKennaL

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    I ... I can't say dated...hmmmm... was sweet with a guy from Canada that I met on-line. We seriously clicked...and went to visit each other a number of times over the course of 3 years. Things went VERY well. Had we lived near each other... we would have been married a few times over by now. We knew each others good points and bad. he was an alcoholic..and he got into 12-step recovery. I am happy that I supported him through that...and he carries a key fob that I bought him for his one year anniversary that's engraved "no regrets" (It was his answer to my question...what, are you finding, is the best part about being sober?)

    But then... we started to think it over. He was established in a prestigous firm up there...that feat took him a life-time to reach(vice-president). He has 4 kids from his previous marriage, and one is a severely handicapped adult (you just dont walk away from that). I own a house here, and my kids were finishing high school and heading to local colleges. Though we joked about compromising on moving to Boston... that wouldn't work for us, either.

    He will always be very dear to me... but we, together, agreed to stop "seeing" each other. It couldn't have worked...and it was almost punishing to continue the heart-tease. I heard from him the other day. But kept it short. I believe that I can't emotionally fall back into that.

    (Who knows... I might be one of those human interest stories years from now... couple who "dated" on the internet for decades finally wed". HAHAHA)
     
  13. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    silverspoon65 & Aliceacc, first, I want to say, people do whatever they want of course & I'm not judging anyone :), but my reasoning w/ saying this is that it seems like the woman is always the one moving & leaving everything she loves (family, friends, job, life, etc.) to be w/ a guy & they're NOT even married. If the couple is married already, that's different because they've made that commitment, so it's not so easy to just jump up & dump each other. If a wife has a husband in the military & they have to move around, I guess they do what they have to do. She knew that before she agreed to marry him, so she shouldn't be complaining.

    I consider myself old fashioned, but not when it comes to the point of following some man around. Men may be the breadwinner usually, but it's still easier for them in the workforce than women. (I know things are better for women than they were 50 yrs or so ago). But, why do I have to leave & quit everything I've worked so hard for? Let HIM move & if he's not willing to, he better have a darn good reason & put a ring on my finger! And if the woman has kids, she sure shouldn't be moving around IMO, unless they've gotten married.

    If the woman has the type of career where she can be successful no matter where she lives, that's her business to move, but it always seems like the women are the ones sacrificing a whole lot more than the men & if they're not even married, there's no guarantee that it will last. But I know, a lot of marriages don't last either, but like I said, when a couple's already married (as opposed to living together), their mindset is different. They know that it's not so easy to just break up & someone moves out. They've tied the knot legally, so they're more in it for the long haul & probably more determined to make things work.

    silverspoon65, thanks for not being harsh to me in your reply. :)
     
  14. TeacherNY

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    My friend married someone from another country. They decided that he would move to the US. It was actually very difficult process but they did get married and now they both live here. I think it made sense financially since she already had a job in the US and there were practically no jobs in the area where he was from. I don't want to say he was from a "poor" country but there were just more opportunities here. I don't think she would have considered moving for him but that's just their situation. It really depends on the couple and what makes more sense for them.
     
  15. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    I have made that commitment.
     
  16. Catcherman22

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    I am dating somebody who currently lives in England. We met online and then met in person July 4th last year... she still lives in England and I am in San Diego. She's been here twice since then, finishing up her third stay, goes home thursday :-(. Its definitly a challenge.. I won't lie. But its a commitment. We still talk everyday, either on web cams or on im. the only aspect thats missing is the physical one.

    She has to move here.. there isn't really an option to move here.. especially since I am in the middle of earning my credential through an intern program. She's planning on moving here, but hasn't made the commitment yet. I suppose a part of me worries that it won't ever happen, but I've learned to develop a certain level of trust with her.. so if she says she will.. I believe her.

    I'd definitly say give it a try.. but you need to be prepared that its way different then your nornal relationship.
     
  17. webmistress

    webmistress Devotee

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    My hubby's hometown is 3 hours away from me. You would think it was 3,000 miles as we have clashed on this issue so much.

    He's made a lot of sacrafices by leaving his job, family, friends,...to live in my hometown, which he hates. I am praying to God he finds a good job here, he's been trying for years.

    I would be devastated to have to move from my family. We're extremely extremely close. We decided if we have to move, we'll move in a city that's between his hometown and my hometown. That city is 2 hours away and we know no one or nothing about it. But we had to come to an agreement.

    I am so very thankful to my husband for moving here. He is a blessing.:love: This "where to live" war is still not over between us though.:dizzy:
     
  18. McKennaL

    McKennaL Groupie

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    That is how we would look at it... "you have me completely- except for the flesh" But I will say... the visits have been the most incredibly treasured times that one could image.
     
  19. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    Which high school catcherman?
     
  20. lilmisses1014

    lilmisses1014 Comrade

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    Lord, is this ever true!! My husband isn't from another country, but we are currently long-distance. It's so difficult, but we work extremely hard to make it work.

    Also, when I finished grad school, I moved to be with him (we were engaged at the time); I never thought anything of it. Come to think of it, most of the women I know who are in serious relationships or are married moved to be with their SOs.
     
  21. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    It can be extremely heart breaking. Our son was very involved in a relationship with a gal from Spain. They met when she came to the U.S. to visit a friend and began temporary work at the same company he works for. They both traveled back and forth between the two countries for a couple of years. The plan was for her to move to the U.S. on completion of college in Spain. She was very close to her family as is our son close to us. They knew deep down inside that they had to break it off because neither one could leave their family and their country. It was so heart breaking for both of them.
     
  22. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    My point exactly. It's mostly the women who are doing the moving. :)

    This is a big factor why I wouldn't want to seriously get involved w/ someone so far away. But I think more men than women should be willing to move. I'm not saying men shouldn't be close to their families, but men especially shouldn't be concerned as much about staying close to mommy...unless I guess they're a momma's boy! ;)
     
  23. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Totally wrong on that one. Man or woman, makes no difference when it comes down to "who" should move. One of the families would be totally missing out on the rest of their son or daughter's life and grand children experience. It can work if one or the other is o.k. with that, but in this case, there would be some major heart break for everyone. Both of our families are very, very close and that doesn't mean in a smothering way. It's called intense love for parents, children, grandparents and extended family. There is always someone else to fall in love with, believe it or not.
     
  24. Ms. I

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    We all have our own opinion. BTW, I've never, ever said to anyone on any discussion board that they are TOTALLY WRONG about something.

    But of course I agree that someone's family is always going to miss out (whoever's the one moving) & that there are always other people to fall in love w/.
     
  25. mollydoll

    mollydoll Connoisseur

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    My mom mostly only sees her family at funerals. There has just never been the money for her to travel to Ireland very often over the years. It isn't a good situation. They met when my dad was stationed in England and she was working in London. He was in the military, so she had no choice but to move with him.

    My dad's family are all evil, vile people. We had to live in their tiny town for 2 yrs because my parents thought I needed more family. My mom and I were both diagnosed with a form of PTSD. No joke. My mom's family have always been great, but I don't know any of them very well. The result of all of this is that my family consists only of me, my parents and our little parrot flock.
     
  26. Ms. I

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    You mean she had no choice since she still wanted to be w/ him. She could have not gone through w/ it. :) That's too bad about your dad's side of the family.
     
  27. mollydoll

    mollydoll Connoisseur

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    Yes, of course. No choice if she wanted to be with him. That was implied! She actually was engaged when my dad met her. He said it was love at first sight for him and he pursued her hard. :lol: Now they have been married almost 40 years.
     
  28. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Wow, isn't it somethng how things go in life!
     
  29. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Things don't 'just work out'...It's not magic. Building strong relationships takes time, committment, trust and respect...see my earlier post.
     
  30. FarFromHome

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    I think you have to decide together the best place to live. Men's family and friends are just as important to them as women's are. However....I moved to Idaho since my husband is in the military, so I would really like to live near my family when he gets out of the military. (My husband's family actually lives 3 hours away from where my family lives.) It also helps that my family lives really close to the Chiefs stadium and my husband loves the Chiefs!
     
  31. Carmen13

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    So true!
    It's not easy being away from your family and friends, and it's certainly not for everyone. But I do feel committed to my family, even though I am here...I won't forget who I am, and if my husband and I are blessed with children, they will experience my family's love.

    Once we hit the lottery, we will build a cute home in Portugal, next to my parents.:love:
     
  32. CanukTeacher

    CanukTeacher Comrade

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    I was in a long distance relationship. I dated someone from England. We lived in Canada, New Zealand and the US and also did the "long distance" thing. It didn't work out because we wanted different things more than because of the distance.

    I would, however, completely disagree that one shouldn't move before you are married or, for that matter, that marriage is the only sign of commitement.

    I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I may never get married (probably will because it matters to my BF) because I don't really care about marriage as a concept. I'm not religious and as a cultural construct, given the divorce rate I'm not convinced it is a valuable institution. I think people make the decision to move, get married, etc based on what is best for them not some general rules.
     
  33. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    These are interesting to read, anyone else? :)
     
  34. teacher333

    teacher333 Devotee

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    If "foreign" is considered Canada...I have been involved with a Canadian going on one year now, and so far it has worked out pretty well. We both have our own lives, both divorced with kids, have no plans on remarrying or relocating (have agreed visiting is nice!). The best part - no fights about money, as we each have our own; no fights about kids, just sympathizing with each other when the other one vents; no arguments about dirty dishes in the sink, uncooked dinner, and power tools left laying around on the lawn! At this time in my life, this could not be a better situation for me or for him.
     
  35. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    teacher333, as long as you're both happy, that's all that matters.:)
     
  36. blessedhands

    blessedhands Comrade

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    I was in a long distance relationship before where the Caribbean waters had separated us. It lasted for 8 months, filled with high phone bills, missing each other and what not. But we had made a commitment to be with each other. We broke off because we just came to the conclusion that financial at no time soon we would be stationed in one place.

    Netherlands and US... we broke up because of differences in religion. We s till remained friends up to this day and now he even converted to my religion. :)

    I support people who are in the LDR as long as both parties have agreed on their commitment, sacrifice, love, and money involved.
     

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