Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by chebrutta, Jul 1, 2009.
Jul 3, 2009
Hope you can work things out.
I hope you two can work things out. I agree with the others that things will not change. I'd like to suggest not only couples therapy, but also maybe individual counseling for you to deal with this by yourself too.
I admire you for being willing to hang in there with this crazy FMIL. My FMIL isn't the greatest, and she can be very controlling at times, but df has gotten much better and I can see that him moving in with me in the neighboring state made a big difference. I hope that you guys are able to work things out and eventually move to NC!
But I must agree- until things get better between you and df, I'd be leary of the actual wedding.
Jul 4, 2009
I am glad to hear that you have tried to make it work. That way, you know you have done your best to make it work. If MIL can not meet you halfway, then it won't work. In fact, I try to give 100% so that there is peace in the family. We always wait until the other side makes their holiday plans before we make ours. Sometimes, we have had to change our plans at the last minute, as the "other family" decides the day before to have a brunch, etc. We just laugh and say we are flexible.
Please read Alice's words one more time (don't just say, "I've read this before") and then I will comment.
(First off...I'm known for brutal honesty-but believe THAT is always better than sweeping problems under a rug)
Your problem with your MIL is secondary (though it IS a very large one). Your MAIN problem is with your DF.And that one you can't move away from and it won't eventually die of old age.
I, like Alice, have lived through these types of situations with dear friends...and it doesn't END!!! My one friend spent holidays (Christmas in particular) sitting around in a circle of moppy people watching the MIL open HER gifts (forget even about the eventual children). The MIL(s) in these situations ruined the marriages...but mainly the problem was with the husbands (even after the mom's death).
Now for the brutal honesty part...and sorry, but i don't apologize for being older and SEEING these things MANY times before.
You are young. I'm not saying you are stupid...but you are at a point in your life when the thought of a wedding and being a young bride glazes over one's eyes. (SO many women go through it...I certainly did.) And at times the thought of getting married becomes a priority over the sense of running and being alone for a bit.
My mom used to say...and it is SO true (though something it took me YEARS to learn)...you will NEVER be treated as well, by your spouse, as when you are dating and engaged. NEVER! This is IT, sweetheart. Love matures-yes. Love changes-for sure. But if you aren't his EVERYTHING now... you aren't going to magically change into it later.
And...sorry to throw water onto it and become politically incorrect...but OY! Throw a difference of religion and culture into the fire, and you think things are bad now? Add children who will never be raised properly (MIL's whines)...and you have a life of HELL in the brewing!!
Have a serious rose-colored (I want to be a bride beyond all else) glasses removal. Love IS NOT enough.
You can consider therapy...but if you are in therapy BEFORE you get married...THAT is not just a red flag.... It's a zillion red flags. If nothing else...tell him that you would want to indefinitely postpone any more wedding/marriage plans until this is straightened out. That gives you a breather....then RUN and don't look back.
My greatest lesson in life that I've had to learn a FEW times...because I (seriously) am a love addict (it's a real thing) in recovery.... has been... "Being alone IS BETTER than being with the WRONG PERSON."
You're young... you have time. (If I could have only had someone shake me with this reality when I was younger...but my glasses were super-glued in place and I refused to listen to ANYONE!)
Last word... they're not wedding jitters, they're SERIOUS SERIOUS concerns. Listen well to them!!
Aww, McKenna! Don't apologize for being honest! Sheesh! I swear I'm a well-rounded and adjusted individual and I can handle honesty!!!
I do have to say, I'm not glazed over by the idea of a wedding and all that jazz. I'm not into planning and gifts and announcements. I hate being the center of attention. I'd rather buy a house than have a huge wedding. What we are planning is a long weekend at a resort with his parents, my dad, brother, and SIL. We have a little ceremony, a nice lunch, everyone has a nice getaway weekend, then we all get on with our lives. I was all for the courthouse, but he wants a little something.
Religion isn't a problem. Kids will be raised Christian with an appreciation for their Jewish heritage; MIL knows this and (GASP) agrees. Holidays are actually pretty easy to deal with. Jewish holidays at their house; Christian holidays at my dad's; national holidays at our house.
But it is true - he has trouble standing up to his mom when she plays the "tragic life' card. And it's always after the fact the he realizes I'm (mostly) right and then stands up to her. We talked this morning and after reading my email and understanding some of my family demons better, he has a much better idea of WHY it is so important to me that he make a stand on really important issues and not continually ask me to bend to make her happy. Things i probably should have explained when this first cropped up, but I did let it get to the crisis point by not telling him WHY it's important to me.
It's not going to be fixed over night... but he called her after we got off the phone. Guess I'll see how that went when I go over there at 2.
Jul 5, 2009
How did it go?
Jul 7, 2009
It was good. She never mentioned moving or jobs and seemed to go out of her way to be nice. Spent most of the hour discussing genetic testing for me and DF.
With the utmost respect it seems like you are saying 2 contradictory things.
He does stand up for me - but not when she throws out the "You're the only child I have left" card.
In my humble view, he either stands up for you or he doesn't. If he only stands up for you when she doesn't use her "card", he is not standing up for you. Basically it sounds like he only stands up for you when it is on something that doesn't matter to his mother. That means he ISN'T standing up for you!
What really irks me is that he knows *just* how much I hate the Florida weather and how much the humidity affects me (depression-wise). He *knows* it would be much healthier for me to live somewhere cooler and drier. And he was gung-ho and excited about it... until she pulled out the guilt card.
This isn't going to change - I would definately put all wedding plans on hold until this is sorted out or you end the relationship.
Why is MIL discussing genetic testing for YOU???
I hope that you and your fiance and future mother-in-law will be able to sit down and discuss the issues rather than pretend that they do not exist. All the best chebrutta!
I had the opposite situation. My MIL was super nice b/f the wedding and makes me absolutely crazy now. However, I do have his stepmom that I love! My point is that your soon to be MIL is on her BEST behavior now, as is your DF.
I've been married twice and the most important lesson I learned is that people do not change, the biggest change they make is from coke to diet coke.
I agree with one of the other posters therapy b/f marriage isn't just a red flag--its a lot of red flags!
Canuck - yes, I can see that it seems that way. When his mother is encroaching on subjects I don't want to discuss/are none of her business, he tells her to be quiet. If she won't stop harping, we leave. Even though they are small things comparatively, to her, we should do/think everything the same as her. The subject of moving is the only one that brings the "card" out.
bonneb - The subject of grandkids came up watching the neighbor's GK play outside. His mother has a mortal fear that our children will have DMD (which is understandable). She has a certain amount of guilt on the subject. I just explained that it isn't possible for DF to pass the gene on, but I will be getting tested to see if I am a carrier for DMD. If I am a carrier, we've already made the decision to adopt rather than face a 50% chance that a son would have DMD.
My mom had the same problems with my grandma. I'm just now beginning to understand a) why we moved to FL and b) how hard it was for her each summer we spent in PA.
Hi! I am probably not the one to comment on MIL's- read my thread about my special one just a few days ago in this forum. But you definitely need to work everything out before getting married (probably before even setting a date). MIL's can make your life hell and can cause big big problems in your life.
You are in my prayers and I hope things work out.
:lol: :lol: :lol: TB - you could make a fortune selling this on bumper stickers :lol: :lol: :lol:
Chebrutta - as someone who has been married 24 years and counting, you NEED your husband behind and supporting you whether your MIL plays the "card" or not. As time goes by, the "card" will get bigger, be displayed more often and create even more trouble for you than if does now. As a mom, I can't even imagine making my living child feel guilty for living - this just makes no sense to me. But what makes even less sense to me is that the rest of the family allows this to happen. I agree with others, your DF must support you 100% not just when it is easy.
Thank you for all of the kind words, well-wishes, and good advice!
It'll be a work-in-progress from here on out. He laid it down to her that we're not moving to SA, but knowing her, the subject will continue to pop up.
I'm going to work on not let her get under my skin the way she does (and my own case of foot-in-mouth syndrome) and he's going to work putting his (my, our, however you want to define it) happiness & well-being before hers.
At least until she turns 80 and has to move in with us :lol:
This last weekend my daughter came home from a date. She announced to me while helping dry dishes that she and her serious-boyfriend/almost fiancee have made a decision that if any of the parents move in with them-it'll be me that they take in.
HAHAHAHA! Gee thanks... my future rickety body thanks you!
YEARS ago my now-ex and I had bought our final home. It was quite big...but we announced to our parents that we would be adding a guest suite on over the garage for....... (we KNEW that our intention was that should one parent be left alone that we would ask them to live with us...but how do you tell vibrant adults that).
Our parents looked at us and all said... "WTH??????? Are you NUTS???? why would you do THAT??????" Obviously they either didn't think it out-or wouldn't admit that they understood where our thoughts were headed.
:lol: Conversation 1 year ago with Dad:
Me: You need to be nice to DF.
Me: Because. I know you prefer Brother over me and would rather live with him, but if you seriously think that he & SIL won't just stick you in a retirement home where someone'll check on you every 6 hours and maybe let you play shuffle board once a week, you're nuts. Me and DF'll be the ones taking care of you when you're all old and feeble-like and can't fetch your own beer.
Dad: (pause) I'll be nice as long as I get my own bathroom.
Oh Lordy, I need a job. I'm gonna need a BIG house in 20 years.
Everytime we are watching tv and see something about nursing home abuse...I turn to my daughter and she says... "MOM! I KNOW!"
Me: No you Don't know! I'm going to have altzhiemer's...and though I do apologize ALREADY for the comments that will come out of my mouth (oooo, am I going to offend people with the comments I know bite my tongue instead of letting slip through MY lips)... you have got to save me from weird people who might get their jollies out of doing things to me.
Sheeesh...I worry myself so much!
Jul 8, 2009
My mother has dementia, and lives in foster care. I tried to have her live with me--after one week I knew it would not work. She spent the night here last week, and I hurt my back helping her get out of the chair. It is hard making decisions for your parents. Ask them NOW what they want for their last few years. My father wanted to be at home for his passing. I am so happy that I was able to accomodate his wish. I quit my job, and moved 300 miles, but he got his wish. Life if tough.
I'm sorry if it seemed that I was making light of the situation. Though I laugh, I know it's a serious issue. My grandmother had altzheimer's, so the threat of me getting that eventually IS a real worry. And though I joke.. I DO worry about the stories I hear about folks in "homes". Yet I ALSO know that my grandmother needed extra attention that could not have been given to her by her children.
SHE had chosen the home she would go to. She had always said- when my time comes- take me to Bethesda. But I also remember the weekend they moved her there. She was really angry. She thought that she was going to be abandoned. At the beginning she wanted to be "out" all the time. Visit the family, stay over night at their homes....but the more time went on the more...THAT was her home and those were her friends. She woud continually ask about "when were they taking her home? could they take her back NOW?"
They took good care of her. And she was happy.
We got to know different nurses and care-providers...some we requested more often for her...and a few we requested not deal with her. Some things were joked about (one old woman down the hall mysteriously had lost items appear and find a home in her room...a brush, a picture, a plant-had to watch more closely when they started to find my grandmother's glasses) but other things were more of a concern (bruises and fears).
Though I laugh about my daughter and her boyfriend "adopting" me...I feel a bit of reassurance that they have discussed it and it's not an issue for them (at this point). I love that young man (she and he have had a thing since they met in band in the 5th grade). He and I speak freely and, I believe, have a great relationship.
You are right. DO talk to parents in advance. Though my grandmother was upset at first...we were POSITIVE that we were following HER wishes in choosing Bethesda.
Oh, Blue. It is so hard to make those decisions. My dad and I have talked about it - he doesn't want to go into a home as long as he has his wits about him. There's some bad feelings there over his sister putting my grandma in a retirement community when she didn't really want to go.
It would be his preference to live with my brother instead... but my brother's already told me in no uncertain terms Dad living with him is not an option. So Dad and I have an understanding. He's 66 and slowing down but still going. Now if I could just get him to get a darn hearing aid already, he's be in much better shape and I wouldn't worry so much!