husband won't clean on his own

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out Archives' started by tinafirstgrade, Mar 15, 2007.

  1. tinafirstgrade

    tinafirstgrade Rookie

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    Mar 15, 2007

    This has nothing to do with teaching but rather cleaning. How do you get your husband to help clean around the house? I've been married for close to 3 years and it is still not resolved. Honestly, the only 2 things that he does semi regularly on his own is taking out the trash and changing the cat litter. EVERYTHING else, I have to ask him to do! We have a dog and everynight I have to ask him to take him out. If I don't he will not do it. How do I know? Well fell asleep early one night and woke up as he was going to bed. I asked him if he had taken the dogs out and he said NO!!! AH! I have tried writing a list of areas that he could be responsible for such as the office area, cleaning up loose ends in the living room, and taking out the dog. Well it didn't work.

    If I ask him to do something, he usually will do it, sometimes I get some resistance. He comes from a family where he was the only child and his parents did EVERYTHING for him. He did not have ANY chores growing up! I know, it's hard to fathom, esp. since I come from a large family where everyone had to pull their weight!

    I don't mind doing alot of cleaning because I like to. However, when I think about the fact that my husband won't do much without me asking, it makes me angry! The goal for me here is to NOT have to ASK him to do stuff that I feel he should do on a daily or two day basis. We both work and have no kids yet our house is always messy.

    Can you help me?
     
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  3. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    I could have written this myself a couple years ago.........including the cat litter boxes and trash, because that is all he use to do. We have been married for almost 7 years now. It has helped me to make a cleaning schedule so he can see when I usually do things around the house. We also made the agreement of whoever makes dinner (usually me), the other does the dishes afterwards. Also, if he lays something around the house and I see it doesn't go there, I tell him to get off his duff and put it where it belongs. It has taken me years now to "train" him (sorry men), but it took awhile to get him to see how much energy I put into making our house clean and livable. I pretty much explained to him that it's disrespectful to me and puts more work on me when he doesn't help or clean up after himself.

    I also realize there are some things that he just isn't good at, like dusting...totally sucks at it. So, the things I have him do are things I know he can accomplish. I do still have to ask him to do a lot, I think it just comes with the territory, but I have learned to just let it go and be happy he's willing to help when I at least ask. It has also helped to give him "duties" rather than rooms to clean. Men (sorry again men) sometimes have no clue as to what needs to be cleaned. My husband grew up in a house full of men...3 of them, and his mother who isn't exactly Martha Stewart. I sneeze so much at their house because it's so dusty. So, I have to explain to him what exactly needs to be done in every room. So, he does vaccuming, litter boxes, dishes, and changes the sheets on the beds. I dust, clean the bathroom, sweep, and vaccum as well. So we have duties, not room assignments. I think it makes it a bit easier.

    Hope that helps a bit. If not, I'm sorry. I know where you are coming from though, but sometimes it is a losing battle and have to cave sometimes. As long as he IS helping, even if I have to ask, I am pretty happy. There are husband's who don't even do that (which he reminds me of all the time:rolleyes: ).
     
  4. ABall

    ABall Fanatic

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    My Husband says if I could go some where for a week He could have the house totally clean.--- and he could. But the kids wouldn't get fed, nor would they be alloud to change clothes or move. I have to incorporate cleaning with schooling, and cooking.
     
  5. sub&mom

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    LOL- I totally could have wrote this opening thread! My hubby and I have gone round and round about this. This is my 2nd marriage and I had 2 kids with my 1st. My hubby and I have been married now for 6 years. He's a great man in many ways, and he has done a wonderful job of being a stepdad to my girls. But the cleaning and picking up after himself thing is a constant thorn in my side.

    I have come to this realization with him. If he is not helping me clean...he is to get the hell out of the house~! He will take the kids out somewhere and leave me alone for a few hours. Also we have implemented "mom's day off" On Sundays, I don't cook or clean. He takes care of all meals and makes sure the girls have picked up their rooms etc. so we can start the week fresh. He really seems to like having the responsibilities be on him(usually). I sometimes have to remind him that it's my day off...but he's getting good at it by now. Now the meals are, alot of the time, takeout...but he gets it, and that works for me.

    Best of luck to you with your man! It's amazing how they can sit there completely content with watching us work our butts off!!! I hope things get better for you!

    Take care,.
     
  6. Mamacita

    Mamacita Aficionado

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    Mar 15, 2007

    My husband is an only child, and when we were first married, he would sit in his chair and tell me to BRING HIM THINGS! He dropped his laundry on the floor where he took it off. He left the table and his dishes were still there. His socks were always inside-out. He expected to be waited on, hand and foot. His mother catered to him in every possible way. He had never had to share anything, his entire life. He spent "his own money" on "his own things."

    I was in shock the first year of our marriage. After that, I began to clean up after myself and I never touched his things. I still don't touch his things. He puts them away himself or it doesn't get done. I am nobody's servant.

    I will do these things for a child but not for a grown man. There were some difficult times for a while but now he acts his age. I am not interested in keeping an adult around who doesn't pull his own weight, clean up after himself, and do his fair share around the house and yard.

    In fact, why would ANYBODY cater to an adult like that? I don't understand it.

    He still tends to talk about "his own money." That's why I had exactly half of the bills put in "his own name." Let him ruin his own credit; he's not touching mine.

    Good thing I love him. Otherwise, I'd have poisoned him thirty years ago.

    Seriously, why would a woman put up with a childish selfish man? And vice versa, for that matter. Few things are more disgusting than an adult who still acts like a child, and someone who allows it.
     
  7. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    I might have missed something in your post. Do you both have full time jobs? If not, then the one not working should be doing all of the major housework...BUT that should not include picking up after an adult.
    So, I am assuming you both have jobs. Share the chores.
    Dirty clothes laying around? Throw them in the basement.
    Clothes inside out? Wash them just as you find them. Put the clean clothes basket on his favorite spot where he watches t.v. and hide the remote until he does his job.
    Won't cook? THen feed yourself until he decides to help cook.
    Dirty dishes? Put them in his car.
    You really have to outsmart him, which shouldn't be all that hard. He is just using you and your energy and you really need to look out for yourself.
    I take care of dirty dishes and kitchen counters. My husband empties the dishwasher daily and takes the garbage out. He picks up his clothes. He takes care of all car related things and the yard work. He also washes all the windows when it's time. We share cooking and sometimes make meals together.
    As for the dogs, you will have to take over that job of letting the dogs out, for the sake of the dogs. IT's not fair to them, but be SURE to trade it for another job. YOu take the dogs out, he feeds and waters them, Write this stuff down until he gets the hang of it. He's acting like a 4 year old, so you will have to treat him like one until he grows up.
     
  8. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Mar 15, 2007

    Well, I would suggest a weekly "business meeting" as a time to discuss such things. The idea of posting a cleaning schedule is great - if he has a few minutes at least he knows what needs to be done. You guys are going to have to resolve this so it doesn't end up being damaging to your marriage. I speak as one who has done a lot of marriage counseling. If you can't resolve it with him, resolve it to yourself. I would advise to stay away from the reminding (nagging) because why should he remember if he has someone to remind him? Don't remind. At a meeting, discuss what you need from him, have him write it down, post it, then forget it. Except for the dog care, let everything else go except for the chores you agreed to. You might have to change your standards for a while. Good luck! It is amazing the issues that start off small but over the years the resentment builds sometimes to a volcano! Be at peace in your own mind. Either don't do the jobs he is to do, or do them with a good attitude.
     
  9. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    This thread sounds like me and my husband. I swear, I'm going to buy a behavior chart and stickers and make up a chore chart:rolleyes:

    My husband is a wonderful person in every way..... except for cleaning up after himself. I find his socks rolled up all over the place like an easter egg hunt:p

    Grammy, I love the idea about putting the dishes in his car....LOL
     
  10. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Enthusiast

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    Dishes in his car, that is soo great. The only thing with that is my hubby keeps his truck absolutely filthy. He always has and for the most part I dont ride in his truck. If I have to for whatever reason I take a towel and wipes. Anyway he wouldn't know any different if I added his dishes. My hubby is pretty good about helping out around the house if I ask him. When he is home (he is in Iraq) he does do the dishes. I DONT let him do the laundry. As for cleaning up around the house---we have kids. We pretty much stay in our room so if the house is messing it's because the kids have messed it up. So they get to clean it up. In fact when he is home our room is cleaner that when he isn't home. He makes the bed everyday, something I dont do. So I guess I have it pretty good. Of course this comes with almost 20 years of training, this isnt how it has always been. Guess you can teach an old dog new tricks. Oh the one thing I havent been able to train him on is the mustache hairs in the sink. I can't stand to go to the sink and find his trimmings in the sink. Thank god for a two sink bathroom.
     
  11. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    How about looking into the cost of a weekly maid.

    Let your husband know that you can no longer do two full time jobs. You have 2 options: he can help out more, or some of your hard earned money goes to a weekly maid.

    Then do it.
     
  12. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Mar 15, 2007

    Or you could put him on a contract!
     
  13. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    THIS IS MY BIG PET PEEVE TOO. I THINK THIS IS JUST GROSS:eek:
     
  14. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    For the sock problem, I would stuff them into his pillow case. Seriously!
     
  15. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Grammy, you should write a book, sort of like the companion to The Proper Care of Husbands ( or something like that) Haha
     
  16. Tasha

    Tasha Phenom

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    Mar 15, 2007

    hairy sink

    I thought I had written this in my sleep (sleep-posting I suppose). :) My husband just recently started helping out around the house a little more (married 5 years) Wish I could say it was something I did, but I am not sure why, and I am not questioning him about it! However, he still leaves clothes and dishes everywhere, he just picks them up once a week. It's better than nothing though.

    The hair in the sink is totally gross and i wish it was only in the sink instead of all over the sink and counter :eek: I solved this by buying a fogless shower mirror that has a razor holder. Now he shaves in the shower and it all washes away!:) It is one of the best investments I ever made, especially for only 40 dollars.
     
  17. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Let him do his own laundry. Don't critique anything he does attempt to do. Thank him for his help when he does help (kill him with kindness). Make it like a romantic gesture and get REALLY happy when he helps out with extra stuff. Don't pick up his stuff. If you leave the dishes, he will eventually run out of them. You can always invest in paper plates and other time saving stuff like Tasha mentioned. If he has trouble organizing something, make an area that is super easy for him to use. For example, if he doesn't put his shoes in the cubbie holder like you would prefer, buy a basket he can drop it in.
     
  18. Tbelle1035

    Tbelle1035 Cohort

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    And I love the idea of using a behavior chart and stickers! :rolleyes:
     
  19. Go 4th

    Go 4th Habitué

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    And why, when they get tired, they get up and go straight to bed, while when I get tired, I get up, check the kids, make sure they are covered and asleep, make sure the dog is ok, make sure things for tomorrow are ready, make sure the doors are locked and the garage is closed, check the laundry,s ee if anything needs to go to the dryer, pull out something to defrost for tomorrow's supper, make sure all lights and tv's are off, straighten blankets on bed (of which hubby is already in) and THEN climb into bed????????? Why???? Why can't I just get up and say goodnight and that be it???

    I tried positive re-inforcement on cleaning with hubby. Sex for him doing the laundry turned into a complete disaster. He would put up like 3 things, and think he should get his "reward". I would rather just do the laundry myself. :)
     
  20. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    This is my take...

    I've been married 17 years and no offence, but those issues should have been addressed before you got married. He's an adult, you won't change him, so life will be a lot more pleasant if you just accept him as he is. Beside, life's too short. In our house, if it bugs you, YOU do it. You won't always share the same values when it comes to cleaning, so why fight it? If he does it when you ask him, just keep asking him. The key here is that it's his home too and he won't necessarily share the same ideas on what he should do as you do. Now if you stop doing certain things in hopes that he will do them and he doesn't, then complains about it not being done, then you have a leg to stand on--if he won't rise to the occasion on his own, he has no right to complain. But don't treat him like a child or an employee because that just won't go over well, nor should it. You really have to pick your battles here...just ask him when you want something done and get it done most of the time and everybody's happy, or expect him to be who he is not and wait for him to miraculously be a Mr. Cleanhouse and spend your life angry. I know which one I would choose.
     
  21. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    Thing about it...how much of that stuff is really necessary to do and who does it matter to? Try just getting up and saying goodnight and see what happens--I bet that the sun will still come up tomorrow.
     
  22. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    BMAK, You sound exactly like me as far as taking care of things before going to bed. I do it because it makes me feel the family is taken care of and I can then get a good nights sleep. The straightening of blankets is also true! I HAVE to, or I wouldn't even have a blanket! He has the whole bed torn apart, blankets wrapped around him and the sheet is always on the floor! I guess we must be quite the forgiving couple because we have been married 33 years!
     
  23. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    When I was newly married my husband didn't like the way I did laundry. He wanted me to open the dryer (close it immediately), hang up one shirt, turn the dryer back on for a bit, open (and repeat the cycle until all the clothes are done). Heck no. He complained and griped for several months. One day I looked at him and said, "you know what....from now on YOU do it." That was 12 years ago. He is still doing it. He doesn't do it that way though.
     
  24. sub&mom

    sub&mom Companion

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    Grammy, I'm thinking you are talking about me with the full time job thing...yes I do work full time and then some. I sub 4-5 days a week, usually paint murals on my day off work, umpire girls fastpitch from Jan through August 2 nights a week AND cart my daughters around to their various clubs and sports. Ugh! Sorry...I think I need a vacation.
     
  25. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    But does your husband work full time as well? That's what I was getting at. If you are both working full time, then the duties can be shared equally. If not, the one who doesn't work full time(or at all) should be doing the most at home.
     
  26. MollyT

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    I know I have never been married ......... but I hate doing housework, so if my husband was not doing things i would be tempted to do some of the following things ......

    Forget washing his clothes inside out ........ if he cant put them in the hamper then I wont look for them and they wont get washed ,

    If he wont do the dishes ........ wash my own , leaving his plate dirty ........ the next night, put his still dirty plate in front of him and dish up his meal onto it ......... i think he would get that message.

    I must admit that my father has always been such a great role model for helping around the house that I dont know if I could tolerate a non-helper.

    But like I said ....... I have never been married so all this is hypothetical for now. :)
     
  27. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Virtuoso

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    This is an issues that would best have been addressed BEFORE getting married. (Housework, managing money, and children were at the top of my list.)

    My husband is a musician. That means that his work hours are vastly different than mine. Most of his work is done in the evenings and on weekends. So, typically he's home during the daytime.

    He never sleeps past 9:00AM even if he's been up half the night, so he's got lots of time during the day.

    I work more hours than he does, so I'm home less. He also never has any "work stuff" to do at home or any additional duties related to his work.

    We agreed that he does all of the housework, runs all the in-town errands, and mows the yard. Occasionally he'll have to be out of town for a week at a time, and then I pick up the things that he does. It's only the two of us, and we're both neat freaks, so it's not a horrible job to do everything, really.

    He's an only child, and adopted, and he'd never lived on his own until we got married when he was 29. His dad is the type who thinks all housework is "women's work", and he'll not lift a finger to do anything around the house. Apparently he'd let the house fall in around him before he'd do it. His mom is the "cater to your man" type. I figured I'd be in for a hard time, but because we worked it all out BEFORE getting married, it's not been an issue.

    I had to laugh at his mom because she said that he didn't know how to do laundry. Well, he learned!
     
  28. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    Even when things are addressed before marriage, it doesn't mean that is how it will go. ;)
     
  29. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Yeah, but I'm not sure that treating your husband like one of the kids is the way to go.

    I think you consider the options:
    - live with the house as it is; do as much as you think is fair and skip the rest. See if you can trade off chores that either or neither of you likes

    - ask him to help and accept what he does

    - pay for help.

    I have a high mess tolerance, so the first choice works well for us. But for a lot of people, I think the 3rd choice is the solution.
     
  30. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    I'm looking into help.

    I don't see why these men don't get it. I personally can't get to the housework because of schooling. My son is supposed to be doing the cleaning since he's not working, but his kind of cleaning is a joke. Spouse won't do much because he just doesn't want to. I'm going to start watching the paper this week and see what's available. Our house is so small and modest I feel guilty doing this, but I also see it as bad stewardship to let the house go like it is. It's not a dump, but it needs to be better.

    I see the entire issue as one of respect, and men who don't/won't help are disrespecting.
     
  31. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    Me too! Respect is what is comes down to.
     
  32. sub&mom

    sub&mom Companion

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    My hubby technically has a full time job. He drives a dump truck which work can depend on the weather. If it rains he does not work. Also he had 2 months off this winter because there was no snow...so no salt needed. When he does work, it's a 10 hour day. And on those days, I certainly do everything around the house. I have no problem with that. It bugs me when he has a day or a week or a month off and I leave for work with him in the recliner and I return to see him in the recliner. I cook dinner with him in the recliner and I cart the girls to there practices while he sits in the **** recliner!! He does take the trash out and brings laundry to the laundry room and helps clean the rabbit cages...the rest is up to me.
     
  33. childcare teach

    childcare teach Comrade

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    I STOPPED CLEANING FOR THREE DAYS. THEN MY HUSBAND NOTICED AND SAID " ARE GOING TO CLEAN UP" I SAID IF YOU LOOK ALL MY THINGS ARE CLEAN AND PUT AWAY . THIS IS ALL YOUR STUFF. THEN HE REALIZED THAT HE NEEDED TO HELP CLEAN.
     
  34. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    My wife has a maid two days a week......... and she still says I'm "24/7"....... Hope that's a good thing!!!:p :p

    Major:) :) :)
     
  35. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    Major, your wife is a very lucky lady!;) :)
     
  36. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Very true Jenn. Men get into the comfort zone.
     
  37. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Yeah, but women do too! (Or at least this one has!)
     
  38. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    HAHA! Me too!! In fact I was a stay at home mom for quite a while. I grew up with an OCD dad. I wasn't like that but I was pretty good as a housewife. My husband still found it all lacking because it wasn't perfect in my 8 hours at home and he would rather I work. He didn't care so much that it wasn't perfect but he did care that I found that to be my job. So now I work and I don't clean house. Egad, he's having to figure out that there is a lot to that! I help out, but in a much smaller scale. I have to show him what I do and remind him that he used to do far less. He was always an active father and could be counted on for taking out trash, sometimes helping with laundry and helping during spring cleaning (with notice). Otherwise, he didn't do housework. So now I'm finding myself not doing as much and boy he's pretty darn good. One important clue though: I don't tell him he isn't doing it the way I would like.
     
  39. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    What is a comfort zone?
     
  40. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I thought Miss Frizz meant that guys sometimes get comfortably lazy, letting the women do more than their fair share.
     
  41. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Yea I know, but what did you mean? I thought it meant that you were comfortable and your husband does all the work?!
     

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