Disheartened....

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Maithal, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. Maithal

    Maithal Cohort

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    Jun 19, 2008

    Hi Everyone!
    First off I must warn you this post is long. I'm 25 and have been getting to know this guy through a dating site of my culture (Indian) since May. Turns out he lives 4 hours away. We met the day after memorial day and seem to have a good time. I asked him what he thought and he said he didn't feel he got to know me so well, and wanted to meet again. I told him I was worried about the distance and he assured me that we've got free minutes, email, IM, etc. we can make it work. I told him about my past of being led on by a guy on the dating site (showing he was interested only to find out he was on there JUST to make friends). This guy said, I already know I'm better than that guy, don't think about him, I'm not him.

    We talked for 5 hours one time on IM and he was very flirty showing he was interested. He said he wanted to meet last week in city (2 hours away)-he was gonna be there for work. I was thinking of taking the day before school off for work (although it was fine b/c I'm a sort of building sub who goes to 4 schools to cover for teachers so they can have mtgs & provide classrm support). He said he'd come a diff. day if I wanted. He said, if you could play hookie so can I. He finally said last week not to take the day off b/c he wouldn't want me to do anything I didn't want to nor would he want me to not get paid (I wouldnt if I took it off). So, we were gonna meet this week instead (since it's summer).

    Once, I teased him on IM, b/c he wanted to call me, but his mom was using his phone, so I said, "are you ignoring me." and he said how can I ignore a cute girl? He also remembered what I wore on our date. He joked that he should get 200 points for that and for some other stuff. THen once I said "You better be worth it" b/c I planned on taking the day off last Friday from work to see him (he had an award ceremony to attend on Saturday) he said "ouch. now i have 300 points and make up(meaning I have to make it up to him for saying that).

    He called 3-4 times during the week. Things were good until this Monday. I imed him he said "I'll call you later to catch up" b/c he was doing work (he works from home) and then said at end of conversation "we should talk." Had a feeling something was up but let it slide.

    He said when he went to the city he ran into a family friend at a bar whom he use to see and then when we talked on the phone he said, he said he decided to try it again with her. He said sorry, but he said he had to b/c she was a family friend. I asked if it was the distance (as that has been a barrier for me in the past w/other guys) and he said no she's about the same distance. After telling me this he said "let's be friends" and he kept talking to me (not that I wanted to). He said he didn't think it was a good idea to meet up.

    I later emailed him this....

    Thanks for your honesty tonight about the other girl. I know it's easier to go out with someone you know before. However, I felt I wasn't completely honest with you tonight when we talked. I can't lie, but I am hurt by your actions. I know it was hard for you to tell me this, and I would have a hard time doing the same thing, but I am hurt that you didn't tell me this sooner. It sounded like you met that girl at the end of last week and I would have appreciated it if you had told me sooner because you said you wanted to meet up and it seemed like you were really interested. I know you weren't sure about dating me, which I completely understand, but some of the things you said to me made me feel lead on. You are a nice person, and I would be lying to myself if I didn't tell you all this.

    I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

    He then emailed back this....
    I'm disheartened to read your email, although I do understand your feelings. Driving and talking I might not have laid out all the details properly, but I didn't meet her on purpose on thursday ... just ran into her at the bar. It wasn't anything until I meet up with her again on Sunday night while back in NY that we thought we'd try it out again. So I hope me saying this makes it a little better, although i know from my own experience and past, it won't help too much and for that I'm sorry. I've been lead on before and make a conscious effort not to ever do that to anyone else, cause it does hurt.

    I wouldn't have spent the time that I did with you if I wasn't interested. I know writing this probably has kept me in the same spot on your list of people to have beaten up, but I wanted to clarify the time line and ensure you understood I didn't plan on the meeting. My intentions were never to mislead you or hurt you and I hope you will forgive me with time.

    I then said this...
    I appreciate you writing back and trying to explain how you decided to be with the girl you use to go out with. You would never be on my list of people I'd want to beat up because I'm not like that. As I said before, I'm just hurt that you seemed interested, like you said you were, only to find out that it's not going to work out. I also feel disheartened, but over time I will get over this and perhaps we could be friends.
    He replied w/- That's all I can ask. Take care and good luck Maithal.

    I feel like he doesn't know what he wants b/c he did say in the phone conversation that he wasn't sure what'd happen btwn that girl and him but he had to give it a try.

    I'm just hurt that I always get hurt (even had a guy a few months ago ask to have an online relationship b/c he was moving - HELLLLOOOO, NOOOOO!!!!).

    On a side note, I put interest in 10 other guys on the website. One responded, but I'm still hurt. I wish my family or friends knew someone for me, but they don't. MY mom gave my email to a guy (friends of friends) 1000 miles away and I found his picture online and he's so not my type. I told him I was looking for someone closer (he wrote back).

    I'm tired of getting the wrong guys and having men lead me on. Yeah, you probably will also say enjoy being single while you can, and you're too young, but I am very hurt by this.

    Thanks for reading this long post.
     
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  3. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Jun 19, 2008

    It's part of the dating game. That's all I can say.
     
  4. cMcD

    cMcD Groupie

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    Jun 19, 2008

    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. That's how the dating world works.

    Don't get too wrapped up into guys. I used to have the same problem in my early college years. Then I wised up. I wouldn't get too emotionally involved until the 4th-5th date. Perhaps meeting these guys IN PERSON as soon as possible will also help. People say different things on the Internet with shield than what they might in person.
     
  5. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Jun 19, 2008

    You try to hard. Go out have fun and when your least expecting it the right guy is going to be there.
     
  6. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Jun 19, 2008

    Dating sites are rough, although you can occasionally find a diamond in said rough. Good luck and don't harden you heart TOO much.
     
  7. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 19, 2008

    I remember posting a few times to your previous similar threads. I completely understand your desire to meet a good quality, genuine, trustworthy person & I don't think 25 is too young to start getting into a serious relationship. Because you figure you probably want to date & really know this person a good 2-3 yrs before getting married, so you'll be 27/28 by then, which is a great age to be married.

    I remember back when I was in high school, I always thought that 23-25 was the perfect age to be married...well, I've passed that! It's tough out there.

    But, remember, never lower your standards just so you can "have a man", because quite often, it's better to stay alone than to get involved w/ many of these fools.

    I don't know if you do this already, but go out more just to be seen, even if you're alone. For example, rather than being on the computer at home, take your laptop to your local Starbucks or bookstore & sit at a table for a couple hrs once or twice a week. Maybe you'll catch someone's eye who's been noticing you! Join a gym & work out a few nights a week.

    Continued good wishes to you!
     
  8. corps2005

    corps2005 Cohort

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    Jun 19, 2008

    I know this seems like one of your darkest hours right now, but trust me, it's not. You're doing all the right things in the sense that you're not locking yourself up in the house and then wondering why you can't find anyone to date. This is all part of the dating game as MissFrizzle said. You just have to keep moving on.

    I spent four years dating terrible men and messaging men on the internet before I finally found the one. It'll happen when you least expect it. :)

    :hugs:
     
  9. jw13

    jw13 Groupie

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    Jun 19, 2008

    Maithal,
    I think that you may have encountered a culture clash on the dating website. You have are from an eastern culture using western methods for dating.

    You seem to be under the impression that when one of these men show an interest in you, that it should be complete investment into a relationship. However, I do believe that these men are using the dating service as a means to MEET women they MAY potentially want to get serious. I do not see where they are leading you on at all.

    I would really take a new perspective on this dating thing. You need to understand that someone wanting to meet you and showing interest in you isn't leading you on. It's the way people get to know one another and see if they blend well. Take a deep breathe...check out these other guys that seem to interest you. Have fun and enjoy the possibility of new friendships that MAY develop into something more.

    Good Luck...Love happens when you least expect it. :)
     
  10. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Yes! :2up:
     
  11. eduk8r

    eduk8r Enthusiast

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    I hope it doesn't hurt too much if I say I really agree with jw13, because I have read your posts on this subject before, too. It always sounds like the emotional investment exceeds the amount of input if you know what I mean? So maybe the first thing to do is not invest so much emotionally each time you meet a guy who is a possibility? You sound like you have a lot going for you, so like it's okay for you to have some standards and be a little bit aloof. Make sure the guy is good enough for you first, you definitely can't tell that from the internet and some phone calls. This guy does sound like a really nice sort, he gave you a very decent and intelligent answer to your response. You might want to stay friends with him. Let your emotions cool off first, though. It will all work out in the end, sweetie. :)
     
  12. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    and, for lack of a better term..... men.... and women can sense desperation aka neediness a mile away... don't make yourself an easy target... I agree with the others.... don't get so emotionally invested so soon.

    Guys who are players- who date alot- are smooth talking.... they know just what to say....

    I don't even think what this guy did was leading you on... he met you, treated you nice, and that's all..... he doesn't owe you an explanation.... in fact, he gave you one which wasn't really necessary. Most guys probably wouldn't even do that much... so move on... the right guy is out there.
     
  13. c_muschany

    c_muschany Rookie

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    I actually think you should consider this guy as a friend. He seems like a very genuine person to be up front and truthful with you. You never know, he may decide that this old family friend is nothing more than just that, and if you continue to be friendly, he may realize he was looking at a good thing (meaning you! ;))before running in to her. See what I mean?
     
  14. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    here's my :2cents: (2 cents worth):
    First, he was upfront with you which I applaud. Try to let it go.
    Secondly, you're worth more than that; don't settle for just anyone. You will meet someone some day who will invest just as much into your relationship as you. Take care & keep in touch; thanks for venting. I wish you well. :love:
     
  15. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Namasté
    As a man I say Move on
     
  16. eduk8r

    eduk8r Enthusiast

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    He's a man, he ought to know.
     
  17. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Men are like Baseball coaches
    When a Coach has a unsure pitcher (old girlfriend) in the game he has someone (you) warming up in the bullpen
    (I know typical male using a sports reference)
     
  18. eduk8r

    eduk8r Enthusiast

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    yah yah yah :p
    I've known some females like that, too. In fact in the Amazon jungle there is a tribe where the kids all have at least 4 dads. :D This is insurance in case one of the dads disappears. The woman has it pretty easy as you can imagine. :lol::lol::lol:
     
  19. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    Most men, just get to the point...that's what I love about them! :)
     
  20. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Maybe it's because I didn't come up in the computer age, but I cannot see meeting a guy online. I see it as even worse than the old fashioned way, because there's so much more leeway to be devious! Some men don't need any extra help in that department!
     
  21. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    I have met some very nice People online
    You have to turn on your BS meter
     
  22. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    On the flip side, it's also much easier to let your guard down and feel comfortable enough to express who you truly are. It can make you want to get to know a person even better.
     
  23. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Oh, I agree that there are very decent people to be met online, but I personally wouldn't look for a romantic relationship that way. When I was a 20-something ( 20 years ago!), 976 chat lines were the rage. I met one guy that way, and as soon as I met him face to face, it cured me of ever being that desperate again. :down:
     
  24. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    I trust no one!:cool:
    Seriously, though- to me it gives a devious person even more 'power' (not the word I want, really)to be devious. I'm just an old bitty, I guess, set in my ways!
     

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