Do you/ have you ever had a forbidden friend?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Hoot Owl, Oct 19, 2009.

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  1. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    I do, I've had one for about three years, ever since he came to my campus.

    He's the art teacher at my school and I'm crazy about him AS A FRIEND... he's gay and is one of my best friends. He's close to my age, we read the same things, we both love art and Italian opera, we had similiar childhoods, and he's just he sweetest friend in the world.

    My husband hates him though. It's a shame, I simply just don't talk about him at home anymore, but at school he's my dear friend. We eat together in the lounge about three times a week and that's all we see of each other. Ocassionally, he'll bring me a new book he's just finished or send me a link he thinks I might be interested in.

    Why are men so immature about other men?
     
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  3. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    Wow, that's very unfortunate. Y does your husband dislike your friend so much?
     
  4. Ms. I

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    Not me. If you're familiar w/ any of my past posts regarding relationships, you know how I feel about this topic. :)
     
  5. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    I haven't really ever had a forbidden friend, but I have had a 'friend' that I would have been better off without. :lol: We had a good time together, though, so that's why we were friends for so long.
     
  6. MissCeliaB

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    My husband likes most of my guy friends (more than I like some of his friends, for sure.) I do have an ex who I keep in touch with casually. I think sometimes it bothers my hubby if one of them calls late at night upset about something, but I just don't usually answer the phone. I have no secrets from him about my friends, and he has no secrets from me about his friends.
     
  7. Jem

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    I had/have a friend that I met through another friend. We've never met in person-we just chat online. Well, we did. My husband hates him because he felt he was getting flirty. I took him off my IM list, but sometimes he'll send me a chat message through Facebook and we'll catch up. He's hilarious, interested in what I'm doing, and just fun to talk with. But I respect DH enough not to initiate conversations anymore.

    I agree-very immature of guys. I miss my friend a LOT.
     
  8. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    Most of my boyfriends have hated that I am still really close to my hockey playing ex as well as another ex-boyfriend (who I only dated for a couple of months, but our relationship ended because we were just in different places - literally as well as metaphorically). I got tickets to a sold out playoff game because of him for a boyfriend and he didn't want to go to the game because of how I got the tickets (which I paid for, for the record and were ridiculously expensive because players have to pay top price).

    The fact that he is an ex makes it understandable, but we were together for, basically five years off and on, and we've been friends for another five. Its tough to just let go of that.

    That said, I am typically the forbidden friend. Most of my guy friend's girlfriends detest me, because I have so much more in common with the guys than they do, and I have a ton of history (not romantic, just... history) with my male friends. We've been through a lot together, and sometimes when we reminisce, it annoys the girls, because I was there that time when Riley jumped off the roof when he was three sheets to the wind, and thought he could hit the trampoline, but ended up breaking his ankle. Or the time when they went country and got lost in the grids and had to call Nick's older brother to come and get us, only he got lost, and it took us 4 hours to find each other and another 2 to get back to the city. Or when went on that road trip to Calgary and Jon insisted he knew how to beat the cops, and ended up getting two speeding tickets in a ten minute period on the number one. Or when they lost that bet to the guys from the track team and they had to go to the gay bar on Saturday night. I was there for all of those things and more. None of the girlfriends were there, and they don't like that I was part of the fun.
     
  9. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    I tend to make friends with guys better than girls, for whatever reason. I have a lot of guy friends, and of our couple friends, I usually prefer to talk to the guy. I hate it when couples get together and the guys all gather in the man-cave or the garage, and the girls stand around the kitchen, or sit in the living room. Sooo archaic. I'd rather be playing foosball in the basement, or watching the game drinking a beer, than having a Mike-a-rita while chatting. It's just the way I roll.

    That all being said, this was kinda difficult for my husband to wrap his mind around. Because his friends, and our friends, and my friends-the guy ones-all think I'm pretty cool (not to brag, it's just I relate to them well). And husbands don't always like it when guys think you're cool. Not to mention, the gals can definitely give the cold shoulder to someone whom their husband likes to hang out with.

    But, I've come to the realization that they're gonna have to get over it. It's the way I am, and if someone doesn't like it, I'd love to talk about it, but I'm not gonna change. I'm a big girl, and I am not hanging with someone in a relationship way. No apologies!
     
  10. Blue

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    You mean like a boyfriend your parents did not like?
     
  11. lemonhead

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    I have a friend who is a girl that I have known for 9 years. She is a parent at our school. I knew her before I even worked there. She is not a forbidden friend by my husband by any means, they are great friendsl however, I feel like she is a forbidden friend by some of my teacher friends.

    She is a fun person, but crazy fun. I know when the other teachers see me with her they must think..... What the heck???

    She is great though and a true friend so I don't really care.
     
  12. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    I'm not sure that they don't like it because you were there for the fun...more likely because the past keeps being brought up. Sometimes the past belongs in the past-especially if you want to move on with a present relationship.
     
  13. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I can't imagine who might forbid me to have anyone as a friend. So my answer is "NO!"
     
  14. WindyCityGal606

    WindyCityGal606 Enthusiast

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    I am the forbidden friend with my guy friend of 27 years now. His current girlfriend is so suspicious of us it's ridiculous. We are never going to stop being friends. Does she think she has that kind of power?
    I have had many forbidden friends while in relationships over my lifetime but I'm glad to stay those bad relationships are over and my friends are still strong and true!
     
  15. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    But when we're doing one of those things that "we" do together, and have always done together, its not like the girlfriends aren't welcome, we totally want them there, its more that when you get together with people that you only see once every few months, your reminisce. Its what happens. Great things that happened in the past are fun anecdotes, and we all tell stories. Its the way it works. When I get together with girlfriends its the same thing... their men don't mind, but the girls mind, because I was there.
     
  16. blindteacher

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    Why are we saying this is a man thing? It's not just men who put these crazy limitations on their wives or girlfriends.

    On that note, I think the whole idea of a "forbidden friend" is ridiculous. My wife has plenty of male friends and I have no problem with it.
     
  17. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    So if they mind, why do you all continue? It's just good sense to find ways to include 'new' people in conversations...why not make conversational connections to the 'girls'? It might be worth a try- you might find yourself with some new friends and supporters.
     
  18. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    Umm because they come on what are "guys nights out" the minute they find out that one of the guys is actually an attractive girl. We'll have them there, but these are supposed to be our nights to watch hockey, drink beer, and reminisce. I'll ask about them and their lives and how they met their boyfriend or whatever, but these girls ice me out from the get go.
     
  19. JustMe

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    Yeah, I have to say I agree with this. I've been in a similar situation--although it was in high school--and it came across as though the other person was simply trying to "prove" they were friends first. I know that sounds silly, but that was the conclusion I reached after one too many "remember when" stories. The girls may feel the same way.

    As far as forbidden friendships? Not since high school either. My mother was convinced one of my best friends was a witch. Oh, my mother. :rolleyes:
     
  20. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Perhaps it's more than just your beauty that makes the girls uncomfortable?
     
  21. CanukTeacher

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    Well I'd say it certainly sounds like being the girl is the issue they have. Having watched women who dislike their SO's friends act "icy" I have noticed one thing: girls don't generally act so icy with male friends of their SO they don't like as female friends. Probably because men generally don't care so much about a friend's girl being icy. Girls who are tomboys I also think get more than their fair share of 'icy' treatement by women.
     
  22. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    When they've never met me before, and all the guys usually say about me (as far as I know) is that I'm one of the guys, and they love that I can keep up with them when we go drinking and that I know just as much about sports as they do? They may tell some stories about some of my exploits, and I admit that I have them, but so do they.
     
  23. MissWull

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    Can't say that I have. My husband is the most easy going person I know...and if he didn't get along with someone...well, that would just seem so unbelievable!
     
  24. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    The assumption that is being made here, is that I am the one bringing these things up. When they brought up Riley jumping off the roof and breaking his leg, it was because a friend of his did the same thing, and then my part in the affair was brought up. When the story about Nick's brother was brought up, it was because I was talking about going country with my new boyfriend and his friends. The road trip to Calgary story was told because Alex just got back from Calgary and was telling us about the massive amount of cops he'd seen. They gay bar story I admit, I brought up, because they were giving me a hard time about something. So its not always me.
     
  25. kinderkids

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    I consider myself a very feminine woman, yet a tomboy, too. I grew up with four brothers and participated in sports my entire life. I have never had any icy treatment by a female because of it. I'm a warm person who generally gets along with everyone. I think it has to do more with how one presents themselves to others, both male and female, and nothing to do with how one looks or whether or not they are a tomboy.
     
  26. JustMe

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    Well, guys are sometimes oblivious to...oh, lots of things.
     
  27. JustMe

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    I agree.
     
  28. CanukTeacher

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    "I consider myself a very feminine woman, yet a tomboy, too."

    Well a girl who is drinking a guy under the table and likes hockey and such would probably not be very feminine now would they? All I'm saying is that if individuals are going to say that CG should be more friendly (and hence it is her fault the girls don't like her) that I'm guessing that some of these girls may not be so friendly either. I'm guessing that some of these feminine girls might sometimes be mean to girls who aren't into "feminine" things.
     
  29. Canadian Gal

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    Well I am also very feminine in appearance, but not in interests most of the time. I watch hockey with the boys, I play drinking games, I watch the fights, I go to the gym, I train a little bit of MMA when I have time. I try to talk to the girls about shopping and clothes, but most of the girls are still in school, whereas I'm done. I go places and do things they can't afford, and they flat out tell me that they don't want to here about where I'm traveling next. Or see pictures of my last trip, even if the guys asked me to bring pictures of my trip to Montreal (like I did last month when I saw the boys for the first time since I got H1N1) - I ended up not sharing the pictures because one of the girls was so rude.

    I do try to be nice and ask about them and their lives and their interests, but they are just so icy that I get tired of trying and I stick to my boys.
     
  30. Shanoo

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    I keep coming back to this thread because I find the responses interesting. This is a hot button topic for me, so I'll try to be polite.

    No, I do not have forbidden friends nor would I ever.

    On the one hand, I would hope that I wouldn't be dating (or married to) someone who would make me so uncomfortable with being someone's friend that I would feel the need to hide the friendship. I don't expect my boyfriend to like my friends, but I do expect him to respect me by not making me feel uncomfortable in having said friend.

    At the same time, having a so-called "friend" of my (now ex) husband send me test results confirming his paternity of her child has soured me on opposite-sex friends. Does that mean I don't have male friends or expect my boyfriend not to have female friends? No. What it means is that I expect my boyfriend to take my feelings into consideration (as I do his). If he had an issue with a male friend of mine, I would certainly try my best to make him as comfortable with the situation as possible, including limiting one-on-one time with this friend, having no secrets as far as that friend was concerned, and including my boyfriend as much as he wanted to be.

    If I found out that my boyfriend was hiding something he knew bothered me instead of coming out and talking to me about it, I would be so hurt - it would probably be a deal-breaker for me. Without honesty, what is there?
     
  31. CanukTeacher

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    But my main point was actually not the tomboy thing it was this:

    "Having watched women who dislike their SO's friends act "icy" I have noticed one thing: girls don't generally act so icy with male friends of their SO they don't like as female friends. Probably because men generally don't care so much about a friend's girl being icy."

    I don't think it has anything to do with men being oblivious - it has to do with having different priorities. For example, my SO's sister in law is very hard to deal with. We were in the city they live in and phoned to see if we could stop in for a quick visit. They were not doing anything important. But when we got their SIL went into the other room and wouldn't talk to us. This was the second time I'd met her. She was mad that we hadn't called a week before. Anyway, it was clear my SO's brother wanted us to stay the night but there was no way we were staying when she was that icy. We went on to visit a cousin and ended up staying there (we had planned to stay in a hotel but they clearly wanted us to stay so we thought it rude to say no). I felt awful about her icy behaviour (even though I hadn't done anything to deserve it). My SO brushed it off. He said she was an idiot and didn't give it a second thought.

    So when a girl doesn't like her SO's friends the male friends do notice but they don't care. Women I think tend to care even if they don't want to. So it really seems like the guys in CGs friend group probably aren't keen on the other guys (because they probably don't want them going and drinking too much and breaking their ankles, etc) either but the fact that she is a girl is an issue because they see it as a threat - kind of like the "tolerate" thread going on. And my guess - not knowing the situation - is it probably bothers CG more than it does the guys.

    The other thing I'll say is that it is not my friends' job to be best buds with my SO. It is okay in my view to have friends that are just mine or just his. Of course we know the other friends but I have friends that I invite over and tell my SO to do something else with. He'd be bored by our stories and giggles and it isn't my girlfriends job to make him fit in - he's not their friend - he's their friends SO. So I can see how her being a girl makes this different - and hence the forbidden friend issue can have something to do with gender.
     
  32. Dzenna

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    Since I was 3 years old, I was friends with a boy who lived across the street. During high school we remained close. There were girls who were jealous. This boy ended up best friends with my DH! Now all three of us are friends. Sometimes, our friend's wife feels left out because we have so much history.
     
  33. TeacherNY

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    My husband has never forbid any particular friend but I do have one guy friend that I know he doesn't like. They have only met twice and I haven't seen this friend in 5 years. We chat online now and then but whenever I mention him my husband rolls his eyes and calls him a weirdo LOL Well, that's why he's so interesting to chat with. Because he's weird!
     
  34. JustMe

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    You said you try to talk to them about shopping and clothing (and I assume you attempt to discuss these topics because you know they are interested), but they are in school still are you are not. I don't understand the relationship there. And you go places they can't afford? I don't quite get that either. Also, is it possible that when your discuss your travels they incorrectly interpret you as "showing off"? You may not be able to help that aspect of it, of course, but...well, obviously I am not with you during these meetings so I am just trying to understand these girls better.
     
  35. JustMe

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    It would be lovely if these and other girls in similar situations were not jealous, but if I may be honest...sometimes females can behave in ways which purposely cause other females to be concerned. It's a power trip. There is also a fine line between confidence and cockiness which could contribute to ill feelings, so jealously may not be the issue at all. I won't even try to lie...as I type this I have CG's situation in the back of my mind, but I really do intend this to be more general as I've seen it played out plenty of times. I do not know CG and I can only consider what has been shared through these discussions...certainly not enough to make such judgement calls.
     
  36. Canadian Gal

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    We talk about shopping, and they talk about sales and finding the best deal. I really don't worry about that. I buy what I like. I don't have to worry about finding the best deal or budgeting. They also wear clothes that, because I am a teacher, I would never DREAM of wearing in public. I can't relate to trying to find the right sexy Halloween costume, because there is no way I would wear one anymore.

    When the guys want to see pictures of my trip to Montreal, or ask me if I'm going to California for Christmas (which I often do, though this year, I'm actually going to Arizona instead) and if I'm going to Mexico again this year, I tell them the truth. I'm not going to pretend I don't do these things. I'm not bragging, I'm just talking about my plans, in the same way that the guys talk about going home for Christmas (California for me usually), or going to see a friend in Calgary over the summer or to BC for a wedding (I went to Montreal), or skiing in Baff during suicide week (I go to Mexico).

    We all take trips. Mine are just father away now, when I was in University, my trips were the same as theirs. Now I can travel more.
     
  37. CanukTeacher

    CanukTeacher Comrade

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    The power trip goes both ways though. The "he's my boyfriend keep your hands off him" seems to apply here. I honestly don't think a male/female friend should have to change the entire dynamic of their friendship so a girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't feel jealous. CG and I (I think) are fairly close in age and quite frankly any guy who had a problem with my male friends wouldn't have me in their life for very long. This might be different for someone in their 40s who has been with the same person for 15 years but in your 20s guys come they go - the right guy wouldn't have these kind of hang ups. Sorry but a girl could act anyway around my SO and I wouldn't be worried. And if I was worried it is HE who needs to account not her. He's the one with me. If I ever dated a guy who I felt needed to end a friendship for us I'd think long and hard about if our relationship should be ending. My SO will probably be around another 40/50 years but my girlfriends will probably outlive him :)
     
  38. Ms. I

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    All this talk is exactly WHY I don't want my SO to have friends of the opposite sex. If you guys want to call me jealous, intimidated, etc., so be it. I want to be the ONLY gal in my guy's life & I don't want to worry about him being friends w/ some other woman (or women) he's known for 10 yrs, etc.

    No other woman should be that important to where he can't let her go if he already has a GF or wife. I don't care how platonic they both are. Sorry, that's how I feel about the whole thing. If a guy just HAS to keep this woman in his life, he's not the guy for me. (We've had a big talk about it in my other thread titled What Things Do You Tolerate in a Relationship.)
    (And CG in just in case you are feeling as if I'm attacking you here, please don't take all this the wrong way, I'm not being hostile towards you personally, I'm just stating my feelings like everyone else here :))
     
  39. Ms. I

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    All of a sudden, everyone's stopped posting! ;)
     
  40. Shanoo

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    I agree with you 100%.

    I still consider myself fairly young (I'm 30), but I've been through enough in my life to know what my boundaries are and what I'm comfortable with. If someone else has different boundaries, so be it. But, if someone is interested enough in me to be with me, he'd better be prepared to respect those boundaries. If he's not, so be it.
     
  41. Ms. I

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    Shanoo, good for you! :thumb:

    We don't have to settle. If a guy's not all mine 100% & needs his little gal pals on the side, forget him!

    For those who don't care if your guy has female friends, that's great.
     
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