Family Vent (gay drama)

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by JustMe, Sep 16, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    I apologize as I know I've been venting a lot...but I am just upset with my family at the moment.

    A few days ago my mamaw calls my mother and says my aunt wanted her to share some news with my mother because she couldn't do it herself. Probably because my aunt predicted my mother's reaction. Mamaw says my aunt's son is gay. This made it official, but we have known for years. Mother said, "Yeah, and? We kind of already knew that." My mamaw said, "Well, I figured...but he's bringing his boyfriend to our get-together this weekend. And your sister wanted to make sure you'd still come knowing this." Mother responded, "Absolutely not. There is no way we can come if he's bringing his boyfriend. Maybe if you gave me more notice to work through all this, but this is too soon."

    So they didn't go.

    A couple things. We have "known" he was gay for years. Couldn't my mother and stepdad "worked through" this ten years ago? He is now in his mid-twenties and this is the first time he has wanted to bring someone to a gathering. He knows why my mother and her family didn't come, and that's so sad...that your own aunt can't even stand to be in the same room as you and your significant other.

    Does anyone have close family members this much against homosexuality who has close family who happen to be gay? Do you stay out of it? Do you ever try to talk to them about their feelings in hopes you can persuade them to be more accepting?
     
  2.  
  3. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2007
    Messages:
    17,362
    Likes Received:
    46

    Sep 16, 2012

    :hugs: JustMe. My hubs had an uncle who was gay. I'm not sure if he ever officially came out but we all knew. The family was fine with him, and was even ok with him bringing a 'friend' to family get togethers. I couldn't imagine snubbing a family member just because they are gay. :(
     
  4. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2006
    Messages:
    27,534
    Likes Received:
    6

    Sep 16, 2012

    How very sad.

    The odds of your changing your parents minds, of course, are probably pretty slim. So from this point onward, they're going to find themselves missing a lot of family functions until they find a way to "process" who their nephew is.

    What a waste. Time with family is so valuable, how sad that they're choosing "processing" over being with loved ones. .
     
  5. dr.gator

    dr.gator Comrade

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2008
    Messages:
    438
    Likes Received:
    20

    Sep 16, 2012

    JustMe, everyone has their own beliefs and I was raised to respect people and their beliefs even if I didn't agree with them. I mean, is it my place to judge? In the end one will ultimately be judged by something way more bigger than any of us.

    I have never had to deal with the situation that you speak of, but I'd like to think that I'd put my family before my stubbornness to prove a point. I think what you ask is a difficult question and really don't know what I'd do if I were put in that situation. Of course, I would like to think that an open line of communication between all family members would go a long way to helping to ease the tension in the situation.


    All that may or may not help, but at least I gave it a shot!
     
  6. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2004
    Messages:
    7,775
    Likes Received:
    1

    Sep 16, 2012

    My brother-in-law is gay and we all welcome him to family gatherings as always, friend along or not, makes no difference to us.
    On the other hand, your aunt is entitled to her own beliefs/feelings, so it wouldn't be right to hold it against her. If she misses a lot of family gatherings because of it, that's her choice.
    In time, she may become more comfortable with him being gay and bringing a friend.
     
  7. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    It's my mom (and my stepdad and siblings) who refuse to go to any family gathering if he (my mother's nephew, my cousin) brings his boyfriend.

    She is entitled to her opinions...and if she wasn't so hateful about it I'd be more able to just let it go.
     
  8. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    6,396
    Likes Received:
    2,252

    Sep 16, 2012

    Yes, she is entitled to her opinions. Yes, you can continue to stew about it, and you will only hurt yourself. Or you can let it go because you being angry isn't going to change a thing except how you are feeling inside.
     
  9. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    7,075
    Likes Received:
    15

    Sep 16, 2012

    :hugs: How awful.

    I do not have a gay family member, so I don't have advice or anything. My stepdad is extremely homophobic. About a year after he and my mom got together (I was in high school), I tried to convince him that I was gay. I was trying to prove a point. He fell for it, too. It didn't change his views though. We have gotten into several bible-quoting arguments over the years. I do have friends that are gay. He was civil. I'm not sure how he would react if he was around a gay friend and their SO.

    This is probably wrong of me, but I often wish gay children upon homophobic people. (With the hopes that they will learn acceptance.) I taught with a girl my age that is very vocally against homosexuality. I can't think of a single person that I grew up with that was publicly against homosexuality. One of the things I hate about living in the south.
     
  10. waterfall

    waterfall Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2011
    Messages:
    6,156
    Likes Received:
    993

    Sep 16, 2012

    To my knowledge, no one in my family is gay, but they'd probably get the same reaction. My mom even told me once that if I ever dated a black man, I wouldn't be able to bring him to family functions because grandpa "wouldn't tolerate it." They're not too big on tolerance.

    My freshman year roommate had lesbian parents. My parents were polite, but refused invitations from them to "hang out."
     
  11. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    Well, I am not "hurting myself" here. I am annoyed. That's all. Not exaclty damaging things here...

    I'm curious about other people's experiences. People can change. I was raised by them with this attitude, but I changed. So I am wondering if anyone has experienced this.
     
  12. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2004
    Messages:
    7,775
    Likes Received:
    1

    Sep 16, 2012

    Is it just if he brings his boyfriend? My brother-in-law's dad refused to go to a get-together when he found out about it. The parents never ever talked about it with any of us.
    It's another thing if your mom and family are saying hateful things. They could at least make their choice and keep their mouths shut.
     
  13. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2007
    Messages:
    17,362
    Likes Received:
    46

    Sep 16, 2012

    waterfall~my dad said the same thing about bringing home a black guy. My hubs said the same thing about our daughter. However, I asked him if he would rather she date a white guy that treated her like crap or a black guy that treated her like a queen. He said that he had never thought about it that way and that he would try to change his feelings....which goes to show you JustMe, that people CAN change their views. But they have to want to.
     
  14. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    Yes, they will be around him but NOT if he brings his boyfriend. My stepdad "doesn't want to see two men kissing". I asked him when the last time was he saw me kissing my husband. Never. I said with a laugh, "You know, they're probably as likely to make out on top of the picnic table as we are."
     
  15. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    7,075
    Likes Received:
    15

    Sep 16, 2012

    This is what my mom says, but I know it would still bother her deep down.
     
  16. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2004
    Messages:
    7,775
    Likes Received:
    1

    Sep 16, 2012

    Well, let's hope he gets over it. Don't fight with them about it. I think your humor is perfect. It might help him to see it's not the big deal he thinks it is.
    My brother-in-law is the life of the party. At first all he ever talked about was being gay and would make jokes and comments all the time. This was when he first told us. Now he has relaxed and is just his normal funny self without always referring to being gay!
     
  17. bison

    bison Habitué

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2012
    Messages:
    874
    Likes Received:
    0

    Sep 16, 2012

    I don't have any advice, but I feel for your cousin. I hope your parents come around.

    Others have mentioned not holding it against them or letting it go, but I would absolutely hold it against anyone in my family if they were to put their intolerance before their love and support for one another. We're fairly close and family is VERY important to all of us. We all have different views on many topics, but they don't come between us. A relative of mine just married someone of a different ethnicity and it totally changed her previously somewhat intolerant parents. They want her to be happy, and they love the guy and his family after getting to know them. Combining aspects of the two cultures for the wedding was a lot of fun, and every single person was a great sport about trying new things and having fun with it. We're very lucky and I wish everyone had the same.

    One of my previously homophobic family members actually had her view changed by Ellen DeGeneres. She grew up in another country without ANY exposure to gay people. There wasn't any hatred or anger but more of a "yuck." She loves to watch Ellen, and after seeing how normal and happy Ellen and her wife are, she realized there's not much difference after all. She now supports marriage equality because she just wants everyone to be happy. I think lack of exposure is a major issue, and one we're slowly overcoming.
     
  18. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    Ellen. Oh, how I love Ellen. I wish we were best friends. :)

    Mom likes her, but "can't" watch since she's gay.

    And Grammy, I certainly wouldn't find with my parents about this. I don't ever "start" fights with my family members about anything.
     
  19. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,675
    Likes Received:
    1,739

    Sep 16, 2012

    JustMe, I have a sad feeling your mother will never come around. You may have to be the ambassador of family love from your branch. Be the most awesome cousin you can be!
     
  20. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2007
    Messages:
    17,362
    Likes Received:
    46

    Sep 16, 2012

    JustMe~Ellen and I ARE best friends...inside my head. I :wub: her!
     
  21. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    3,513
    Likes Received:
    15

    Sep 16, 2012

    Wait, wait, wait.
    I AM Ellen's best friend.
     
  22. bison

    bison Habitué

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2012
    Messages:
    874
    Likes Received:
    0

    Sep 16, 2012

    Ellen definitely rules. I don't watch her show but for some reason I've been watching a lot of clips online lately. They're hilarious.
     
  23. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    Not to get all super serious here, but Ellen really does inspire me. I consider her a major role model in my life. Even adults can use role models. :)
     
  24. bison

    bison Habitué

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2012
    Messages:
    874
    Likes Received:
    0

    Sep 16, 2012

    She really is a great role model. She's funny, intelligent, strong, and stands up for what she believes. I bet she'd make a great teacher! ;)
     
  25. Kat53

    Kat53 Devotee

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2006
    Messages:
    1,071
    Likes Received:
    12

    Sep 16, 2012

    Ellen is hilarious!? She's someone who feels like a friend when you watch her show!
     
  26. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2007
    Messages:
    4,468
    Likes Received:
    1,497

    Sep 16, 2012

    My parents and siblings have always been really good about accepting me for who I am--regardless of my sexuality.

    I'm not "out" to my extended family. I'm sure some speculate about why I'm not married, but I rarely see them (except for when there's a wedding or funeral), so I couldn't care less about their opinions.

    I am a 30-year-old teacher who is hardworking, kind, loving, and intelligent. I also happen to be gay. My mom always says that if there's any part of that equation that people can't accpet, they're not worth a second thought.

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."- Dr. Seuss
     
  27. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 16, 2012

    YTG, I hope my cousin keeps those words of wisdom from Dr. Seuss close to his heart. :)

    Our family is crazy and beyond my immediate family we are not close whatsoever. Hopefully my mother's attitude toward my cousin doesn't affect him. It seems, though, it would take time to get to that point.
     
  28. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2007
    Messages:
    2,403
    Likes Received:
    1

    Sep 17, 2012

    Even my Grandma watches Ellen, "even though she is gay, she is really funny" in her words.

    Yes, there is a good deal of bigotry on both sides of my family. I have a cousin who is a lesbian or maybe bisexual. We don't talk about it, but I can tell from her facebook page. She lives in California so she can live pretty freely without telling the family. I can't imagine it going over well.

    They may surprise you though. My uncle just got remarried to a black woman this spring and this was a very big deal for my family. I expected at least 2 of my uncles to skip the wedding. I was really pleasantly surprised that all but one of my uncles agreed to be IN the wedding, and the other one at least came for the ceremony, even though he left right after it. They might come around.
     
  29. KateL

    KateL Habitué

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2007
    Messages:
    810
    Likes Received:
    2

    Sep 17, 2012

    I have a cousin who's gay. The family has never, ever talked about it. Grandma used to say how nice it was that he would bring a friend for the holidays since not everyone has a family to go to for the holidays. (My cousin's boyfriend had a very nice family.) My dad used to be dead set against gay people, and he still doesn't interact with my cousin much, but he has never said anything at family events. He is still opposed to my cousin and his boyfriend adopting a child, since children "should not be raised in that atmosphere." Nevermind that my cousin has been with his boyfriend for as long as I've been with my husband. I don't think anything will ever change my dad's mind, but he is civil to my cousin and doesn't boycott family events. Maybe that's the best you can hope for with your parents.
     
  30. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2007
    Messages:
    17,362
    Likes Received:
    46

    Sep 17, 2012

    She is a great rold model!
     
  31. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2007
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    12

    Sep 17, 2012

    It is too bad that THAT would keep family apart.
    I do not like Public Display of Affections straight or Gay.
    My feeling is I don't care what your orientation is just don't "PUSH" it on me. Don't push your gayness, your overboard affection, your homophobic, your bigotry, your lack of tolerance or your "rights" on me (I have enough of my own, and don't want anymore). I will not annoy you so don't annoy me. If I don't like you or your cause I will either socialize with you or not. Just don't tell me I am wrong and you are right, we just disagree.
    None of my relatives are LGBT but I have friends who are.

    BTW Ellen is my girlfriend
     
  32. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 17, 2012

    :haha:

    Thanks for the replies everyone. It's just sad when people you care about have such hate in their hearts.
     
  33. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,841
    Likes Received:
    51

    Sep 18, 2012

    Both my godparents are gay. My mom didn't know when she decided on them (it wouldn't have mattered), so now I have two godmothers and two godfathers! :) So obviously my immediate family is quite progressive and liberal.

    But my grandmother is another story. I went to a predominantly black high school and an HBCU and dated black men exclusively for years. My grandmother would always say things like "why can't you make her like white people?" etc. She was never nasty to me or my friends or boyfriends, but I knew deep down inside she didn't approve. I just pretended to not know. I give old people a pass because they were raised in a different time. I think the difference between this situation and yours is that my grandmother never showed her prejudice. She kept it up inside which was better for everyone.
     
  34. Jerseygirlteach

    Jerseygirlteach Groupie

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2010
    Messages:
    1,439
    Likes Received:
    2

    Sep 18, 2012

    No one in my family is gay - I think. However, if they were, I can't think of any family members who would reject them. I'm not saying it would thrill everyone, but reject them like that? No.

    Sorry, I don't agree with those that tell you to respect the beliefs of homophobes. If your brother was dating someone of another race and your family rejected that person because of that, then they would be racists, and that wouldn't be okay. It's not okay to be a bigot. I realize that this is your mother and I'm sorry for my frankness. I know it's hard to change ingrained beliefs that one has always been taught are correct, but that doesn't change the fact that she's being cruel. It must be very hard for you.
     
  35. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Sep 18, 2012

    Oh, no need to apologize!
     
  36. Peregrin5

    Peregrin5 Maven

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2011
    Messages:
    5,770
    Likes Received:
    1,004

    Sep 18, 2012

    I'm sorry that your family is going through this.

    I've come to accept that some people (mostly of the older generation) simply will never come to terms with tolerance of homosexuals. (Heck, some won't come to terms still with equal rights for black people.)

    My family is the same way. I'm not allowed to see them or visit with my boyfriend ever, and it's a taboo topic if I ever do visit which is rarely.

    It's sad, but you know, as you said, it is your mother's right to have her views, and not attend. I'm certain that with all of the issues in society that your nephew has had to deal with growing up and being gay, he probably won't be that affected by your mother not attending gatherings because he is there.

    You kind of have to deal with it matter-of-factly just as you would with your students I guess. It's her choice to make, and the consequences of that choice are reduced familial contact.

    When she is ready, she may change her mind. Good luck. =]
     
  37. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2007
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    12

    Sep 19, 2012

    Being one of the older generation I find the 'demand' of acceptance by the new generation as bad as the intolerance practiced by my generation.
    In many cases the "new" life styles is a paradigm shift and as you know a paradigm shift is not a quick change.
    Given time we, the older generation, will accept it or die and be out of the picture.


     
  38. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2004
    Messages:
    7,775
    Likes Received:
    1

    Sep 19, 2012

    Yes. :thumb:
     
  39. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,841
    Likes Received:
    51

    Sep 19, 2012

    I agree (you can see in my post above I give the "old generation" a pass) but I don't think beliefs should allow you to be nasty towards people. Nothing ever gives anyone the right to be disrespectful and mean to another person. My grandma might not like that I'm not with a white man, but she'd never NEVER say anything. It would only hurt me and my boyfriend's feelings. And there's no reason to do that.
     
  40. Peregrin5

    Peregrin5 Maven

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2011
    Messages:
    5,770
    Likes Received:
    1,004

    Sep 19, 2012

    I don't think that deciding to not attend a family gathering because of the presence of a gay couple is disrespectful though. As I said, that's perfectly within her rights to make that choice.

    And Irishdave: I agree. I think that many of the younger generation get FAR too offended when someone disagrees with their views. I can understand when they are angry because laws are passed, or money is being donated to organizations that have an active hand in harming gay people or children, but when you end a friendship simply because someone doesn't appreciate the "gay lifestyle" as they would call it, it's going a bit far.
     
  41. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,841
    Likes Received:
    51

    Sep 19, 2012

    I don't think so. People who don't "appreciate the gay lifestyle" (and what exactly is so different from the heterosexual lifestyle? Just the sex?) don't need to be in my life. Just like I wouldn't be friends with a racist.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Members Online Now

Total: 196 (members: 0, guests: 184, robots: 12)
test