How do you know your ready...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by VANewbie, May 17, 2010.

  1. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    to have a baby?

    I will be 27 this year. I feel like my biological clock is starting to tick...Isn't this the age?
     
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  3. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    You never really KNOW until the little darling is put into your arms.

    We tried for 9 years before adopting Brian, then got pregnant with the girls.

    But somet things I would hope would ideally be in place would be:

    A monogomous commited relationship. For me, that means marriage.

    As much as is possible in this economy, at least one partner with a dependable salary.

    Both spouses in agreement that the time is pretty much right.
     
  4. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    Your parents probably felt they might be ready about 2 years ago or so. . . does that help? :D
     
  5. Securis

    Securis Cohort

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    I like the trial and error method, myself. That phrasing even sounds fun. The going advice form people I know with children is that you'll never quite be ready. You just have to decide to do it and learn as you go.
     
  6. Ms. I

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    I'm 35 & I don't have that strong urge that a lot of women get way by now. I could handle having a baby now in the mental/emotional sense, but I really don't want one right now.
     
  7. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    I don't get it. :confused:
     
  8. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    I'm not married....but who says you HAVE to be married. Its my first year teaching so I am not that financially ready. I want to start grad school as well.
    It just seems like I will never be ready and I want kids before I am 30.
     
  9. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    The most important clue for me...actually, the only way I would have ever considered having children...was that I got married.
     
  10. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    That being said, I was raised in a different generation than many of you...we were raised to think that marriage comes before children. That doesn't seem to be as important to people now.
     
  11. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    I was taught that as well!!!! :D Ahhh... the "old" days!!! LOL!!!
     
  12. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    It was 25 years after they became parents that they probably felt ready.
     
  13. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Same here.

    And it's what my kids are being taught as well.
     
  14. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    OH!!! lol

    There are not many people in my family who are married. My mom tells me NOT to get married. lol
    She doesn't want me too. So I don't really want to. But the guy I am dealing with wants to get married. I just grew up hearing my mom tell me that.
     
  15. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    AMEN!!!!
     
  16. Unbeknownst

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    If you wait for your finances to perfectly match, you (or everyone else) would never have a baby.

    Marriage is brought up because statistically you are more mature than people of your age group (that's why you get insurance discounts for being married), and hence more likely to be ready to have a child.

    If things are still a little iffy with you and your boyfriend and your job, I would wait. However, if and when those things become more stable ... go for it.

    Or you'll be waiting forever.
     
  17. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    You don't have to be married. But it makes me sad when parents tell their children to not ever marry, assuming that advice is based on their own experiences. My mother was a man-hater and very deliberately taught me to not trust a man and I certainly wish she hadn't.
     
  18. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    Yea my mom told me not to trust or help men.
     
  19. Ms. I

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    I'm in my 30s & I still strongly believe in this. Heck! I was raised by parents & my religion to NOT live together before marriage OR have sex before marriage. I wish a whole lote more people felt that way too.

    When I hear this, it's sad to hear that the sanctity of marriage isn't regarded much. I'm not just talking about you. There's numerous, numerous people who feel the same way.

    For you personally, do you just feel that there are no good people to marry these days OR do you just think marriage is just a piece of paper & not a big deal? I'm just curious. :)
     
  20. Ms. I

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    Actually, my mom has pretty much raised me to not trust ANYONE 100%, but she does want me to marry someday. She just always tell ms to be in a position to always be able to care for myself if the marriage doesn't work out & that the moment he doesn't want me, I don't want him either. Unfortunately as we know, a long & happy marriage isn't promised to anyone.
     
  21. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    I seriously think its just a piece of paper. Why is it that the paper is what makes the relationship real?
    I mean also its just something I have never seen in my family and the marriages I have seen have been crap.

    Why do you need a piece of paper, ceremony and a white gown. I know too many people who just want the wedding and not the marriage. I do not even want a wedding. I used to dream of it but now if I ever got married I just want something small. Like vegas or something.
     
  22. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Maybe because your job is somewhat unstable, you still live at home and you aren't married?
    You'll know when you're ready...and some people just never are. If it's not a burning desire for you to parent, don't.
     
  23. MissCeliaB

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    I did a courthouse marriage. 9AM on a Monday morning. I wore a sun dress, he wore a nice shirt and a tie. He pressured me to get married. Now I'm pressuring him to have babies, but he wants to wait a few years. Also, I would be a very, very high risk pregnancy, so he would rather adopt, and I understand where he's coming from. Why put my body through the risk when there are so many babies who need good homes.
     
  24. JustMe

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    There are lots of "little pieces of papers" that are mighty important. Besides, to reduce marriage to a piece of paper is, in my opinion, inaccurate. Also, A marriage doesn't necessarily equate to a wedding with a white dress, flowers, and the whole bit. I'm ridiculously casual, so it was jeans for me.

    This guy that you're "dealing with"...he is who you would hope to have a child with, I assume?
     
  25. Crzy_ArtTeacher

    Crzy_ArtTeacher Comrade

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    I'm 24, unmarried, and expecting my first child any day now. We took a different path than what is 'norm' for some people, but we took the path that was right for us. My 'now fiance' and I bought a house first, got pregnant second, and got engaged third.

    I was seriously jaded for a while on what marriage really meant to me, and if it was important to me or not. We decided to get pregnant before we got married because we were ready. When I say ready I meant we both have stable careers, insurance, have a house, and were as ready as possible financially. Now that my due date is creeping up (June 11th), I'm more excited and scared than I've ever been in my life.

    After becoming pregnant I re-evaluated the importance of marriage. Not so long ago I witnessed my parents marriage almost dissolve in front of my eyes due to my dads affair. I debated for a long time whether that piece of paper meant anything to me. It took me a while but I've finally come to understand that it is important to me to make that commitment to my fiance, for US. For our young family that we're starting. We will get married eventually, and I look forward to having our little boy take part of our ceremony.

    I understand where you're coming from though, I felt this urge that I was ready to be a mommy, and ready to start our family with the person I loved.
     
  26. Unbeknownst

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    Be forewarned, I'm very biased in this argument because I am married, but I can't help but chuckle to myself when I hear people call marriage "just a piece of paper."

    I was guilty of calling it that once. However, life has a sense of humor, because I learned very quick just how different being married versus being together really is.

    It's one of those growing pain things though: none of us here can explain the importance and magnitude of marriage, but once you do it (if you choose to) ... you'll know.

    :)
     
  27. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    Yes you assume right. We were in a relationship for about 8 years.

    You just have to understand that I was raised to look at it as a piece of paper. Then people fantasize about a wedding and do nothing to prepare for a wedding.
    I'm kind of with Oprah and Stedman and the lady Joy Behar(?) on the view. It works for them why can't it work for others.
     
  28. FarFromHome

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    I think it just depends on the person and their situation. I'm 25 and I believe in being married before having a child. But I also think you should be married a little while first, to hopefully make sure you have a strong enough marriage. I've been married 3.5 years. We still have some problems (a few more than most couples), so I wouldn't want to have a kid right now. We're working through things and want to have a strong marriage before we bring kids into it.
     
  29. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Probably not the best role models.
     
  30. VANewbie

    VANewbie Devotee

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    Ha!
    It really is how you were raised. I used to dream of my wedding and being married like all little girls. Then one day it all changed. My mom got remarried(although she said she never would) and that marriage is a joke. She wishes she never did it and always tells me not to get married.
    I'm not saying I never will I just don't want to.
     
  31. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    So sorry your mom projects her misfortune onto you.
     
  32. GoehringTeaches

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    With my first husband I had no desire whatsoever to become a mother. Then with my second marriage, I knew instantly that I wanted him to be the father of my children. Financially, we both had steady solid incomes. Plus, I had seen him as a father with his two sons from his first marriage and knew that we were meant to be together and to have a child of our own.
     
  33. Ms. I

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    I agree w/ this. Just because her marriage didn't work out, she shouldn't give you such a dismal portrayal of marriage. I think everyone deserves that kind of happiness that marriage brings...if that's what the person wants. I don't care how much times have changed, marriage will always be a special thing in my eyes.

    I personally don't care about a big wedding. I admit there was a time in my mid-20s when I wanted one, but now, it can just be him, myself, & our parents in Hawaii. (Actually, he doesn't want his dad there & I don't blame him). We don't have to have people there, but I still would kind of like a tropical, beautiful locale!

    BTW, my parents have now been married for 38 yrs. It's their only marriage for both of them & I'm their only child.
     
  34. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Let's put the focus onto the child.

    I think that all children have the right to expect:, as a minimum

    - to be welcomed to the world by two loving, committed (in my book, that means married) adults who plan to stay in the picture for at least the next 18 years.

    - that those adults will provide the child with his or her material needs including but not limited to sustenence, a safe home, an education

    - that those adults will attempt to raise a child free of prejudices against others

    - that those adults will love the child and want what's best for him or her, even when those choices are hard, even when it means the wants of the adults take second place to the needs of the child.

    I think that, unless you're the adults in that picture, you're not ready. Being a parent is so much more than biology!!! Ask my son!
     
  35. Grammy Teacher

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    Every child deserves to have a mother and a father who love him and are willing to make their marriage work for the sake of their child. That's what a child needs for security as they are growing and in the future. If you have not experienced that yourself while growing up, it is extremely difficult to help you realize what I mean.
     
  36. JustMe

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    Were? Or are?
     
  37. Tasha

    Tasha Phenom

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    Neither has children with their current SO or raised children with them. I think it means something to kids to know that their parents are committed to each other in that way. That doesn't mean that people can't be committed to each other without it, but there is a different level of security in actually getting married that is meaningful. Marriage is so much more than the ceremony or the paper and I guess when you really understand that, that is when you are ready to get married.
     
  38. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I think you need to think about what "it works" means.
     
  39. Jem

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    My marriage means getting to live every minute with my best friend. The piece of paper, which I never give a second thought to, means I get to ride his insurance and other wonderful luxuries I never really think about.

    We're talking about having a baby a lot lately. Looks like we'll officially start trying in October, although we might find reasons to push it back even further, haha. Each time I think we're ready, we get scared. Loss of sleeping in, loss of spontaneous freedom, loss of money, loss of energy, loss of the my body which I'm getting back in shape after a lot of $$.... but the gain of another little person to love and help grow. We'll see...
     
  40. funshine2381

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    I know what you mean, I'm 29 and I"m having that urge to have a baby ....like now. I already have a child-I was 20 when I had him and now I'm wanting another one. Since I was a single mom with my first (we divorced soon after my son was born) and I know how hard it is, I will definitely wait until my next marriage is solid and financially secure for the next. I would never want to go through that hardship again. But yeah...I definitely know that "urge" you're talking about, but you still have time.
     
  41. MissFroggy

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    I probably would have wanted a baby around your age, but like you, I wasn't in a place. You never know what will happen between now and 35... and really, 30 is not the end-all be-all. When you hit 30, you will realize that you're still really young.

    I am 32 and DO NOT feel entirely ready. I do however think in the next couple years I will be. I have my masters, am buying a home, have $, and am in a relationship. You never know though--- at this point I'd have a baby alone if I need to. But I am going to wait until after 35 before that happens. I just see that there is so much potential in my life! I know it seems silly, but at 27 I thought it was going to be horrible to be single, childless or whatever in my 30's. However, my 30's have been SOOO much better than my 20's! I never would've expected that.

    Wait awhile and see how you feel in a few years!
     

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