Changes at my Parents' House

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms. I, Mar 9, 2014.

  1. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    So my parents are MUCH older than the parents of most people my age. I'm an only child, so when things happen with them, it's all on me. (Not complaining, just saying how things are.)

    So the last couple months, my dad started falling more lately. My mom took him to the ER to have tests done. He's good. Things just happen due to old age. He stayed in the hospital for a couple nights, then to a care facility for a couple weeks where he worked with a physical therapist. He's been back home for about 2 wks now.

    My parents live in a 2-story house & my dad's been staying/sleeping downstairs. My mom's getting used to the new routine of caring for him. I still come on some Sundays to watch him while my mom goes to church. He's got Alzheimer's too, but still talks with good sense on many days, so he' not totally out of it.

    This is a different feeling for me (& I'm sure my mom as well) to see him so fragile.
     
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  3. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    It's hard watching our parents age. My dad is becoming forgetful. Be thankful that you are close. Depending on where my parents are I'm at least a 12 hour drive away. If they are at their winter home, it's about a 3 or 4 hour direct flight.
     
  4. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Ms.I hugs... it's hard to see them age my parents are still active and younger than your parents! But it's hard to watch my gparents all age! I only have one left...we just moved her to an assisted living place. Close to us & her friends, but needs 24 hr care that fam members just can't do on our own!
     
  5. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    My g-ma had Alzheimers. It was so hard seeing her struggle, and it was hard on my mom also. She has two brothers, but they only helped out when it was convenient for them. :rolleyes: Our state has a respite care giver program. Our state has a contract of sorts with some home health agencies. A CNA would come in for I think it was like a max of 10-15 hours a week to give caregivers a break. Maybe something your state has something like that?

    Big hugs, Ms. I.

    Beth
     
  6. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Bella our county has a great Sr program... they even have a facility where you can do like an elder day care so if care givers have errands & appts.
    You should check into that.....
     
  7. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Thanks guys for the kind words! My mom is going to look to see if there's a way if her and/or I could get compensated for providing care. My dad doesn't need to be put in a nursing home yet, but my mom said when she gets to the point when she can't do it anymore, she will have to.

    He stays downstairs & sits in a wheelchair when he's not laying down. He walks so-so, but needs a walker and another person close-by walking alongside usually.
     
  8. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    Why would you be compensated? What am I missing.
     
  9. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    This.

    Sorry, Ms. I...it's hard emotionally and otherwise.
     
  10. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    I would not count on that. I think if your parents wanted to pay you but not your mom. I may be wrong.

    Be careful with their money giving though...things will catch up if they apply for medicare (I think).
     
  11. Proud2BATeacher

    Proud2BATeacher Phenom

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    Does your mom work Ms. I? I'm not sure if your mom would get compensated unless she has to leave her job to care for your father full time.
     
  12. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Sorry, not trying to make it sound like we're money-hungry. My mom's been retired from a school district since 2011. (She wasn't a teacher.) She just figures since she's her husband's sole provider, she might as well try to get compensated for it like some others who are the caregivers of their loved ones.

    Anyway, thanks again for the comments.
     
  13. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    My opinion: Spouses or significant others are to love and care for one another. For free.
     
  14. sue35

    sue35 Habitué

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    This is not uncommon in other countries so I can see why Ms. I's mom wants to see it she can get compensated. I know a couple people in the UK who get paid to be their sig. other's caretaker. So it is not so unheard of.

    My parents, especially my mom, are much older than other parents with kids my age so I know how hard it is Ms. I. My thoughts are with you
     
  15. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    sue35, I'm glad someone out there understands. Of course my mom loves my dad...they've been married for 41 yrs...never had any other spouses. She has been working very hard taking care of him for years already. He's been a cancer survivor as well & been in remission for quite a # of yrs now. He's also had 2 back surgeries & has glaucoma. He's pretty much blind in one eye. Believe it or not, at his age, the only meds he takes are his eyedrop medications. My mom's never been paid for taking care of him before, so if anyone's going to get paid for taking care of him, I'd rather my mom get paid for it than some stranger at a nursing home (who's only doing it because that's their job). My mom could have done like many other spouses & put him in a nursing home because she's too old herself or didn't want to be bothered, but she didn't & doesn't plan to unless it's absolutely necessary.
     
  16. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    I guess most people on this board do not understand being compensated for taking care of your own family is because it isn't done in this country. The best you could have done was purchase and maintain specific insurance to help cover the cost of care of the loved one. It is pricey to have and carry, but it used to be a good way to plan for the future. It isn't so much anymore.

    I think the confusion came because what you were suggesting just isn't something that is done in this country.
     
  17. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    I've never heard of family members being paid to care for family. I had no idea it was done in other countries.
     
  18. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Ms. I, I'm not trying to come down on you. I just think it seems almost cold to seek compensation to care for your loved one when you are retired and he is, sadly, at the age where health become fragile.
     
  19. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    This. I've never heard of this..and truthfully, if it existed it would either come out of health insurance (which is quite the mess these days as is:eek:) or a government program (which would just mean increased taxes for everyone...)

    Best wishes to your family, Ms I...this is a difficult phase of life.:love:
     
  20. amakaye

    amakaye Enthusiast

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    I'm confused and curious--who would compensate your mother? I just can't wrap my head around where the money would come from...
     
  21. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    I'm sorry for the difficult time for your family. I cared for my dying mother while my children were very young, and I know how wrenching it can be. Best wishes.
     
  22. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    This is a tough time, Ms. I. Hugs.
     
  23. bros

    bros Phenom

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    I've heard of it on a board I frequent - the guy takes care of his grandparents, his grandmother who has dementia and his grandfather who just needs some help getting around & being driven to doctor's appointments. The guy lives with them and got paid around $300 by the state (It's some kind of Eldercare recompense, the money goes to whoever is taking care of the elderly individual while keeping them in their home. The benefit only lasts like a few months, though) a month, then around $800 a month from a trust the grandfather set up with most of their assets when his wife began to decline. The person lives in the US, too.
     
  24. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Thanks again for the kind words.

    I knew it was done, but I personally don't know much about it since I've never faced the situation before. Here are some websites about it though (which I haven't read yet):

    http://www.aarp.org/home-family/car...-i-get-paid-for-taking-care-of-my-mother.html

    http://www.agingcare.com/Articles/how-to-get-paid-for-being-a-caregiver-135476.htm

    http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2011/02/09/help-uncle-sam-caring-aging-parent/

    http://www.ehow.com/how_5763923_apply-paid-care-elderly-parent.html

    https://www.aging.ca.gov/Programs/
     
  25. Proud2BATeacher

    Proud2BATeacher Phenom

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    i have heard of people being compensated to look after ill/old family members but it was usually a relative coming in to look after them, not a wife or husband.
     
  26. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    For those who are curious, from AARP: (link listed by Ms I above)

    Most caregiving starts out as a labor of love, but it can quickly grow into an expensive obligation. In these economically insecure times, caregivers are struggling with heavy financial responsibilities, especially if they've had to quit their jobs to provide care.

    I'm often asked by caregivers whether they can be paid for the work they do. Unfortunately, I'm not able to give a simple answer. A qualified "maybe" comes closest to reality. There are, however, several options to explore.

    State programs:

    Some states have programs that help people pay for the caregiver of their choice, and in certain circumstances that can be a family member. These programs*— called, variously, "consumer-directed," "participant-directed," "cash and counseling" or other titles*— differ enormously depending on where you live. Most have income and other eligibility requirements that the care recipient must meet, and strict rules often apply as to who can be paid for the caregiving. For information about what's available in your state, contact your local Medicaid or aging services department or go to the National Resource Center for Participant-Directed Services.

    But be aware that there are waiting lists for these programs and that states have been cutting back on them because of budgetary pressures.

    Veterans' benefits:

    A law passed in 2010 provides a monthly stipend to primary caregivers of veterans injured in military conflict after 9/11. Other benefits to caregivers include travel expenses, access to health care insurance, mental health services and respite care of 30 days a year. For more information, call 1-877-222-VETS (8387). Caregivers of veterans of other wars may be eligible for the VA's Aid and Attendance Pension Benefit. In addition, some state programs are specially designated for veterans.

    Long-term care insurance:

    If your family member has long-term care insurance, it may cover some home care. Some policies permit family members to be paid, although they may exclude people who live in the same household. Ask your family member's insurance agent to explain this benefit and its conditions.

    Caregiver contracts:

    If none of these options apply to you, all is not lost, especially if the person you are caring for has some savings or other assets. For example, a parent may be willing to work out a caregiver contract and pay a son or daughter for the care he or she provides. Consult an elder care lawyer to make sure that the contract meets tax requirements, deals with inheritances and is approved by all other interested parties (siblings, for example). Be mindful of the emotional pitfalls in this arrangement.

    Other options:

    If you are facing financial hardship because of a caregiving situation, here are some other options to consider:

    See whether your family member is eligible for programs that send an outside caregiver into the home so the responsibility doesn't fall only to you. Start with Eldercare Locator or BenefitsCheckUp.org.
    Look into finding work you can do at home, or find a job that allows you the flexibility you need to be a caregiver.
    Hold a family meeting with siblings and others to discuss ways you can all share the financial burden.
    Remember, your financial and emotional health should remain a top priority so you can continue to provide the kind of care your loved one needs.
     
  27. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Regarding the part in AARP about veterans, I know the above says about those injured after 9/11. Although my dad's too old to be affected personally by 9/11, he's an Army veteran, so that may help with something.
     
  28. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Is he retired military collecting a pension? Other than possible VA benefits, I doubt youll get caregiver money from the military. The military is currently facing a threat of downsizing, and career military retirees were threatened this year with no COLA adjustments to their pensions.
    Is your fathers care causing your mom financial hardships? Are some of his needs covered by insurance?
     
  29. msaly

    msaly Comrade

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    *I haven't read all the other responses*
    It is possible to get paid for taking care of a family member in the us. I have looked into it because about a year and a half ago, my mother's health was so bad that she needed full time care and I was going to have to quit my job. My family couldn't afford a nurse, so they certainly couldn't pay me (nor would I ever ask them too). My mom is fairly young and I am in my 20's. Fortunately my moms health turned around and she does not need full time care anymore. When I was looking into it, the steps were extremely difficult and honestly was not worth it for the small amount of compensation it would of been.
     

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