Devastated

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by StarsofTommorow, Nov 5, 2014.

  1. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Long story short. Got out of an abusive relationship 6 months ago. Constantly called names, belittled, accused of cheating. Toxic. We'll now my ex is in a new relationship with a separated/married woman and told me that she was his best friend. I went through hell and back dealing with his issues and trying to prove how much I love him. I am so hurt and life sucks. Also he gave no care about how my new job was going, my health condition, nothing. How could a guy be loyal to a married woman but accuse and beat me and show no remorse? Don't think I will ever trust men again.
     
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  3. kaytea1203

    kaytea1203 Rookie

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    No advice, but hugs and warm thoughts sent your way
    :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  4. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Thanks. This just is devastating. It really is.
     
  5. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Feel bad for the other woman and praise yourself for being removed. Take yourself out for a special treat to remind yourself that you're worth it. That's how I handled a similar situation / feeling. It took quite a few treats and time with positive friends, but it eventually worked.
     
  6. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Many, many :hugs: I don't have any advice, but just know what I'm thinking of you!
     
  7. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Thanks. I definitely need to do something like a women's group, spa, exercise, in addition to work. Abused, constantly accused of being unfaithful, then they pull a run to a married chick. It's almost like killing your emotional being. I will just have it really know God has and reason and purpose for me.
     
  8. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    Do you really think he is going to be loyal to this woman? If so, I'm going to ask what you are smokin'!

    Of course he told you this. It is just a way to continue to abuse you because he know he can.

    Cut him out of your life completely. Unless there is some reason you haven't shared to still have him in your life in any way, kick him to the curb. Don't answer his texts, e-mails, fb messages, or however else he is getting in touch with you. Otherwise, you are enabling him to abuse you more.

    Hugs to you. I hope you have the strength to see this what it is and realize, it really is over.
     
  9. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    This is what I was going to say. I was curious why you are still contacting the jerk.
     
  10. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Hadn't talked with him since august. Got drunk and called. Stupid. Still he could care less and I feel like such a loser that he beat me but loves her when she is the true whore married but he blamed her husband not her. My how life is. Will not contact again. Will no drink out of depression again. Thinking of getting back into church, exercise, things like that. Didn't want him just thought he'd be remorseful. Oh we'll.
     
  11. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    She might have heard about it from others. That's how I found out my mentally abusive ex-BF was engaged. It still shook me to the core, but in a couple of days (and with the help of friends), I remembered that it was a GOOD thing that he was marrying anyone but me. They wound up divorcing within a year, if memory serves.

    ETA: Seeing that wasn't the case. PLEASE put your phone as far away from you as possible when you're drinking.
     
  12. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    No ties I'm actually glad God carried me because I have no doubt I would have been in a fatal situation one day. And I think my career would have tanked. If I got pregnant I would have probably lost the kid due to stress and it would have been hell. I think God wanted me to relocate, got a new job, my own money. He was envious about me being independent.
     
  13. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Thanks for sharing your story. He doesn't have my num. I blocked the number. Glad I did. Stupid stupid. Oh well. Hands completely washed. He is Sadistic and I am sad his amazing parents have such a devil for a son. Would have loved for them to be my in laws but thank god the wedding happen though. :)
     
  14. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    Didn't we have this conversation at the beginning of the school year? Seemed, then, that you would make all the dirty laundry public, but you were still in contact then, fighting over money. This all seems pretty familiar. May I respectfully suggest that you use the health benefits you have or will be receiving to get some therapy? That really is where this belongs.
     
  15. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    I go next week.
     
  16. kaytea1203

    kaytea1203 Rookie

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    Good luck :)
     
  17. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Thanks. Wonder what sucked so much about me and not the married chick.
     
  18. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    But I will be a fighter and being positive.
     
  19. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Be glad you're finally done w/ that whole ordeal. I don't know why men act in these ways. Either he has really changed & told himself he'll treat future women better (probably slim chance) OR him & her are still in the "honeymoon phase" & his true colors will come out soon. Either way, he's her problem now & who cares.

    You're onto bigger & better things! :thumb:
     
  20. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Thanks you guys. :)
     
  21. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Nothing..absolutely nothing sucked about you. It is all about him and his low self-esteem and self-worth. And that woman will find out soon enough the type of man your ex really is. You are strong. You do not need to talk to him anymore, at all...about anything. He is with this woman because he can control her. He can't control you anymore. Don't let him.
     
  22. Bella2010

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    No advice, just sending hugs your way. :hugs:
     
  23. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Yeah she was having problems, willing to leave her husband and cheat, move in with him, just low self-esteem. I think I was not in a bad of a position when we met...but he was so envious of me being in school, getting a degree. I thank god I am independent and don't need any man. I learned I need to prove myself and be abused by no man verbally or physically. That man is a sociopath. He can have her and she him.
     
  24. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Stop focusing on this woman and start focusing on yourself.
     
  25. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Yeah.
     
  26. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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  27. AdamnJakesMommy

    AdamnJakesMommy Habitué

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    OP, I agree totally with this statement here. Some people are sadistic though, and get pleasure out of torturing others. Sounds like your ex may be one of those people. He might've thoroughly enjoyed berating and emotionally abusing you (which is why he didn't leave, because let's face it if he didn't want to be with you, he would've left much much sooner). One of two things will happen, he will slip back into this behavior with the new woman and she will endure what you did (as long as she tolerates it like you did) OR he will slip back into this behavior with the new woman and she won't take his crap and leave him. I think it is terribly unlikely without counseling that he just decided to be a better person. That is evident by his jerkishness on the phone with you, if he were committed to being a better person he would've been apologetic to you, not a jerk.

    This dweeb does NOT deserve one more second of your time. I know that is easier said then done, but your goal should not be to compare yourself to the new woman (who will be treated like crap too), but to heal yourself so that the next time you find yourself with a gentlemen who loves you and doesn't get jollies from your suffering. You have to be together mentally and emotionally for that to happen.
     
  28. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    There is nothing about his bad behavior that reflects on you. Only your own actions reflect on you. Think about that and make sure your actions say what you really mean and demonstrate your character.
     
  29. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    You should delete his number from your phone... in fact, in your case, you may even want to get a new number so that he cannot contact you. Also delete him from Facebook, etc if you haven't already.
     
  30. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Why thank you & I totally agree w/ you as well! :thumb:

    Yes, do this too!
     
  31. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    Thanks chicks I really appreciate it! I got my health,career, teeth,not being abused or feeling hopeless. Will work on me and not slip up. Somepnes ignorance is not my issue. Beautiful women from all walks of life deal with it.could have been fatal, divorce, or kids. So Many women have strength in way worse situation. I know I can keep it,up.
     
  32. Securis

    Securis Cohort

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    Please don't blame all men for the actions of one person. You can not live your life in a healthy way without trusting others and there is no permanent bubble where you can retreat to avoid men forever. It has been said that the best 'revenge' after having lived through such troubled times is to live one's life well. No one deserves to be mistreated and I hope that your life improves quickly.
     
  33. Ms. I

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    StarsofTommorow, so you got out of this relationship 6 mos ago. Treat yourself to some treats, if you haven't already! :D How about:

    - pampering yourself w/ a new hairstyle &/or nails done at the beauty shop
    - buy a little mini wardrobe & get fresh fashion styles that you may not have normally worn before...try something different!
    - do you have any pets? If not, get a new puppy or kitten. They definitely help add joy to one's life! That's why they say having pets help you live longer.
    - can you go on a little trip somewhere w/ a couple friends or family members? Even a little weekend getaway or day trip t the least to forget your problems for a while
    - rejuvenate yourself: join a gym, try out a new yoga class, get a massage, etc.
    - dine at a new restaurant

    There's times in our lives when we have to treat ourselves & being in such a bad relationship as you were definitely calls for that!
     
  34. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    One last thing to consider, Star - that booze that you were concerned about a parent seeing you with - I would put that stuff out of the house and stay sober. If the first thing you do when drunk is reach out to someone you feel lucky to have escaped then I know you would be better off without alcohol until you can get some serious help. I say this to help you because I don't think you can help yourself yet. The side benefit is that you won't have to worry that someone will see you buying liquor, so one less thing to worry about. I am not saying you can never drink again, although there is nothing wrong with that, but I do think that whatever makes you "devastated" from the most recent call is an indication that you are not well yet. It takes time and therapy to remake your personality so that you REALLY are strong enough to identify what would make you care what happens to the abuser, let alone reach out to him. I hope your therapy helps - it won't be two visits and you're cured, but more like a lot of time and effort. Be honest with your therapist, be honest with yourself, though, and you will have the adventure of rediscovering yourself.
     
  35. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    I think you got a lot of good advice and probably already knew what to do but just needed reassurance. This too shall pass and just think of all the wonderful men you have the opportunity to meet now that this "dweeb" (love that term from another poster) is gone. Wash that man out of your hair and send him on his way!
     
  36. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    My husband of 12 years was verbally abusive. We've been divorced a little over two years. At first I let him keep contacting me. It ended up being just as bad as being married.

    He's blocked on my home phone, cell phone, Twitter, Facebook, and email. We live in different towns. I've told people who know us both not to tell me things about him.

    I'm so much happier, and I even started dating back in the summer.
     
  37. StarsofTommorow

    StarsofTommorow Companion

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    I have been happier. It's just weird how we react sometimes. I am sorry to hear that. Funny thing is I have coworkers who just a few years ago got divorced and had a kid. They are the happiest people at work and even have moved on with different relationships. I am not ready, maybe within the next year. Need to get my spiritual relationship, healthy coping strategies, settled into new relocation, all that good stuff before moving on.

    Such valuable advice. :)
     
  38. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    I also agree with this.

    I recently read a book about addiction (not saying you are addicted to alcohol). It discussed drugs, alcohol, and other addictions in terms of what different substances or actions do to brain chemicals. The difficult part for some people when they do drink, especially to help them feel better, is that it plays havoc with brain chemicals. While alcohol is a depressant, it also makes the brain produce different chemicals which then makes you feel good. The surge of chemicals then starts to be expected by the brain and be desired by the brain. It also impacts your brain function when you are without your vice. You would think with alcohol being a depressant that you would be happier without it, but the opposite is often the case.

    So, with emotional turmoil to deal with, avoiding alcohol and getting yourself on a good path with therapy is probably the best choice. If you find that you do want something to take the emotional edge off, then you really need to talk to your therapist more because you are looking for your brain chemicals to get a boost.
     
  39. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Date yourself before you date others. :D
     

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