I just kind of want to feel sorry for myself, honestly.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Kenz501, Feb 24, 2018.

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  1. Kenz501

    Kenz501 Cohort

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    I decided to post this in "chit chat" or off-topic, because I've gotten negative feedback from posting in other areas where more specific teaching questions should be asked, but anyway, and you might have already heard the spiel, but here it is, in case you didn't.

    I spent a good portion of my life in what I thought was an apathetic and cold institution, called public school, that was a little like jail for kids who didn't really do anything wrong. It was a place where adults could yell at you and impose unfair penalties whenever they felt like it. It was a place where you learned how to stifle your own creativity in exchange for following rules and trying to figure out the answers others wanted, even if they were wrong or just didn't see things the way you did.

    I learned to almost hate people in this environment; I always had trouble communicating anyway, so public school was sort of torture. I developed a strong distrust for other people, and I eventually stopped trying to socialize and get along with others and retreated further into myself.

    Well, I survived high school and a natural disaster that claimed my folks' house, and I enrolled in college. College was liberating. I felt like I could be the creative thinker I always wanted to be. For some reason, though, I made the mistake of my life and decided to become an English teacher. I naively thought I could walk into a classroom and my students would adore me just because of my idealistic dreams. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up until I entered my first classroom as a sub and had books thrown at my head!

    I quickly learned that classroom management, not anything else, was the most important part of being a teacher, and my desire to be creative plummeted as I struggled to gain control. It's like the students took delight in derailing my already shaky lessons and destroying my fragile confidence. I continued like this until I finally got hired at a good public school where the students' ideals kind of meshed with my own. I thought it would be a wonderful fit.

    I learned quickly, however, that teaching is also a learning curve, one that you have to meet mostly on your own; I floundered at this assignment as well, even though I had students who were interested in computer programming and foreign languages. I found myself resorting to yelling to quiet a bunch of noisy students, and my classes were / are as boring and lifeless as they come. I found myself imposing arbitrary rules that were difficult for many students to meet just so that I could keep some semblance of order.

    Sure, I hated bad teachers until I became one myself. Now, I understand there's a lot more to the story.
     
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  3. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Not sure what you're looking for. Teaching isn't easy. If you aren't effectively reaching kids, you aren't teaching.
     
  4. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    You want to feel sorry for yourself, and I believe you do. Don't be surprised if teachers who have similar back stories are scratching their heads and asking the question "so what?" Teaching is not for the faint of heart, those who are easily discouraged, or those who continue to struggle with the basics, including classroom management, IMO. I'm not saying that all teacher candidates arrive at their first job with all of these skills in place, but, rather, that when faced with the challenges that teaching presents, they find ways to learn how to deal with deficits, and they strive to build their skill set, so that there is skill growth. Previous threads indicate that you are still greatly challenged after four years, and your skill sets are static, not growing appropriately. Without getting into what hasn't been addressed in this thread, you will continue to struggle until you can find a way acquire the missing or deficient skills. Since it isn't fair to put your colleagues in charge of "training" you, you must find better sources of further education so that you are not doomed to repeat the same mistakes repeatedly.

    Best of luck.
     
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  5. TrademarkTer

    TrademarkTer Groupie

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    If you could start all over, what would to pick instead of teaching to pursue?
     
  6. futuremathsprof

    futuremathsprof Phenom

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    Try being upbeat and lively and interject humor into your lessons — a positive demeanor goes a long way. Use proximity for the more talkative students. I use this to great effect.

    Give students a warning once and only once per day for their first offense. Then follow up with a detention, seating rearrangement, or having the student step outside for a few minutes if their misbehavior continues. (Minor offenses don’t necessarily warrant a detention.)

    Redirect students in a positive way. For example, “I know you’re really excited about the material, but please don’t shout out.” Don’t reprove students in front of their peers — they will resent you for it.

    Use a small handful of reasonable rules. Students can’t remember more than a few rules anyway. Mine are: 1) come to class prepared and ready to learn, 2) be courteous to your peers and the instructor, 3) don’t use foul language (swear words) or inappropriate language (sexual innuendo, racial jokes, sexist jokes, etc.), 4) no projectiles of any kind (thrown, kicked, or otherwise), 5) clean up your desk and surroundings when you leave, and 6) no eating, drinking beverages besides water, personal grooming (e.g. hair brushing, etc.), or cellphone use in class.

    Establish rules and expectations on the first day of class. Be consistent with enforcement of the rules. Use a seating chart from day one. Just like we don’t negotiate with terrorists, we don’t negotiate with students.
     
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  7. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere.

    You either continue in this cycle or find a way out of it, and nobody can do it for you.
     
  8. Kenz501

    Kenz501 Cohort

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    "Just like we don't negotiate with terrorists, we don't negotiate with students." I'll have to remember that one! It's so different from what I felt like they taught me in teacher education and the philosophies I feel like my boss and coworkers espouse, but getting the students' opinion hasn't really done anything positive for my job performance. I know what they want to see, but I've spent a little time just trying to figure out my job.
     
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  9. Kenz501

    Kenz501 Cohort

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    At this point, I wonder if there's a graceful way to tell my boss I have Asperger's, quit, and just be done with it. I've made so many mistakes, but I really do want to do a good job. I hate having to constantly deal with this disconnect. It is so frustrating to want to do a good job and please everyone, including the kids, and still come up humiliatingly short.

    Being in this situation makes me feel like I'm not really in control of my life at all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2018
  10. futuremathsprof

    futuremathsprof Phenom

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    You’re going through what all new teachers go through and that’s self-doubt. This will lessen with time as you get a feel for what works and what does not work. Aspergers or no, new teachers are very hard on themselves because they experience failure at times and we tend to remember the bad things instead of all the good things we’re doing.

    We are our own worse critics. Give it time. Once you have lesson plans written in your first year, you will save a lot of time sprucing them up as needed every year thereafter. My first year was very time consuming because I had to write an AP curriculum from scratch and I taught many different classes with multiple preps. However, in spite of the obstacles I faced, I persevered and digitized everything. In this way, I kept copies of all documents so they could be reused in subsequent years. You should do the same as you don’t want to reinvent the wheel. This will make subsequent years soooooo much easier.

    For example, I have folders on my Google Drive and flash drive that are separated by class. Within each folder, there are sub-folders titled Yearly Overviews (lists the time span for each unit and topics are listed by each state standard), Lesson Plans (I just change the dates each week and adjust as needed), Lecture Notes (for each section in the textbook), Homework Solutions, Chapter Tests (there are different versions for each test), Mid-Chapter Quizzes, Warm-up Exercises, Reinforcement/Intervention Activities, Projects, Check Your Understanding Questions, SAT/ACT Prep, etc. In fact, I barely have to lesson plan every year (I’m a 4th year teacher) because I meticulously digitized everything in my first year. Some of my older, more seasoned colleagues are jealous because they never took the time to do what I did and so their jobs are made more difficult because they have to develop their curriculum constantly. Remember, work smarter, not harder.

    Good luck to you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2018
  11. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    I doubt that disclosing that you are on the spectrum will be a surprise, in case that helps.
     
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  12. TrademarkTer

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    I would normally say this is solid advice, but I am not sure about it in this instance. I think with the OP it is beyond the normal first-year teacher mistrials and doubts. I don't think everyone should be encouraged to continue in a profession that is not well suited to their individual strengths and talents, and that the exploration of other options will only be harder the longer one flounders around hoping for things to magically improve.
     
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  13. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    Plus for each year someone who can't do their job, numerous students lose a year of education.
     
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  14. MissCeliaB

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    I used to really worry about this. My first year teaching was not good. I was not prepared for the environment I was teaching in, having student taught in a school with a very different culture. I was pretty bad. But years later, kids I had that year were top of their class in high school, and didn't seem to suffer any for it. Kids will be OK.
     
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  15. Leaborb192

    Leaborb192 Enthusiast

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    Eh -- It seems like most (all?) teachers spend a good chunk of the year reviewing and re-teaching everything that they should have learned already anyway so... I don't think the dangers are that real. I've subbed an ample amount in 5th and 6th grade and it's pitiful how very few of them can fluently multiply and divide. And of course a lot of math is dependent on having that strong foundation so they struggle with everything else as a result.
    :cry:
     
  16. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    Interesting argument...

    So while you are cleaning up a prior mess, how are they learning what they are supposed to be learning?

    Or are you saying ineffective teachers aren't a problem because effective teachers will clean up their mess and then some?
     
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  17. TrademarkTer

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    Some of them make it all the way to pre-calc not knowing how to multiply fractions (you mean you just multiply across? you don't cross multiply? :dizzy:)
     
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  18. Leaborb192

    Leaborb192 Enthusiast

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    I'm not really making an argument, more of an observation. I'm merely pointing out the fact that EVERY first year teacher feels ineffective and useless ("Are these kids really learning?'') and may feel as if the students will be "damaged forever.'' I'm merely saying that it's not true. In an ideal world we'd either have a longer school year or keep the kids until they've mastered everything they need to before sending them off, but we know it's not true. That's why a lot of the standards are similar across grade levels so that you can brush up as needed. Ideally the standards are meant to build on each other and the student's prior knowledge, but when they don't have it, somebody has to do it. It's not a great (or efficient system) in my opinion, but it's what we have.
    A lot of teachers lose precious instructional minutes due to things beyond their control and behavior management issues. I've been in so many classrooms where the teacher can't teach because they have a handful of really disruptive and troublesome students... UGH!
    I think we need to re- think how the system is run entirely to truly give kids what they need. Just because you're an 8 year old doesn't mean you should be confined and held in 3rd grade with your peers. If you are reading above grade level, we should put you in those classes or if you struggle with math, put you there.
     
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  19. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    My EX has Aspergers. He spent a lot of time complaining about the things that he couldn't do like it was my job to fix it. Or someone else's job. Or anyone else's job besides his. He was perpetually disgruntled, and once he had something in his mind it was a constant obsession.

    I'm guessing a lot of your issues stem from that, not actually work.
     
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  20. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    EVERY first year teacher does not feel this way, Lea. Sure, even vet teachers have lessons, heck DAYS, where they aren't on the top of their game, but bottom line, a teacher who struggles ALL YEAR with lesson planning, class management, pacing, engagement, poor observations- yeah, that's someone who might need to re-examine what, why, where, how they are doing...and student learning MUST ALWAYS be what's MOST important. It's NOT OK to have a classroom of students have a year of their learning wasted. Our time with our students is important and precious and it's incredibly disrespectful of our profession to brush off these situations as being the norm. That's simply not the case.
     
  21. jadorelafrance

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    In response to Leaborb, I had a similar observation. My HS students had a very unfortunate year two years ago with a teacher that is no longer at our school and almost zero teaching was done in that particular class. Some students learned on their own, but the majority just went with the flow. The following year was a pre-AP course that covers a ton of new info (that they were all recommended for since they apparently all got As) and it was a very rough year for me (stuff I assumed they knew they kept reminding me they never learned), but they learned and relearned and we got through it. This year many continued to AP and they’re doing amazingly. A few still struggle from not having that solid base, but they’re leaps and bounds better than before. They were able to overcome a bad teaching year. Although they are self-motivated and have that advantage in a sense, not every kid had the tools or maturity to learn on their own.
     
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  22. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    High school kids are going to have a different experience overcoming a wasted year than elementary kids, IMO. Regardless, its a loss of time and resources to have atudents in these situations. As a parent, Id complain. As a colleague, Id offer mentoring and coaching withthe hopes of benefitting the students. (And ive done just that)
     
  23. jadorelafrance

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    Agreed. And yes there was lots of mentoring (falling on deaf ears) and parent complaints. It should be avoided at all costs, but I do believe students can overcome. They have to as there are always going to be brand new and ineffective teachers unfortunately.
     
  24. Kenz501

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    I'm sorry, but I'm aware that I fall into the category of "ineffective teacher." I've expressed my willingness to grow and improve, but, um, this isn't going to magically happen, at least not in my case. I realize that teachers who are willing to bend over backwards to help the most unmotivated students sometimes won't lift a finger to help their colleagues. I know I'm an odd case. I think my problems fall into these categories.

    Perfectionism--
    I need to not make mistakes, or I need to convince my bosses and coworkers that I'm more capable than I actually am. I feel like the expectation is for me to perform as well as teachers who have been teaching for years. I also feel like I need to avoid the dreaded "they didn't teach you that in college?" comments that I got during student teaching. As much as I hate it and feel like it's counterproductive, I have to fly "under the radar" and "survive" while I try to figure things out on my own. I think it's silly for them not to train me and then complain that I'm not performing well, but apparently training the new hire was "someone else's job" and should have happened way before I applied for this job. That's probably the biggest piece of information teacher education left out. They want you to already know everything when they hire you.

    Imposter Syndrome
    Often I feel like, in my case, a well-informed substitute teacher could probably do my job better. No one, including the students would expect her to have it all together, so they would give her more help and be more receptive to her questions. In my case, though, nope. I'm supposed to be the expert. Six years of college and a month or two of teaching lesson plans that were carefully scripted with the help of my cooperating teacher and professor and now it's sink-or-swim. Don't know how to use the website? Tough luck! Can't figure out how the textbook is structured? Oh well! Why it's set up like this, I have no idea. If I had at least one person on my hall teaching my subject who I felt like I could talk to who wouldn't judge me for not knowing everything, I think this job would be much easier.

    There may be people who are trying to help me, but I'll repeat, I don't feel like I can safely ask anyone how to do my job without bringing my professional competency into question, and if I don't feel like it's safe to talk honestly and openly about my deficits, what can I do?
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2018
  25. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    How about starting with takng responsibility for your own struggles and development. You should know a lot of what they are expecting from you. Since you dont seem ro know those things, its up to you to find out. Professional reading, workshops, online training and other resources... professionals here have offered many good suggestions and you are still blaming everyone else for your problems.
     
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  26. TrademarkTer

    TrademarkTer Groupie

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    How did you get this job in the first place? You must have told a pretty convincing tale to be given this job over the other applicants, or there just must not be a lot of competition in your state?
     
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  27. Kenz501

    Kenz501 Cohort

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    Someone who worked there knew someone who knew me, and I apparently got pretty good reviews from my past job references.
     
  28. Kenz501

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    Anyway...I "came clean" with the principal, and an intervention of some kind is being planned to help get my students where they need to be. It could have been worse, so I guess I should be happy. I agree that maybe I'm just not cut out to be a teacher, at least not an English teacher.

    Unfortunately for me, I still have to figure out how to "survive" until the intervention is put in place.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2018
  29. SpecialPreskoo

    SpecialPreskoo Moderator

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    Stop. Just stop. No pity here.

    [​IMG]

    Now, go forth and be a great teacher.

    Have a nice evening.
     
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  30. Kenz501

    Kenz501 Cohort

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    I agree.
     
  31. TeacherCuriousExplore

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    Teaching is hard work and do not feel bad if the students deserved to be reprimanded for being loud in class. It is all about reaching each child
     
  32. anna9868

    anna9868 Habitué

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    I'm sorry, but I have to say: This is such a rude comment!
    (yea, I used to be polite on this forum back when I worked in schools. Now, that I figured out that full time job in schools is not for me, I can let myself say things like I feel them)

    I would be surprised if the author of that comment knows what it's like to be on the spectrum. Or, to have deal with mental problems.

    Back when I had Bipolar disorder, I would go through months and months of mania and then months and months of depression. Believe me, no one knew. Not even my close friends. Some people with neurological and developmental disorders are great at hiding their symptoms. I learned to hide mine during the 15 years that I had Bipolar.
     
  33. TeacherCuriousExplore

    TeacherCuriousExplore Cohort

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    There are a lot of rude snobby people on here that only act the that they due because they are behind fake images and names.
     
  34. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    I quoted her post where she claims to have Aspergers (on the spectrum), and she has listed thread after thread, often simultaneously, on behaviors that keep her from being seen as normal, but in need of constant hand holding, and the calls for "train me". She wondered how to share this with her superior. My comment was that the superior had seen what we had heard about over and over again. I simply didn't think that the superior was going to be surprised by OP's claim of having Asperger's, or being on the spectrum. By that point it was the worst kept secret in the world. And don't bait me about not knowing about mental illness or personalities that are functional, but are still on the spectrum. This is about the multitude of posts by Kenz501.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
  35. anna9868

    anna9868 Habitué

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    what makes you think that? I'm just curious how did you figure that out.
    (believe me, I know nothing about the poster other than reading a couple of her posts)
     
  36. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    She created multitudes of threads, and in the post directly above mine, she talks about telling the superior she has Asperger's. Technically, there is no Asperger's anymore - you are considered on the autism spectrum. I truly doubted that any of OP's actions had gone unnoticed. Simply calling Asperger's by the correct designation of "on the spectrum" was almost certainly not going to be a surprise to the superior. Calling it by "on the spectrum" is a more correct explanation for anyone with certain autistic traits. I hope that helps you understand the sequence of events. Feel free to go to OP's profile and read through the multitude of threads and posts to which I, and others, refer.
     
  37. TrademarkTer

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    I think digging up posts from months ago when the OP clearly seems ready to move on with her life is rude and unnecessary. It's like digging up old skeletons.
     
  38. Kenz501

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    Yeah....that's why I don't like posting on teacher forums. It seems like you all have a unique way of punishing people for being honest, if I may be frank. Of course, I'm one of the many people who probably share more on the internet than with a counselor, so of course the picture I paint of myself may not always be pretty. I figure it's best to share here, though, where I'm mostly safe, than in the real world where I would probably be subjected to the same level of ridicule, only harsher, because they would be able to put a name and a face on it.

    I don't know how well I've kept it hidden, but I think I've gotten a pretty clear message; if you have a disability not widely accepted by society, don't expect anyone to really work with you on it without seeking help through the proper channels yourself, because most people will just consider you "bad product." All of that talk about "being good people" and "wanting to help" may be just talk. Maybe the reality is most people just want to be seen as good people, nothing more.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
  39. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    You’ve been given a lot of support here. And once again, you see your struggles as everyone else’s fault...there’s only so much help one can offer to those who won’t help themselves.
     
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  40. Kenz501

    Kenz501 Cohort

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    Let's stop the argument. Like I said, I've tried to follow the advice that I felt applied to me. Relocating did help with me finding a voc rehab service that would listen to my complaint, and hopefully I will start working with them in a few weeks. I guess I *get* that some of you think you were helping me, but I guess I have a habit of listening to, and looking for, the negative messages.

    Yes, sometimes I'm genuinely angry about my situation, but I guess it makes no sense to vent here because few people will empathize with me.
     
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