So one of the ice breaker ideas our admin is kicking around: have everyone write down a joke and we'll read one before every meeting, lighten things up a bit. The problem is I don't know any good, clean jokes that are funny. Anyone have a good one-appropriate for the workplace?
A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender points to a sign "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of rope here." So the rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot, and goes back in. The bartender says "You aren't fooling me. We don't serve pieces of rope in this bar." So the rope goes outside, still tied in a knot, and frays his edges, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Aren't you the same piece of rope that was in here before?" The rope says, "No, I'm afraid not." lol. (A frayed knot, get it???)
I reworded this because I don't remember exactly how it goes BUT I hope it is still funny when you read/share it.:lol: A preacher told his congregation at the end of a sermon that for the topic on LIARS for the next sermon he wanted everyone to read the 25th chapter of LUKE. The following Sunday, the preacher asked the members, "Can I see by the raise of hands who read their assignment?" More than half of the hands went up. The preacher said, "LOOK! I need to speak to all of you with your hands up. There is no chapter 25 in the book of Luke!" I've got some of the X- rated ones, AND you'd get in BIG trouble IF you used them, SO good luck with the clean ones! Rebel1,
You: Knock, knock Them: Who's there? You: Interrupting cow Them: Inerrup----- You: Moooooooooooooo! (while they are trying to say, interrupting cow who?) It's my favorite joke.
I didn't think this joke sounded funny so I decided to try it out. My husband said, "Interrupting cow who" before I could blurt out "OOOOOOO, oh wait a minute, MOOOOO, oops, I said it wrong." Needless to say we cracked up! :lol:
lol. I like this one too. There is another version - interrupting starfish - where you put your hand on their face like a starfish when they say it.
Hahaha, I also wanted to try it out. I did this with my brother, but when he was saying interrupting cow who, he said it super fast and it threw me off. I messed up on the moo part too!!! :lol: Sooool, I had jokes all lined up for you, but when you said they had to be clean...... OOOOH, I know one. I got this one from my super cute biology teacher: How do you spell CANADA? C-eh-N-eh-D-eh :lol::lol::lol: (make sure you spell it with the Canadian accent) ETA: I love you Canadians!!! Not insulting you guys at all. :wub:
Okay, here is my favorite joke ever. What do you call a boomarang that never comes back? A stick! :woot: (It cracks me up every time! I know, I know,,,,it is a silly joke, but I still love it!)
Well, here's a pretty juvanile one that my 12 year old nephew told me..... Knock knock who's there I smell mop I smell mop who? when you say it, it sounds like I smell my poo.
Okay, I just told this one to my brother and after he said I smell mop who he stood there for a while and then you could tell that he realized what he just said. Anyways, it was just funny!
I only know dirty jokes. I would be in trouble. A female officer pulled over a drunk man and told him "Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk man yells.... "Titties!!" And that's one of the cleaner ones!
Two Native Americans, Falling Rocks and Running Deer are vying for the hand of the chief's daughter. Finally the chief says the brave who can bring back the most pelts will win. Both braves leave the camp. Six months later, Running Deer comes back with 300 beaver pelts. As Falling Rocks never comes back, Running Deer wins the hand of the chief's daughter. Falling Rocks is never seen again. To this day, throughout the west, you will see signs that read; "Watch Falling Rocks." http://www.ilovewavs.com/Effects/Music/Sound Effect - Rimshot.wav
Here are a few of my students favorite jokes. How do you make a kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it. What did NASA conclude when they found bones on the moon? The cow didn't make it. Why don't skeletons do well in school? They're all boneheads. What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? ARRRRbys. Hope these help.
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
Not sure if this would be considered "clean" or not... wouldn't be a problem at my school, but every staff is different. Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel, but Daisy told Donald that nothing would happen unless he had protection. Donald didn't have anything, but he decided to check the front desk to see if they might have something. So Donald goes to the desk clerk and asks if they have any condoms for sale. The clerk gets him a box and asks, "Do you want me to put them on your bill?" Donald looks at him in shock and says, "NO!!! I'd suffocate."
OK, these are pretty funny. I know Canadian Gal - none of the jokes I actually remember are appropriate for a work situation. I really had to think about a couple too, but I got them. Thanks so much guys-I feel better knowing I have some options. The only one I could think of before was the knock knock orange and banana one!
My two favorite jokes: A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy." (get it? fungi) Joke 2: What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE! :lol:
This is the version I heard. A man sent his son to get cheese from the govt food hand out deal. He comes home with the cheese. His Dad asked him, "What kind of cheese is this?" His son said, I don't know but while I was taking off with it, the guy told me, "Hey! THAT IS (NOT YOUR) Nacho CHEESE!":lol: Rebel1
What is the looooooooooooooooooongest bridge on earth?:lol: I am hesitant to share the answer because it might offend some of our readers and posters. It's a VERY FUNNY ANSWER. Throw it around your head and let the:thumb: BEST COMPUTER there is on earth; YOUR BRAIN; figure it out, reply to it, and I will tell you the answer when everyone WANTS TO READ IT SO BAD! I have to go church so I will check it afterwards. I've gt 2 make points with the MAN WITH THE PLAN! Rebel1
The jokes are all pretty funny--I read some to DH and we were both laughing. The only one I can remember is the one my DD told me last night... A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed 3 days, and left on Friday. How did he do it? Fridays the horse. I could have smacked myself for not getting it the first time.
Here are four that are "mostly harmless": 1) A priest, a minister, and a rabbi all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke??" * * * * 2) Moses, Jesus, and God are all playing golf. The hole they're on has a particularly tricky water trap in front of the green. Moses tees off, and his ball lands in the drink. Moses walks up the trap, parts the water, and chips his ball up onto the green. Jesus tees off next. His ball also lands in the water. Jesus walks on top of the water, reaches down, and puts his ball on the surface of the water as well. From there, Jesus, too, chips up onto the green. God tees off last. Shortly before his ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out of the water and grabs the ball in its mouth. Before the fish can fall back into the water, an eagle swoops out of the sky and grabs the fish. Before the eagle can fly very far, a sudden bolt of lightning flashes across the sky and startles the eagle. The eagle drops the fish, which lands on the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth and rolls in for a hole in one. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Dad, if you're going to act like that, Moses and I aren't going to let you play golf with us anymore." **** (My grandfather told me this one, which he learned while serving in World War II) 3) General Patton is leading his army across North Africa. The journey is long and arduous, with little food or water. One morning, Patton announces the good news to his troops. "Men! There is an oasis up ahead! When we get there, you will all receive food, drink, and a change of clothing." The army reaches the oasis, and they get their fill of food and drink. After the meal, Patton orders the troops to line up for their change of clothing. "Unfortunately, men, we have only enough supplies to provide each of you with a change of underwear....Barnes, you change with Perry. Smith, you change with Blaine. Reed, you change with Carter...." **** 4) A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do. Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire. The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $250,000. "What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor. "Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!" **** G-minus 7 days, 15 hours MathManTim
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and, there is that risk involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian? "
Czacza-that one made me snort! Now I will never hear the word 'Brazilian' without thinking 'how many?' And I can just hear me say, "I must have told you a Brazilian times!"
The marijuana thread made me think of this one I was sent through an email by a friend. I'm going to take a bit of license with it but essentially it's the same. Edit - And no, it's likely not appropriate for the workplace. So, there's this koala sitting up a tree smoking pot. He's really enjoying himself sitting there in his favorite tree, a buffet of eucalyptus all around, and a big fatty to keep him up all day. Well, along comes this small lizard who just happens to be climbing the same tree. He sees the koala and asks, "What are you doing?" The koala says, "I'm smoking pot. Want some?" The lizard sidles up to the koala and reaches out. The koala not being too stingy hands over the joint and the lizard takes a large drag. So, there they are, up in tree, high as kites, and enjoying their day. Suddenly, the lizard speaks, "Man, I'm thirsty. I going to the river to get a drink. Want to come?" That koala hardly acknowledges the lizard while he's speaking but nods when the little fellow skitters down the trunk and gives a wave while his scaly friend disappears into the grass. The lizard weaves and turns on the path, almost gets lost but he finds his way. Arriving at the river he leans way out using a flimsy limb that won't even hold his tiny weight. Just out in the middle of the river on a mud flat sits this humongous croc and he's noticed that poor wobbly misguided lizard while he's trying, pretty much in vain, to get a drink from the river. And wouldn't you know it. Just after a minute of watching, that lizard drops himself into the drink. The croc dashes over across that stretch of water like it was nothing and says, "What are you doing, you goofy little lizard? There's got to be two times half a dozen ways to get a drink of water without getting yourself all wet!" The lizard splutters as he drags himself on bank and says, "I was up a tree with a koala smoking pot. What you think I was doing?" The croc grumbles to himself that he has to check the situation out. So he follows back along the path which twists and turns. And even though he's just been sitting in the sun all day long, he still almost gets lost. But finally, he comes around a curve in the path, steps through some parted grass, and spies the koala up in the tree. Now, that koala was a Bogart from the start and there he was lighting up another joint while the lizard was gone. It was just about that time when he noticed that croc come strolling out of the grass. The koala drops his goods and yells, "Heck, dude! How much of that water did you drink!?"
1. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. It's much funnier when you say it out loud. It's my husband's favorite. 2. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! 3. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi. :lol:
I got this in an email with a picture of a little girl praying... "Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen." :lol:
I get jokes for my website from this site & some other sources. http://www.jokesbykids.com/music/ Q: What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones? A: Anything you like because he can't hear you! Q: What's black and white & very noisy? A: A skunk with a drum set! Q: What do skunks have that no other animals have? A: Baby skunks! Q: Have you heard the joke about the watermelon? A: It's pit-iful! Q: What lies down a hundred feet up in the air? A: A centipede! Q: How do you clean a tuba? A: With a tub-a toothpaste! Q: Why is an elephants large, gray, and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, white, and round it would be an aspirin! Q: Where do cows go on a Saturday night? A: The moo-vies! Q: Why was the music teacher locked out of her classroom? A: Because her keys were in the piano!!!
ok this works better in person but I'll go ahead and try (so say everything out loud) say silk 5 times.. now spell silk.. what do cows drink??? did you answer milk? the answer is water!! (ok well I know it's lame but hey, it's all I got at the moment
