Guy Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Maithal, Dec 11, 2010.

  1. Maithal

    Maithal Cohort

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    Dec 11, 2010

    Hi Everyone!
    I started dating a really great guy 2 months ago. He treats me well. I saw him last minute Thursday for awhile. He's a nurse and works night shift part time. Randomly, I asked him about working New Year's Eve, and he said he may work that day or New Year's Day, but if not, he's going out with the guys as he always does. I know he hasn't seen them since Thanksgiving as they live out of state (1 state away) so I didn't say anything because I know he doesn't like needy girls. I don't want to come across that way. He's mentioned that he cannot stand needy girls.

    However, since then I've been thinking about this a LOT. In fact I have a pit in my tummy thinking about it. I am bummed he didn't want to hang out with me on New Years. Idk, what to do.

    Would you say something if you were me?

    I always look for plans on New Years and most of the time am without plans and home alone because most of my friends are busy (already with plans) or don't want to go out. Am I making a big deal out of this?

    TIA!
     
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  3. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Dec 11, 2010

    Wow, you'd think he'd want to spend his first holidays w/ his NEW GF & not some buddies. What did you two do on Thanksgiving? What are you two doing for Christmas? I'm glad my BF doesn't really have any friends as do I, so there's no guys' nights out that I have to put up with. He does see his brothers occasionally though. Not that my BF needs my permission to do things, but most of the time, he's given me a heads up of what he was planning to do (NOT on holidays, but ordinary days) OR he'd ask, "You don't mind if I do this do you?"

    Does he have friends that live closeby as well or all they ALL out of state? I don't think that just because you want to spend holidays with your BF that that's considered needy. I think guys use that as an excuse to say that about women because they really want to do their own thing half or most of the time.

    I know it's still a new relationship where a couple desn't have to spend all the holidays together just yet...my BF did though! If I were you, I'd probably mention something, especially if you didn't spend Thanksgiving or won't be spending Christmas together.
     
  4. DallasTeacher

    DallasTeacher Companion

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    Dec 11, 2010

    Several issues can be happening and unfortunately only time will tell. First please realize that dating two months is not a long time. Guys are wired differently than we gals, especially if his background doesn't include strong family holiday traditions. I've witnessed this first hand with not only my 4 sons, but also many of their friends. To many of them spending holidays with a "new" girlfriend sends a signal they are more serious than they might really be at that point. Hope that makes sense. It could also be as innocent as your bf has made plans to spend time with his friends. Not knowing more about your relationship, it could also mean he is trying to gently pull away. Who does most of the calling? Establishing dates? etc.

    From the time my sons were born, we have been spending NYE in CO. Not one invited casual girlfriends to go, although when the relationship turned more towards my sons thinking of marriage, I was asked to invite them. HTH

    I've edited to add (after reading your message) that if a relationship is to last, you need to feel to be yourself. If you have a need to say something, don't feel you will be called needy. They are your feelings and if someone is the "one" they will both honor and respect your feelings.
     
  5. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Dec 11, 2010

    You have only been dating for two months. As Dallas said, men may take longer to look at a relationship as serious. Look at it this way; he has given you plenty of notice that he has plans. You have plenty of time to make your own plans now with your friends.
     
  6. Unbeknownst

    Unbeknownst Cohort

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    Dec 11, 2010

    As a dude, I say give him some space. It'll work out better in the long run.

    Get a group of your girlfriends together to hang out with for the new year :) Call each other right before the new year hits. It'll be a blast.
     
  7. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Dec 11, 2010

    Guys aren't that complicated. He doesn't know if he's working yet...that happens with some hospital jobs...if he didn't pick up on the idea that you might want to spend new years with him, then plan some other fun for yourself...if he was free and wanted to spend the night with you,he'd let you know.:sorry:
     
  8. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Dec 11, 2010

    I wouldn't think anything about it.
     
  9. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Dec 11, 2010

    Are you trying to not ACT needy, but you really do like to be more involved/connected/needed/wanted by a guy? If so, that is a big red flag.

    As for NYE, sounds like you aren't part of his plans. After two months of dating, it wouldn't hurt my feelings.

    It sounds like his group of buddies are important to him. Is that something you can handle? Are you expecting to someday be able to hang with him and his friends? Are you expecting that he will eventually give up his friends (or see them less) because he has you? Be careful there ... some guys aren't willing to make that change for a woman.

    My husband does guys night about once a month. Sometimes I go out with some coworkers, sometimes I take advantage of an empty house and some down time. I've never had a "pit in my tummy" about it ... my husband enjoys his guys night.

    Check with some of your friends for NYE. If nothing comes together, get a good book or some good movies, grab a bottle of wine, make a bubble bath ...
     
  10. paperheart

    paperheart Groupie

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    Dec 11, 2010

    I was thinking the same thing.

    He may be a great guy but not a great guy for you. Have you talked much about what each of you is looking for? Just from the small amount of info it sounds like he may want to date casually and may not be looking for a full-time companion right now. It sounds like you are looking for someone to put 100% into the relationship just like you. If you are ultimately looking for a marriage/serious relationship, I guess I disagree with the other responses that there is nothing to worry over. After two months, he should want to spend new years with you if he is thinking of you as a likely relationship.

    You mentioned you saw him last minute. Is this is norm? If he doesn't set up dates in advance, be wary of that. I would personally be busy the next time he calls upon you last minute.

    If your tummy is aching, don't ignore.

    As a point of reference, I have been dating my guy for two months, we havent had the committment conversation yet but we are both crazy about each other and everyone regards us that way so we basically are "together". We both want the same thing: a serious, long term relationship. We have a plan for new years--it was more or less assumed we would be together (with his friends too...my good friend is going on a meditation retreat for nye.)

    Sorry to be more negative than everyone else, but I have been in your shoes before--giving 100% and getting 10%--and my intuition was always right yet I stayed around hopeful it wasnt and driving myself thinking about whether I should be feeling disappointed he bailed on my birthday or didn't call back for 6 days etc.
     
  11. Maithal

    Maithal Cohort

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    Dec 12, 2010

    Thanks everyone! I agree with many of you, that 2 months of dating doesn't mean that we have to spend every holiday together, and we don't. He went home (to see his family and friends, 1 state away) for Thanksgiving (which isn't a big holiday for me anyway, strange to say for many of you who celebrate it big) and Christmas he was planning to visit family/friends but ended up stuck working Christmas Eve & Day.

    I spoke to him online as I was getting ready for a work holiday party and he was busy getting ready for work (night shift), and he said he wasn't mad when I told him how I felt, and that he just casually mentioned his NYE plans but that nothing was set in stone. He also said that about Christmas Eve & Day working and how he was gonna try to get out of it. He then said it's good to know that I wanted to be together NYE and he'd think about it knowing that I wanted to be together, but couldn't make any promises.

    I think part of why he said that was b/c if he gets out of working Christmas Eve or Day he may have to work NYE and he's also not a planner by any means like I tend to be and I think he's not really looking that far in advance.

    Some of you may think I might be making excuses for him, but I truly believe he cares for me because if we don't talk everday (esp when he has to work or had exams to prep for) he'll at least text me a couple times and then we talk other days. We don't normally see each other last minute but see each other at least 1 time a week and talk and/or text everday. I don't feel we have to see each other everyday, and our different schedules (him working nights, having to sleep during day) makes it hard. He did say one time that he talks to me a lot and was gonna add me to his 5 friends for free through his cell plan. When I did come over Thursday, I said I only wanted to stay a short time, but he told me to stay longer. So, that says something.

    I know guys are wired differently. They don't always plan ahead as I said before nor do they understand that holidays are big for woman wanting to be with their significant other. He was the one who said let's be official (not me) so I don't see this as casual. He also said once that although he wouldn't say he loved me just yet (cause he doesn't just say that) we are still super serious. So, knowing him I still think things are early. If he brushes me off totally, I'd question things. He does show he cares in many regards though. When I leave his apartment late at night and am so tired he talks to me all the way home (don't stay at his place since I live with my parents), which is sweet.

    So, I guess I have to be patient, and it was good that he said he wasn't mad and at least he knows how much I want to hang out NYE. Our relationship is still kinda early. We only met Oct. 11th and officially started dating Nov. 5th. So, things are still kinda new. Plus, he hardly sees his out of state friends (or any for that matter).
     
  12. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Dec 12, 2010

    Two Months is a short time
    He may have had these plans before he met you.
    He probably told his friends that if he wasn't working he'd be celebrate with them. You are asking him to change his plans and ignore his friends? He has probably known them longer that he has known you.
    Compliment him on his loyalty to his friends (I am sure you like a man with loyalty?) Heck, he may decide to ask you after your next date.

    Maithal I see you have had time to think about it ...... Very good you now sound like a good catch for this guy. Before YOU were sounding a little needy


     
  13. Maithal

    Maithal Cohort

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    Dec 12, 2010


    Thanks IrishDave! That was so nice of you to say. I really do believe this guy is a great guy, but there are some small things I'm learning about him that I don't care for. Well, we can't like everything about a guy (even the one who's our bf) can we?

    I have to be patient, and that's what I'm trying to do. At least he doesn't totally forget about me the days he works at night. So, that's a good thing...he texts at least.
     

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