Don't I have a right to be disappointed?

So I got an angry email from a parent today because on our online gradebook, my student teacher wrote the following as a comment on a missing project:
We had five weeks to complete this project. We had class time and you had time at home to finish this project. I was very disappointed to see that you did not bring a single thing with you to class for this project- not even your notes!

This is for a HUGE project (7th grade) that the kids had 5 weeks to work on WITH a partner of their choice.

The parent felt that the word "disappointed" was way too harsh and would basically traumitize his child. Am I really out of line here? Even though I didn't write it (my student teacher did), I feel it's okay for a child to hear that word from an adult who sees him not doing what he is capable of doing.

-footnote - this is a child who does the bare minimum (if that) and now I feel like it's probably because his parents are too afraid of damaging his self esteem to ever say a negative word to him as he fails class after class. Hmm...

 

I have no problem with the word disappointment.

 

Is there a different way that the parents would like teachers/adults to express disappointment?

Is the parent truly upset about the word "disappoint" or are they upset about something else? Something sounds fishy here.

 

Some parents, I just don't get. Nitpicking the specific words your ST used in the comment should be the last of the parent's concerns.

And no, I don't see anything wrong with the phrase "very disappointed." If anything, I'd drop the exclamation point and reference to notes (though the student should hear it, in a comment it's just too specific). Again, though, the parents should really be focusing on their kid more than a brief note on a page.

 

The dad explained to me that psychologists advise against that word. It "destroys the bridge" of communication between parent and child and then the kid can't ever recover from knowing that mom or dad (and I guess teacher) were disappointed in them.

Apparently this guy teaches college (although I'm unclear about exactly what position he has - he's not a professor) and his boss doesn't want them to use that word with the adult students, either.

--I just find this hard to believe. Are there really all these professional conversations going on about this word? Do we really believe kids are so fragile we can't ever express it when they've let themselves down? I have to admit to feeling really annoyed by this attitude.

 

My students respond much better to "disappointment" than to "anger". It's not so bad to make someone angry; it hurts when you disappoint someone you care about.

 

You can find a psychologist who will say almost anything you want, and I doubt very much that any consensus has been reached about this one word. This sounds very much like a fringe idea based on the vague ideas in some Ph.D.'s head, rather than on anything like evidence.

For what it's worth, though, the idea that you should be going with what's effective isn't a bad one. Your original post said "Aren't I allowed to be disappointed" -- and of course you are, but whether you communicate disappointment or something else should be based more on whether it will work. But then, you could turn this right around on the parent and ask them what methods they've used that have worked, and in what contexts those techniques have worked. If they really believe in saying nothing negative, let them come out and say that. Preferably in front of some administrators.

 

Disappointed is an appropriate word in this case, I don't see what the problem is here - they did not meet expectations that were clearly stated.

 

I think disappointed is the exactly correct word.

 

I would love to know what word the parent thinks is appropriate in this case....and I would also love to know what actions he's going to take to ensure that his child lives up to the basic standards in class. I get the feeling that the parent is annoyed that the kid didn't do the project and is taking it out on you.

 

I think it sounds just fine.

 

Since your ST did not say YOU are a disappointment, but rather that he/she found it disappointing that the time was ill used and the result was not a desired outcome, I think you are well within the bounds of acceptability.

I'M DISAPPOINTED that these particular parents have created the need for this conversation. Perhaps their child's communication gap could be solved by hearing instruction from the teacher and fulfilling it!

 

I purposefully use the word 'disappointed' when I want to really make an impact on a student in a situation. It's a word that cuts to the core of me when others use it, so I assume the same with my students. Sometimes you need to stop a kid in their tracks and get them thinking about their actions.

 

Even if you wrote this and not the student teacher, it should not be a problem. No feedback, you lose. Sincere feedback, you lose.

I say look forward to summer!

 

There's no pleasing some people so don't try. We get challenges like this all the time and it always blows over. I agree with JustMe...look toward summer! Yay!

 

Isn't disappointed the word you're "supposed" to use for Love and Logic? I use it...

 

Same here. I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

I used that word in regards to one of my students this year. He's a great kid, involved in everything, tries really hard, but I caught him cheating on a test.

I told him to come and see me at lunch and when he did, the first words out of my mouth were to express my disappointment in his actions. He started to cry. I felt bad, but it was the truth. I taught him a few years ago, at a different grade level and never in a million years would I have assumed him to cheat.

I called and talked to mom and she thought it was more than appropriate.

One of my biggest pet peeves (although I don't think that's the right word...) is when I see parents try to over shelter and buffer their kids from consequences.

 

Pfffffttt.... oh man! What is this kid going to do when he gets (if he ever does) a job and the boss is disappointed that he didn't meet a deadline, or do a job correctly? Call his mommy and daddy to talk to the boss for him and tell the boss never to use the word disappointed? Oh brother!

 

Exactly! Sometimes the truth hurts, but it still needs to be heard. The sooner kids learn that, the better prepared they will be for life in the real world.

 

I'm a huge Love and Logic proponent (just loaned the book to my principal) and agree that this is the appropriate term. The STUDENT is not the disappointment but the ACTION is. It is worded properly and everything.

 

I think its because of this lame "research" that says we can't use works like "upset" or "disappointed" that we have lazy students. When a teacher told me they were disappointed in my work, I would make sure I improved on future assignments--- same when I got that feedback from my parents.

We're babying the students and they perform horribly in school--- which sadly will translate into them doing poorly in the work force. My god--- America needs to grow a set.

 

This kills me! I am amazed that the word disappointed is the cause of concern ..NOT the fact that the student is FAILING! I think many people try to deflect the true issue so it is on you and not the student!

 

Its sad that the parents don't care enough about the lack of work.

 

To me, disappointed is a good word for "lazy" students to hear. It means "I thought you could, and I expected you to do better, but you didn't."

Being "angry" or "upset" doesn't say anything positive about the student. If you're disappointed, it means you believe in the student and have high expectations of what they can accomplish.

 

BioAngel- Haha, I completely agree

 

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

 

Well said.

 

I think I want to make this into a poster....

 

I think so too.

 

Disappointed is fine. If they only knew what we really wanted to say sometimes...

 

Thanks, all. I didn't realize all this conversation was happening...I wasn't getting my email notifications.

Anyway, I just wanted to confirm I wasn't totally crazy in thinking that "disappointed" wasn't a dirty word. I truly feel sorry for this boy because his parents have worked so hard to make sure he never has to feel any personal responsibility. I have used this word in similar situations with other students, and refuse to take it out of my toolbox. I loved the comment about how what it really communicates is that the adult believes in the student. That was exactly the intention in this case.

Oh, well. At least the dad let it go. And now I AM ON SUMMER BREAK!! :haha: Wooooooooooooooooh!

 

:unsure: I save using the word "disappointment" for major situations. I did use it once this year for a situation that involved out-of-line close to bullying type behavior from a boy, and he cried when I said that I was disappointed in his behavior. What I said was highly effective to him, and I never saw him do it again.

But, in this case, I also would have supported my ST and asked the parents what words they would have used to express personal concern about not having worked to potential. It does seem like an over-reaction on their part, and a focus on the wrong thing. They are the ones who should have said to their son that they were disappointed in what he chose to do.

It's kind of like the word "lazy". Even if the kid is "lazy", it's one of those words that cause a problem when parents hear it. Parents tend to focus in on the word instead of the message.

 

This is a long shot, but some parents are irritated by anything that sounds like a teacher is taking something personally. "I am disappointed" is better than "I am angry," but it still focuses on the teacher's feelings rather than the student's problem.

Of course, in your situation, it's probably just misplaced perspectives, but I thought I'd throw in my !

 

responsiblity

As someone who is getting certified in Middle School Social studies, I think teaching students to be responsible is important. It is appropriate to be dissapointed when they don't meet expectations. At this age, you are working hard to teacher them to be a good citizen, and make good choices.

I feel that far too many parents want to "baby" their children and never give them the opportunity to make mistakes. These are important lessons to learn.

I think all the psychology has caused parents to lose their common sense skills when it comes to raising children!

 

Some teachers wouldn't be disappointed because they wouldn't care. I'll take a teacher's disappointment...

 

We ... as a society ... seem to get weaker with each passing day... What will become of this kid when he's out in the real world?..

 

A couple of days ago I explained this to a student had turned in 400 points worth of work in 24 hours and still failed my class. The quality of the assignments was high but it was only work he had given me all semester. I explained that I was not disappointed in him, but in his choices that led to this point.

 

Maybe you can tell the parent you are disappointed with his response?

JK

 

Okay, I hear such things often. Hate the sin, not the sinner. You're not bad, but that decision was. But for some reason (sleepy?), I'm having a hard time understanding what the true difference is in being disappointed in him and being disappointed in his choices. I think being disappointed in someone doesn't mean you still don't love and value them, and I think it's perfectly okay to be outright disappointed in a person. Again, I wasn't able to order pizza like I planned, I really need a heavy dose of chocolate, I'm sleepy, and I have to get up especially early in the morning...so I apologize if I come across as super argumentative!