How long after a breakup...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms.H, Feb 9, 2010.

  1. Ms.H

    Ms.H Companion

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2007
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    After a relationship of over two years, my bf and I finally decided that we weren't meant for the long haul together. It was a tough decision, and even though I am confident it was the right choice, it is still hard.

    None of my friends have been through a breakup in their adult lives, so I'm not quite sure where to go from here. For how much longer can I expect to be surprised by sudden attacks of sadness about something I miss? If you've been through a long term relationship ending, how long did it take to be "over" it? I know it takes time, but I just want to know when my life will feel normal again. (Or new normal, I suppose.)

    Also, how long would you recommend as a healthy wait time before starting to date new people? Please don't think me insensitive for looking ahead so soon-- even though we only broke up a few days ago, I already had someone mention a person I should meet. That naturally got me thinking. I'm certainly not feeling up to it yet, and I want some time to regroup emotionally-- I don't want to try too early only to find out that I can't handle it yet, but I also don't want to spend too much time being unsure.

    I know this is really one of those "different for everybody" situations, but if anyone has been through it, your sharing would be valuable to me. Thanks!
     
  2.  
  3. fast chalk

    fast chalk Comrade

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2009
    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    I haven´t been in this situation, but I just wanted to send some HUGS to you...
     
  4. Cerek

    Cerek Aficionado

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    My ex told me she didn't want to be with me anymore after 13 years and 3 children. I also realized she had been unfaithful in the marriage. The shock and pain of that betrayal took a long time to overcome. Part of the reason, though, was that I never really expressed those feelings to her. Finally, about 1.5 years after we split, she called and started giving me grief about an issue and I finally had enough. I told her everything I had wanted to say for the last year and a half. That helped me "turn the corner" and start the personal healing because I finally got all that anger and venom out of my system.

    It's now been close to 4 years. She has remarried and I have no problem being civil to her or her new husband. Like you, I'm actually glad to be out of the relationship with her. Our marriage had become toxic and I just didn't realize HOW bad it was until I was out of it. I am much happier now.

    As for dating again, you will know when the time is right. I've dated casually, but I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship again. So I keep things light and just keep things on the "friend" level for now.

    It is very hard to overcome the defensive barriers we naturally put up after a break-up, but dating other people is one way of healing and reminding yourself that you are a good and attractive person. It might be too soon right now, but you can be flattered one of your friends already has someone they think you should meet. Start with lunch (if possible). It's not as "serious" as dinner together and is a good way to just meet someone and find out if there is any common interest. ;)

    It also never hurts to have a night out with your girlfriends and engage in a good "guy bashing" session. :p:lol:
     
  5. Securis

    Securis Cohort

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2007
    Messages:
    695
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    When I know the answer to the question at hand, yours and mine, I'll let you know.

    I was once told by someone a formula for "getting over a relationship" but giving this theory any true weight is beyond me. They told me that if you were together for a year, then you'd need 1 month to get over it. 13 years, a year and month's time should be cure enough. Take that for whatever because I don't give it any credibility I'm just relating it as a plausible scenario.
     
  6. scienceteach82

    scienceteach82 Cohort

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2008
    Messages:
    688
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    it really depends on how deeply invested you were in relationship...
    my ex of 5 years broke up with me via txt message...wasn't that nice?
    luckily, I was able to move on ASAP...we had a lot of issues...
    Take some time for yourself...don't start looking right away. When you are ready, you will know. If you feel up to just going out for a lunch or drinks...then make it casual...or go in a group. No pressure.
    Good luck with everything :)
     
  7. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

    Joined:
    May 13, 2004
    Messages:
    5,913
    Likes Received:
    172

    Feb 9, 2010

    I can't really say. I went through only 2 break-ups in my entire life. I went through 1 "kind of" break-up when I was in 10th gr. My 12th gr BF moved to another state & we just didn't keep in touch after a while. From what I recall, I didn't tk it too hard.

    I went through 1 break-up as an adult at age 22 or 23 w/ my 1st real BF. I had been dating the guy for 4-5 yrs & I really loved him & we had a lot of fun & special times. However, I had kind of met someone else towards the end of that relationship, so when my BF & I broke up, I didn't take it that hard & started dating the new guy right afterwards. (My old BF never knew about the new guy.)

    I still have yet to feel that deep sadness that one does when they break up w/ someone.

    Good luck though. :)
     
  8. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    3,544
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    I broke up with my fiance back in college-we had been together for four years. It took me about 6-8 months before I could date again. I tried a couple of times during that period, but it just didn't feel good. I'm sure it's different for everyone.
     
  9. Crzy_ArtTeacher

    Crzy_ArtTeacher Comrade

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2008
    Messages:
    351
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    I've been through this before and I have to say it's different for everyone. I went through a breakup of a boyfriend of 4 years, all through my college career. We broke up three times and the last one finally stuck, he is now married. It's tough, it's a really tough thing to go through. But, years later I can now look back and see what a great experience it was to go through. It wasn't a GOOD experience at the time, but it helped me to see what I wanted and what I didn't want in a relationship.

    There is no 'formula' to getting over someone. It's different for everybody. I remember the Sex and the City formula where it takes half the relationship time to get over it. All I can say is there is no wrong/right way to start doing things. Just do it as you see fit.

    I've been through a couple long term breakups and while they were never fun, I learned something from each one. I became a stronger woman from it. I went out with my girlfriends a lot to distract myself, and it WORKED!
     
  10. newbie87

    newbie87 Comrade

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2009
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    Never had a longterm relationship before the one I'm currently in. TBH, I think a month is a good time to wait. I think if someone dates too soon after a breakup, the rumor mill starts. I've been dumped before to have a guy go out with a girl just a few days later. I can not prove it, but I always wonder did he break up with me to date her? I think that, even if untrue, taints a relationship...
     
  11. AMK

    AMK Aficionado

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2003
    Messages:
    3,019
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    You will know when you are ready. I was in a relationship for 4 years where we constantly broke up. when we finally ended it for good I joined match.com and went on dates. I dated guys but nothing really stuck till I ment my DF a year and half later
     
  12. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2007
    Messages:
    2,403
    Likes Received:
    1

    Feb 9, 2010

    I have only had one break up after a serious relationship in my adult life. We didn't date really long but it was very serious. And I seriously got dumped - it was NOT a mutual decision. It took me awhile to get over - I was seriously hurt. He broke up with me in June, so I spent most of the summer pretty depressed. But I think when school started again it gave me something to do and brought back some normalcy. I want to say it was almost a year before I started dating again, and I definitely kept it casual for awhile. Even so, I still thought about him and got upset a lot, really until I met my current BF, and that was about 2-3 years after we broke up.
     
  13. TennisPlayer

    TennisPlayer Cohort

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    For me it was a few months but I made sure I was ready. The bonus was that I could start thinking about the new person more and that helped me move on. We learn something from all of our relationships. I hope you have peace and focus on good thoughts. Online "dating" can be fun too but everyone has different takes on it. I took a chance and met my husband and am glad because we wouldn't have crossed paths any other way!
     
  14. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2006
    Messages:
    6,181
    Likes Received:
    1

    Feb 9, 2010

    According to Sex and the City, wait time is half the time you were with the person, so for you, 1 year.

    Okay, that was kind of a joke. :p

    Big hugs to you. Right now it may be really tough, but sooner or later you'll meet a fabulous guy and say, thank goodness.
     
  15. Ms.H

    Ms.H Companion

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2007
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0

    Feb 9, 2010

    Thanks, everyone, for sharing your experiences-- I know that this particular memory lane may not be a pleasant one to ramble down, but thanks for sharing the wisdom you've gathered. Thanks for the hugs, too!

    I can definitely say I learned a lot from this relationship, and we both took comfort in the fact that we were letting each other go to find someone even better. That thought definitely sparks a little excitement beneath the sadness.

    ...And did any of the Sex in the City ladies ever take their own advice and actually wait that long? Doubt it...;)
    (not that I'd really look to them for advice-- my life as a midwestern private school teacher is about as different from theirs as night and day!)
     

Share This Page

Members Online Now

  1. catnfiddle
Total: 424 (members: 4, guests: 405, robots: 15)
test