Cover letter advice - Does this have the "oomph" in it?

Discussion in 'Job Seekers' started by angeltosoldiers, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. angeltosoldiers

    angeltosoldiers Rookie

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    Jul 6, 2010

    Here is a new version of my cover letter. I tried to put me into the letter so that it would have that oomph factor. I did this quickly so I know there are some grammar mistakes but I want your opinion if the cover letter is attractive as in what I am saying.

    Dear Prospective Employer,

    I am applying for the first grade elementary position as advertised through the school district’s web site. I have six years experience working with children of all ages in which I have taught all the basic subjects. I have a Masters of Elementary Education degree and I am licensed to teach Pre-K through 5.

    I am a dedicated teacher who uses different instructional techniques to reach all my students. I also use different assessments to monitor each student’s progress. In order to make sure my students succeed, I provided after-school tutoring to help them comprehend the material.

    As a student teacher, I created unique and interesting lessons to reach all of my students. One unique lesson I had created was a math lesson that incorporated a token economy. In this lesson the students would earn money to buy pencils, crayons, erasers, and other items. On Fridays, students would go shopping. However, in order to buy the desired items the students had to count out the money to me. When Friday came around, the students were excited about going shopping and they were ready to count out the money because they had counted their money every day. .

    My proudest moment as a student teacher was when a low-level reader, Ja’Von, made improvements in his reading. Due to the fact that Ja’Von was a low-level reader, Ja’Von never wanted to read. To help him become a better reader, I would tutor him after school. When Ja’Von lost his tooth I read Junie B., First Grader: Toothless Wonder to the class and it was then that Ja’Von became interested in reading. He was able to identify with a student losing her tooth and that connection made him take out all of the Junie B Jones’ books. He would read these books during his spare time and he would read the books aloud to me. By the time I was done with my student teaching, he would read aloud in class and he was no longer a low-level reader. Ja’Von had become an on-level reader.

    In closing, I have attached my resume and would welcome the opportunity to meet with you to further discuss why I believe I would be a great addition to your school. I invite you to contact me at XXX-XXX-XXXX or at email , at your earliest convenience. Thank you.
     
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  3. kassrose

    kassrose Companion

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    Jul 6, 2010

    I would delete the whole math paragraph. The paragraph on Ja'Von is much more compelling.
     
  4. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Jul 6, 2010

    It's still wordy. I agree with kassrose that the Ja'Von anecdote is the best part.

    You don't need to tell the school that this opening has been advertised on the school district Web site, nor do you need to specify your degree and license since that information is on the resume you're attaching.
     
  5. SwOcean Gal

    SwOcean Gal Devotee

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    I think I would get rid of that entire first paragraph. Personally, I do not like the "basic subjects." That could be just me though.
    In the second paragraph you have different twice- I would try a new word instead of using it twice.
    Definitely agree you should get rid of the math paragraph, you can talk about that in an interview and get that across better in person. It is good for an interview.
    This is good. Way better. I think it has the oomph now! I think this is it with those minor changes and some more careful proof-reading. Nice!
    The Ja’Von paragraph is perfect! I love it!
     
  6. ms.

    ms. Comrade

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    Jul 6, 2010

    In the third paragraph I wouldn't use unique twice. Perhaps you could substitute a word like creative lesson, or active learning lesson. Just a quick question: did you make-up the name Ja’Von? I always use different names, to honor student privacy.

    I really like the letter! :D
     
  7. MrsHoot

    MrsHoot Comrade

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    Jul 6, 2010

    Agree with taking out the math paragraph. Also the second paragraph where you say you use different instructional techniques-- could put in a specific example or two here? It would be a good place to insert a few buzz words to connect with what the district is looking for.
     
  8. newbeeteacher

    newbeeteacher Rookie

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    I agree with ms. about maybe student privacy. Can you imagine if the principal or AP knows Ja'Von or is the parent of Ja'Von? Change the child's name to something less identifiable or say that you will call him Bill for his privacy... :)
     
  9. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I agree-- the part about Ja'Von is wonderful!

    If that is his real name, change it. If he googles himself, we don't want him finding your cover letter. If you're ever asked about it in an interview, you can always explain it.

    As to the token economy: if you're going to keep it, you may want to mention the grade that the kids were.

    I agree with TeacherGroupie-- don't be so very specific as to which opening you're applying for. (And, by the way, you're sending this to EVERY local district, opening or not, right??????)

    But I think you've got good bones here. Now tidy it up and SEND IT OUT!!!
     
  10. angeltosoldiers

    angeltosoldiers Rookie

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    Thanks all! Yes, Ja'Von is not the student's real name. I did change it because of the privacy issue. Now, I just need to tidy it up and it should be good to go.
     
  11. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Then I would change it to something less ethnic, like James.
     
  12. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    I don't know that being specific about the opening is so bad (it isn't that hard to customize that for each opening) - what I was objecting to was telling the district where it was advertising its opening.
     
  13. angeltosoldiers

    angeltosoldiers Rookie

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    I don't know why I used the name Ja'Von. I think it is because my class was full of students with unique names. Instead of using a fake name, can I just say 'a student'?
     
  14. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I would go with a name, just not that unique a name.

    It personalizes the story so much more.
     
  15. ms.

    ms. Comrade

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    Jul 7, 2010

    Ja'Von is fine in my opinion. However I think a student would be ok as well.

    edited to add: Now that I think about it, a less unique name might be safer. I used the name "Ron" in my letter! :D
     

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