I've just been through a profound reality check and am coming to terms with it all and realizing that special education on a public school level is not for me. I know it's been 1 week but honest to God it was awful. I knew it would be tough but as a first time teacher in a classroom I was not prepared for special education. Now I need to be CPI certified and I specifically did not apply to positions that mentioned CPI because that was not what I wanted anymore. I'm honestly ready to quit or pray for a reassignment. But my biggest fear is if I stick it out until May I'm STUCK literally in special education and that I'll have to leave teaching forever. It's not for everyone I know BUT I know and feel it is for me but special ed is not and I fear I'll get no response unless it's special ed. I have paras looking to me for direction. Quoting my P "I'm chief in my classroom" but I don't know what the F to do. I DON'T know the curriculum. I was hired days before school started and this week was just chaotic....beyond chaotic. I feel like I want to find a shrink to declare me having a nervous breakdown so I have a legitimate health reason to get out of my contract. I was crying for hard for an hour today in a daze I didn't realize I was scratching deep welts into my arms but the pain was like a calming balm to what I was feeling and when I realized it I just kept going and now I have pretty bright red marks up and down my forearms. Causing physical pain to myself is my only release from crying and NOT wanting to go back????? I'm hyperventilating and literally pulling my hair because the pain feels good and helps when I think about it and look at the work I brought home for the 3-day weekend. All 1st year teachers struggle but is this normal for special ed? First time in a classroom but still. As a person of deep faith I'm struggling like I never have before and I just want to get in my car and drive where no one can find me and make me go back on Tuesday.