Help! Big flight with DF...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by chebrutta, Jul 1, 2009.

  1. KinderMissN

    KinderMissN Companion

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    Jul 1, 2009

    I agree STG, I love my MIL and I can't call her mom. She's not my mom, and we're okay with that. I call her and my FIL by their first names.

    I hope some counseling can help you sort it out. Maybe it could become a family session, she probably needs to see some of the stress it is putting on your relationship with DF. It is very tragic that she lost her son, I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. But, she has to understand that the other son is a grown man and is seeking to have a family of his own, and needs to act in the interest of his new family, and not necessarily his mother's.
     
  2. MrsHoot

    MrsHoot Comrade

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    Jul 1, 2009

    Goodness gracious, I feel for you!!

    My mom's MIL (my grandma) is like that. She has always sort of pitted against my mom and used to come up with these conspiracy theories that my mom brainwashed us to hate her, etc.etc. My parents lived in VA (because that's the only place where my Dad could do his job) and my gparents were in California. So that made things a little easier for my mom. However, my dad never really stood up against his mom for her and it just made things not good between my parents.

    I agree to do counseling and to think very carefully. I would HATE HATE HATE a controlling MIL like that and if your DF refuses to take your side.... there are going to be major issues IMO. When you are married, you come first. NOT his mother. YOU are THE WOMAN in his life from then on and you need to make sure that he puts you first.

    I think you just need to lay it on the line for DF. He needs to realize that he isn't always going to be able to please both of you and that YOU need to come FIRST and live your own lives. It is nice to be around family... but not when they are so controlling!

    My MIL is nice. She's quirky and I like her. BUT she is very Christian and really pushes it on everyone (IMO). My sister in law is Atheist and she tries to send home bible stories, etc. on the sly to their kids. My sister in law doesn't appreciate it and it causes tension between them. I don't feel comfortable sometimes and I've stopped going to church with them when they ask. I have certain beliefs but I don't need things pushed on me and I can make my own decisions. Off topic.

    We live 9 hours away from both sets of parents. I like it that way for the most part. I would eventually like my parents to come move closer to me when we have kids =), which they may do because they are not huge fans of Iowa.

    COuples counseling would be good- because he or she could give you insight on how to deal with MIL and maybe even be a mediator to his Mom and explain things to her as well?

    Sorry this is such a sucky situation!
     
  3. BLHutch25

    BLHutch25 Rookie

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    Jul 1, 2009

    I can only echo what others have said. During my first marriage, my in-laws were VERY intrusive and frequently said all sorts of horrible things about me to my wife. She always took their side and never stood up for me. That is a large part of why she has been my ex-wife for a few years! I thought that when we got married, things would be better. They were worse. We divorced after 5 years. They lived about five miles away from us, so they were constantly around.

    Now that I've remarried, my in-laws live 3 states away. That is a welcome change!
     
  4. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 1, 2009

    Thank you for all of the responses. I feel slightly better. My SIL is in town and she took my out for delicious frothy adult drinks served with large chunks of pineapples.

    He does stand up for me - but not when she throws out the "You're the only child I have left" card. And yes, he does have survivor's guilt and I do think he needs counseling for it. I avoid talking with her as much as possible, but every two months or so I have to give in.

    Alice - I'm not sure so much that it's so much that everything will be about her as a person. I think she's relieved in a way - like she doesn't have to compete with my mom. But I have a mom - even if she's passed - and no one's taking her place. No matter how much they encourage me to think of them as my mom or want me to call them mom. God. The delivery room. If I ever have kids, is there a way to BAR her from the room? Because that's my vision of hell right there. Satan's got nothing on that woman.

    I'd bring her to therapy... but she and DF were IN therapy when he was younger. She pulled them out when the therapist suggested that her total focus on BIL and indifference to DF were the source of his issues.

    What really irks me is that he knows *just* how much I hate the Florida weather and how much the humidity affects me (depression-wise). He *knows* it would be much healthier for me to live somewhere cooler and drier. And he was gung-ho and excited about it... until she pulled out the guilt card. The guilt card, it annoys me. I don't pull that crap on my dad, telling him he's not allowed to go to PA every summer because he's the only parent I have left.

    So... I'll insist on therapy as soon as it's feasible for us, but in the meantime... I do need to call him. I'll certainly apologize for screaming, refuse St. Augustine... and tell him to cut the apron strings and see what happens?
     
  5. Rebel1

    Rebel1 Connoisseur

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    Jul 1, 2009

    OMG! DO you really love this guy enough to put up with his mother? IT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE SO BETTER GET USED TO IT B4 you get married. You should just SERIOUSLY bring it up to him that he's going to marry you SO MIL will have to go! If his reaction is still the same as b4 THEN you need to make the decision IF it is going to be worth it. Marriage will not change anything that is going on right now. You'll be stuck in the middle of CHAOS and worse, you can't just UP and leave. It's going to be a STRESSFUL LIFE!:(
    Good luck and make the right choice.
    Rebel1
     
  6. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Jul 1, 2009

    I agree with everyone above. Marriage is a huge decision!!! If you marry this guy, you will also be "marrying" his mom. Talk to him, tell him how you feel in a calm cool voice, and have a discussion as to where you both see yourselves in the future.
     
  7. kimrandy1

    kimrandy1 Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009


    My mil isn't half a bad as the one the op wrote about, but we have some of the same issues as you're writing about, Alice. Holidays are huge. She dictates how they are going to be, regardless of my wishes, my family's wishes, etc. I had a nice picnic at a Vineyard planned for DH for father's day, already bought the $70 tickets...when she decided to throw a brunch. She didn't decide this until the Friday before the holiday. And dh told me he'd rather go to the brunch. I told him that he's wasting his only gift (the picnic) and he was ok with it, rather than make his mom mad.

    Our Disney trip happens to coincide with mil/fil's wedding anniversary. DH really considered not going because he'd miss their anniversary dinner. We're going.

    I have had to learn to put my foot down. That means that sometimes, I do things (with my own kids) that I want to, but he goes and does what his mom wants. I think that makes her even angrier -because, really, once grandkids are in the picture, that's who she wants to see - but it works for me.
    Kim
     
  8. Sunny Teacher

    Sunny Teacher Rookie

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Have you been able to talk to your DF yet?
     
  9. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Actually, I composed an email. A very long email. It included a family history and how I don't want to be like my mom - stepped on by her MIL and my dad refusing to stand up for her.

    It may also have included an ultimatum. That if he can't stand up to his mom on this, we can't move forward.
     
  10. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I read your original post, but not really the other posters, so excuse me if I'm repetitive. :)

    How sad & wrong for his mom to toss him in the corner so to speak, while she gave all her attn to his bro. :( In a way, sounds like your DF is a tiny bit a momma's boy, but then I know it has more to do w/ her wanting to be close only because he's all she has left. I strongly believe that if his bro was still alive, the mom would keep devoting all her time & attn to him & wouldn't care what your DF did or where he moved nearly as much, which actually would have been a lot more pleasant for YOU!

    He may have stood up to her a few times, but obviously not strongly enough. It's up to the son to alleve the situation btwn his wife & mother. Hopefully counselilng helps, but he needs to tell her to butt out & you two just go ahead & do what you want, move where you want, etc. because after so long, her guilt trips, crying, begging, etc. gets old.

    Life is way too short to have to deal w/ this. You & your DF have to seriously talk about whether you want to be happy together & start a new chapter of your life as a happily married couple OR is it going to be a marriage of frustration & misery because he allows his mom to keep butting in.

    If I were you, I'd want to move FAR, FAR away so you only have to see her once, hopefully just twice a year.

    But, this whole marriage won't work if your DF doesn't put his foot down much harder & stronger. He's given into his mom all this time. If he wants to get married, YOU become the most important person in his life. It would be a shame if you're always playing 2nd fiddle while he keeps putting his mother on this pedestal.

    Maybe you should give him an ultimatum that if things w/ his mom don't get better, you're seriously going to consider ending this engagement. How long have the two of you been together?

    Good luck & I hope it works out!
     
  11. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I just read this thread. Oh, sweetie, you're in such a tight place and I feel for you! My family had a tough time letting go of me emotionally when I moved away (I had always been the family homebody), but they support my decision constantly.

    I cannot fathom being where you are with your fiance refusing to be the one who "leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife" (I don't dive for my bible to quote verse often). Please know we're here for you!
     
  12. flyingmickey

    flyingmickey Rookie

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    Jul 2, 2009

    You will need a husband who always puts you and your future kids first no matter what his mother says. He needs a backbone.

    I'm lucky that my MIL is wonderful and he has never needed to do anything. It's my own family that's crazy and when it was getting more crazy he took a stand that was the best for me. I am always first. You need to be as well.

    You may love him but it's at a cost. How much are you willing to pay?
     
  13. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I broke up with my previous fiance in part because of his mother. I've never made a better decision. She only spoke Thai around me, lied to the relatives about me, manipulated us with money, etc. My mom was truly fearful she would kidnap our children when we had them and take them back to Thailand with her. That is NOT something I want to worry about.

    My current MIL is pretty great, but she has her quirks. It's gotten worse since we got married, simply because she's more comfortable with me and doesn't hold back anything. In one weekend, she sprayed my shoes and told me they smell terrible, told me to put away my laptop and not bring it back out because it was too loud, tried to badmouth my parents for not giving us money for a downpayment like they were and chided me for not eating certain things at dinner. But it's tolerable. If she were trying to pit dh against me, I would NOT be able to handle that.
     
  14. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2009

    How far is he from you? (I think you said he's in a different town/location now for work?)...Emails can be tricky because of implied tone. Did you send the email or are you sitting on it for a while? I'm just wondering if this might be better 'in person' or at least followed up with a phone call or face-to-face with him. This could potentially be the 'watershed moment' of your relationship. Either things are going to change for the better or as you said it could be a matter of not being able to 'move forward'. I'm wishing you the best, chebrutta.
     
  15. Kindergarten31

    Kindergarten31 Cohort

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    Jul 2, 2009

    And people wonder why it has never bothered me that my husband's parents had died long before we married.
     

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