friend?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by jenn888, Jun 11, 2014.

  1. jenn888

    jenn888 Rookie

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    Jun 11, 2014

    Mostly a vent...but I gotta get it out! Please excuse the length. Just hoping someone can relate.

    I have a friend and co-worker who seems to drain me mentally. We have both taught at our school for a while, but got put on the same grade level this past year and started hanging out. We both are single with no children, which is uncommon for my school. At first everything was fine and she was fun to hang out with.

    To start she has a very dysfunctional family. I get along with my family and love them very much, so it's hard for me to relate to her weekly family drama. I do listen and give advice as best as I can though. From observation she brings lots of this family drama on herself.

    The first example of how she got mad was on a teacher workday. A few of us had dinner after school. We all met at the restaurant, and we decided to go inside and get a table. She hadn't arrived yet, but when she got there she pouted and said it was rude for us to go in without her. It's not like we ordered food without her we just wanted to go inside and get a freaking table! She is also one of those people that if you aren't available for her at that moment she just says "just forget it", or "never mind" and storms out. Then throws the guilt trip on later.


    She likes to find things wrong with my house. For example, "your pictures are crooked" or "there is a spot on your rug". Ok, she knows I am a bit of a neat freak, so I'm not sure if she's trying to get a reaction out of me. She has never invited me to her house b/c she said "I wouldn't approve" because she is not neat. Then why are you trying to find stupid stuff wrong with my house?!

    Today was just my breaking point. She needs some work done to her home, and asked me if I knew anyone that could do it. I didn't, but I was nice enough to search Yelp for some places with good reviews. Every time I named one she shot it down. She ended up calling one she found and they didn't show up:rofl: (sorry I had to) Then she got mad at me because I didn't invite her to come to my house while the work was being done....that didn't end up happening.

    We are grown adults here....or at least I am. :tired: She drains the life out of me, and puts me in a bad mood. It's not like I can just ease away from the friendship because we work together not to mention the fact that she is so tumultuous.
     
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  3. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Jun 11, 2014

    You can ease the social relationship by just not inviting her places quite as often and gradually decreasing the time you spend with her outside of school.

    Summer is a great time to ease off. If she invites you places, just tell her you have other plans. Spend lots of time with your family and doing other things that she can't be involved with.
     
  4. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Jun 11, 2014

    I have a friend from whom I am gradually severing ties. While I care about her, she is just too draining; I can't listen to the same complaints all the time when she won't take any action to make things better.

    Good luck.
     
  5. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Jun 11, 2014

    Life is short. It can be very good, very bad, or simply non eventful. Drop her (and anyone like her) and strive to live the good life......... :)
     
  6. jenn888

    jenn888 Rookie

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    Jun 11, 2014


    This person is the same way!!
     
  7. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 11, 2014

    What is this, high school?! She seems quite self-centered, immature, & short-tempered. Is she the baby of her family in which she's used to everyone doting on her?

    Well, you can either do one of two things:

    1) Gradually ease up on the friendship until you don't see her at all or very rarely outside of work.

    - or -

    2) If you know that she's capable of being a fun & pleasant person to be around & you want to continue the friendship, have a talk with her. Tell her you noticed that she's more "on edge" lately. Actually the real word would be bitchy, but you'll be nicer than that. See what she has to say. If it's more family drama than usual that's on her mind, then she'll have to learn to handle the stress a whole lot better so she's not making everyone around her miserable & tell her how difficult she is to be around when that happens.

    Hopefully, she'll improve. Personally, I wouldn't want to be bothered with her anymore.
     
  8. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Jun 12, 2014

    Do we know the same person?
     
  9. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 12, 2014

    friendships like a bank...friends "withdraw"(take/needs stuff from you whether it's a sounding board, a ride, a favor, shoulder to cry on, etc) and they make "deposits"(do things for you that you need). When i have a friend that makes large withdraws and tiny deposits, i don't consider them a friend. I think you need to slowly withdraw, especially over the summer. Reduce contact, and don't engage. Let her become an associate and coworker, not a friend.

    Some people get off on drama and unhappiness. Before i got married, i had a friend similar to yours. She was always fighting with her other friends and having relationship drama (which she seemed to bring on herself). When my life was going poorly, she LOVED being around me.

    When my life started to turn around (ie: i got engaged, started to lose weight, began grad school) she stopped returning my calls.

    Things came to a head when I got married. She came to the wedding and I hugged her, told her I missed her and to call me because i wanted to get together.

    Her response was 'sure' then that night she decided to text me about what a terrible person I was because I didn't hang out with her as much (keep in mind she lived over an hour away and always wanted me to drive to see her and never wanted to drive here) and she was done with me.

    At that time, I was dealing with A LOT(which she knew about because i still would text her 1 - 2 times a week even though she was unresponsive or would give brief answers) including the heart ache of my grandmother's rapidly deteriorating condition that resulted in her death.

    My friend pretty much told me she didn't give a sh-- and she was done with me, our friendship was over and I could kiss her a-- and I didn't deserve the $25 gift card she gave me for my wedding.

    My response? "Okay, have a good night. I'm turning my phone off."

    She emailed me two months later and said we had both made mistakes and lets be friends again. I never responded and i can honestly say I am relieved she is out of my life. I don't miss her.
     
  10. jenn888

    jenn888 Rookie

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    Jun 12, 2014


    WOW that is what she did to another teacher at our school. They both started working out last year and the other person lost 80 pounds. My "friend" didn't lose near as much. The other teacher at my school started getting compliments on how great she looked when we came back from summer vacation. Well my "friend" would make little digs at her and make snarky comments. The girl also started dating a guy 2 hrs away and this made my "friend" angry, because on the weekends she would be with her boyfriend and not at her beck and call. Long story short, this girl is now moving to be closer to her boyfriend. My "friend" wouldn't even tell her goodbye at our end of the year banquet. She said she was "done" with her.

    I really thought people in their 30's didn't act this way!:tired:

    Thanks for all the thoughts and suggestions guys!:)
     
  11. Kat53

    Kat53 Devotee

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    Jun 12, 2014

    I have had a friend like this, and eventually needed to cut her from my life. It was really awkward because she first started having issues, we worked together, but I don't regret it for a minute. It was easier for me to cut all ties at the time because we weren't working together anymore. I finally sent her an honest email. I don't feel guilty about being honest in an email and not in person because she honestly didn't deserve a face to face meeting, after the years of bullying she put me through.
    Your friend is selfish and immature. Since you work together I would try to gradually pull away.

    ETA: clarification
     
  12. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 12, 2014

    Ugh, sounds like our "friends" deserve each other. I always thought with age comes maturity, but then I've seen people much older than me act extremely petty and immature.

    I can't tell you what to do, but based upon your experience and how she treated ber other friend I feel like you need to run, not walk away from her. I don't think it's going to get any better. With my "friend" i kind of started thinking she wasn't a good person for me to be around, but I kept hope alive and ignored my gut (which was screaming DANGER DANGER) and as much as it pains me to admit this, it actually did hurt pretty bad. Granted, i don't regret having her out of my life, but the longer you hang with someone and emotionally invest in them, the more I think it hurts your heart when you break up.

    I hope you're able to get this chick on "associate" status without much drama.
     
  13. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    Jun 13, 2014

    I had a friend like this in high school; manipulative, petty, controlling. I couldn't get away from her until we went to different colleges. When I was home for summer after freshmen year I tried to limit how much I saw her, and she flipped. I got a horrible letter in the mail full of drama about what an awful person I was and how she didn't need me, etc. I never responded. Fast forward 15 years. She finds me on FB and tries to friend me. I don't accept the request, and she writes me asking if we can start over, she doesn't know what happened between us. I politely declined basically telling her I wanted to keep the past in the past. I don't need that drama.
     
  14. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 13, 2014

    I don't know which is sadder/scarier...if she really DOESN'T know what happened because she is that self-absorbed and obnoxious that the big hurt she caused you didn't register in her pea-brain OR that she DOES know what she did wrong but is still the same manipulative person and thought she could reel you back. You did right not to respond in the past and present:thumb:.
     
  15. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    Jun 16, 2014

    There have been time since when I wondered if I did the right thing or if I should have given her another chance. Most people mature after high school. I've never regretted my choice to keep my distance though. Hopefully she has changed and become a better person. I just don't want to be involved in her life, though. That sounds awful put that way, but it feels like self-preservation.
     
  16. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 19, 2014

    It may sound awful, but it's true. You have to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically. The experience may have taught her how to be a better person, but to me it's not worth the risk when a person has shown themselves to be emotionally damaging repeatedly. It's kinda like my ex, we kept breaking up and getting back together. The marriage counselor we went to said if u get to a point in a relationship where things are so bad/broken that you want to completely cut the other person off, then it's best to part ways.
     

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