Cbest experience essay - feedback

Discussion in 'Basic Skills Tests' started by Hpn, Sep 15, 2015.

  1. Hpn

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    Sep 15, 2015

    Experience Essay

    Many childhood experiences leave lifelong impressions on people. Write an essay in which you describe a memorable childhood experience and explain its effect on your life.


    Life is a journey which brings with itself lot of experiences, some good and some bad. But each experience leaves an impact on one's life. One such experience which left a print in my life and personality was facing discrimination at an age of 10. Since ages our society has been divided on various factors viz. religious, cutural, financial,etc. No matter how much our leaders and social activist try to eradicate these issues, they are always prevalent in the society in one form or the other. Overcoming the financial inequality with laid out by my classmates in school was a turning point in my life.[99]
    Since the age of 3, I had three close friends with whom I lived everyday to the best. We had been together for almost everything, for recess, games, picnics, birthday parties, etc. But I never realised that these friends of mine will one day look down at me because I didn't belong to a well-off family. That started hapenning when I entered 5th Grade. My friends unlike me got new backpacks and new lunch boxes for the first day of school. They didn't want to include me for lunch. Similar used to happen for birthday parties. They stopped inviting me because I never adorned fancy and expensive clothes. This behaviour of theirs was really devastating for me.[115]
    Every morning going to school became difficult for me. My confidence was shattered. I didn't feel like playing or eating. Day in school had never been so dull before. Unlike before, I was no more keen to learn new things in academics or in sports.I had to push myself to perform in studies as per Grade Level. But after few months that feeling sort of sinked in. I accepted the fact that I was not financialy competent with friends whom I had loved so much. But a natural instinct in me prompted to move on and make new friends.[96]
    This experience actually boosted my confidence. It taught me not to get disheartened by the way other people treat you. It taught me to look above these issues and achieve your goals. Its said, " Treat others the way you want to be treated". So I realized not to look down at others on basis of cast, creed, religion or money.[60]
    My childhood experience helped me become a better human.This experience assisted me in not being judgemental. So its very vital to look for the positive aspects of each phase of life. That helps us build our personality in a positive way. This childhood experience was truly inspirational and changed the way I used to look at people and the world around me
     
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  3. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Sep 16, 2015

    The charge of a CBEST personal narrative is to relate a story that makes a point as per the prompt and that shows off the writer's ability to handle formal written English. You succeed in large measure with meeting the charge of the prompt, though your first paragraph gets off track... but the essay exhibits both informal usages and outright errors - misspellings, wrong words, sentence fragments, failures of idiom - enough to alarm a scorer.

    If you paste this essay into a word-processing app with a spelling and grammar checker, it should highlight the errors for you. Better yet, see if you can find them on your own, now that you haven't just written this, and then submit both the original and your corrected version to the spelling/grammar check to see what you caught and what you missed.
     
  4. Hpn

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    Sep 16, 2015

    After Spelling and Grammar corrections.

    Life is a journey which brings with itself lot of experiences, some good and some bad. But each experience leaves an impact on one's life. One such experience which left a print in my life and personality was facing discrimination at an age of 10. Since ages our society has been divided on various factors like religious, cultural, financial,etc. No matter how much our leaders and social activist try to eradicate these issues, they are always prevalent in the society in one form or the other. Overcoming the financial inequality with laid out by my classmates in school was a turning point in my life.
    Since the age of 3, I had three close friends with whom I lived everyday to the best. We had been together for almost everything, for recess, games, picnics, birthday parties, etc. But I never realized that these friends of mine will one day look down at me because I didn't belong to a well-off family. That started happening when I entered 5th Grade. My friends unlike me got new backpacks and new lunch boxes for the first day of school. They didn't want to include me for lunch. Similar used to happen for birthday parties. They stopped inviting me because I never adorned fancy and expensive clothes. This behavior of theirs was really devastating for me.
    Every morning going to school became difficult for me. My confidence was shattered. I didn't feel like playing or eating. Day in school had never been so dull before. Unlike before, I was no more keen to learn new things in academics or in sports.I had to push myself to perform in studies as per Grade Level. But after few months that feeling sort of sank in. I accepted the fact that I was not financially competent with friends whom I had loved so much. But a natural instinct in me prompted to move on and make new friends.
    This experience actually boosted my confidence. It taught me not to get disheartened by the way other people treat you. It taught me to look above these issues and achieve your goals. Its said, " Treat others the way you want to be treated". So I realized not to look down at others on basis of cast, creed, religion or money.
    My childhood experience helped me become a better human.This experience assisted me in not being judgmental. So its very vital to look for the positive aspects of each phase of life. That helps us build our personality in a positive way. This childhood experience was truly inspirational and changed the way I used to look at people and the world around me.
     
  5. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Sep 16, 2015

    Oh, dear. What do you use for word processing?

    Please define for me "formal written English".
     
  6. Hpn

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    Sep 16, 2015

    I just used an app for corrections.
     
  7. TeacherGroupie

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    Sep 16, 2015

    All right, now that the misspellings are remedied, find an app that checks grammar.
     
  8. Hpn

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    Sep 16, 2015

    After grammar corrections.

    Life is a journey which brings with itself a lot of experiences, some good and some bad. But each experience leaves an impact on one's life. One such experience which left a print in my life and personality was facing discrimination at an age of 10. Since ages our society has been divided on various factors like religious, cultural, financial,etc. No matter how much our leaders and social activist try to eradicate these issues, they are always prevalent in the society in one form or the other. Overcoming the financial inequality with laid out by my classmates in school was a turning point in my life.
    Since the age of 3, I had three close friends with whom I lived everyday to the best. We had been together for almost everything, for recess, games, picnics, birthday parties and many more. But I never realized that these friends of mine will one day look down on me because I didn't belong to a well-off family. That started happening when I entered 5th Grade. My friends unlike me got new backpacks and new lunch boxes for the first day of school. They didn't want to include me for lunch. Similar used to happen to birthday parties. They stopped inviting me because I never adorned fancy and expensive clothes. This behavior of theirs was really devastating for me.
    Every morning going to school became difficult for me. My confidence was shattered. I didn't feel like playing or eating. Day in school had never been so dull before. Unlike before, I was no more keen to learn new things in academics or in sports.I had to push myself to perform in studies as per Grade Level. But after a few months that feeling sort of sank in. I accepted the fact that I was not financially competent with friends whom I had loved so much. But a natural instinct in me prompted to move on and make new friends.
    This experience actually boosted my confidence. It taught me not to get disheartened by the way other people treat you. It taught me to look above these issues and achieve your goals. It's said, " Treat others the way you want to be treated". So I realized not to look down at others on the basis of caste, creed, religion or money.
    My childhood experience helped me become a better human.This experience assisted me in not being judgmental. So it's very vital to look for the positive aspects of each phase of life. That helps us build our personality in a positive way. This childhood experience was truly inspirational and changed the way I used to look at people and the world around me.
     
  9. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Sep 16, 2015

    What app did you use?
     
  10. Hpn

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    Sep 16, 2015

    Paperrater
     
  11. TeacherGroupie

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    Sep 17, 2015

    What grade level did you tell PaperRater? If you didn't specify a grade level, go resubmit your writing, making sure to specify at least grade 10. More than half of the sentences contain errors that PaperRater should have flagged, and probably did.
     
  12. Hpn

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    Sep 17, 2015

    paperrater report

    I had put grade level 10 ran the paperrater essay checking tool.

    Spelling Suggestions
    Error -Suggestion
    etc - etc.

    Grammar Suggestions
    Error : Suggestion
    at - on
    basis - the basis
    me- I
    itself lot of - itself a lot of, it lot of, it it lot of
    for- to
    few months - a few months


    Word Choice Suggestions
    Suggestions for improving word choice appear in the text underlined in blue. Select this text to view the tips.
    Word Choice
    Usage of Bad Phrases
    Bad Phrase Score: 5.6 (lower is better)
    The Bad Phrase Score is based on the quality and quantity of trite or inappropriate words, phrases, and cliches found in your paper. You did equal or better than 13% of the people in your education level.
    Ouch! Looks like you may be employing some over-used or distasteful phrases. Your Bad Phrase Score is worse than average.
    You may wish to use a thesaurus to replace or reduce your usage of the following words and/or phrases in your paper (sorted by most egregious first):
    bad, had to, get, really, got, good, very, me, because, things, make, more, better, going, like, well, want, We, you, said, look, some, was, are, is, try, new, But, So, actually
    Style
    Usage of Transitional Phrases
    Transitional Words Score: 38
    This score is based on quality of transitional phrases used within your paper. You did equal or better than 5% of the people in your education level.
    Your usage of transitional phrases is below average. Please review the writing tips below.
     
  13. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Sep 17, 2015

    Well, now I feel better about PaperRater. I'll guess that the app did find your sentence fragments and garbled syntax but that you haven't included those here.

    Please define "formal written English" for me.
     
  14. Hpn

    Hpn Rookie

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    Sep 19, 2015

    I didn't run the report for sentence fragments, that's why it's not included.
    Well, to answer you about Formal English writing, thanks for asking me that question. I googled it after you asked me. Thanks though for the entire discussion.
     
  15. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Sep 19, 2015

    Do you now recognize some other features of the essays you've posted here that might need to be remedied before you take the test?
     
  16. Hpn

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    Sep 19, 2015

    As per my understanding, I need to avoid sentence fragments, use more idioms & phrases, use transitional phrases, make more complex sentences and the essay should not be like spoken English, but a formal written English.
     
  17. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Sep 20, 2015

    Right. Watch out for the misused words, too. The Web site Using English, www.usingenglish.com, has some resources that you might find helpful, including a tool that gives examples of usage for a given word.
     

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