Having expectations....a bad thing?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out Archives' started by Starivy, Dec 3, 2006.

  1. Starivy

    Starivy Companion

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    Am I crazy? I just had a long talk with my husband and realized how many expectations that I carry around with me. It's like I have everything planned in my head, just the way I expect it and if anything goes awry from it, I get concerned,annoyed or plain angry. Is anyone else like this? Am I crazy? I have expectations about EVERYTHING....down to how my husband should behave with his friends. For example, he had a friend over and they were playing video games and being very noisy. I started getting annoyed because for some reason I don't feel like a husband who is married should be playing video games and acting wild and crazy with his friend in our house. I don't know why but I also just associate video games as being childish, a teenager thing, or something guys do when they are single. And then for some reason, I get really dissapointed and further start thinking about what will happen when we bring a baby into our family. If he acts this way, it will be completely unacceptable. Well we talked and he thought it was ludicris that I would even think that he would be playing video games and having friends over when there is ababy to be taken care of. So I felt better but what is up with having all thesee expectations?? Should one get rid of all expectations? If so, what do you replace them with? And how do you get rid of them? They are driving me crazy!!!!!
     
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  3. 101dalmatian

    101dalmatian Companion

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    I used to be the same way. I had everything planned and expectations on how everything should happen. I would become very agitated or down right mean if things didn't go as expected. Then one day I was given a huge life lesson and discovered that having expectations for the petty things in life was not worth getting upset over when they did not go according to plan. I learned to let the expectations for little things to go, such has a husband interacting w/ his friends or how a meeting or a party should be. For me it was a control issue, I taught myself over time to give up trying control those things I cannot control.

    It's good to have expectations, but try not to be so disappointed when they don't work out.

    On a side note, my first husband played video games all the time and it drove me absolutely nuts!!! My husband now, knows how much I hate video games that when I bought him a PSP he thought I was cheating on him:p (of course I wasn't).
     
  4. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    We all have expectations about how the world works. Having said that, experience will certainly start to teach you that you aren't in control. Keep in mind that it is okay to have expectations, but that people are unique individuals and they have a pesky way of having their own expectations and ideals. Some things aren't worth worrying about. Only you can decide what that is. In the long run though you can't MAKE someone conform to your ideals (though we certainly wish :rolleyes: ). You have to learn to live with a fair amount of messy conflicts. Our hubbies have expectations too! Some are not fair either.

    My hubby is a gamer junkie too. I used to literally take the CDs away and hide them until he would talk to me. He got smart and made duplicates. Now I know that's not a good way to handle my irritations and problems I may have with him. Now I learn to live with a gamer, but he has learned that at times I need more from him too. It's a compromise.

    Someone once told me, all emotions are valid and okay to have. It's what you do with them that can present a problem. Marriage will follow that adage constantly. You should be open and honest about your feelings with your husband but realize that you can't change everything. So pick your battles.

    Have you ever read the email that pokes fun at the difference between having that first, second and third child? That's what marriage is like. At first we have high expectations. Over time we weed out what is really important to us and our spouse. Its a give and take.
     
  5. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Great advice, Deafinlysmart. I think this definitely relates to control. Before meds for depression, I had a strong urge to control others, a fanatical need to be 'on time', etc. Now I don't. Keep in mind that expectations are inevitable, but that others will have different expectations. You cannot expect others to know what yours are unless you communicate them and they communicate back their interpretation. Then you can find common ground, hopefully.
     
  6. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Dec 4, 2006

    Having expectations is not a bad thing- it's the way you react when things don't go according to plan that's the problem. You speak of your husband being childish for playing video games with a friend. Consider that your reaction might also be considered childish. Part of relationships of all kinds is accepting people for who they are. They don't always fit your mold of who or what you think they should be. Weigh the good with the bad. Communicate. Accept.
     
  7. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    My bf and I had the video game fight for years. I finally realized I could either give up and accept it, or keep having the same argument for the rest of our lives.
    Now I look at it this way- it's his time to unwind at the end of the day. He doesn't complain that I come home and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls- it's the same kind of thing.
     
  8. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Inside every man is a little boy. It's ok. Let your husband have his fun. We all need some time to hang with friends and just be silly. It's about how he treats you that really matters. If you don't ease up on these expectations he might feel like he can never live up to them and that is where trouble will start. Don't worry.
     
  9. Raising3boys

    Raising3boys Companion

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    You have been given excellent advice. I am married to a wondeful man who is a "game freak" as I like to say. We have three boys together and he put it into perspective for me one day. Our boys are 11, 15 and 9 months. Our older boys play with him and they bond. As he plays, he talks to them and interacts. This is level field for them all. I feel lucky that I always know where "ALL" of my boys are on a Friday night ( including my teenager and husband)!
     
  10. Starivy

    Starivy Companion

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    Just want to say thanks for all the advice. Sometimes I am really stubborn about things, which IS childish. I don't always use my brain and go with my feelings. I keep relapsing thinking that I can control people. It of course only ends up frustrating me and is unrealistic. I can only control myself. So I decided that when I find myself about to react over an un fullfilled expectation I have, I need to calmly say how I feel and communicate with whoever to come to some kind of understanding. I think that this is def. going to improve my relationship with my husband. As you can tell I am not the best at communication. Much thanks!!!
     
  11. musicbean

    musicbean Rookie

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    Dec 5, 2006

    video games

    My DH is not an extreme "gamer" like some others, but he does like to play to unwind at the end of the day. It used to drive me crazy, especially if I wanted to spend time with him. After arguing about this issue, I decided that if he is a good husband, helps around the house, is loving and attentive, and generally a good guy, then this is an issue that I could let go. If your husband is/does those things, maybe this is something to let go for you too.
     
  12. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Dec 5, 2006

    MissFrizzle,

    I love the way you think...... All men .... even us older guys ... have a certain amount of "little boy" in them.

    Major Hunt :)
     
  13. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    My husband has taught me a thing or two I'd say;)
     
  14. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    I think having some expectations is always good, but you never want to have too many or else that sets someone up for disapointment and arguements. I think having expectations about certain things is necessary as well, but if you have expectations about everything in life it will drive a person batty. My husband plays video games and I honestly do not mind at all. Why should I? He enjoys them, it's his destressor, and he plays them either after I go to bed or when I am not home. It hasn't taken over my husband so I see no need to getting worked up over something so minor.

    This reminds me of my sister in law. We all went to Canada as a family one year. She had so many expectations that never happend. In the end, she had a terrible time. I felt sorry for her, in a way, because she never enjoyed herself, but at the same time she is the one who put set herself up for disapointment and she was the only one who never had a good time because of it. She needs to loosen up and be realistic, but she's not.
     
  15. katerina03

    katerina03 Devotee

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    My husband says I am a control freak, though I like to think it's just my high expectations. Being a control freak is something I'm learning to "get over" thanks to being a teacher with a 100+ students.
     
  16. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Doesn't life have a way of teaching us the things we most need to learn??
     
  17. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Isn't that the truth!
     
  18. Starivy

    Starivy Companion

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    Dec 9, 2006

    Ladies, sorry I wrote a few of you PMs regarding the expectation and gaming thing. I was at my wits end last night. I tried to lose expectations but I need help! I always try to control myself, aware of what I say but last night I ended up getting so mad!!! So please if you get the PM, can you read it and respond? Thank you!!!!!=)
     
  19. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Starivy

    You aren't going to change yourself over night. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. This has to work both ways, your husband and yourself have to make couple time. Why not sit down, and really have a heart to heart. Counseling is another option.
     
  20. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    Starivy, I PM'd you back. I think you should talk to him. I agree with Frizz. You can't take a backseat to a hobbie. There has to be a mutual ground.
     
  21. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    I also pm'd you back:love:
     
  22. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Starivy,

    Hope things are better. :)
     
  23. wldywall

    wldywall Connoisseur

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    Dec 16, 2006

    I just wanted to let you know that I used to feel the same way when my husband would play with his video games. Well I know now that for me being childish and playing video games is a stress relief for him. I started to play WITH him, and guess what? I find times when a little one person shooter game does relieve stress, especially when you are annoyed with someone :D. I think you and your hubbie can find a way to make it together time, try it you might like it on the dark side....hehehe

    As for having kids and the games, once we had kids the thing would go unused for days if the kids needed him......he could handle it and I bet your hubbie can to.
     
  24. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    There ya go wldywall- If you can't beat em, join em:angel:
     

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