He's Just Not That Into Me (why is dating so HARD?!)

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Teacher_Lyn, Jul 3, 2009.

  1. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Jul 3, 2009

    I really need to start a blog called "Lame Adventures in Dating". ha.

    Anyway, a few weeks ago, I invited a guy (widower, two kids) that writes for the same website as me out for coffee. We talked for about an hour and a half.

    I made him laugh a lot, thought he was having a good time because I certainly did. I just KNEW I was going to hear from him again and get invited on a real date. Or at the very least, I'd have a cool guy friend.

    He instant messaged me the next day. We talked awhile and he joked that it took me awhile to instant message him back because he must have made such a bad first impression.

    From that point on, he started commenting on my facebook page HARD, like everytime I updated my status or posted anything, he was there with a comment.

    Then I stop hearing from him and he stopped posting on my page. If I imed or texted him, he'd respond, but not really keep the convo going. I didn't understand.

    A couple weeks go by of this. So after a couple dead end communications, I stop talking to him.

    I spoke to my parents about it on Monday and Dad's like, "You should try again. Ask him out for coffee in a casual style".

    So I talk to him this Tuesday and tell him that I'm off my coffee fast and does he want to celebrate by going out and having more coffee with me?

    Hes like, "sure, l'll let you know Wednesday evening."

    TWO DAYS go by, and nothing.

    What's even lamer is that I see him sign online (i know i'm on his buddylist because he's imed me before) and he says nothing. I sent out an email about something for the website to him and the others in our group, so even if he forgot, you'd think that would jar his memory.

    So I texted him on Thursday night and said, "Didn't hear from you Wednesday, so I'm assuming that means you're busy or couldn't find a babysitter. Made other plans, have a happy 4th of july!"

    He messages me back saying, "Yeah, sorry, things got pretty intense last night and I forgot to get back to you. Have a happy 4th of July".

    So, yeah, I'm done. Ugh. Why does it have to be so hard?
     
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  3. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    I don't know .... maybe 'cause he's a guy?

    Seriously, though, I really think they don't like to be contacted by a female more than once. That's just too much pressure for them - pressure to be civil, responsive, communicative. Better that you know it now, rather than later, right?
     
  4. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Daisy -
    But why so fickle and weird? He seemed to have a good time. He started intiating contact. Then, he stops. So I was like, "Okay, I'll intiate some back". And it's like a deadend. I leave him alone for a couple weeks, then try again. And THIS happens.

    I swear, I wish I lived in the days of arranged marriages.

    If he's "just not that into me" why not be a man about it and at the very least tell me, "Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to have coffee for awhile. I'm really busy with the kids/work/trying to do ______" instead of being like, "Sure".

    Ugh, bunghole (him, not you)
     
  5. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Well, another one bites the dust! It sounds like he met someone else OR something's happened OR maybe nothing happened & he just figured to be cold before he gets too involed. I hate it when people act warm one second & cold the next, ugh!

    Act cool & confident, don't act desperate. It's ok to ask a guy out, but you can tell when it starts to be overload on your part.

    Oh well, move on. Who cares, he's definitely not the only fish in the sea! :)
     
  6. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Either he may have felt too much pressure or it is entirely possible that crap came up at his house and he is busy being a dad and taking care of day to day stuff and really just not really have a chance to get back to you. I tend to keep in touch with a few friends almost daily and then I will disappear for a few days because things get hectic. That happens with family life.
     
  7. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    That's what a friend suggested too. SO, why not just SAY that?! There was a guy that asked me out when I had first started dating my boyfriend, so instead of playing games, I just said, "I've got a boyfriend right now, so I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to go out. Thanks though."

    Guess it's better than I find out NOW that he's an a-hole, then two months down the line like this other jerk I went out with.

    Man, there's gotta be something I'm doing wrong. Dating cannot be THIS hard for everyone.

    Even e-harmony didn't work for me.
     
  8. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    I'm going to go rent the movie.
     
  9. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    I just rented the movie! Didn't watch it yet. Hope it helps :)
     
  10. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    Move on darling.
     
  11. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    PS..that sounded mean. I don't mean to be mean. Sorry. I just don't want you wasting your time. Just know someone is out there for you and will like and love you for who you are. :hugs:
     
  12. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    :hugs:
    aw lemon, hun that wasn't mean at all. it was just what i needed to hear, but i love that you were considerate enough of my feelings to apologize, though it wasn't needed. i'm going to let it go and move on...its just hard because everytime i try to pursue a guy, this happens or I get in the "friend zone"
     
  13. RainStorm

    RainStorm Phenom

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    Yes, it is this hard for most. There is nothing strange or unusual about it. Most women who don't meet their mate during high school or college go through at least 50-75 unsuccessful dating attempts before finding a person to develop a relationship with. Then, only about 20% actually have long term success with that relationship, meaning the other 80% have to start over. More dates -- more rejection.

    E-Harmony doesn't work for about 97% of their clients. (Read the research.) So you weren't in the rare 3% who actually find someone on e-Harmony. You actually had better odds of winning the lottery (local state lottery-- not the multi-million dollar jack-pot).

    It isn't just something that is happening to you. It just seems that way because you are so hopeful. I almost said "desperate."

    Lyn, I'm not trying to be mean or anything -- but from a distance I can see that you might be coming across as a bit desperate. You made the first date (or coffee meeting.) When things slacked off, you initiated contact. When that wasn't followed by him calling for a date, you initiated another coffee date. To a man, that comes across as desperate. I know it isn't the message you intended to send, but it what comes across in "man-speak."

    The harder you try in terms of dating, the worse it is going to get. You are, my dear, setting yourself up for repeated heartache. I know you don't want to hear that, but I'm saying it anyway.

    I"m going to quote Nathaniel Hawthorn here, "Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes and sits softly on your shoulder."

    As long as getting a man/date/relationship is this huge priority for you, it will elude you.

    Find volunteer work you enjoy that includes LOTS of other people --men and women, because women have friends/brothers/buddies who are men. Join a church or religious organization that fits your beliefs AND that has a huge young adult program with tons of men and women in your age group. Then sign up for a class -- the type that also attracts tons of people -- preferably in your age range. Then meet some girlfriend your own age, and plan a weekly "girls night out" -- because your girlfriends will "tell it like it is" and may know tons more people for you to meet. When you've done all four of these, weekly for at least 4-5 months, you will, just naturally develop the friendships that lead to relationships. You don't want to "scout" these events out for "fresh meat".. you are looking for friends -- because friends become the best lovers, soul mates, best friends, companions. And sometimes, even just the friend friends can set you up with just the right person, because they know you so well, and they know the other person so well.
     
  14. buck8teacher

    buck8teacher Devotee

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    Lyn,

    Read the book as well. Guys often think its better to just disappear rather than hurt our feelings and just tell us point blank they just aren't that into us. Dirty, but true. Happened with my last boyfriend.

    Also, guys typically ENJOY CHASING you. If a guy is into you, you'll know. He'll call you to ask you to do something. He'll call you to talk to you. I think technology has really done more harm than good for a lot of women-b/c anything friendly (posting on your wall, etc) can instantly be seen as something more.

    It's hard, dating. But wouldn't you rather be with someone who likes you for who you were created to be? Who just enjoys being with you? Rather than settling for something different?

    I endured two horrible match ups before meeting a really great guy the third time around. I don't know what our future holds, but I'm so glad I didn't try to make something happen with the other two b/c I was lonely or wanted to meet someone. This guy is a pure gentleman in everyway, and I enjoy spending time with him. :) After my ex broke up with me, I was devestated. But I ended up using that time productively. I got more involved in my church, trained for a marathon, strengthend friendships, and basically built a whole new, beautiful life. It sounds like you are on the way working on the website. Just keep doing things YOU like to do, and build yourself a lovely little life. Sometimes, meeting someone just happens unexpectedly. I know that I never imagined I'd connect with the guy I'm currently dating in the way I do when my friend invited me to her house for a cookout to meet a great guy friend of hers. You just never know!

    Hugs! Hang in there! I actually learned A LOT from the book, and the author's other relationship book It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken
     
  15. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Here's what you shoudl try: Get involved in activities &/or tk classes at your local college or community ctr that MOSTLY MEN DO, such as auto mechanics, martial arts, wht water rafting, mtn climbing, sky diving, fishing, maybe a photography or golf class, etc. How about some type of dance class where you'll have to be partnered up w/ various partners, such as ballroom or salsa. Get out there & have fun!

    Join a gym & go in the free weight area where all the men flock to. I'm sure they'd love to help show you how to work out on the equipment or spot you while you lift some weights.
     
  16. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    TeacherLyn-
    It seems to me that you keep going for guys who really aren't available...First there was the separated but still married guy. Now it's a widower with kids...not that a widower isn't 'available' but he isn't really footloose and fancy free either given that he is a single dad- he has to be more careful opening up his life with his 2 children as his top priorities. There are single men out there who want relationships. You're just looking in the wrong places. :sorry: The right one will come along when you least expect it. ;)
     
  17. sumnerfan

    sumnerfan Comrade

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    "The right one will come along when you least expect it."

    I couldn't agree more. I've always said the minute you stop looking is when you will find someone.
     
  18. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Time to move on........ There are LOTS of people out there......:)
     
  19. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Is there a martial arts class you can take? It'll work out a lot of negative emotions, introduce you to guys who can break boards with their heads AND teach you how to take care of yourself in a dark alley. I'm signing up for Krav Maga as soon as my raise kicks in.
     
  20. Pisces_Fish

    Pisces_Fish Fanatic

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    Ugh, TeacherLyn, how annoying that he said, "enjoy your 4th." You must have been dying for him to ask you to join it with him! I'm sorry things aren't working out for you (and many of us on the boards!)
     
  21. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Wow. I thought it was possible that he got super busy and when you said you were busy was he supposed to ask you to change your plans? Sorry, while it might be true that he isn't that into you, personally I think all of you guys are assuming an awful lot.
     
  22. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    This is what I figured out ... then, I met my husband. Truly, as soon as I started focusing on my happiness and trusted myself to be okay with being alone, a great man came into my life. And, because I knew I could be happy without him, I didn't do a lot of those mind games girls do (worrying, overthinking, making myself completely available, waiting for the phone to ring) which likely made me more appealing to my husband.
     
  23. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    :hugs: Lyn. Men are jerks. I wish I knew some stable, nice guys to send your way.

    But they're all jerks when it comes to women.
     
  24. RainStorm

    RainStorm Phenom

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    Not all men are jerks.

    There are some wonderful men out there. There are many wonderful men on our forum.

    I think this statement is very offensive. How would you feel if someone said "All women are jerks." or "All blondes are jerks." or "All teachers are jerks." etc etc etc. Men make up 49% of the human population. If almost half the world is jerks, it would really be quite sad.
     
  25. McKennaL

    McKennaL Groupie

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    Have you read that book?

    I haven't...but those who have tell me it has some real insight.
     
  26. skittleroo

    skittleroo Connoisseur

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    ahhhh, you must have somehow married him in the interim...... That is usually when you get those kind of responses!

    Sorry.....sometimes I think I need to go check my husband's pulse to make sure he still with us.

    Guys just don't think like women - they really don't. We read into everything and they read into NOTHING.
     
  27. BLHutch25

    BLHutch25 Rookie

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    As a guy, let me just say that I resemble that remark!
     
  28. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    NO, they're not.

    That's as false as saying that all women care about is a guy's looks or his bankbook.

    I must admit: it's a nice easy answer, but it's false. And incredibly offensive. I'm married to a wonderful man, and I sincerely hope that I'm not raising a "jerk."

    Are some guys jerks? Absolutely. And for each and every one that is a jerk, there's a female who deserves the same title.

    No one said that finding the right person was going to be easy. That's why it's so special when it does happen.
     
  29. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Poor choice of words/phrasing. I apologize. Let me reconstruct:

    "Men are jerks" was meant to refer to this man and this situation. I sincerely hope no one is married to a jerk/raising a jerk and I apologize if I offended anyone.

    "I wish I knew some stable/nice guys to send your way. But they're all jerks when it comes to women." Those two statements are SPECIFICALLY related to each other and to the single men I know. And they are. It's why they are single and why they will continue to be single. Poor choice of spacing.
     
  30. buck8teacher

    buck8teacher Devotee

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    So true, ALICE! :)
     
  31. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    ALL of them? Sad commentary.

    I happen to have many great men in my life. My husband is my love. I adore him. He is loving and supportive, caring and kind, is a great father.

    My dad- wow. Can't even put into words what a great family man he is. My mom and dad will celebrate 50 years of marriage next year.

    My sons- great young men.

    My male colleagues- great teachers, great friends.

    Male members here on the forums.

    Wow, open your hearts to the possibilities, ladies. You will only find 'jerks' if that is the idea you have of them- you get back what you put out into the world.
     
  32. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    My dad died 2 weeks before Kira was born, 2 years shy of his 50th anniversary. We all miss him every day.

    Most definitely not a jerk!
     
  33. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    And I'm sure he is watching over all of you. :love:
     
  34. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    wow guys, calm down! i'm sure she didn't mean every guy is a jerk. i'm sorry that my post caused so much tension and discomfort. :( Was not my intent.

    I've been busy this week and am just now checking up on my post.

    I agree with those of you who think I need to build a life of my own, alone. It's hard because I suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem issues. I also have body image issues (even when I was 150 I thought I was fat, so you can imagine how I feel now at 194)

    I've started going to the gym, went out with a girlfriend earlier today, having brunch with more girlfriends tommorrow.

    I won't lie --I am dissapointed about this guy because I really enjoyed talking to him and even if we hadn't ended up dating, I would have liked to have been friends. To get together for coffee once in awhile and to email or im once a week or so. I don't know.

    I guess you can't force it. I discussed the situation with a friend and she said she thinks he's not ready for something serious/doesn't want something serious with me or was just being a jerk and left me hanging.

    She also suggested that maybe he sees me as a "friend" and as a "friend" and not potential person he'd want to date, he didn't think it was a big deal not to show common courtesey and call me back.

    My dad said: "You're not a top priority to him and not important enough for him to remember, so move on. He's an ass but don't close doors. Just don't intiate contact with him anymore. A few months down the line, he may be in a better place and contact you. If that happens, let HIM do all the intiating and dating."
     
  35. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    I am one of those people who took the "friend" route and ended up marrying him 10 years later :) Friends are great even if they don't turn into anything romantic. Who knows? Maybe this guy has a friend he could eventually fix you up with!
     
  36. KinderESLtchr

    KinderESLtchr Rookie

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    I think that if you overanalyze everything, it is just going to make you unhappy. Try to focus on loving yourself--it's important.
     
  37. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Perfect response, "men read into NOTHING!"
     
  38. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    true, but he doesn't even seem to want to be my friend. i haven't heard from him in over a week. i've decided not to intiate anymore contact.
     
  39. Lindsnh

    Lindsnh Companion

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    me either.....I dont know your whole situation but I am 30 and single I dated a guy for 8 years (that's another story) but have been single for that past two years, no dates or anything. I went on a date last night with someone new, I am scared that I wont hear back from him...ugh....I feel your pain dating SUCKS!!!
     
  40. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    You need to get comfortable with being alone. This doesn't mean settling down and resolving to be single for the rest of your life. It means being ok with being by yourself. Once you are confident in yourself, and know that a guy does not define you, you will be able to have stronger dating relationships. Until you are comfortable with yourself, how can you expect a man to be comfortable with you?

    My advice? Go to the movies. Go by yourself. You don't need anyone else, you know this, but you need to let it sink in!
     
  41. Teaching Grace

    Teaching Grace Connoisseur

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    I definitely agree with the 'make yourself happy first' advice. I also like your dad's advice when it comes to this guy. Maybe since he's a widow, he just has hard time dating now after his wife passed away and he's not sure how to deal.

    I know that I got out of a serious relationship in college (I know not the same situation) and I started dating anyone and everyone I could. I finally realized it wasn't making me happy at all. I took a step back, stopped the dating, prayed that God would show me the way to the One. He gave pity on me and about 3 weeks later I met my husband :) It really does happen when it's supposed to.
     

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