In the company of women......

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by McKennaL, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. McKennaL

    McKennaL Groupie

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    Nov 14, 2009

    Just thinking. I work through things better when I write - so I'm writing. (sorry guys who are here)

    I have had some really stinky relationships with men...and have sort-of decided (or was it decided FOR me) to really stick to a life surrounded by women for a while.

    I am a totally different character when men are around. And the thoughts of flirting or whatever were too time-consuming. So for a while, i was VERY VERY happy to be in a workplace of 90% women and then to come home and click on here (with probably the same percentage).

    After a NUMBER of bad relationships with men over the course of my life, a counselor mentioned - "McKenna, you NEED girlfriends." And I thought...hmmm, that will be tough. You see, I tend to gravitate towards talking to and befriending men more easily - yet I ALSO saw that as a major part of a problem I was having. So... for the past year and a half, I have pretty well kept men at a distance -10 foot pole length (other than daily dealings with men in business aspects).

    **

    I want to mention that my previous best friend was a guy. We were SO natural together that it was almost one of those Bennifer (Ben and Jennifer) things. If you thought of one- you immediately thought of the other. We even tried quasi-dating (I DO think we COULD have been a great couple) but there were also problems that occurred that actually caused me to ignore him now for a year and a half.

    ***

    I don't know WHAT he said. He's been calling - begging - to get back together (as friends) for 15 months. And I was too hurt - so I refused to respond. This time (I DON"T know why) I responded. We communicated and decided to have dinner.

    Immediately we fell RIGHT back into place. Spending time with this man is like melted butter. Like bath water. We KNOW the other - we laugh ALL the time (well, not ALL the time- we have been through VERY sad and trying times together as well - having known each other for the hardest 6 years of our lives). We have been to the hospital with each other- been through divorces, celebrations, heart to heart chats - etc. (sorry-going on too long) We just are tight.


    At dinner I found out that (for just as long - a year and a half) he has known this other woman and they have been exclusive for about a year. But there are HUGE problems in paradise - and he SHOULD break up with her. They are poster0children for a partnership that SHOULD have ended already (when you are in counseling BEFORE even getting engaged - it COULD be a red flag :rolleyes:). But he has this feeling/revelation that he never sticks with a relationship long enough (which he doesn't), walks away to easily (which he does), and tends to always think there is someone /something out there that is better (especially with THIS person - it's a definite). So... maybe to prove that he CAN stick with someone through the tough times-he is sticking with this woman...even when EVERYONE INCLUDING the counselor..is telling him he should end it.

    The woman called while we were eating and catching up - TWICE to fight with him. And he would say..."we'll discuss this at the counselor's on Monday." Ummm.... remind me, WHY are you dating her?

    We discuss further and he says... "She asked me earlier this year, would I ever consider getting married again. Up to this point I ALWAYS said 'no!' But it hit me one day, that the answer is now, 'yes'. SHOULD the right woman come along, YES, I would consider marriage again. But it has to be the right woman. What i WANT in this world/in a relationship that would be forever... is to be partnered up with a woman to whom I am SO comfortable - it's like melted butter. Who being with is like breathing. Who makes me laugh. Who shares tears with me. Who I can't stop wanting to be with."

    I say, "like me, huh?" And he says...yeah - like you. (But that is NOT the beginning of the violins. As I say -there is something WITH John (and I), that just is NOT right for us to ride off into the sunset together. Friends FOREVER - though if I am a woman, i do NOT want my man to be best friends with another woman.

    ****

    Getting back to the original topic...

    Since that evening of meeting with John (Thursday), my whole thought pattern is BACK to thinking the way I did when men were involved in my life. Thinking of dating, thinking of relationships, thinking about.. well... fantasizing (not sexual...well, ok, SOME of them are).

    *sigh*

    I don't even KNOW what I'm thinking.

    I spent this year and a half - after ousting John from even FRIEND STATUS - living in the company women...and it was PEACEFUL and without the jealousies and one-up-manship that taunted me with men around.

    But it IS a lonely life. I would LIKE a man in my life to DO things with. to look forward to the weekend with-not knowing what we'll do...but knowing whatever it is - it'll be TOGETHER (John-even in a friend role- FIT that for years). I don't want to be alone forever. Love you ladies, but when I leave work, or click off the computer... it's lonely here.

    But I don't WANT these predominant thoughts of men in my life! I was LIKING it being me, the women at work, my daughter (my son at times-though he is off discovering himself- and not doing that good of a job at it), and YOU, gals.

    ****

    Since Thursday night, I check e-mails - has he written? Check the phone - has he called?

    ****

    (sorry gentlemen...but...)

    Can men kindly step off my carousel? I enjoyed the INNER-peace. Finally.

    (Sorry not sure this even made sense...just journaling "out loud".)
     
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  3. reverie

    reverie Companion

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    Nov 14, 2009

    Wow, I think you win the longest post award! That's a lot to think about with him coming back into the picture like that. I'm not sure if you're wanting advice or not, but I'll share my thoughts anyway. :) It seems like whatever happened for you to stay away for a year and a half must have been huge. I'd be hesitant to let him back into my life again. Maybe you're thinking that you want to date someone that you can be completely comfortable with, but I think you could find someone else that would be a better fit (i.e. is a little more rational and didn't do whatever he did to hurt you). If you want him as just a friend, I would personally be friendly but keep a distance.
     
  4. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    Nov 15, 2009

    Sounds to me like 'John' may be thinking that he wants more with you and he's feeling you out about it. Life may be complicated with men, but they are a part of humanity; they complement us. There is a reason the two genders are so different. My thought would be not to keep men out of your life, but just learn to set your limits with the people around you so things never get complicated. Make sure YOU decide when an issue is worth it, don't let anyone draw you into drama and be comfortable saying: "Sorry, but I'm not 'going there' with you,' referring to any situation you may feel complicates your life too much.
     
  5. McKennaL

    McKennaL Groupie

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    Nov 15, 2009

    I thank each of you. This has really been a complication - and more so even since I wrote this post the other day. 5 days from returning an e-mail...and I think mainly about him and the drama involved here.

    I remember reading something that spoke of love is a risk. And some people choose not to HAVE that risk in their lives. They play it safe....but then they never have the abundant joy that love IS. Sure it's hard at times...but it's so wonderful.

    In many areas of life- I'm a risk taker. Here? (in love)... I'm not so sure I'm not tired of the odds.
     
  6. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Nov 16, 2009

    McKennaL, gee, he sounds complicated,like a habitual part-timer relationship maker, and if he's in another relationship right now I'd step way back.

    What went wrong when you were with him the last time?

    He makes me nervous for you and that's just a gut instinct. I wouldn't make him exclusive just yet.

    I don't reallly now how lonely lonely can be, my DH completes me, sometime he gets on my last nerve to, but we have the same values, the same goals, the same kids and grandchildren.

    I'd hate for you to be alone the rest of your life. Just proceed wth caution.

    Hugs.

    Have you dated any other men? Is there an ample of pool of men to chose from in your area?

    There's quite a few single women around here and there aren't many men at all. One of the ladies I teach with is 28 y.o. and hasn't had a date in a long time. She's tried to move but just hasn't landed a job elsewhere to move.
     
  7. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    Nov 16, 2009

    I DO know how lonely it gets. Girl friends are wonderful, and I value mine deeply, but sometimes women create their own brand of drama that exhausts me just watching it unfold. I have never had tons of guy friends (and the ones I have had were not close) but guys in general seem to keep things...I don't know...simpler in some respects. They have their own brand of drama to be sure, but the dynamic is different. Sometimes it would be nice to have a guy around. I don't have any advice for you, but I can sympathize.
     

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