"Have you ever been in the mafia?" (I'm not proud of my response, but the kids laughed and it did wonders for my classroom management with this class) "I could tell you that, but then I'd have to kill you."
It really only got awkward when the regular teacher (I was a sub) asked me at the end of the year, "So... why does my 8th hour think you're in the mafia?"
Concerning my former car, as we were heading out to recess, walking past the teacher parking lot. "Teacher, which are is yours?" "That one". "Teacher, you really should get another car." "Can I come mow your lawn for money?" "Teacher! I know who made the world. Jesus Christ did. God helped too, but I don't know his last name."
When I announced my pregnancy, one of my students came up to me the following day, and said with a know-it-all attitude: "You and your husband kissed a lot until you got pregnant!" Gee, I can only wonder what questions the parents got and what they answered with!
I had one today in a summer school government class... "Were you teaching during the Convention of 1968?" (I'm in my 30s).
We get migrant kids every spring for a few years. One day coming out of the computer lab one went the wrong way and a student began to yell. "MISS LANE, Jesus went the wrong way!!!!!!
I keep track of this stuff so get ready for this super long post.... it's dated so I remember where I was working at the time. Towards the bottom (earlier dates), the quotes are from the kids i nannied. Note: at some schools, teachers went by first names (Ms Sarah) and at others, it was last names (Ms H). Also, most are funny, but some are just super sweet that I wrote down to remember ------------- (April 2016) Me: "There has been way too much tattling going on lately" 4yo: "And that drives you nuts! (January 2016) 5yo Boy: "Ms Sarah, what's your husband's name?" Me: "Phil" Him: "That's a very cute name" (December 2015) 3yo: "Ms Sarah, I farted again" Me: "Okay.. that's not something you need to tell me" Her: "Okay, I tell grandma" (October 2015) 5yo boy inspecting my IDs (I have 2): "This is when you looked cute, and this is when you looked cute" (May 2015) Told my kids I was moving today. Some were sad, one of them burst into tears, & another asked, "Are you going to live with your boyfriend and play?" (Afternoon. Before going outside) 5-year-old: "How come you don't put on sunscreen?" Me: "uhh I do.. I just put it on in the morning.. and I don't really burn so..." Her: "Because you're already black?" (I was super tan at the time) Wise words from a 5-year-old: "You have to be careful with your words when you're in college or kindergarten because not everyone will get your jokes and you can get in trouble" "It's not Mrs! It's Ms! Ms! She's not married!" "Yeah, if she was married, she would be. .. old!" (April 2015) I have this 5-year-old girl in my class who wore a Frozen sweatshirt over her uniform every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY first semester, but she hasn't worn it in a couple months. I asked her about it and she said she gave it away. I was like "whaaaat, your favorite sweater?!" And she said, "I gave it to someone who doesn't have any sweaters" We were talking about rainbows and I asked them what rainbows are. -"It's a bunch of colors" -"It's a big half circle" -"It only comes out after it rains" -"It's a sign from God that He's keeping His Promise" (March 2015) "I don't need a man!" Me: "What's my favorite animal?!" Children: "Penguins!!" Me: "Yeah I have 3 in my car & like 10 at home" Girl: "Oh my gosh! How did you catch them?!" So we have a new kid in our class who likes to do his own thing... whenever he doesn't listen to me, the other kids look shocked. Today he gave me some lip and my sweet angels got so defensive of me. Here are some of the things they said: "You need to listen to the teacher" "You can't talk like that to the teacher! That's having a bad attitude!" "Don't bother her! She is working" (January 2015) 5yoA: "When I grow up and get a girlfriend, I have to drive my mom's car because I don't have a car!" 5yoB: "You have save money and buy your own car! I want a Lamborghini when I grow up. Blue and green" 5yoC: "I want a convertible!" 5yoD: "I want to be a kid forever!" 5yoE: "Me too!" Me: "Me too. I want to be a kid again" 5yoE: "Why?" Me: "it's more fun being a kid!" 5yoC: "Yeah we have the easy life!" 5yoE: "You have a hard life!" 5yoC: "You have to wake up every morning and go to work!" 5yoE: "No. Not every day!" 5yoC: "Yes she does! Every day!" 5yoE: "Poor Ms H" My girls were talking about their food babies after lunch and one of them asked if I had a baby in my tummy. I said no, and she said, "but your tummy is bigging" 5-year-old: "What are you doing tomorrow? You have to work?" Me: "Yeeaahhh" Her: "Poor Ms H" (December 2014) I had a 4-year-old I babysit try to recruit me today: "You should come work at my school, Avery Coonley! You want to?" (November 2014) Me: "Who celebrated the first thanksgiving?" 5yo: "Pilgrims!!" Me: "Aaand...?" 5yo: "Turkeys!" A: "Guess what happened to my daddy!" B: "What?" A: "His great grandpa got runned over by a car!" B: "And then what happened?" A; "He got runned over" B: "No, no. What happened after he got runned over?" A: "He was FLAT!" (September 2014) "My daddy used to work at a store called sexy lips and that's where he met my mommy!" Hilarious conversation outside between my coworker and a little girl in her class. The answer we were looking for was 'Teacher'. MsV: "What am I?" 4yo: "the mama kitty" MsV: "no, what am I in the classroom in school?" 4yo: "the mama kitty" MsV: "What is ms R and me in Pre-K1?" 4yo: "the mama kitty and daddy kitty" MsV: "..ok.. what is ms H in Pre-K 2?" 4yo: "the sister kitty" (Friday afternoon during water break outside) 4-year-old: "I have to tell you something. Too much sitting is not good for you" Me: " I know. You told me this like two minutes ago" Him: "Then why are you still sitting?" (August 2014) "God lives in your heart and you live in His heart, right?!" Our new kindergarten teacher came into my class to observe for an hour, and one of the kids said, "I know you! My mom facebooked you!!!" (July 2014) 4-year-old (Pulls out chair): "Ms H! You're very tired. Sit down!" Me: "Oh you are the sweetest!" Her: "Well you do many things for us!" Kid1: "The lightning hit the spiky thing on the church! I saw it on the news!" Kid2: "Does that mean God is dead?!" (June 2014) Had a good laugh today listening to my kids debate about whether the book on the whiteboard ledge was called "Diary of a Worm" .. or "Diarrhea of a Worm". One of them insisted on the latter and that "diary" is not a word. Another one came up to me to ask what diarrhea was. (Young Tods class walks by our window) Me: "Aww look there's my baby!" All the kids: "You have a baby? What's her name? Is she a good baby? Does she live in your house? (Etc)" 5-year-old: "If that's your baby, then why is she light?" Helped one of my girls change her shirt & as soon as I turned it right side out, she grabbed it and said, "Thank you, Ms H, you can go watch the other kids now!" !! 5-year-old: "I'm wearing Elsa & Anna underwear! I love it so much; I was looking at it all day!" 4-yr-old: "I have to go poo poo!" "Uh then go" Her: "I never learned how to wipe!" "What?!" Her: "I can only do it like this" (demonstrates) So we 'practiced' and then she went and came out and said "I did it!" And then today, she was like "hey Ms H, remember the wiping lesson?" 4-year-old (to me): "I like your ears, they're so cute!" (May 2014) "Ms H! I want a hug because today's my last day! When I hug you again later, I'll never let go!" Parent to child: "Why don't you hug your friends goodbye?" Her: "Ms H!" (Runs to me / Hugs) Parent: "You want to say bye to your friends or just Ms H?" Her: "Just Ms H" Me: "Why do you think giraffes have spots?" Best answer: "Because they want to look like giraffes" 4yo: "Ms H, do you have a baby in your tummy?" Me: "Uh what? Why? Does it look like I do?" 4yo: "Yeah" (April 2014) 4yo Girl: "I was born in downtown Naperville, and my brother was born in 7-11" 5yo Girl: "My sister's feet are stinky all the time so Mommy got baby powder for her feet so they don't smell anymore" Today we introduced the kids to coins and started by asking if they knew who Abraham Lincoln was. These were their responses: "A man!" "The coolest guy on earth!" "Uh.. Jesus?" Boy: "I know what ducks eat! Fish!" Me: "They'll eat bread and crackers if you throw it to them" Boy: "It won't make them sick? ("No") Can they eat olive oil?" Girl1: "Look, a worm!" Girl2: "Leave him alone, he wants privacy" Girl: "I like crayons because they don't leak through the paper" Boy: "Well I like markers" Girl: "Crayons are made from wax! Feel it" Boy: "I'm still gonna use markers" Girl: "Well I'm going to use wax!" 5yo: "I'm going to get glasses for my birthday!" Me: "What? You can only get glasses if your eyes are bad!" Her (quietly): "I know! I'm going to trick Santa!" So a parent told me today she tried to explain the real meaning behind Easter to her daughter (4yo). And apparently Daughter got so mad that "the bad guys hurt my Jesus", she wanted to "punch them in their butts" - 3 kids singing Wrecking Ball - "I cleaned up! True story!" - "Listen to me! Listen! Okay, let me rephrase that!" - "When you die, your body goes in the ground but your soul goes up to heaven!" - "Come back here, this is no time for running games!" "God is everywhere, even in our hearts" "He's everywhere because we love him!" "I learned at church that we can't see God, but he can see everything!" "Ms H! You smell like rainbow bubble bath!" Kid1: "Ms H! My grandma is going to die soon!" Me: "Oh no!" Kid1: "It's okay! She's going to Jesus and then she's coming back!" Me: "Oh..... " Kid 2: "No! When you go to Jesus, you don't come back! You just stay in heaven, right, Ms H?" Kid1: "Well my grandma's coming back!" (March 2014) 4-year-old (in the dramatic play center): "...you need to lock the doors or else we'll have to reduce the staff!" 4-year-old: "My poop smells like lion poop now" 4-year-old Girl: "Ms H, why are you not married yet?" Me: "Because nobody's asked me" Her: "Why not?!" Me: "I don't know!" 4-year-old Boy: "Girls pick who they want to marry and then the boys ask them" (February 2014) Girl: "I'm not married to [boy] anymore. He always want to do you-know-what" Me: "What?! What???" Her: "You know... copy me! He always copies me!" Same girl: "I want to be a teacher when I grow up" Me: "I can see that" Her: "But teachers don't make a lot of money" Me: "And how do you know that?!" Her: "My sister told me" Me: "And how does she know?" Her: "She's 7" (7-year-olds know everything apparently) When one of the kids asked why we had to wait to go to another classroom, our almost-5-year-old replied, "Because we have to be in ratio! If there's too many kids, that's bad, and you get in trouble!" Kid1: "My sister is going to a pawn shop in Las Vegas!" Me: "Wait.. the one that's on tv?" Kid1: "Yeah!!" Kid 2: "Pawn Stars! Pawn Stars!" Me: "You guys watch Pawn Stars?!?!" Kids 1 & 2: "Yeah!" Didn't realize 4- & 5-year-olds watched Pawn Stars.... "Ms H, did you get married?!" "No...." "Then why are you wearing a ring?" Guess I can't wear rings without children thinking I'm married. "Ms H! One time, my grandpa got a fork stuck in his throat and he choked and then he died!" Not sure how true that is but I am now scared of forks. Times sure have changed: "What are some ways you can communicate with someone who does not live in your house?" (I was thinking like.. writing letters or calling, but here are the answers I got instead from my kids) "Facetime on your iPad" "Texting on your phone" "Email" While 5-year-old is singing "Let It Go" Her 3-year-old sister: "Mommy, when do I get my magical powers?" Their mom: "Uhh, when you hit puberty" 3-year-old: "Hey Ms Sarah, when your mommy goes out to dinner, does Sarah come over to play with you?" Yesterday I painted my nails. My mom said the color I picked out was "an old lady color", so she picked out a different one more suited for young people (so she said..) Well today, one of my kids exclaimed, "Ms H! I like your nails! That's the same color my Granny has!" WHAT?! (January 2014) Girl: "My daddy wants to have a braid conversation with you" Me: "A what? Why?" Her: "Because he doesn't know how to braid hair" Me: "And why doesn't he talk to mommy? I know she can braid hair. I've seen it!" Her: "Well he still wants to talk to you because you do it better!" (Babysitting) Me: "Keep doing that and I'm going home" 4-year-old: "You better not ruin mommy's date night!" (Later) Me: "Okay. I'm going home then" Her: "You can't! Mommy and daddy already left!" Me: "Well, I guess you'll have to babysit Z" Her: "I can't.. I'm a kid. I can't babysit a child" 4-year-old: "When I'm 5 and married, I'm moving out! I'm going to live with my husband!" 4-year-old: "You don't even know Santa's name!" Me: "Yes, I do, it's Santa!" Her: "Well you don't know his last name!" Me: "Santa's last name is Claus!" Her: "Well you don't know his elves' names!" 4-yr-old: "Here's some artificial syrup!" Me: "Artificial?! Where did you learn that word?!" Her: "I'm smart!" (December 2013) 4-year-old: "This is poisonous milk!" TA: "Where do you get poisonous milk?" 4-year-old: "From poisonous cows" Me: "What is this?" 4-year-old: "Uh, I don't know" Me: "It's a CUBE" Her: "Cube!! Like my mommy's car!" (Her mom drives a Nissan Cube) On the bus to Loaves & Fishes, I pointed out random places that I thought the kids would know, including Costco. One of them yelled out, "That's where Santa gets all his toys!" 4-yr-old: "Ms H... you know Les Mis?" Me: "Yeah...?" Her: "Let's talk about it" 4-year-old Kid 1: "Ms H, are you old?" Me: "... Yes. I'm very old" Kid 2: "No, she's not! She's new! She's not a mommy yet!" (November 2013) (Talking about family trees) 4-year-old: "Um, we don't have a family tree, we have a family house!" 4-year-old goes into the bathroom & comes right back out: "Ms H! There's pee pees in both toilets!" (ie., somebody (two somebodies) forgot to flush) Little 4-year-old girl in the dramatic play area: "Here's the beer! I LOVE beer!" (Accidentally got some bleach water on my face) 4-year-old: ".... Are you okay?" Me: "Yup. It was just a little bit. No worries" (She runs off and announces to the other kids): "You guys! Ms H got chemicals on her face!!" (Other kids go completely silent and stare at me) Me: "uhh, I'm fine. It was just a little bit. I'm not going to die" 4-year-old: "Yes, you are!" (This is what I get for exaggerating how bad bleach water is and why they should never touch it) Me: "Can you tell me a word that rhymes with ear?" 4-year-old (without any hesitation): "Beer!" Co-Teacher: "I need a nap" 4-yr-old 1: "Uh, teachers don't nap" 4-yr-old 2: "You can't! You have to work!" (October 2013) Me: "Did you guys know that milk comes from cows?" 4-year-old: "Yeah, and chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows!" 4-year-old Kid 1: "Hey hey! It flew away into the sky!" Me: "I wish I could fly" Kid 2: "You can't. You need a fairy to help you fly" Me: "Oh. Where do I get one of those?" Kid 3: "At the fairy store" Me: "Where's the fairy store?" Kid 3: "Costco" 4-yr-old: "Why were you late today?" Me: "Because-" Her: "Because you wanted to look so beautiful today?" (September 2013) 4-year-old: "I'm tired" Me: "What time do you go to bed?" Her: "8:30" Me: "When do you wake up?" Her: "Umm, after 8:30. I think 8:31" 4-year-old: "Do you have any children?" Me : "No" Her: "So you just have a husband?" "No.." "You don't have a husband?!?!" "I have. . Somebody" "You have a boyfriend?" "Yes.." "He asked you? He said, 'Ms H, you want to be my girlfriend'?" 4-year-old: "Ms H, how old are you?" Me: "Guess. How old do I look?" (She started out with 6 years old. The others joined in. Highest they guessed was 24 and lowest was 6) Me: "Okay, I'm just going to tell you. I'm 25" Them: ..... Me: ..... Them: "....You're really old" 4-year-old (in the Dramatic Play area): "This is my son, this is my sister, and this is my honey!" (August 2013) 4-year-old: "You want to play sharks?" Me: "How do you play that?" Her: "I pretend I'm fourteen-years-old and I work for shark doctors. We live on this baby boat and the mother boat. You have to be careful because the ocean is slick. Then I prepare to die when I'm twenty-years-old" (July 2013) Me: "You want to be a flower girl in my wedding?" 4-year-old: ".. You're going to have a wedding?" Me: "Yeah, do you want to be my flower girl?" Her: "I don't know.. we have to talk about it" 4-year-old: "You forgot to shave your underarms?" Me: "uhhh what??!" Her: "I see some black things!" (May 2013) (5-year-olds) Kid 1: “Ms Sarah, it’s your birthday!" Me: “It is?! How old am I?" Kid 2: “36!" Kid 3: “40.. are you in your 40s?" (I’m 25. Adults think I’m a teenager, children think I’m middle-aged. I never win) 4-year-old: “That’s from (Boy)’s birthday party" Me: “Oh your boyfriend? " Her: “Yup" Me: “You guys getting married? " Her: “We haven’t decided yet. I want to see who else wants to marry me too" (April 2013) Angry 4-year-old: “Ms Sawah, you awe evil!" My 4-year-olds during outside time: Boy 1 runs over and hands me a flower. Boy 2 runs over and hands me two flowers. Boy 3 runs over and says, “Can I have your flowers?" Me: "…No…" Boy 3, “We can trade" *hands me a weed* Parent during pick-up time: “So, I gotta ask you ladies… how many bottles of liquor do you go through every night??" 4-year-old: “Ms. Sarah, if you leave this school, I will die" Me: “What about Ms. (my co-teacher)?" 4-year-old: “Oh. She can leave" (5-year-olds) Boy: “When I go to Chuck E Cheese tomorrow I’m going to get a ring for [Girl]!" Me: " Aww that’s so cute! You going to propose to [Girl]?" Boy: “Sure am!" Girl: “You don’t know what I’m going to say! I might say no! And girls get 2 rings! Boys get one" 4-yr-old: “Ms Sarah, I like you. I miss you when you’re gone. I want to take you home with me everyday!" (March 2013) There is nothing sweeter than a 2-year-old you haven’t seen in a year patting you & saying, “this my best friend!" as if she actually remembers me from when she was a 1-year-old! 5-year-old girlfriend/boyfriend having a fight: Boy: “I’m not gonna marry you anymore!!" Girl: “Well, I’m not gonna marry you too!" This started as a wrestling/tickling match and ended with the girl in tears (really) with lots of verbal fighting inbetween (February 2013) 4-yr-old: “Ms Sarah! Ms Sarah! This is you!!" Me: “Oh, you’re drawing me?" 4-yr-old: “Yes! And now you’re getting smushed on these prickly spikes and you get filled with poison and then your head falls off!" (January 2013) Good advice from a 4-year-old: "If you don’t exercise, your tummy will get big!" 4-yr-old: “Can you, um, write on my daily sheet that, um, I went poopoo on the potty today?" 4-yr-old: “My tummy hurts!" Me: “Oh no!" 4-yr-old: “My mommy said I can’t eat too much cheese because it upsets my tummy and hurts my poophole" 4-yr-old: “Are you going to be our teacher today?" Me: “I’m going to be your teacher everyday!" 4-yr-old (to her friends): “Ms Sarah’s going to be our teacher forever because she doesn’t want to be with the babies anymore!" 2-year-old: “My home is on the Earth!" (I am switching classrooms (from 2’s to Pre-K)) Me: “You’re going to get a new teacher!" 2-Year-old: “And a new mommy!" Me: “ummm… No.." (Although, in his defense, he may have been confused because his mom just got engaged. He was getting a new daddy!) (December 2012) Me: “What does a dentist do?" 2-year-old: “Fix your teeth!" Me: “And what about doctors?" 2-year-old: “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!" Teacher: “What month is it? When does Santa come?" 2-year-old: “In 2 minutes!" (November 2012) Teacher: “Should you pet a strange dog or should you wait to meet its owner??" 2-year-old: “Cows" 2-year-old: “I don’t have a hole in my butt!" 2-year-old: “I have a bone-bone!" Teacher: “and L for… KeLLLsey" Kelsey: “Hey! My name no start with L!" (October 2012) (2-Year-Old Girl farts) Boy: “K is making noises!" Girl: “That was my butt talking!" Me: “You need to sit down when you’re eating" 2-year-old: “I’m farting" (2-Year-Old poking/patting my left boob) Him: “What’s this, Sawah? What’s this?" Me: “Ummm.. your mommy has them too.." Him: “Baby in there?" Teacher: “What does a dentist do?" 2-Year-Old: “Fix!" Teacher: “Fix what?" 2-Year-Old: “My face!" (September 2012) Me: “Do we put food in our nose? Where does food go?" 2-yr-old: “Tarah, Tarah! In the mouth! And then go in the tummy and then in the diaper!" (July 2012) 2-Yr-Old holding up plastic/toy French Fries: “Look, it’s a muffin!" Me: “That’s not a muffin, what is it?" 2: “Apple Pie! (January 2012) A (2.5-year-old): “Sarah, you have a baby?" Me: “No" A: “No no, at your house!" Me: “There’s no baby at my house" A: “You have a baby growing in your tummy?" Me: “No…" A: “Oh. Too bad" Me: “We should clean up; Mama doesn’t want to see a messy house" A: “We can trick her! We can take her to the library and put her in there!" Me: “I don’t think so… she knows how to get home" A: “We can put her in my carseat! She can’t get out of there! A: “Zachy’s fussin’ cuz he wants mama. Mama went to work, Zach. It’s okay, Sarah’s here! Sarah’s not workin’!! (Funny because I'm their nanny, so technically, I am working!) (December 2011) I read that clowns are universally disliked by children, so I asked A if she liked clowns & this was her response: “Um yes, I do, but not too much" A: “I want to get married to Sarah!" Me: “Oh that’s sweet but I want to get married to Phil" A: “You can’t! He has no married clothes!" Me: “He can buy them" A: “He can’t! He has no money!!" Me: “Yes he does. He has money" A: “So he can buy married clothes at Target?" Me: “Yup, you want him to come play with you sometime?" A: “Yeah! I want to play dress up with Phil!" Me: “Oh he LOVES to play dress up!" A (very skeptical! Sometimes I forget she’s 2): "…He does?" About half an hour later A: “Does he like to play marbles? I can show him to roll them, not throw them!" Me: “He loves to play with marbles!" A: “Is he a little kid or a big kid?" Me: “He’s bigger than me" A: “No no! You’re a grown up!" Me: He’s a grown up too" A: “No no! He’s a bigger kid. Not a grown up" Hours & hours later, completely out of nowhere A: “I WANT HIM TO COME PLAY WITH MY DORA CASTLE!!" Me: “Why aren’t you using your spoon?" A: “It’s too tricky!" "I’mma go get my babies, okay? Don’t swipe them cuz you’re not Swiper, okay?!" (November 2011) Everyday, A tells me she wants to be a grown up so she can get married and then asks me if I’m a grown up & if I’m getting married… except today. Today, she asked, “Sarah, you have a baby in your tummy?" (October 2011) A: “I want to be grown up and get married" S: “Oh, me too!" A: “Aren’t you grown up?" S: “Yeah.. so I should get married, huh?" A: “Yeah" Me: “How old are you?" A: “2 & a half" Me: “How old am I?" A: “2 & a half" Me: “How old is Mommy?" A: “2 & a half" Me: “How old is Baby Brother?" A: “2 & a half"
Gosh, I hear so much funny stuff that I swear I won't forget, but here I am, and I have drawn a blank. I need to make a list next year.
That's why I started making a list! The 2-year-old (now going into 2nd grade!) I used to nanny was hilarious so that's when I started making a list and I just kept it going when I went to work in daycare and then later private pre-k and this year in Head Start (although the things those kids say are more sad than funny. For example, one of them told me she wanted to be a police officer when she grew up so she could get her daddy out of jail. At first thought, it was funny and I smiled .. and then I realized how sad that really was. These poor kids. So I don't have as many funny quotes from this past year!)
Reviewing for a test on Native Americans with 8th grade. Asked "what did the tribes of the Pacific Northwest make their houses out of?" 8th grader - "SALMON!" I was in tears.
My favorite was when I overheard a special ed kid (probably 7 or 8 years old) ask the school secretary,"Why do you look like a clown"? She wore a LOT of make up so I often wondered that myself Another kid would ask all the teachers to marry him.
One day I had a student sitting right next to me during silent reading because they were having some trouble with behavior. The student was sitting at our computer table, and I had my chair right next to the table. I looked over and the student had one of the sets of computer headphones on with the plug end going into their chapter book, reading away. I had a really hard time not disrupting silent reading myself laughing.
I just remembered a conversation I had with one of my first graders in my first field experience. The school had a lot of Hispanic students, and one girl tried to throw me off by speaking Spanish... except I knew just enough to respond in Spanish. Me: Why aren't you working on writing? Her: No tengo un lapiz! (I don't have a pencil!) Me: *finds a pencil in her pencil box and holds it up.* Qué es esto? (What is this?) Her: ...un lapiz... (...a pencil...) Me: WRITE. She just laughed at me and started writing. I've since been told by students, "Miss M, you sound weird when you speak Spanish."
One of our spirit days at school is "fashion disaster day" where we all dress mismatched. The day after spirit day I commented to my class in the morning, "Don't we all look nice today. We aren't disasters anymore!" One of my grade 2s said, "Uhh, you kind of still are." Surprised I said, "Why do you say that?" A different student piped up, "Your hair is really pouffy". I was in the middle of a lesson on polar bears with my grade 1 class. We were measuring strings to show the lengths of actual polar bears. I was standing on a desk with the piece of string touching the ceiling to show my students how tall an adult, male polar bear is. They were all in awe, and then from the front row I heard, "I have pink nail polish at home and it's sparkly." One of my grade 1s asked me if I knew how to fix a snow blower. I told him I didn't have one. He asked, "Why not?" Another student chimed in, "Because she doesn't have a husband! Remember, she's not married!" And one more - one of my sweet grade 1s asked me," Do you live in a house with a dad and kids?"
Well, I am a sub, sort of a new "career" (I worked in accounting all my professional life and then started subbing after retirement) So, I am usually the oldest teacher in whatever school I go to, except for the lady who works with the hearing impaired student. She is older than I am, but not much. So, anyway, last year had a second-grader look at me with what I call the "Whoopie Goldberg look" (from Jumpin' Jack flash) and say, in a voice full of concern, "boy, you are REALLY old"! Another student looked at my "chicken neck" and asked, :"What's that"? I told him it was from eating too much chicken. The kiddo said, "I am NEVER going to eat that much chicken!!" One day I told the students to hurry and get in line for lunch quietly, or I might just be sad, and that they wouldn't want to see that. A student immediately piped up and said, "Yes we would". One thing a student said in one of the first grade classes was not really funny, but very thought provoking. I sometimes (it there is time at the end of the day) let the kids ask any questions they want, and try to answer them. One day a little boy asked me, "If you are paralyzed from head to toe, do your eyeballs move"? I still think about this and wonder what made this child ask such an intense question.
This is one of my favorite memories of last year, one I'll never forget! I taught 8th grade ELA last year. After spending weeks on writing essays and prepping my students for the English essay portion of their state tests, I could tell that the kids were burned out and needed to do something more fun. Being a Titanic history nerd, I decided the create a Titanic unit and taught reading and narrative writing skills using Titanic literature. The kids loved it! I created this unit in time for the anniversary of the sinking, so on April 14, I decided to create stations in which the students had to analyze original photographs, newspaper advertisements, articles, and survivor tales. One station required the students to create a card for either the survivors or the victims' families. Everything was going well. The kids were engaged and having fun on their last day of learning about the Titanic. In the middle of rotating stations, I had a student come up to me with a look of horror on her face. She handed me the card she had made and said, "Miss P! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to! I couldn't remember how to spell the word 'happened,' so I wrote something else." Thinking the worst, I opened the card and saw this beautiful message: "I'm sorry for your trauma and loss. I heard what went down, and I'm sorry." I laughed so hard I cried. (And, yes! I'm keeping the card!)
My favorite thing a child ever said to me was: Miss McGrath! My vagina is telling me its time to go potty! (She was 4)
Here's my favorite one. The bell rang, and I walked into class, shut the door, and turned around and said, "Good morning lovelies!" One of my students looked up from his bell ringer and said, "That wasn't very nice!" Confused along with most of the class, "What wasn't nice?" Him: "What you just said." Me: "Telling you good morning lovelies?" Him: "Ohhhhh, I thought you said 'Good morning uglies!" 7th grade!
Every year my husband comes to meet my students. I guess to identify with the names that he hears so much about. Well after one of his visits, I ran into a parent who said that her daughter came home and very excitedly announced, "Momma, Mrs. E has a husband and his name is Mr. E." :lol:
One of my sorority sisters in college told me she believed in Santa Claus until she was 14 or so and that her (at the time) 15-year-old sister still believed in him! I don't understand it; do her friends play along?! How do you still believe in fictional characters well into your teens?
After school one year I would keep one of my former students until his mom was done teaching at her school. It was about 30 minutes or so not long. Well one day I had several other boys in my room. (they were all going home with the student that I watched) They were hungry so I made them several bags of popcorn. One of the spilled some on the floor. The young man that I watched everyday told them to clean up the popcorn so I wouldn't get mad. So the little started eating the popcorn off the floor. Everyone was mortified that he was eating it off the floor. He says "thats ok I am a bottom feeder anyway"
My middle son recently had too much Coke on a car trip and started channeling Stephen Wright speaking with the energy of a young Robin Williams. I can't possibly do his retelling of various fairy tales justice, but during his rant he mentioned : "I used to think that LA means 'the' so the sport lacrosse should just be 'the cross' and I also thought people who call that basketball player 'LeBron James' are just being obnoxious "
I told a kid to get off his phone. He looked at me with a straight face and said, “But Mr. G, I wasn’t sitting on it...” I couldn’t hold back a smirk because it was whitty. He put it away and I let the comment slide.
I don’t consider it funny, but some of my students seem to love getting a rise out of me by making sexual innuendo toward or around me. It’s pretty bad when you become desensitized to their buffoonery. They don’t think it’s funny when I get their parents and the administration involved, but some of them (juniors and seniors) keep testing the waters. It sucks being an adult that looks like a teenager in their mid-teens... I’m 26, for goodness sakes! Innuendo aside, there was an incident where a student kept throwing things in class and I told him not to. He looked me straight in the eyes, dropped said projectile on the floor, and started kicking it around the room. I burst out laughing because he said that he wasn’t throwing things and therefore complying with the rule. He actually helped me because I have since modified my rule to “no projectiles (thrown, kicked, flicked, swatted, etc.)” instead of “no throwing things.”
Funniest thing I have ever had a kid say wasn't to me exactly. He had missed a rather simple spelling word, while we were correcting he realized it. He announced rather loudly to the class, "G*dd*mm*t, Obama, thanks a lot!" Wouldn't be much, but coming out of a third grader's mouth had me cracking a rib while telling him not to swear in class.
This just reminded me of something one of my 2nd graders said last year. We were reading something and I was explaining the word “disorderly.” This kid says, “my desk is d**n disorderly!” And I’m trying so hard not to laugh at his correct but quite inappropriate use of our new vocabulary word. I just said, “yes, but we don’t say that word at school.” While inwardly laughing.
So my first pre-internship observation of my CT's classes: CT: John, stop touching Jose. John: I didn't touch him! CT: You just poked him, I saw you. John: Technically I didn't touch him because atoms are polar and can't actually touch. I had to try so hard not to laugh. John and I got along great LOL. Doing a KWL chart before a 60's themed unit, I realized just how little of history my students grasped. "Did they have electricity, cars, school? Were there dinosaurs?" The close-to-retirement aged para just about died trying not to facepalm. "Stevie Wonder was born immature." Well, aren't we all? We had the kids come up with their own EGBDF pneumonic instead of Every Good Boy Does Fine and got one starting with, "Every Ginormous Booty," . . . it didn't end well.
