In State/Out of State "In-Laws"

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherGrl7, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. TeacherGrl7

    TeacherGrl7 Devotee

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    Jun 28, 2011

    Okay, wise married teachers, I need some advice. How do I navigate the rocky road of spending time with my family, that is local, and my boyfriend's family, that is far out of state? We have been trying, but it's straining our relationship. I am coming to terms with all my vacations being to the same place and he is coming to terms with getting a call on Tuesday and making plans for an unexpected Saturday afternoon with my family. I'm not used to dealing with out of state people in my own family, and he's not used to having any family local enough to visit often. How do we make this work?
     
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  3. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    Jun 28, 2011

    Well, I do have in-laws far out of state. Out of country, actually.

    I'm not sure my experience will really be helpful, though. I happen to really love my wife's home country so going there isn't wearing on me (it's probably more wearing on her, actually). And we see my more-or-less local relatives on a once-a-month or so basis, but they know they have to arrange it beforehand.

    The main issue is really the strain it puts between the two of you. Talk about it, acknowledge that it's hard for both of you and that both of you have family interests at stake, and discuss possible compromises both of you could make. You occasionally say no to your family visits, and him limiting the number of out-of-state vacations.
     
  4. MissCeliaB

    MissCeliaB Aficionado

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    You guys can visit family separately sometimes. Sometimes I'll go on vacation to visit my sisters or mom, and sometimes he'll go visit his family by himself if I have something else planned. He hates to travel, and most of my family lives far away. We just realized it makes both of us happier if he stays home sometimes.
     
  5. sjnkate

    sjnkate Rookie

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    Jun 28, 2011

    I would talk with your boyfriend about the family situation and decide together how much of your time together you are willing to devote to family.
    My husband and I are young, and when we got married our family was a big part of our life. In our premarital counseling we had to make some decisions about family. The focus of our counseling was on strengthening our marriage, which meant defending it from anything that threatened it- even family we love. We made decisions about how we'd handle certain situations. We let our family know that we love them, but that getting our marriage started out on a firm foundation was important to us.
    Some of those decisions were that we don't answer the phone when family calls during our time together. We don't make plans with family without asking the other first. I visit my mom and sister alone once a week on a night my husband works late, and he visits his mom on his day off while I'm at work. We see our local family together once every month or two. Both of our dads live out of state. His is pretty much out of the picture. Mine lives in SC and we spend a week on a lake in the NC mountains when we visit him. My husband enjoys this trip and my family so it's not a chore. If he didn't enjoy it then we probably would only stay two or three days, or go every other summer.
     
  6. MATgrad

    MATgrad Groupie

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    Jun 28, 2011

    His family is close and mine is far away. Here is how we have been handling it. Thanksgiving/Easter are with his family. Christmas break is with my family. We will also visit my family for a week during the summer. We used to see his parents every single weekend and it got to be too much. When I stopped cooking, they seemed to come over less....

    Sometimes his parents will whine about Christmas and then I'll quip back with well then we won't be visiting for Thanksgiving/Easter. When we have kids, we'll probably just stick around but we'll see.
     
  7. TennisPlayer

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    Jun 28, 2011

    If this is a problem and you're dating, do you see yourselves getting married?
     
  8. TennisPlayer

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    Jun 28, 2011

    My family is local but we mainly get together around birthdays or major holidays.
    My husband's family is a plane trip away so we see them at least once a year. We went out 3 times within 3 months because his mom was losing her battle with cancer so those extra 2 trips were unexpected within such a short amount of time.

    I don't think anyone should be forced to get together with whomever if they don't want to on a certain day but try to be available for most family get togethers because they're usually fun but can also be stressful it all depends on if you like their company.
     
  9. TeacherGrl7

    TeacherGrl7 Devotee

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    Yes, we have talked about marriage. The family thing is an issue right now, as we are still working out a system, but it's not a deal breaker as of yet. It's something we both are concerned about but trying to compromise on- as I said, there's still a lot we are getting used to!
     
  10. TennisPlayer

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    Jun 28, 2011

    is it a problem because you both expect to be with each family all the time or what is the problem??
     
  11. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jun 28, 2011

    There has to be a general acceptance that it's not going to be 50/50...it doesn't make sense that you would see relatives HOURS away as often as relatives just a few miles away...that said, effort should be made to visit those far away family members or invite them to visit you as often as it makes sense with the rest of your schedule...
    My parents are 3 blocks away. I talk to them every day and see them at least 2 or three times a week..(nearly every day in the summer). My in laws are 4 hours away...we only see them a few times a year...dh's and my work schedule, sons' sports, other obligations, house stuff, etc just seem to fill up our time. We've been talking about the need to go see them soon...
     
  12. AMK

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    Jun 28, 2011

    My inlaws are 2 hrs away and live at the beach, we see them pretty much every weekend in the summer. They do come and see us a lot during the winter and such. They are great people and do a lot for us, it helps the rest of their family is up by us.

    My family is 30 minutes away and will invite us over for dinner etc on a random night. Took my husband sometime getting used to my family inviting us over for dinner but I remind him I see his family every weekend in the summer. We are working out on how to balance everything once our baby arrives in a few weeks b.c his parents believe we will be visiting them right after the baby is born.
     
  13. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jun 28, 2011

    My husband goes to my mother's house for lunch about three or four times a week. He sees her more than I do. Time has made them son/mom. She would pick him over me in a heartbeat. When my dad died, my husband was lost. It was like he lost his best friend. Give it time...things will fall into place.
     
  14. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jun 28, 2011

    I don't have in-laws yet, but as a kid both grandmothers lived in PA. We spent our summer vacations up there every year. We always stayed with Dad's mom, as Mom's mom didn't have much room for four extra people.

    (I think it was a bit draining on my mom, though.)
     

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