Help! Big flight with DF...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by chebrutta, Jul 1, 2009.

  1. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2009

    The flip side, of course, is that some inlaws are phenomenal. My mother in law is a gem! When she got word that I was ill, she cried.

    Does she occasionally make me crazy? Sure, but so does my own mom. But her heart is in the right place and she's never been anything but kind to me and to all those I love.
     
  2. 3Sons

    3Sons Connoisseur

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I have awesome inlaws -- I have a blast with my wife's dad, even when he's coercing me into trying strange unlabeled foreign drinks and foods (okay, I'll admit -- especially those times). My BIL and SIL and nieces/nephew on that side are likewise cool to be around, involved in life, and tend to laugh a lot. Frankly, most of the time I like them better than my family, and while my sister's DH is okay, he tends to be waaaayyyy over-the-top interested in sports, and he's a Boston fan (I'm from NY).

    I don't have a MIL, though: she died when DW was 18. I do wish I could have met her.
     
  3. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I sent it. I'm not a very good conversationalist - especially when I get mad. I stutter and lose my train of thought very easily. He knows this and he'll be ok with an email. He's still at work... doesn't get off until 10 tonight.
     
  4. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Gives him a little time to digest the email and you a little time to 'chill'. Will you have time together this holiday weekend?
     
  5. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    No, that's my other source of contention right now. I have to work on the 4th. As my boss puts it, "You don't have a real family yet since you don't have kids."

    Actually, I had asked for last night off to spend time with SIL before she goes back to NYC. He scheduled me anyway (he does this every time I request a day off, even though I rarely do it and also do it 2 weeks ahead of time) and I didn't go in. Still don't know if I'm fired yet. Find out tomorrow morning, I guess.
     
  6. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Wow. You sure have some tough people in your life. Sorry about your jerk boss. Uh . . . I think what he said is illegal, but whatever. You have a lot on your plate right now. Hugs and prayers to you!
     
  7. Sunny Teacher

    Sunny Teacher Rookie

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    Jul 3, 2009

    Wishing you the best. Let us know if he writes back/calls.
     
  8. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Jul 3, 2009

    Cherbrutta, how did he react to the email??
     
  9. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    Jul 3, 2009

    I am going to speak for the in-laws. It takes a lot of adjustment to let a new person become the most important person in your child's life. With this new person comes another family that has different values and traditions. And, sometimes you just don't like each other. My daughter has been married over 10 years, and it is just recently that my SIL and I have gotten along. He stayed with us once without the rest of the family. I really got to know him, and liked him. I do wish my daughter had made more effort to help us get acquainted.

    What would have helped? I don't know, but it does take time.
     
  10. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    He emailed me back (I worked all day)... and while he understands where I'm coming from with regards to my family (not wanting to be like my mom, stepped on & never stood up for), he doesn't think I've given his mom a fair chance or tried to get to know her. He did say he doesn't want to go to St. Augustine either; he just doesn't know how to say no to his mom. So it looks like I will have to play the "bad guy" by not getting a job there.

    Which he may have a point... she just really rubs me the wrong way. I'd *like* to like her. But I don't.

    Blue, I have tried some things... asking her to teach me how to cook for a proper seder (I'm Catholic, he's Jewish). I go over for dinner, have them over... it's hard because she makes me feel like it's my job to sit back, listen, and have no opinions. Including a say in me and DF's life.
     
  11. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Jul 3, 2009

    Hope you can work things out.
     
  12. leighbball

    leighbball Virtuoso

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    Jul 3, 2009

    :hugs: I hope you two can work things out. I agree with the others that things will not change. I'd like to suggest not only couples therapy, but also maybe individual counseling for you to deal with this by yourself too.

    I admire you for being willing to hang in there with this crazy FMIL. My FMIL isn't the greatest, and she can be very controlling at times, but df has gotten much better and I can see that him moving in with me in the neighboring state made a big difference. I hope that you guys are able to work things out and eventually move to NC!

    But I must agree- until things get better between you and df, I'd be leary of the actual wedding.
     
  13. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    Jul 4, 2009

    I am glad to hear that you have tried to make it work. That way, you know you have done your best to make it work. If MIL can not meet you halfway, then it won't work. In fact, I try to give 100% so that there is peace in the family. We always wait until the other side makes their holiday plans before we make ours. Sometimes, we have had to change our plans at the last minute, as the "other family" decides the day before to have a brunch, etc. We just laugh and say we are flexible.
     
  14. McKennaL

    McKennaL Groupie

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    Jul 4, 2009

    Chebrutta...

    Please read Alice's words one more time (don't just say, "I've read this before") and then I will comment.


    Dear Chebrutta....

    How sad.

    (First off...I'm known for brutal honesty-but believe THAT is always better than sweeping problems under a rug)

    Your problem with your MIL is secondary (though it IS a very large one). Your MAIN problem is with your DF.And that one you can't move away from and it won't eventually die of old age.

    I, like Alice, have lived through these types of situations with dear friends...and it doesn't END!!! My one friend spent holidays (Christmas in particular) sitting around in a circle of moppy people watching the MIL open HER gifts (forget even about the eventual children). The MIL(s) in these situations ruined the marriages...but mainly the problem was with the husbands (even after the mom's death).

    Now for the brutal honesty part...and sorry, but i don't apologize for being older and SEEING these things MANY times before.

    You are young. I'm not saying you are stupid...but you are at a point in your life when the thought of a wedding and being a young bride glazes over one's eyes. (SO many women go through it...I certainly did.) And at times the thought of getting married becomes a priority over the sense of running and being alone for a bit.

    My mom used to say...and it is SO true (though something it took me YEARS to learn)...you will NEVER be treated as well, by your spouse, as when you are dating and engaged. NEVER! This is IT, sweetheart. Love matures-yes. Love changes-for sure. But if you aren't his EVERYTHING now... you aren't going to magically change into it later.

    And...sorry to throw water onto it and become politically incorrect...but OY! Throw a difference of religion and culture into the fire, and you think things are bad now? Add children who will never be raised properly (MIL's whines)...and you have a life of HELL in the brewing!!

    Have a serious rose-colored (I want to be a bride beyond all else) glasses removal. Love IS NOT enough.

    You can consider therapy...but if you are in therapy BEFORE you get married...THAT is not just a red flag.... It's a zillion red flags. If nothing else...tell him that you would want to indefinitely postpone any more wedding/marriage plans until this is straightened out. That gives you a breather....then RUN and don't look back.

    My greatest lesson in life that I've had to learn a FEW times...because I (seriously) am a love addict (it's a real thing) in recovery.... has been... "Being alone IS BETTER than being with the WRONG PERSON."

    You're young... you have time. (If I could have only had someone shake me with this reality when I was younger...but my glasses were super-glued in place and I refused to listen to ANYONE!)

    Last word... they're not wedding jitters, they're SERIOUS SERIOUS concerns. Listen well to them!!
     
  15. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 4, 2009

    Aww, McKenna! Don't apologize for being honest! Sheesh! I swear I'm a well-rounded and adjusted individual and I can handle honesty!!! :hugs:

    I do have to say, I'm not glazed over by the idea of a wedding and all that jazz. I'm not into planning and gifts and announcements. I hate being the center of attention. I'd rather buy a house than have a huge wedding. What we are planning is a long weekend at a resort with his parents, my dad, brother, and SIL. We have a little ceremony, a nice lunch, everyone has a nice getaway weekend, then we all get on with our lives. I was all for the courthouse, but he wants a little something.

    Religion isn't a problem. Kids will be raised Christian with an appreciation for their Jewish heritage; MIL knows this and (GASP) agrees. Holidays are actually pretty easy to deal with. Jewish holidays at their house; Christian holidays at my dad's; national holidays at our house.

    But it is true - he has trouble standing up to his mom when she plays the "tragic life' card. And it's always after the fact the he realizes I'm (mostly) right and then stands up to her. We talked this morning and after reading my email and understanding some of my family demons better, he has a much better idea of WHY it is so important to me that he make a stand on really important issues and not continually ask me to bend to make her happy. Things i probably should have explained when this first cropped up, but I did let it get to the crisis point by not telling him WHY it's important to me.

    It's not going to be fixed over night... but he called her after we got off the phone. Guess I'll see how that went when I go over there at 2.
     

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