Did I betray my best friend?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by rookieABC123, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. rookieABC123

    rookieABC123 Comrade

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    Jun 21, 2013

    Hi fellow teachers,

    I need some advice. I am friends with someone that my best friend hates. This hatred between them goes back many years and it is ugly. This is true hatred....I can't stress that enough. My best friend feels that I should've stuck up for her kids and her against this person when she was making accusations against her son for bullying her son at football (last year). I didn't and I've remained neutral and that's that!

    I've recently become closer friends with "friend B" over that past 6 months because our kids play the same sport which involves spending a lot of time together on weekends at meets and tournaments. We have a group of parents that hang out with a lot which includes "friend B and her husband" and is just a result of us constantly being together because of our kids. Even though the sport is over now we still hang out together at each others houses on weekends at least once a month.

    Well, yesterday I went to the pool with my best friend (we've always gone together for years) and "friend B" has a pool pass there also. "Friend B" had asked earlier in the day if I wanted her to save me a seat by her. I felt bad and said yes, figuring I would split my time at the pool between them. It was so uncomfortable and awkward and I felt like I was back in high school again. Anyways, the best friend is completely hurt and betrayed. Did I do something wrong? I basically told her that I still want to be close friends with her but at the same time I cannot snub this other person either. This person has never done anything to me personally.

    I know all of this sounds immature and childish and that no one should dictate who you are friends with. I never thought as a 40 yr. old woman I would be going through this. Should she just suck it up and accept it? or am I not being empathetic enough towards her. What makes matters worse is that our kids are also very good friends.

    BTW--next time I go to the pool, I'm sitting beside myself. Books make wonderful friends. ;)
     
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  3. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 21, 2013

    Oh my, I don't envy you or either of your friends. This is a tough situation where it's easy for feelings to get hurt. I feel worse of all for your best friend -- I've been in that situation where I'm close with someone and have their "loyalty" then they befriend someone else who isn't kind to me.

    I guess it feels like if we're in the sandbox and another kid runs up and kicks over my castle and I start crying, then the mean kid gives my best friend a candy bar so my best friend goes and plays on the slide with them. I retailiate by kicking mean kid and now we hate each other and best friend goes to both our birthday parties and sits with mean kid at lunch. That would hurt my feelings.

    But at the same time, you can't be mean to Friend B because of the kids and it isn't nice.

    I've tried to think of options for solutions and all I could come up with is talking to each friend and seeing if either is willing to resolve their issues.

    Not saying they have to be bff's and have dinner at each others houses, but where they can at least be cordial to one another (I got a little confused...are you saying that best friend and Friend B's kids are friends too, or just your kids and Friend B's kids?).

    If they aren't, I think your other options are to end your friendship with one of them (which I'm sure you don't want to do) or to continue doing what you're doing. I would apologize to best friend and Friend B though for trying to split your time between them and explain to them that you're sorry they have issues with one another, but you want to continue being friends with both.

    Sorry you're stuck in the middle of this tense situation :hugs:
     
  4. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Jun 21, 2013

    This exactly.

    I'm nearly 43. My friends are not all friends with one another, and a couple don't really click with each other. However, they have never put me in a position to make me choose between them.

    I like the idea of sitting by yourself. I would also tell each that their issue makes you uncomfortable, and you aren't going to choose.
     
  5. rookieABC123

    rookieABC123 Comrade

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    Jun 21, 2013

    Thanks guys. I am trying to emphasize with my best friend I know she's hurt and it hurts me too. Thanks for you responses. Em Catz...to clarify...my kids are very good friends with my best friend's kids and have been for many years. I feel very disloyal to her but like you guys said it's just a tough situation!
     
  6. thirdgradebuzz

    thirdgradebuzz Comrade

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    Jun 21, 2013

    I think it may have helped the situation a bit if you had told Friend B (when she asked if you wanted a seat saved), "No thanks, Friend A and I are planning to sit together, but I'll definitely come say hi" or something like that. That way, since you had made the plans to go to the pool with Friend A originally, you could stick with her, but still go talk to/spend some time with Friend B and not completely snub her. If Friend A was my BEST friend, I think that's how I'd personally handle this situation in the future.
     
  7. bison

    bison Habitué

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    Jun 21, 2013

    Why do they hate each other? If, say, Friend B scammed Friend A out of thousands of dollars intentionally, murdered a relative, punched her children, or anything similar that displays a terrible character, then yes I would say she's justified in feeling betrayed. With the information given, it all sounds very silly and I would distance myself from any friends that forced me to choose between them and another friend.
     
  8. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 21, 2013

    I think there should be some loyalty to your best friend who you've been friends w/ longer. In that case, I'd at least tell friend A (your best friend) that she should please understand that you've grown closer to friend B due to your kids being in the same activities. Reaffirm to friend A that this doesn't mean you like her any less. That SHOULD be all that needs to be said & if friend A can't be mature enough to understand that, then too bad, but no need to break either friendships.

    But I agree w/ thirdgradebuzz. If there's ANY events that you've always done with friend A, stay loyal to doing that with friend A. I'm sure you & friend B will soon have your own little "rituals" since you've grown closer like you say.
     
  9. Rabbitt

    Rabbitt Connoisseur

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    Jun 21, 2013

    How does friend B feel about friend A?

    Although sitting and reading alone sounds awesome, you should not have to. You should be able to go and be social if you wish.

    I think friend A should be the one with the worries.
    If she has a problem, she cannot put that on you.
    Since she doesn't like it, then she can either sit separate or not attend at all. Say just that..."I am going to the pool to enjoy what the day brings. If you don't like someone there, you decide how you are going to handle it. Please don't put me in the middle." If she does, then I would question the friendship with friend A.
     
  10. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Jun 21, 2013

    If I had standing plans to hang out with a friend and that friend ditched me to hang out with someone I didn't like, I'd be upset. I can understand where Friend A is coming from on this one.

    Even so, you're grown. This drama won't continue if you don't let it.
     
  11. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 21, 2013

    It never stops no matter how old we get. From the "sandbox to the grave" my Mom always says.

    My grandmother is in an assisted living facility and my mom was called down because of an incident that sounds like somethint that would happen with my first graders.

    xEven though seats aren't assigned it's kind of understood that "Old Jim" and his buddies always eat at the table closest to the door.

    Well Grandma wasn't hearing that and decided to be a rebel and settle herself right in at Old Jim's table even though an aide who saw her headed that way asked Grandma to "please find another seat because Old Jim can be nasty."

    Grandma was like, "I SIT WHERE I WANT! THIS IS AMERICA! HOME OF THE FREE! I'M FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT" :rofl:

    Well, apparently Old Jim and Grandma started bickering and it got pretty heated and they both were put in "time out". (By which I mean they both had to leave the table and find a new place to sit).

    The next day, Old Jim was back at "his" table and Grandma was angry because her roommate decided to sit at Old Jim's table and Jim was fine with that and the two were talking.

    Grandma got mad AGAIN and her, Old Jim AND roommate got into it because Grandma felt like her roommate was "taking sides"!" :lol:

    Now when I visit if Old Jim walks by, he and Grandma kinda turn their noses up at each other and look the other way.
     
  12. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    Jun 22, 2013

    Oh my. My mother was in an assisted living center, and it too, sounded like high school. My mom had a boyfriend for a while. She was always telling me how the other women where trying to steal her boyfriend. I had to finally move my mother out.
     
  13. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Jun 22, 2013

    You may be able to be friends with both, but make it clear you are not choosing. I would not try to reconcile them.

    If you made plans to meet A at the pool, she has a right to be upset that you then agreed B should save you a chair and you sat with her.
     

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