Did you change your name?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by HP_Bug, May 13, 2009.

  1. HP_Bug

    HP_Bug Rookie

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    May 13, 2009

    I'm getting married in October and the only disagreement that has come up so far is about my name. My FH wants me to change my name to his. I am really partial to my last name (there are only 6 people in the entire world with it, it's a hyphenate). It is not hyphenated because of the standard reason, though. It happened during WWII, my dad's dad's dad died in the war. His mom eventually got remarried and wanted to keep her first husbands name and her new husbands name, so she hyphenated them together. I feel like it's a big part of our family and I don't want to give it up. It's not that i don't want to be a part of my FHs family, I just like my name. I guess I don't know how to present the argument without sounding like I don't want to be part of his family. Have any of you or your wives kept the maiden name? What is your opinion on the situation?
     
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  3. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Yes, I changed my name.

    It's not the right thing for everyone.

    But it was the right thing for me.
     
  4. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    May 13, 2009

    I wanted to keep my last name because I am the last one in my family. My husband said the choice was mine. When I told my dad my plans he didn't like the idea (I was kinda doing it for him). So, since my dad didn't care (and even thought it was strange) I took my husband's name.

    I'm published in scientific journals as my old name. If I were still in that field there would be no way I would change my name.

    To me, it's up to the woman. My husband agreed. But, some people find it "wrong" (for a number of reasons) for the woman not to take her husband's name.

    Have you read The Crucible?? :) The ending is very powerful and about the meaning of his name.
     
  5. 3Sons

    3Sons Connoisseur

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    Almost. I would have had a nice alliterative name if I'd changed it.

    My wife's father actually did change his last name to his wife's, to allow their family line to continue (he had brothers, but she did not). That changed my mind a bit about how supposedly conservative Japan is.

    My wife has sort of half-kept her maiden name, not as a hyphenate but in that she still uses her maiden name on all sorts of things. She "officially" has my name but informally uses the maiden name most of the time.
     
  6. MsMar

    MsMar Fanatic

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    HP, I wanted to keep my last name for very similar reasons as yours. It's a unique name because my great-grandfather made it up (his original last name is super common and he wanted something more unique). Due to a small amount of men in the family getting married and having sons, there are almost no people with our name spelled the way we spell it.

    Not only did I not want to change it, but I wanted my name to continue. Dh didn't mind changing his last name, so when we got married he changed his name to my last name. A bit unusual of course, but he didn't mind at all.

    The only time it gets confusing is when people meet my parents and are somewhat confused why my parents have the same last name as us. I recall my son's Kindergarten teacher asking about it because she had met my mom and dad and couldn't quite figure out what part of the equation she had wrong!
     
  7. AMK

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    I love my last name. There are only 2 of us in the US with the name and everyone else in Italy. I am going to take my fiance's last name but make my maiden name my middle name. I plan on using it when I sign things etc...
     
  8. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    May 13, 2009

    I plan on hyphenating, but for selfish reasons. I don't want to change my name - I will probably be over 30 when I get married. And my last name is as much my identity as my first - in teaching, I probably get called by my last name MORE than my first in a given day.

    However, my BF is an ancestor of the founder of the ivy league university I want to go to, which has a major square named after him. I think it would be helpful to hyphenate. :) Plus, as a teacher, I know how teachers can stereotype kids when their parents don't have the same last name. So that's why I will hyphenate.
     
  9. FarFromHome

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    I changed my name, but I thought about not changing it. I LOVED my maiden name! Mine was a pretty uncommon name. But at least now people can pronounce my name!
     
  10. Jem

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    I changed my name, but it wasn't a big deal to me either way. I still have old students call me by my maiden name. It's a fairly common name, but I do like how it's the same as my parents, whom I love so much.

    I have friends who are only children and will be keeping their maiden names. Last names like Wutka and Konwinski and Paulina-really fun last names that should live on forever.
     
  11. MissJennifer

    MissJennifer Companion

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    I was fairly attached to my last name as I didn't get married until I was 30. However, I really wanted to honor my husband by taking his last name. So I legally changed my middle name to my maiden name. That way I could have both! (We didn't want to hyphenate)
     
  12. 3Sons

    3Sons Connoisseur

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    May 13, 2009

    My dad once knew a woman who eagerly took her husband's last name because she didn't like her maiden name, but he wasn't sure it was such a good idea -- her new husband's last name was "Sianski".

    Her first name was "Nancy-Ann".
     
  13. blindteacher

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    My DW kept her name and my son uses my last name. We don't feel any less of a family unit because of the last names. We would have hyphenated our names for DS, but my DW's last name is a bit on the long side (it's of Polish origin and the kind of name that has a bunch of Z's in it) and while my last name isn't too long, the two names together would be way too long and way too much of a tongue-twister.

    HP, I think ultimately it is your call. You will be the one signing the name, hearing your students use the name, etc. Maybe you can explain your last name doesn't change the way you feel about your family.
     
  14. MissFroggy

    MissFroggy Aficionado

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    Here is a weird thing (AND I AM TOTALLY HIJACKING THIS THREAD)..

    I am a lesbian and I HATE my last name. 1- it's very common, and 2- my dad's side of the family disowned me when I came out, which doesn't give me much reason to keep it.

    I am really leaning toward taking my partner's name, but the weird thing is I don't know of ANY gay people who do that!! Taking a woman's name? Isn't that weird? At least w/ my current partner, she would not change her name because of her career and all the work she has done with her name. My name is so boring and typical (sorta equivalent to Jane Smith) that I have been tempted to change it anyway.

    So, it also seems really weird to change my name to something else aside from my partner's name. I was thinking of my mom's maiden name. But it would be weird to change my name more than once, if not needed.
     
  15. MissFroggy

    MissFroggy Aficionado

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    That sure rolls off the tongue!! Awesome!

    My sister married a man named Maderra. Her daughter was Terra. If the child had been adopted by the new husband, she could have been Terra Maderra. (Kind of like hannah montana!)
     
  16. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    I never hesitated to change my last name to my husband's.
     
  17. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    I changed my name, but I still use my maiden name as as a middle name. I go by a shortened form of my middle name. Works well for me, especially for initials.
     
  18. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    May 13, 2009

    I thought it was just silly to drop my maiden name, so I just added my husband's last name, so it's FirstName_MiddleName_MaidenName_Husband'sName. There is no hypen. I chose to add his name because in our society I find it easier to do so. People are so easily confused. :)
     
  19. blessedhands

    blessedhands Comrade

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    May 13, 2009

    I would keep my name for other reasons like for those who know me as such to identify as such. However, I would gladly take my husband's last name (who ever he is).
     
  20. Blue

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    My daughter remarried and her new husband adopted her son, and his new name is so funny, it rhynmes and everyone laughs when they hear it.
     
  21. dizzykates

    dizzykates Habitué

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    I thought a long time about what to do about my name. I love my maiden name!! I am a "johnson" to the bone and my family knows it and my husband's family knows it. However, I did finally decide to just take his name. I didn't hyphenate or change my middle name, I just went and changed it. Do I kinda wish I had kept it somehow? Yeah...but I am a "johnson" even if it's not in my legal name :)
     
  22. blindteacher

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    I have two gay couple friends. One couple decided to take the nicer-sounding and more interesting name of the two and the other couple decided to come up with their own last name, different from either of their parents' surnames.

    I don't see why taking a woman's name would be so absurd. Women take men's names all the time, so I don't see taking a woman's name as any different, other than that it has been done much less.
     
  23. english_bulldog

    english_bulldog Rookie

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    May 13, 2009

    Currently, my last name is hyphenated with my biological parents' last name and my adoptive parents' last name. My biological parents have both died (Mom died in 06, Dad just died in February), so I will be dropping their name when I get married. I don't know if I will be keeping my maiden name as my middle name, or drop it altogether. My biological father did not have any children of his own, only step sons, so I am the only one with the family name.
     
  24. Sarge

    Sarge Enthusiast

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    My wife did not change her name for the following reasons, all of which I support:

    • Arab-American heritage,
    • Feminist convictions,
    • To graduate from college and have a career as the same person.
    • My last name combined with her first name would sound like a character from Little House on the Prairie.
    • And most important, it's her name, why should she have to change it?

    She has a standing offer that if I hyphenate, she'll hyphenate.

    We've even discussed me changing my name. I would actually, but then I'd have the same name as her parents and it would look like I married my sister and that would be weird.
     
  25. TeacherShelly

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    I changed my middle name to my maiden name and took my husband's last name.

    I have friends who both took the wife's last name, friends who created a new hybrid last name based on both their last names, and friends who both hyphenated. Nothing seems weird to me.

    And my husband's auntie and uncle both had the same last name to begin with (not related, of course).

    Froggy, there's no reason not to take your partner's last name if you like it. I can see annoying people saying, "Oh, Froggy's the woman and her partner is the man." But who cares what annoying people say!
     
  26. MissFroggy

    MissFroggy Aficionado

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    That is my worry, because the FACTS are that: 1) she would be the breadwinner, and I would stay home to raise the babies, 2) she looks more boyish (short hair, neutral clothing) and I look girly (longer hair, skirts, stylish stuff)

    People already say that about us, me being the "woman" and her the "man" when obviously that's not the case! But the fact is she has a VERY cool last name (someone legendary, famous and dead has that name- a very well respected person from history.)
     
  27. TeacherShelly

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    Mrs. Froggy Einstein... yes, that does have a great ring to it!

    LOL :)
     
  28. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    May 14, 2009

    I know a young man whose eighteenth birthday present to himself was filing to change his name legally from his long-absent father's name to that of his mother and his maternal grandparents.

    If someone really identifies with his or her name, it seems to me (from experience, by the way) that there's less to be gained by changing it than by keeping it as is. Similarly, if someone really doesn't identify with his or her name - either because of circumstances or just one of those feelings - there's no reason not to change.

    Hyphenation is common practice in the Hispanic world, or at least in certain social strata of it - usually, I think, when the wife's family has more prestige than the husband's.
     
  29. DHE

    DHE Connoisseur

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    I was glad to change my name to dh's name and drop the name of ex. :)
     
  30. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    This is a somewhat related situation with my dad's sister (aunt) that I think is funny. Of course through her childhood she had the same last name as her brothers (she was the only girl with 5 brothers) and my last name right now. So she was Carol G-----. Then she got married and became Carol L----.

    My uncle (her brother) got married to a woman she doesn't really like. Her name is also Carol. She was Carol D----. She is now Carol G-----. My aunt is sooooo jealous. She even made the comment that SHE is the ONLY Carol G-----. lol.

    At first I thought she was being childish, but then I thought about if I changed my name from Silver G----- to Silver R---------- when I get married and then my brother married someone with the same name, and SHE was Silver G-----, I wouldn't like it either. :)
     
  31. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Whenever I do get around to getting married (next year? hopefully?), I'm going to make my maiden name my middle name and take DF's last name. That's who I've been for the last 28 years... and a lot of people call my by my last name. I currently don't have a middle name (loooong story)... unless you count all of my school documents that list it as "NMN"

    (I've had people ask me how to pronounce that)
     
  32. blindteacher

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    I am a bit confused, Miss Froggy. I still don't see why you can't change your name to hers. You may be more of the "woman" in the relationship, but I don't see that as a reason for who takes whose name, other than if it is to fit the heterosexual model as much as possible. Is that what you're after? If so, then I suppose it makes sense.
     
  33. Teaching Grace

    Teaching Grace Connoisseur

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    What if you still keep it like this:

    First Name, Middle Name, Hyphenated Name, New Last Name.

    It'll be long but you'll only have to sign it on official documents and such.

    Or you could leave out your middle name and put the hyphenated name as your middle name.
     
  34. HP_Bug

    HP_Bug Rookie

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    Here is the other issue (the whole thing is really complicated). My parents couldn't agree what to name me when I was born so they agreed that they would use both of their favorites - my mom's favorite is my first name and my dad's is my middle name. Everyone on my dad's side and many close friends call me by my middle name and everyone on my mom's side and now my colleagues call me by my first name. So I don't really want to lose my middle name either :( My closest friends call me by my last name initials (HP). My family has a long standing history in the Army and my dad is a highly decorated retired vet. The last name, being so unique, has set me apart in the military world as basically Army royalty. It's just so much a part of who I am, and it's not that I don't love my fiance's family, I would feel like I was giving up who I am, and I don't feel like that's what a marriage should be. My fiance is pretty adamant though, which is the problem. He's offered to make some pretty big compromises to get me to change my name, so I know it's a big deal to him, but that doesn't make it any less important to me.

    And Froggy - my two best friends are a lesbian couple and they recently got engaged. They have been debating about how to do the name thing as well. They both have very unique ethnic names (one Polish one from Ecuador....Ecuadorian?). I think it's about loving who you are and bringing that identity to the relationship, so if "her last name" is what you want to be, I think you should go for it. And ignore people who try to label one of you as the "man" and one as the "woman". I am in a straight relationship and still find myself taking on some of the typically male roles and my fiance looooves to clean and cook. Does that make him a woman? I don't think so.
     
  35. Kindergarten31

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    May 14, 2009

    I had kind of a funky maiden name. It ends in
    ---far, so was often called----fart. Anyway, my husband has a nice Irish name, so was glad to take it, but since I have lived in the same small town and everyone also knew my parents, I was pround of my funky name. SO, I use my maiden name as my middle name when I want to. My middle name and maiden name both begin with the same letter, so I can use that middle initial.
     
  36. MissWull

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    May 14, 2009

    I did take my husband's last name. I went from a pretty common last name, to an uncommon last name...that I have to spell all the time even though it's spelled like it sounds!

    Anyway, it was an internal struggle with me because my dad has two brothers, one has no kids, the other has 3 girls and my dad has us 3 girls. So if we are all traditional, we will all take our husband's name and my dad's last name will stop with us. I feel kinda bad, but I didn't want a hyphenated name and figured maybe one of my sister's would go the untraditional route...
     
  37. blindteacher

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  38. DHE

    DHE Connoisseur

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    May 14, 2009

    That is the same situation with my husband's name. When someone pronounces correctly, I tell that they are good.
     

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