How to end my proposal?

Discussion in 'General Education' started by TamiJ, Feb 27, 2016.

  1. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Feb 27, 2016

    I am writing a proposal to our director general to change what foods are being sold in the cafeteria. I do not know the correct way to end the proposal. I will include my concluding paragraph and current ending. Thoughts?

    "In sum, our student population would be healthier, feel better, and have a higher cognitive function if we offered real, healthy food in the cafeteria as opposed to processed, sugary food. Those changes would likely be evident in student behavior and performance in the classroom (resulting in better attention and focus). Not only would we see enhancement in our students’ abilities, we would likely see the same improvement in the teachers’ abilities and performance as well. When a person feels great, he or she is capable of performing and producing incredible things. The possibilities of what our students and teachers could accomplish from this kind of lifestyle is limitless. What if feeling amazing every single day were a real possibility? What could we accomplish then?


    I ask that you consider this proposal for all the reasons listed above.


    Respectfully,


    Me"
     
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  3. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    Feb 27, 2016

    I would take off the I ask you to consider part, and end with the paragraph before.
     
  4. adeeb

    adeeb Rookie

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    Feb 27, 2016

    First off, props to you for trying to improve the food quality at your school! More schools are moving towards healthful food choices, but still too many are serving their students junk.

    It's a pretty good conclusion. I would take out words that express some level of uncertainty ("likely"). Here is my suggestion for your first two sentences:

    "In sum, our student population would develop healthier eating habits, be more attentive and focused in the classroom, and ultimately perform better on assessments if we offered real, healthy food in the cafeteria as opposed to processed, sugary food. Such changes would also improve student behavior and allow students to reach their full potential."

    Given that it's a conclusion, the following sentence is still a little too vague:

    "When a person feels great, he or she is capable of performing and producing incredible things."

    What if you tried this:

    "People who follow a healthy diet are more energized and set a higher threshold for performance."

    If you're not already doing it in your proposal, it could be helpful to include links to data/results from other schools that have shifted towards a healthier menu. My guess is that their results are positive. :D
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016
  5. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Feb 27, 2016

    Thank you everyone!
     
  6. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Feb 27, 2016

    Thank you. I have several sources cited within the proposal, including a study where they showed schools that follow a healthy plan resulted in lower cases of obesity. I will change my wording as suggested. Thanks so much!
     
  7. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Feb 27, 2016

    Ok, here's what I changed it to:

    "In sum, our student population would be healthier, feel better, and have a higher cognitive function if our cafeteria provided healthy food. Such changes would improve student behavior as well as performance. Not only would we see enhancement in our students’ abilities, we would see the same improvement in teachers as well. People who follow a healthy lifestyle feel energized and perform at optimal levels. The possibilities of what our students and teachers could accomplish from this kind of lifestyle is limitless. What if feeling amazing every single day were a real possibility? What could we accomplish then?

    Respectfully,

    Me"
     

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