Curious--Who pays for the wedding?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by chemteach55, Jan 26, 2013.

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  1. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I was reading other posts about weddings and am curious--who is paying? My daughter got married in November and wanted a "princess Wedding" and I think that she got her wish. Her day set my hubby and I back about $30,000. She got what she wanted and she was so happy. When my hubby and I got married 26 years ago, there was no question that my parents were paying for it. When my daughter announced her engagement, there was no question that we were paying for it. In talking with others, it seems that my husband and I are in the minority because it seems that fewer parents are paying and more couples are contributing to their own wedding. Who payed for your wedding?
     
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  3. dgpiaffeteach

    dgpiaffeteach Aficionado

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    I haven't gotten married yet but my parents have already said they will give me a set amount (fairly substantial) and that will be their contribution. It will likely cover our (huge) wedding.

    BF's family will be expected to pay for the million relatives they seem to have...
     
  4. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    My parents paid for the wedding, his for the rehearsal dinner.
     
  5. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    Typically the bride's family pays for the wedding and the reception. The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

    In my hubby and I contributed to the reception because I knew my parents didn't have a lot of money, and financially I was in a much better situation than they were. However, I did things relatively inexpensively, gown off the rack, inexpensive all-inclusive reception hall that provided meal, drinks, invitations, cake, staff, etc for a per person price with a minimum number of people. That worked well because the reception was a good size reception. Even if we had the reception in a church hall, by the time the drinks, meal, cake, decorations, invitations, etc were purchased, it would have run about the same amount.

    Things are changing because expectations have changed. Now I know many parents that set aside a reasonable amount and tell the kids if you want more, you come up with the rest. I see nothing wrong with that because parents used to throw the reception and provide the wedding. It eventually has become an all about the bride instead an all about the marriage. The focus has become the party and the dress and the dream wedding instead of the marriage. Some brides, in my opinion, become very selfish. Media feeds on this too.
     
  6. stampin'teacher

    stampin'teacher Cohort

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    I think in these times many people still follow the traditional "bride's parents pay for the wedding," but it's not necessarily the norm anymore for many reasons.

    I know my parents contributed to our wedding, but they by no means paid for it all. My husband and I did. I never expected my parents to shell out all the money for such a big day, but was super appreciative for all they did contribute.
     
  7. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    My Purchases
    • bridesmaid dresses
    • flower girl dress
    • jewelry, shoes, hosiery for bridesmaids & flower girl
    • my manicure & hair stylist
    • programs
    • decorations for reception
    • my jewelry & shoes

    My Parents
    • reception catering & cake
    • my dress
    • flowers
    • wedding director
    • invitations
    • videographer
    • photographer

    In-Laws
    • tuxes for guys
    • rehearsal dinner
    • honeymoon

    It was between $8000-10,000 for everything. The church and reception hall were free. It was mid afternoon, so finger food snacks, no meal. No alcohol. No music at reception. No dancing. ( very conservative area)
     
  8. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Jan 26, 2013

    This is how it was when I got married 10 years ago. I have heard that the groom is also supposed to pay for the honeymoon, but I don't know how often that happens. It didn't happen for me...until 9 years after our wedding day!
     
  9. MsG

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    :yeahthat:
    I'm not married, but if I do get married, my parents have a set amount they will provide. If I spend more, it will be up to me to handle it.
     
  10. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Let me add that I was a 30 year old homeowner when I got married. I did not expect my parents to pay for anything. They offered to do the things they did.
     
  11. Kat53

    Kat53 Devotee

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I've found it also depends on the age of the couple getting married. Couples that are already established in their careers and have already set up their homes tend to contribute more to the wedding. If I were to get married my parents would probably contribute something, but I would expect to pay for the majority of it myself.
    My sweetie niece (20 years old) got married last year and her parents paid for it. Grooms parents paid for rehearsal dinner.
     
  12. FarFromHome

    FarFromHome Connoisseur

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    My parents paid for my wedding and the total cost was under $10,000. A big reason they paid for everything is because I was only 22 (hadn't graduated college yet) and my husband was 20. If we were older and had our own incomes, then my family probably would not have paid for everything. We would have helped with cost.
     
  13. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

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    I'm not married, but my parents didn't pay for a penny of my college, so I am not expecting anything for a wedding, either. My sister is married. She got married in Jamaica at an all inclusive resort. Which means we all paid for the wedding :tired:
     
  14. Chrissteeena

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    Julius and I have 9,000 saved for the wedding
    My parents are giving us 3,000
    His parents said they won't do anything.
     
  15. BumbleB

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    I would never expect my parents to pay for my wedding. They are in no position to (financially) and I just think it's a silly outdated tradition that has absolutely no purpose or need. I plan on having a very small, non-traditional wedding when I do get married...so it won't cost me much anyways.
     
  16. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Well, my honeymoon was almost 23 yrs ago. I don't remember how we paid for the honeymoon. I'm guessing DH did. I think we had traveler's checks in his name because I was changing my name & wouldn't have had ID in my new name.
     
  17. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    My parents paid 29 years ago. Son got married this year. We did rehearsal, flowers, table centerpieces and other decor at wedding.
     
  18. DrivingPigeon

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    :dizzy: :eek: :confused:

    YIKES!

    As a bride-to-be, I have to admit that this thread is incredibly shocking!!!

    My fiance and I are adults with careers, so there hasn't been any discussion about who is paying for the wedding-WE are. We're estimating that it will probably cost around $20,000 when all is said and done, and, as of right now, we're paying for everything. My mom bought my veil, which was $100. My dad mentioned that he might be able to give us $2,000. My fiance's parents haven't mentioned anything.

    Maybe it's a regional thing? I live in the midwest, and I have never heard of the bride's parents covering the entire cost of the wedding...All of my friends who have gotten married have paid for almost everything themselves. I thought those traditions were outdated...I couldn't even imagine asking my parents for a check. :lol:
     
  19. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    This is pretty much how my daughter's wedding was done--we paid for church, reception, cake, engagement party, dress, bridal luncheon, photographer, and her husband's family paid for rehearsal, flowers, etc for reception. Several other parties were given by family and friends.
     
  20. Em_Catz

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    My fiance's parents have not offered a dime or to help with other non-monetary stuff (ie: being on the after wedding clean-up crew, transporting flowers to the venue, giving elderly relatives a ride to the wedding, etc)

    My parents are struggling to pay for the venue and food while my fiance and I are picking up the smaller stuff, the photographer and D.J.

    I think that if the groom's parents cannot offer financial assistance, they should help out with other stuff but that's just me I guess.
     
  21. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    My hoosband and I paid a little for ours, but we were super broke at the time so my parents chipped in. Our whole wedding, including food and everything, cost well under $2,000 for 40 or so guests. My family chipped in a lot in non-monetary ways, and it helped. For example, my cousin belongs to a tribe that is known for its salmon fishing. He gave us a ton of fresh-caught salmon as his wedding gift to us, which my family cooked and served at the wedding. We bought flowers at the market in Seattle on the morning of the wedding, and my aunties all got together and made bouquets. One of my aunts made my wedding dress as her gift to me. My uncle made a few kinds of beer using things (coriander, etc.) from my mom's garden. Other family members helped in other ways, and I appreciated every single thing. Every part of our wedding was personalized and very special to me.
     
  22. MissCeliaB

    MissCeliaB Aficionado

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    Ours cost about $75, including license, my dress, and our lunch. I think I covered the whole thing.
     
  23. lnm130

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    I am getting married in 4 months.

    Mom - church, and part of dress
    Dad - food and hall
    His parents - bar and rehearsal dinner

    Everything else is left to us. We went into this not expecting any money from parents. We're going to be sitting at about 10-12,000 when we're all said and done (mom, dad, future in laws, and ourselves combined). We are having a 'small' wedding of 165 guests.
     
  24. JustMe

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    My parents would not have a contributed a penny to our wedding but that's mostly because they don't have money to spare. But it's also just a different opinion about responsibilities...they were never the kind to pay for things like clothing, specific toiletries, cars, gas, insurance, and so forth past fifteen.

    We didn't have a wedding, but no money was given to pay for the marriage/honeymoon. Totall okay and not expected.

    Even if my parents had money, I would never in a million years expect for them to pay for a wedding that could buy a nice car or even a home in some cases. Never, ever.
     
  25. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    I just want to make something clear--We did this wedding because we wanted to and could afford to not because my daughter "expected" it. The wedding was a luxury and we helped them get started in life in other ways. My daughter is also a teacher and lived at home the first 2 years that she taught. She did not pay for anything-we continued to totally support her as we had in college. The only stipulation was that she had to save the money that she was not paying to live and so she was able to save up a nice down payment for the house they purchased right before the wedding. Her husband also lived at home until they purchased their house right before the wedding.

    I am really shocked though as to how many of the bride's parents do not take on the cost. There was never even a discussion as to who was paying for what for the wedding with my daughter, her husband, or his parents. We all knew what we were paying for when she got her engagement ring.
     
  26. Missy

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    When we got married thirty years ago, our families each gave $500. (all they could afford) and my husband and I paid the rest. We were both just out of school, but had known for some time we would be getting married and saved as much as we could ahead of time.

    Our daughters are in their mid-twenties, and if they marry we would be thrilled to help them have a reasonable wedding. One is very frugal, and I am guessing she will prefer a small wedding and maybe some help with a house.
     
  27. MissCeliaB

    MissCeliaB Aficionado

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    When my sister and her husband got married, they paid for the wedding and the reception, and the rehearsal dinner. Her mom had the rehearsal dinner at her house. My mom (her ex-stepmom) provided some of the decorations and an ice sculpture. Our dad had a friend who did the photography and handled the tip for the ministers. His family wanted them to also have an Indian ceremony, and they paid for most of that, though much of it was done by extended families.

    If we would have done a wedding, I know my family would have wanted to help pay for it, but my hubby's family can't afford to pay for anything (in fact, we help them pay some of their bills) so it would have been awkward. We plan to have a celebration of marriage maybe for our 10th anniversary. When I see huge elaborate weddings, even when the people can afford them without going into debt, I just can't help but think about the waste. A fun celebration of a marriage doesn't have to include every new trend and thing.
     
  28. knitter63

    knitter63 Groupie

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    When my husband and I got married 26 years ago, my parents paid for the wedding, and my inlaws paid for the rehearsal dinner. Our wedding probably cost no more than 2000.00. We kept it small, under 120 people, and I wore my mother's wedding gown. (I wanted to). The reception was at a local hotel's banquet room and we got the honeymoon suite for free that night! My in laws had a pizza rehearsal dinner at their house which was wonderful. Very casual, and everyone was having a good time. I found friends who did flowers and a dear friend made my wedding cake. (she just made my 25th anniversary cake last year as well). We didn't take a honeymoon, because my husband was being deployed to Germany two days after the wedding, but I would NEVER expect anyone else to pay for that.
    I am not sure why weddings have become so expensive. I agree with another poster-it seems to have become about the wedding, not about the marriage.
     
  29. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    My dad has indicated he'll pay for everything when we get married.

    So he'll be paying for a backyard barbecue with just our closest family and friends present. I'm talking maybe - maybe - 15 people. And Dad will be the Grill Master.

    The wedding I enjoyed the most was a hurry-up-deployment wedding. The day before, everyone got together and decorated the hall. The morning of, we spent about an hour clipping hibiscus and bougainvillea (and then all of the thorns) from various backyards for bouquets. Everyone brought a covered dish the day of. Super low key and a lot of fun.
     
  30. TeacherNY

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    My parents paid for everything except I thing I paid for the photographer and some small things. In my family (in my experience with having older cousins) it is just the duty of the parents. There is really no discussion of money. I think if they did t have the money they probably took out loans or something because lavish weddings are just the norm for us. Out of all 12 of us cousins I think me and my siblings had the most conservative weddings because our parents could only afford so much but they did the best they could and we supplimented here and there.
     
  31. DrivingPigeon

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    Again, I'm really surprised, because I had never heard of this tradition before. I think it may be a regional thing.

    For me, my parents paying for the wedding is not even an option. They simply do not have the money. My parents are divorced, but they probably make a combined total of $90,000 per year, have a significant amount of debt, and are approaching retirement age. My fiance and I make around $120,000 combined, own a home, and our only debt is my student loans. Most of our wedding is paid for already, and we will definitely NOT be taking out loans! We're able to pay for everything, while keeping our savings account fully funded.

    I have been buying my own clothes, toiletries, etc. since the age of 16. I walked to work, and got a ride to school until I could afford my first car at age 19. I worked 2-3 jobs throughout college to support myself, while taking out loans to pay for my education. You know how many college kids have their parents come and visit and fill their fridge? My parents have never bought me groceries, paid a cell phone bill, paid for car insurance, etc. They just couldn't afford to, so I had to do it all on my own.

    So, when I got engaged a few months ago, I did not expect anything. I was shocked when my mom bought my $100 veil! When my dad told us at Christmas that he would pitch in $2,000, my fiance and I didn't even want to take it, because we know he can't afford it.

    I guess it depends on everyone's financial situation. My parents have "blue collar" jobs, and have not been financially responsible throughout the years.
     
  32. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    Thinking back, I think my parents planned on paying for my wedding so they had me pay for college and even my first car. I guess it all evens out in the end!
     
  33. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    My parents never paid for anything. I didn't have a "college" fund or a "car" fund or a "wedding" fund. I paid for college, paid for my car, and for my wedding. They did, as a "wedding gift" pay for our ski lift tickets!
     
  34. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    I think it's silly and old fashioned to assume the bride's parents pay for everything. I think it's just as silly and old fashioned to expect the bride to change her last name. Or any other weird old tradition that only barely made sense hundreds of years ago.

    We don't live in the 1800's anymore.:dizzy:
     
  35. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

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    This is me.

    My parents divorced when I was 5. My mom made less than 15K a year the first few years they were divorced. My dad is now retired (had to retire early due to his shoulders), and my mom and step dad both work retail. Combined (all 3), they make less than 100K per year. Add in some mortgages, car payments, etc..., and there is no way they could ever afford to pay.
    It it was a small local wedding, my mom and aunt could cater it themselves. But that is all I could expect.
     
  36. Rebel1

    Rebel1 Connoisseur

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    In this American culture, is it the girl's family that is supposed to pay for the wedding?
    My wedding was paid for by Auntie and Uncle whom I was living with, and my Big brother who lived in another state paid for my dress; which was less than $100 at some cool little place I found. The decorations and flowers were done by one of my Dad's cousins, who owned a flower shop; free. The ceremony was free at my church, with all the help free of charge. The reception was done at a lodge, all you can eat, and there was so MUCH food! Auntie and Uncle paid for this. All that hubby's family did was show up, enjoy, and eat. I don't think they paid for anything at all. Were they supposed to pay for something; in the American culture?
    There was no rehearsal dinner, because hubby's family had to travel from other states. My parents were far away in another country, so Auntie, who was my Dad's favorite sister took care of everything without any complaining or hesitation. She's the coolest Auntie, ever!
    Rebel1
     
  37. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    We paid for most things in our wedding, though we did he some help from my wife's parents. I know my parents paid for very little for my sister's wedding, mostly because they simply don't have the funds. It was never an issue at all.
     
  38. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    chemteach~I understand where you're coming from. I hope that when the time comes, my hubs and I are able to help my daughter out as much as we can with transportation, college, and beginning her life so that she's not starting her adult life in debt and can focus on saving for the long term.
     
  39. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    I definitely do not think that her large elaborate wedding was a waste. We are from New Orleans and love to throw parties for families and friends. She was a princess for a day and it cost us a fortune but I would not change a thing about that. The wedding did not put us in debt and the couple is living in a very nice starter home and both drive very nice cars. That never was my point, I am simply surprised at how many parents do not pay for a daughter's wedding any longer when just 20 years ago, there was no question about who paid.

    I would do it all again and probably will one day since I have another daughter.
     
  40. JustMe

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    Jan 27, 2013

    Please read this in a non-snotty way. :p

    But it seems as though your daughter did expect it...maybe assumed would be a better word choice. You said there was never even a discussion about it and you can't believe how many brides had families who didn't pay.

    My dad and stepmom make well under $20,000 combined farming. Like, closer to $10,000. My mom and stepdad earn more, but Mom is disabled and they need their income for living purposes. And for paying medical bills that never seem to go away. My family isn't the only one who can't spend over a year's salary on a wedding.

    But again, even if my parents were in a completely different financial situation, I just can't imagine having a wedding that cost a great deal of money and having others pay for it (and my husband and I wouldn't have pay for it either). It's just a difference of opinion and personality. Your way wasn't wrong for you all..it just would have not been our route.

    On another note, if I had children, I would help them pay for things like clothing, transportation, college, and so forth. Help...not pay for things entirely, and not make sure they have they very best of everything. I do think I had to struggle more than the average teen and young adult and while I absolutely learned from it all, I wouldn't want my children to be so consumed with money worries at such a young age.

    I agree.
     
  41. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    I happen to like silly and old fashioned. I guess my daughter is silly and old fashioned also because she changed her name on Facebook on the way to the hotel from the wedding reception. Her students also call her by her married name in the classroom. If we had lived in the 1800's then the wedding would not have cost as much as it did.
     
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