How Do You Feel About Your Spouse/SO's Family?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms. I, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Honestly, how do you feel about the family of your spouse or SO?

    My BF's family is eh! :mellow: I haven't seen them in yrs & that's by choice. I guess they could be worse, but they're not the warmest, kindest, most welcoming people IMO. My BF's parents are OK, but he has 3 siblings & they're all the same. They all have this "I'm better than you" type attitude. He's quite different from them. His extended family is quite large. His dad is 1 of 9 kids.

    I've only gone to 1 or two family functions. Maybe if they were nicer, I'd feel more like going to their affairs.

    I'm an only child & a pretty solitary person, so big family functions or parties aren't the most thrilling to me.
     
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  3. Mrs. K.

    Mrs. K. Enthusiast

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    I am closer to my DH's family than any member of my own. His mom is the only parent we have left, and she's very dear to me. His sisters and brother and I get along splendidly. They're all the way across the country, so we don't see them often.

    I'm an only child too, as is my DD. I had always wished I was part of a big, loving family; thankfully, my in-laws gave me that.
     
  4. terptoteacher

    terptoteacher Connoisseur

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    dh is an only child.
    We have a mother in law apartment. His mother, step father and aunt live there. I get along better with the step father and the aunt. His mother is scary. Plus there's that language barrier--they speak Korean and I have a hard time understanding my mil's accent.
    He's really close with his cousins and I really like all of them--even though they're totally red neck!!!:p;) or maybe it's because they're red necks!!:rolleyes:
     
  5. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    DH's family is wonderful! He comes from a large family. His parents are in Mexico and most of the brothers are here. They share my same sense of humor and are just super ppl. We all get along really well. :)
     
  6. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I wish my BF was an only child like me or they all lived so far away that we only saw them like every 10 yrs & even that would be too often! :D
     
  7. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    My BF pretty much only has his mom, who he lived with until last weekend. He was close with his dad, but he passed away before we met. He has no siblings. His only living grandparent passed away last year before I got to meet her. She was 101.

    I can tolerate his mom, but she is really horrible to him. She constantly criticizes him, and I have never heard her say one nice thing to him. She never says I love you or hugs him or anything. It is just "Geez, you are so cheap, you need to lose weight, I can't believe you ate all of that, can't you pick up after yourself? Remember to take out the trash." She even talks bad about him when he isn't in the room. My mom even said something about it at Christmas (we include her because she doesn't have anywhere else to go - and I am not evil enough to leave her alone at Christmas...) My mom thinks he is great. His mom was going on about how he never does anything to help her around the house. My mom said "Really, because he is always really helpful when I ask him to do something around here." haha

    She is a nice person to everyone else, I just don't know why she can't lay off him. It is constant and never balanced by one positive comment. I am soo glad he moved out. I saw an almost instant weight lifted off his shoulder when we moved him out.

    He said his mom's mom treated him the same way, which I think is even sadder - grandma's are supposed to be the ones that spoil you, not nag you to death like your mother does. And I already told him if she thinks she is treating OUR child like that, she has another think coming, because she will never see us before I let her do the psychological damage that she did to my BF. Which is sad, because we will probably live closer to her than we will to my parents.

    I have met a few other relatives and they are ok. He has one great aunt that I LOVE, although last time she visited she was getting a little annoying with the "When are you getting married" questions.
     
  8. AMK

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    I am 29 with no parents and grandparents. My boyfriends family has been wonderful to me and I hope it stays that way. I hear sometimes relationships change after you marry! At least it did for some of my friends.
     
  9. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    Ms. I -- Honey you should reread your post and pretend like someone else wrote it. What advice would you give them?

    If you haven't seen them in years and are interested in a better relationship with them, maybe you should reach out. You will find that they aren't all the same and that you may even like them:)

    My DH's family is crazy. There are some I like more than others but when I see them (maybe twice a year) it's fun, except for the one uncle that hits on me. YUCK. I talk to MIL all the time.

    Give it a try Ms.I
     
  10. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    :hugs: It will!
     
  11. DHE

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    I love my in-laws and I know that they love me, just the same. As I have said on several occasions, my hubby and I were apart for 17 yrs then got back together. His family was overjoyed. When we first got back together, my MIL couldn't stop hugging me. They think that I am the best thing that has happened to him. Even when we weren't together, I could bring my two oldest children to see them and they would treat me the same that they treated me when we were together 20 yrs ago.
     
  12. Crzy_ArtTeacher

    Crzy_ArtTeacher Comrade

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    My DH family is AMAZING to me. They've embraced me as one of their own. Especially when my family was crumbling last year.

    They've been at our house helping us paint and redo the bathroom weekend after weekend, and during the week. They are selfless and dedicate their time to us.

    DH is one of four boys and each one of his brothers treat me like a sister. It's a wonderful loving family that I'm glad I'm a part of!
     
  13. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    Awww- what happy posts!! We need to count our blessings:)

    I love my relationship with my DH's family too. I just wish they and my own family were much closer to where I live. My MIL is also so caring toward my own elderly parents. They live in the same town and she is always checking in with them.
     
  14. TeacherGroupie

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    I still get along with the ex's family... of course, I was raised in a family in which mother-in-law jokes just weren't relevant.
     
  15. DHE

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    My father's family would say that my mother was like a sister to them. They never saw her as a SIL. They would defend my mother before they would my father, really. One time my father claimed to be leaving my mother; he went to my grandmother's house. She told him to go back home because there was no way that he was leaving my mom alone to raise all those children. There are six of us. I think it is a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with your in-laws. It is good for SO and for any children that come from the relationship. I know it doesn't always happen that way. My ex-husband has one sister and we are still friends today. We still call each other every morning to make sure the other one is up and moving. Her husband helped to get my new husband his job and they sometimes ride together to work.
     
  16. buck8teacher

    buck8teacher Devotee

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    I got along famously with my ex's family. I REALLY liked them, and the feeling was mutal. :) Even though I thought his mother hated me the first few times I spent time with her. Of course, mom's are protective of their little boys.
     
  17. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    lemonhead, if someone else posted this, my initial thought would be: That's too bad, but that's how life is sometimes. Not everyone clicks splendidly.

    But, I understand what you're saying completely! :)

    His siblings are the worst. How would you feel if YOU'VE always been cordial to your SO's family, but they ignore you or don't have the common courtesy to even say HELLO or start any kind of small talk w/ you. It's all about them & they have this attitude as if to say, "It's MY world, you're just living in it". I don't think anyone would be too thrilled to want to see people like that too often.
     
  18. MsT

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    I'm sorry to hear that Ms. I! That reminded me of my ex's family. They were Mexican, but knew english. I don't speak spanish, but they would still talk mostly in spanish around me. I just felt left out and had no idea what they were talking about! I just could not connect with them! Kind of like what you said earlier, "It's my world, your're just living in it." I hope things get better for you!
     
  19. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Thanks MsT. There's a big b-day get together for my BF's grandmother who's turning 90 this Sat. She's actually the only family member of his I like. She was always nice to me. I'd like to go for my BF's sake, but the idea of having to spend the whole day w/ all the other people in his family is not something I don't feel like doing at this time, so once again, he's going alone to another function.

    We're not married yet after all. When a couple gets married, they're more obligated to have to do these kinds of things.

    The rotton thing is, that I hope they don't have the nerve to think that I never show up to things of theirs because I think I'm better than them. They're the ones who are smart asses & think they're better. Deep down, they must be aware of how they treated me in the past, even though they'll never admit it.
     
  20. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Enthusiast

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    Oh don't even get me started on husband's family. His mother is all nice to my face, but stabs me in the back as soon as I turn around. His step mom thinks I stole a cedar chest from her and we haven't talked in two years. (BTW I bought the chest at going out of business sale) His Dad is ok, but is lead around by the hook in his nose by his wife. His middle brother is married to a snob. The only one I have any respect for and like is his younger brother. He is great to me. Man it sounds like I am hard to get along with, but that really is not the case. I have given all these people lots of chances. We have been married almost 20 years and for about the first 17 I was cordial and friendly. It wasn't until hubby starrted working overseas that I needed to start standing my ground.
     
  21. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Happy b-day txmomteacher2!

    I agree w/ you! It's not that we're the horrible person. They just choose to not like us for whatever reason.
     
  22. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Enthusiast

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    Thanks for the bday wish!
    Oh I know the reason they don't like me. My husband is the oldest. He took care of his brothers and his Mom. Then I came around and took him away from them. His mom still calls him her son. I mean I know that he is and will always be her son but I am never even mentioned. The step mom is just crazy. I have never made him make a choice, they have. omg my blood pressure goes up just thinking about all the stuff i could write.
     
  23. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    this is simple. I LOVE THEM!
     
  24. afterschoolgirl

    afterschoolgirl New Member

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    I love his family. They are wonderful and very welcoming. In fact last summer i took a trip with his mom, dad, niece and newphew without him. We had a blast for two weeks.
     
  25. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    My husband and I had a belated honeymoon cruise to Alaska. Our traveling companions were his father and stepmother (I prefer to call her Smom). They are lovely, warm people who welcomed me into their family immediately. I'm very lucky.
     
  26. TeacherNY

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    My mother in law is a nice lady. She has always been very kind and never acts like the pushy and nagging MIL. I make a lot of her recipes and I know she loves that. Her and my mom have become best buddies. I wouldn't say I am VERY close to my husband's family (just his mom and his brother) but we get along well.
     
  27. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    I love my in laws, and they love me. My DH was close to my mom as well.
     
  28. adventuresofJ

    adventuresofJ Comrade

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    I've only met the SO's mom over video phone - so far so good. Dad stayed with us for a weekend. I'm not so sure. He seems decent enough, just odd. Short periods of time might be ok. His brother and sil... no idea never met them and his bro calls me by his ex's name (as in long ago ex)... so yeah... we're still working on that.

    The parents seem to like me... so things are looking good.
     
  29. Hoot Owl

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    That's tragic, what's her problem??

    My in-laws have both expired. I loved them dearly and they loved me too. I miss them very much and I'd give anything to have them back again. They weren't perfect and MIL did get on my nerves sometimes but she always meant well.
     
  30. scooter503

    scooter503 Comrade

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    My in laws are not my favorite people. They disliked me for the first two-three years we were together (they were HUGE fans of the previous girlfriend and blamed me for keeping them from getting back together). Then my FIL admitted it to me once. I'm still not very comfortable with them. My FIL will come out to say hi to my hubby when we visit, and then leave the room. And they only call us when they want something or have bad news. I do like his one aunt and uncle a lot, though...wish they were his parents instead.

    However, my hubby gets along great with my family. My family (including extended family like aunts and uncles) is more likely to call to wish him a happy birthday than his own.
     
  31. Jem

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    My dh and I's family differences is simply a case of huge culture differences. My family is extremely mid-western. My dad raised us on meat and potatoes and a healthy dose of greasy spoon restaurants. We shop at the mall a lot, watch corny movies and do karaoke at home as a family. We make constant fools of ourselves. Ok, I understand that's not a mid-western thing, but to dh, it is. Dh's family is the exact opposite-they eat at expensive, high-quality restaurants and only watch classics or documentaries, are snobby about their clothes and appearance and what other people think about them. So dh has some trouble being with my family. We take a lot of family vacations, and he hates where my parents choose to eat-he always picks restaurants he knows my parents won't like to 'open their eyes', but really I think he's just trying to get them back. I always feel slightly uncomfortable around my in-laws because I truly don't care what other people think about me and I feel they are judging me (which is weird, if I really didn't care, but I guess I do care about what they think of me). My MIL is super sweet and generous, but there's an underlying layer of judgment. And she has it in her head that my mom doesn't like her, which is so not true. They've only met once, at our wedding, and my mom was a wreck and totally pre-occupied.

    I'm glad that we live close to the in-laws, as it's a nice substitute for living so far from my parents. But nothing replaces your own parents. Dh is an only child, and I really wish he had siblings. My ex had a brother just a year younger than us, and we were all best friends. It was so wonderful hanging out with him. I can't wait until my brother gets married and I have a sister in law. He's had serious girlfriends, but I'm careful not to get TOO close, because when they break up, it's horrible. But it will be wonderful to have a sister. I really hope she's nice.
     
  32. loves2teach

    loves2teach Enthusiast

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    ummm- no comment :)
     
  33. DHE

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    I have had two MILs and both of them were wonderful. I helped to care for MIL1 as I would have my own mother. I would do the same for my MIL2, but she has 5 daughters, so they would not need me as much. First MIL only had one daughter, so me and the other DIL helped a lot.
     
  34. bonneb

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    My MIL is fantastic. SIL is very giving. We don't see them much, but when we visit each other it is for long periods of time and we get along well.

    MIL does not interfere and supports us with our children. She doesn't always agree - she is kinda soft - but supports us and appreciates the way we are raising our DD. We share the same most important values which goes a long way. She verbalized to me some time after my mother passed away that she wanted to try to be more of a mother to me - so sweet. When we announced to them we were engaged, she threw her arms around me and said "I've been waiting for this day!"

    FIL passed away about 8 years ago. He was very sweet, kind of simple, but kind. He originally did not really want DH to marry me but didn't say so. In his later years he was quite ill, and one day started crying and telling me how much he appreciated my kindness to him, even when he was not very nice to me.

    How sweet can that be?? I lucked out.
     
  35. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    silverspoons - How awful for your BF! I have a friend who started criticizing my husband to me, then to his face! She would do it in a way that it was like a joke, but not funny to anyone else.

    I finally realized I can't have a friend like that. I won't let anyone talk down my husband, and I do not talk him down to ANYONE. If I am upset because he is acting whacko, I talk to God about it. I will not damage his reputation. And I will never again let anyone talk about him that way.

    Is there any way you could address this to the mom? Like if he is not around and she starts in, say something like "He is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Please don't talk that way about him in front of me." Could be tough because you are not married yet. Could be that he might have to sever that relationship himself. Good luck. That is just awful.
     
  36. bballlady

    bballlady Rookie

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    Though I am no longer married I will say that my in-laws and I got along wonderfully. To this day I still talk to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. Actually whenever there was a holiday or family gathering both families attended. My parents and my in-laws traveled to many places together. I don't think I would have been able to tolerate not getting along with my in-laws when I had children. I wanted my sons to know both sets of grandparents and they did and still do. For those of you who have children or will have them what type of relationship do you feel will develop between the children and grandparents if you have these feelings? Attitudes and feelings just don't disappear when you are with people. Don't you think children will "sense" something is wrong?
     
  37. Kase

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    I absolutely love my boyfriend's immediate family! They treat me just like their daughter and my family does the same with him. I couldn't be luckier. I've met his aunts and uncles and everyone once and they seemed nice but I definitely love his parents.
     
  38. fuzed_fizzion

    fuzed_fizzion Comrade

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    My fiance's family is fantastic. I love them! His entire family has been friendly, warm, and wonderful to myself and my children.
     
  39. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    I'm sorry. If it was me, I would still go for my husband's sake. If it is a big enough deal for him to go then I would go.

    I think by you not going you are sort of doing the same thing. Showing that the world revolves around you. I bet if you put in more effort, I mean you said yourself you never see them, you would see some things change. Do ask what you could bring? Do you ask if you could chip in on presents for people? Do you ask if it would be okay if you just came for an hour or two since you have another obligation?


    Finally, maybe your fiance has to step in and let them know something. When my DH's uncle used to start hitting on me, I enlisted my DH and MIL to put an end to it. He still creeps me out at times but I just stay my distance and avoid one on one coversations any time alcohol is involved.

    Finally, finally, I didn't mean to upset you in my other post.

    Lemon
     
  40. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I'm not upset, but thanks for mentioning it! :) (And he's not my fiance.)

    He's told his mom before why I don't like to be around his family gatherings. I talk to his mom every once in a while when she calls my house to talk to him (him & I don't live together BTW). We're always nice to ea other on the phone. She probably understands how his other siblings are, but they're still her kids, so what can she really do about the way they treat me? He has an identical twin who's a total a$$ & a younger bro & sis who were teens when I 1st started dating him, so you know how teens are, they can have up & down type personalities. The younger bro's now been married, the sis is in a long-term relationship, so they could care less about me. They've got their own things going on.

    I'm sure I'll go again to a family function someday.
     
  41. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    How long have you been dating your BF? How far away do they live?
     

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