How to deal with a loser

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out Archives' started by Lainie, Apr 1, 2006.

  1. Lainie

    Lainie Companion

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    Apr 1, 2006

    So here's my dilemma (I'll try to fill in most of the blanks):

    My fiancee's older brother is a loser (and no, there's not really a nicer word for it.) In the two years I've been with Brian, his brother has obtained and lost about fifty jobs, and two or three apartments. For the last several months, he's been bouncing around from his parents' house to his sister's house to homeless shelters... But still smoking cigarettes, still smoking pot (which means it's harder to get a job... ugh), still driving around in circles burning up gas, all of which is funded by his parents and his sister.

    The situation is bad enough that we're loaning his parents money to pay their bills because they keep giving the brother money. Last night, he called us to ask if he could stay here and then borrow some money. Luckily, Brian wasn't here, so it was easy for me to weasel out of. But now, he's on his way over here to borrow money. My fiancee, in a show of valor, lol, left, saying "There's a grocery store gift card on the table if he shows up." He's too nice to tell him to get a job. At this point, I'd like to tell him myself.

    Is this horrible? Should I wait for his own family to say it? I feel like they're enabling him to never straighten up. I mean, Brian and I are 22 and 19, and both work full time jobs. The brother is 30 and still pretending he's a kid.

    What do we do?
     
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  3. hanvan

    hanvan Connoisseur

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    Apr 1, 2006

    They are enabling him to act this way. If his family would put their foot down and stop giving him money then he would finally get off his butt and do it for himself. I have a friend whos brother inlaw is the same way. That situation has caused a lot of stress for her and her husband. I don't think its your place to say anything but you and your future hubby should set some "ground rules" for how you two will handle him. I know I would not give him a cent.
     
  4. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    Apr 1, 2006

    Best to resolve this now, before you are married because it won't be getting better after you are married. In fact, it will probably be a source of resentment for you towards your hubby. I agree with Hanvan, set the ground rules NOW together or else if you get married, it will be too late. If you can't work this out between the two of you............I'd be hesitant to move ahead with a wedding.
     
  5. ViolaSwamp

    ViolaSwamp Habitué

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    Apr 1, 2006

    Hits way to close to home. I almost married that loser (well not that particular one :)) because I thought he had straightened out. I agree with what has been said. It's not your place to talk to him (and it wouldn't really help anyway) but you do need to set boundaries with your future hubby and ask him to stick with them including not helping his parents out because you know why they are broke (and how old are they?). If he cannot keep this boundary in place he needs to realize your relationship and your trust of him will be damaged. It's not an ultimatum, just a marital boundary that needs to be set. This will be a touchy issue. It is his family. If you're a praying gal I'd suggest both of you praying on this one.
     
  6. Play to Learn

    Play to Learn Comrade

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    Apr 1, 2006

    Nightmare Brother in Laws!!!! UGGGGGG!!!

    I have a Brother-in law just like your are discribing only worse. My brother-in-law is married and calls us every time they fight. My husband like a good brother goes over there at 1 and 2 in the morning. At one time I was on bed rest for pregnacy and he went off to help his brother and is gone for hours. Once he gets there my husband has to stand around and listen to them fight then his brother does not leave. Finally my husband stop doing this. Before my Brother-in-law got married he bummed money alllllll the time and my husband would give it to him. We have been married for almost 11 years and my hubby is just now telling all his family no when they ask for money. His sister still owes us money from two months ago. Hubby just got a big bonus and he lied to his mom about the amount and when he was getting it. You two might just have to claim to be broke too. LOL:) My brother in law tried me and I put him in his place. I know he dont care for me all that much but that is ok. We have three children and they come first, before a 27 yr old baby. Good Luck been there.
     
  7. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Apr 2, 2006

    I'm not married yet, but I have a rule (amongst others) & that is when I do get married, we'll never allow any family members, friends, etc. move in w/ us. Because it's nothing but trouble. A 2 week stay will turn into 1 month, then 2 months, & so on until he has no intention of moving out. This will put a strain on your relationship because you won't want it & your fiance will feel pity on him. You'll end up resenting & hating them both because you'll see that your fiance, the man who's supposed to love you & be in your corner is putting his bro first before your feelings.

    Since you're about to marry this man, it's time to sit down & have a serious discussion about how the two of you will handle his bro. Hopefully he doesn't lie just so you won't be afraid to marry him & then after you're married, it's a different story. A loser bro like that has no place w/ a newly married couple or any relationship for that matter. He'll just mess things up & cause problems.

    For youre sake, I hope you don't have one of those spineless, softy types of man who never puts his foot down about things such as this situation. Giving money to help out a friend or relative who's had a stroke of bad luck is one thing, but the bro's constant loser lifestyle wouldn't get any sympathy from me. He needs to shape up & get the hell out of you & your fiances's lives.
     
  8. Lainie

    Lainie Companion

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    Apr 2, 2006

    He did put his foot down about not being able to stay here, thank goodness. Unfortunately, he did give him ten dollars this morning... I was still asleep. We've pretty much resolved that I'll stay out of it until he either asks me for something or we can't pay our bills. I'm hoping he'll say something before this money borrowing becomes a ritual. ugh...

    I'll keep you posted. I just can't imagine raising such a loser. I mean, the other siblings are normal...
     
  9. ViolaSwamp

    ViolaSwamp Habitué

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    Apr 3, 2006

    You don't mean that you'll stay out of it until he's given all of the money away and you can no longer pay bills right? I'm confused.
     
  10. Lainie

    Lainie Companion

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    Apr 3, 2006

    No, I mean, he just started bugging us for money and a place to stay- we're hoping it'll blow over, and he's way too embarrassed to say anything to me, because he knows how I feel. He's been pretty much talking to Brian (my fiancee). My honey's getting pretty irritated so I probably won't have to say anything. We're to the point of not answering phone calls from the rest of his family, because they're the ones sending him over here.

    I don't know...But I do know this whole thing is ridiculous. My mother would die of embarrassment if it was me being a retard. His mother is adamantly defending him. I mean, come on, he's been doing this since he was eighteen.
     
  11. Play to Learn

    Play to Learn Comrade

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    Apr 3, 2006

    Like I said it sounds like my hubby's family, only difference is my hubby will not say anything. He(hubby) is just now finally getting the picture how his family really is. We lived in Hawaii and they sent his brother who was 22 at the time to visit (aka keep him from going to jail the police had a warrant out for him). We didnt know this at the time. Yesterday, I called my brother in law to come and get a bike he has had on my back porch for over a year. I told him I was throwing it to the trash. UGGGG just bugs me, so I know what you mean.
     
  12. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    Apr 3, 2006

    This sounds like a situation we are in with my hubby's family as well (weird, lots of stories about the man's side of the family in this thread;), however, mine is no more sane than his:(). My sister in law doesn't borrow money, but she is on everyone's "list" because of how she acts. She tries to keep her husband (my bil) away from seeing his family because she's just weird like that, she called his daughter (her step daughter) a whore and told her it was all her (my niece) fault that her parents split up (she was a baby when they divorced). Anyone who gets in the way of her and her hubby she doesn't want around. It's like she's crazy jealous of everyone and if anyone gets any time to spend with him she goes insane.

    We have all been so fed up and when we see her again, it will be hard not to say anything because she has managed to tick every single person off in my hubby's family, and it's a huge family. However, it's kind of difficult to get mixed up in it when it's not my immediate family so I'm at a lose at what to say to her if I were to say anything.

    I this situation, I probably wouldn't be afraid of saying something. I have a cousin like this as well and I don't hold back. The rest of the family enables her, and I can't stand it. I'm the only one who is honest with her, and guess who she comes to for advice? Me, the one who's honest...go figure...honesty is the best policy after all.
     
  13. Lainie

    Lainie Companion

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    Apr 3, 2006

    Here's my major issue- Brian's mom, who wants to defend his bro to the death, expects me to feel sorry for him. I don't.

    When I was nine, my mother moved us to North Carolina. Someone stole her wallet with the rent money in it. We lived at the lake for two months. It wasn't our fault, and this is the brother's fault... I just don't get it.

    The brutally honest Lainie is gonna come roaring out at some point, and his whole family is gonna think I'm psycho. Oh well. lol.
     
  14. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    My cousin who is like this has a mom who defends her to the hilt as well. She is always giving her money to mend mistakes she made herself, etc. It's an endless cycle and she will never grow up when it comes to that department. She is spoiled and she never will learn from her own mistakes because she keeps on making the same ones and her mom digs her out every time.
     
  15. Amanda

    Amanda Administrator Staff Member

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    Apr 3, 2006

    It sounds like your fiance and his family need to attend some Al-Anon meetings. I deal with the same stuff except it is my father-in-law. It is hard for family members to tell the addict 'no' because they feel like families need to take care of each other. It is much easier for someone who isn't an immediate family member to look at the situation and see it how it is and wonder why they would continue helping the addict.

    One sad thing is that the addict will only mess with a person who they know they can guilt trip and get something from. If that person can learn to say no, the addict will move onto someone else. Family is not nearly as important to them as it is for the person they are taking advantage of.

    I guess my point is that the enabler needs to get counseling... They aren't able to see what they are doing is self-destructive. Your fiance will have to come to this realization before anything changes... Even so, this will likely be a long-term problem and conflict in your relationship. It takes a long time to change. My hubby is out right now giving his dad a ride somewhere after he called us about 10x today (literally). We didn't answer, and I don't understand why my hubby called him back. His dad never calls to see how we're doing... He only calls when he needs something and can't get one of his loser "friends" to help him. It is frustrating.
     
  16. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Apr 5, 2006

    My BIL is another one who is 30-something but acts 17-something. He's a user of dope and people and I have no use for him. Thankfully he doesn't seem to like me, either.
     
  17. Lainie

    Lainie Companion

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    Apr 8, 2006

    I just found out he's actually got a job. Thankfully, we haven't heard from him since last weekend.

    And I'm so proud of my honey... Apparently, last time loser-in-law came over, he (my honey) told him something along the lines of "you're causing a lot of tension in my relationship, and I don't appreciate it."

    Go, Brian! woohoo! I thought he'd never stand up for us.

    And Amanda, I know his family needs counseling. All of them do. The sister in this equation is, in my opinion, dealing with some kind of eating disorder (what else do you call someone who spends at least two hours a day, seven days a week at the gym? I'm all for being in shape, but good grief. When you weigh 95 pounds, you should give it a rest!)

    I wish they could all go into some kind of therapy. It makes me sad, the way their family interacts. I don't know all the background, but they definitely need some help.

    Brian and I will be seeing some counselors before we set a date for the wedding. I asked, and he at least didn't say no. I feel like it's important.
     
  18. Amanda

    Amanda Administrator Staff Member

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    Apr 8, 2006

    It is hard to marry into a dysfunctional family. We went to marriage counseling, but that was pretty basic. The dysfunctional stuff would require some extra work. Your fiance, although he's probably functioning okay now, would probably benefit from some individual counseling... but that's probably something he'll have to realize for himself. A lot of issues from his past may come back and cause problems for you both after you get married. Since you don't know all the history, it might be good to talk about it now so you know where he's coming from. It may cause some stress having to remember it all, but better to get it out of the way now than later.
     
  19. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Isn't it something how marrying into a dysfunctional family can personally affect the spouse who's entering into it? I'm not married yet, but if I marry into one of these kinds of families, I'll try to be empathetic towards the situation, but I'd try my best to stay out of the whole mess because I'm the innocent bystandard & I don't deserve to have those problems in my life nor is it my responsibility to handle them. I have my own life & things to deal with.
     
  20. Amanda

    Amanda Administrator Staff Member

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    Marriage is all about sharing a life together... give and take. Everyone has some level of dysfunctionality. If it's going to work, you can't be self-centered. You can't separate yourself from your spouse's difficulties, and vice versa. You help each other.
     
  21. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Apr 9, 2006

    Yes, well, I already know one thing. I'll never want any relatives or friends of mine or his to ever stay w/ us because that's nothing but problems & depending on the circumstances, if they have a stroke of bad luck (& not continuously being down & out), then maybe on a one time occasion, we'll give them some money to help them out. I say give & not loan because more than likely, they'll never pay you back, so it's just better to let them have it & if they're true friends or really mean well, then if they offer to pay us back when they're back on their feet, then that's great, but I won't expect to see my $ again. I wouldn't even want my own mother to live w/ my husband & I & she doesn't expect to stay with us anyway.

    I'll never let anyone else's problems start to affect my own life & relationship to the point where we're having problems or where it starts consuming our lives in any way. I'll pray for them & wish them the best, but I'll definitely only do so much.
     
  22. hanvan

    hanvan Connoisseur

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    Apr 9, 2006


    I think every family has someone who is "dysfunctional". I also believe that for a marriage to work you just have to work through things together. Now if my sister or aarons sister fell on hard times I would be there in a second. Its hard to watch someone you care about fall but at the same time you can;t enable someone either. I guess its a fine line.
     

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