Can I be forced to hold my son back in kindergarten or do I get the final say?

**Before I begin, I apologize for the length but felt it necessary. Please continue to read. I am at my wits end over this. Thank you!

Hi all, I need some advise and information on a situation concerning my son. He is 5 years old and will turn 6 in August just after the new school year begins. I have been a stay at home mom with him for the past 2 years. I had no idea when he began kindergarten that they would expect so much from him or I would have started teaching basics at home.

Because of some certain circumstances, my son started school 4 weeks late at the beginning of the year. He struggled alot to catch up with the rest of the class and we worked really hard at home as well. I have had several meetings with his teacher and the school advisor about his assessments and in each and everyone of them, he has always been a step behind but is continuing to improve dramatically. The gap continues to get smaller and smaller. However, in our meeting today they have formally recommended to hold him back in kindergarten again. He is the youngest of three children and he knows exactly what this means compared to his older siblings. It is heart wrenching to watch the confussion and disappointment he has with himself of what returning to kindergarten again next year means.

He is going to sylvan for a summer program to help him along with his phonics and reading. He has also started a program at home with audible books that are helping him improve. I disagree with their recommendation and don't believe he needs an entire year again in kindergarten to be ready for 1st grade. They pretty much told me today that if I disagree with them and don't sign the papers that I have to request a meeting with the principal about it. Which is tomorrow morning. Then if she requests the same, and I disagree, then I have to set up a meeting with the superintendient.

My question I have is...can they force my hand and make me hold him back in kindergarten or will I be allowed the final say? I understand that they think it would be more traumatic for him if he reaches 1st and can't cut it and we have to put him back than it would be if we start him fresh again in kindergarten. But I also know my son, and holding him back is traumatic anyways, especially when he has been trying so hard. He will get discouraged, and quit trying because he doesn't think there is a point. I want what is best for my son, but I just don't think what they are recommened is what's best for him. Any information you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

PS..I don't know if its a national law or state by state, but in case, I live in South Mississippi.

 

Why did your son start school 4 weeks late?

I know that it's not the answer you want, but I think that you need to let him repeat Kindergarten. I don't know if your state will require that you go along with their recommendations, but I think you should.

 

I don't know if they can force your hand, I'm at the opposite end of schooling (HS seniors).

Do you trust the teachers and other professionals that have worked with your son so far? It sounds like their efforts (and yours) have done a lot to get him almost caught up.

But, he is almost caught up. That is different than being caught up or even ahead of others.

If I felt the school cared for my child, I would trust their recommendations.

 

In our school parents do not get final say if its due to poor attendance. This is a state law, but I'm in a different state from you so that may not be true there. With four weeks missed, that would be enough to make a case for retention in my state. We start talking about it once a student has missed at least 15 days and then monitor from there. Anything above 25 is automatic retention unless there were some special circumstances, including the child being on grade level even with the missed school.

 

I'm not going to address the legalities, because I don't know anything about Mississippi. But let me talk to you, ok?

It is so hard to get a full picture of what the situation is just on a discussion board, so I'm just going to go with what you told us here. Your son is really young. Really young. Sometimes, younger boys can have a really tough time in kindergarten, just because their little bodies and minds just aren't quite ready for the rigors of kindergarten. And yes, I said rigors, because kindergarten isn't playing house anymore-it is very academic, and has standards which are developmentally just as hard as any other grade level.

As teachers, we want to give every child the best opportunity to learn. We sometimes call it a least restrictive environment, or we talk about being DAP-developmentally appropriate. It sounds like your son has had quite the time this year! I totally understand there are circumstances that can take kids out of school, but 4 weeks is a really long time in kindergarten. Having just turned 5 after the school year began last year, then missing 4 weeks, would make it tremendously hard for your son to catch up.

I think it's great that you've worked with him to get him as far as you have. But you have to remember, while he's improving, so is everyone else in the class. It's like running a race where everyone runs at the same pace-the ones in the back of the pack can't ever catch the leaders if everyone is running the same speed. Does that make sense?

So what I'm saying to you is your son's teachers and administrators aren't trying to hurt your son in any way. They have looked at the data, they work with him every day, and in their professional opinions staying in kindergarten is the best decision for him. I think you should objectively look at what they are saying, and you'll have to decide-is fighting what the professionals are telling me really going to help my son in the long run?

I know you've said your son will be hurt if that happens-I truly think you'd be surprised how quickly your son would get over it. Do you think there's any way he's heard how upset you and your family are over the decision, and is mimicking that discontent? Kids are really good at that. When I take my kids to the doctor, I have to act like shots are the best things ever, or else they will panic. You'll have to have a serious talk with your other children, and make sure they know that it's not a joking matter, and you're doing what's best for their brother.

Ultimately, ask yourself-if your son fell down and twisted an ankle, and your doctor told you your son should stay off it for a few weeks to let it heal, would you do it? If your accountant told you to change a withholding on your taxes to save money, would you do it? If your pharmacist told you to take your medicine twice a day and no more, would you do it?

Why should your teachers be any different?

 

In our school - the parents get the final say, however as a kindergarten teacher, let me tell you that in all the years of holding kids back in Kindergarten, I have NEVER had a parent say that they wish they had NOT done that. Some kids need more time to cook, and if your son is behind - another year in that class will only serve to help him.

He will follow your attitude, if you tell him that this happens sometimes, and it is not big deal, or if you tell him that he can stay in kindergarten so he gets more play time, etc.. give it a positive spin, he will only know your positive feelings.

Once I remember a little boy who did not stay back in my class that I strongly recommended, and I advised the mother that he would hear the same advice from his first grade teacher, well, you guessed it! he ended up staying back in first grade

In first grade, it was a slightly tougher sell to the little guy because he was more aware. but alas, he did stay back and it really helped!

 

The person to ask is a first grade teacher. That would be me.

Here are my questions.

First of all, here are the basic skills I need my first graders to have.

• Letter recogniztion - different from "knowing the alphabet"
• Letter sounds
• Can orally blend three and four letter words with short vowels and consonant blends.
• Phonemic awareness - if you segment a word by sound he can tell you what the word is.
• Number recognition to 20 (sees a 5 and says "five")
• Number correspondence (knows that 5 means this many: # # # # #
• Can read simple "consonent vowel consonent" words by blending them

These are the minimal skills I want my beginning first graders to have. To be honest, on the first day of school, not all of my kids will have these skills. But I will worry a great deal about any who do not have them.

I also want a first grader to be able to follow at least one step directions, hold a pencil, and write the alphabet in upper and lower case.

Now here is another thing. When is his birthday? Will repeating kindergarten mean that he will turn 18 before the first day of school his senior year? This is huge, because the more time between the 18th birthday and graduation, the greater the risk of dropping out.

The question is not "how far behind" is he or is he caught up, but rather does he have the basics in order to be successful in first grade. If the answer to that question is yes, then he should move on.

I do not support retention in any grade level unless the student is so far behind that they would be competely lost if moved to the next grade level and fall further behind. In most cases, those are kids who are already completely lost in thier current grade level.

 

This is why Junior Kindergartens are popping up more often. Kindergarten is tough! Many 5 year olds are in JK, waiting a year before entering the big K. Or districts are setting up K1 and K2 systems.

I would also trust the school and the teachers. He won't even remember repeating and you have to act like it is no big deal. He'll take your lead, emotionally.

Another year might give him the confidence to rule 1st grade when he gets there. Instead of always feeling behind and a bit lost.

Best of luck!

 

Additional Info

Just some additional information as to why my son missed the 1st four weeks of school, is because we moved from Michigan and school there doesn't start until the 1st week of September. Here in Mississippi, they start on August 4th. Attendance was not held against him because of this circumstance.

 

I would take this advice. Sit down with the sylvan tutor and have them go through these things with your son since you are paying them. See if he meets this criteria and if not then I think you have your answer.

 

Here is more on how it will affect him down the line if he's retained. Sure, in kindergarten he won't even notice. And you say he won't "remember" when he's older.

What will happen is around 5th grade, he'll notice that he's 11 when the rest of the kids are 10. The other kids will notice too, and then the stigma kicks in.

Now, with high school it gets more problematic. Suppose his birthday is in January. That could mean that half way through his junior year, he will turn 18. At that point, the only thing that will keep him in school will be his own sense of personal responsibility. Great if he understands and wants to finish and graduate.

But if he ends up being one of those high school kids that requires a lot of effort on the part of parents and educators to motivate, then you have a problem in that you can't make him go to school if he doesn't want to. All that needs to happen then is that he get the bright idea of working at his minimum wage summer job full time and sleeping on his friends couch and not having to go to school anymore. Then you've lost him.

 

How about a compromise?

Tentatively agree to repeating K pending the results of an assessment performed 2-3 weeks prior to the beginning of next year. This gives him the summer working with the tutors to attempt to fully catch up. If he does, great. He moves on to first. If there are still issues, you're satisfied you've done everything possible and he just needs a little bit more time to let it all sink in.

If I read correctly, his birthday is in August. If he stays with this group of kids, he's probably the absolute youngest. That's hard on any kid, but in general, it's harder on boys. The practice of "redshirting" kids is rampant these days, so your son would not be alone in doing a second year of kinder.

 

I like mmswm's idea of agreeing to retain/promote based on summer growth.

However, to answer your question, in my district parents have the final say. I would call the school board or district office and ask so you know for sure.

 

Our end of year K standards are a lot tougher than that. OP, you need to look into what your specific school/state requires and where your son is in relation to that. I don't have all of them memorized because I'm not a K teacher, but I can list the ones that I know off of the top of my head. In my school, to be on grade level as an end of the year kinder/incoming 1st grader, a student has to

-Read 40 words per minute with 0-3 errors
-Know numbers 1-100, including counting and figuring out the "missing number" (so if you show them 75 and 77, they have to know that 76 comes inbetween)
-Know how to add and subtract
-Know the dolch pre-primer and primer sight words in context (so be able to recognize and correctly read those words in stories, not just in isolation on flashcards or something).

I know there's more, but that's all I know off the top of my head!

Also, I just noticed the age, and wanted to mention that I have an early September birthday and didn't even go to Kinder until the year I was turning 6 in September. My mom sent me to another year of pre-k when I was 5 instead of Kinder because she claims I was really tiny and so much smaller than the other kids. I loved always being the oldest in my class. One of my best friends was in my grade level and also had a September birthday, but she was a year younger. She hated being the last one to drive, last one to turn 18, last one to be able to get a part time job (b/c she was too young age-wise, even though she was in the same grade as us), etc.

 

I just feel I need to chime in here. Your son will not be one of the oldest in the class if you hold him back - at least he wouldn't around here. I'm in Nebraska, and we just changed our kindergarten entry age to 5 by July 31. That means he would not have even been eligible for kindergarten here.

I have taught preschool for 5 years and I have seen little boys who just aren't ready to work on academics and THAT IS OK! They are little boys who need to play and work on social skills and use their large motor skills before they can sit still and learn to read and write.

Now, from personal experience, I have two children with summer birthdays who are now old for their class because we waited for kindergarten. My daughter went to preschool as a young four, and I felt she was not ready for kindergarten as a barely 5 year old. Her preschool was in the same building as the elementary school, and she saw her old preschool friends advance to kindergarten while she stayed in preschool. I worried about this, but you know what, she hardly even noticed. She had new friends and a comfort level with the preschool teacher and really became a "leader" the next year. Now she is almost ready for junior high (sniff) and is succeeding both academically and socially.

I guess I just really want to urge you to listen to your son's teachers. I know you want the best for him (or you wouldn't be here!) But it is just so much better to start school off on the right foot with every advantage possible...not constantly playing catch up.

Lastly, in my personal opinion (as an early childhood special educator) a summer spent playing outside with balls and sand and water and inside with blocks, art materials and lots of read alouds will do your son so much more good than a summer spent at Sylvan.

 

Check with your district. I'm in Mississippi. In my district the parent has the final say.

 

I like mmswms advice...I'm leaning toward retention. Your son is young. He began the year late and behind. The teachers know what the expectations are for first grade...failing in first gade is going to affect him more negatively than staying in k an exta year.
Mississippi traditionally falls in the lowest rankings of state education...:sorry:you don't want to compound what may already not be the most optimal experience.

 

We are wrapping up our school year and I have started working on my kids' cumlative folders. Every year I have a child who repeated K or 1st and almost without fail I am suprised. They are strong students and nothing showed them as being "behind". Quite often it's just that your child needs that extra year. It gives them the chance to be more assured of success in their future years. If they start 1st grade (such a CRITICAL grade) behind, then they are often playing catchup for years.
At my school if the failure is academic or attendance, the parents don't get a say, but if it's the teacher suggesting that the child be held back, then the parents do. It's a hard position to be in. As a 4th grade teacher, I can tell you that the students I have, who repeated lower grades, are often so much stronger for it. For those few who aren't, it gave a basis for working on any learning disablities that might appear.

Also, on the requirements for first grade, you definitely need to try and speak to a first grade teacher in your school. If our kids don't enter 1st grade reading, they are already behind.

 

Mississippi also has a high drop out rate because of the reasons Sarge listed. There are not many students that will continue to attend when they're 20 and a senior. Do u think with sylvan he will meet the standards of 1st grade? Do you know if you are in a Star District.
.

 

I teach transitional first...it is for students that need an extra year and an option to not repeat kinder. My son did T-1 and in our district the opposite of what Sarge says is true...out of the honor graduates in his class over 75% are T-1 or repeats. They just needed a year to grow. With my daughter we did it because she had an August birthday and she turned 5 on the first day of school. I am so glad I did it.

 

My current school says that the school has the final say regarding retention. I think I even heard my P say that is the state law. I have no clue if that is actually correct.

Based on his age and other circumstances the OP mentioned, I would keep him in Kinder another year. I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I'm usually not a big advocate of retention, but lean more towards it in Kinder. Especially if the student in question is a young Kinder.

 

Last year I recommended that my sister in law hold my nephew back in kindergarten. His birthday is the first week in August. She thought it would be so horrible to make him stay back when his friends were going on to first grade. (Honestly the parents have a harder time with this concept them the kids). This year he has struggled in first grade. He actually met all the K. standards last yr. but because he is developmentally young, first grade was just to much for him. He will be repeating first grade. His mom is kicking herself for not listening to me.


PS: I do not teach in the same state as he goes to school in.

 

I do agree that's most times it is harder for the parents than the kid.

 

You have already received a lot of really good advice. Your son is young so retention would give him a chance to mature more so he is ready for the ability to be independent that first grade requires. Also, I wanted to add that teachers and administrators do not arrive at the decision to recommend retention lightly. This is a decision that is monitored,documented, and carefully evaluated. Please carefully consider their professional opinions.

 

Sarge, I agree with a lot of what you've said, but not this. We waited for my own daughter to turn 6 (August) before starting her. Most of her class is that way-just the way it turned out. I don't think there's a stigma for being older in your class.

 

I agree with this too. I turned 18 in the fall of my senior year. The great majority of my friends (who were basically all of the high achieving students at my school in academics and sports) were around the same age as I was. There was only one girl in our "friend group" who turned 17 in the fall. I (and my parents) liked that I was able to drive sophomore year. I worked as a lifeguard/swim teacher in HS, which is a great job for a HS student (a little more responsibility, looks better on a resume, pays more, more respect) which you had to be 17 for. My "year younger" friend wanted to work there too, but couldn't because she wasn't old enough even though we were in the same grade. My school was trying to pass a levy my senior year and they tried to get those of us who were eligible to vote pumped up for voting- they had breakfasts to talk about it, let us come in late to school that day, etc. (shameless, I know). There were over 100 of us in a class of 300 that were 18 for that November. Not that this is the first thing on a parents mind, but fast forward to my "year younger" friend and I in college. We're both juniors, both in the same exact point in our lives- I can go to any bar and drink legally. She can get arrested for the same behavior for an entire year, and she's not even allowed to go (even just to hang out) to a lot of places since she's still 20.

 

In the district I attended, at least half the class turned 18 before graduation. It wasn't due to being held back or anything, it just had to do with our start time and birthday cut-off. I was one of the youngest in my class, and I turned 18 a month or two after graduation. There was absolutely zero stigma attached to being an 18-year-old senior, because literally at least 50% of the students in my graduating class were 18. It was the norm in that district. I was pretty surprised to learn that it's not the norm in the district where I teach (or in many other districts, evidently).

 

My son will graduate in this month. He will be 19 in June. I am so glad I gave him an extra year...and me!!!! I have enjoyed him and this year was icing on my cupcake...By the way, he was named a State FFA Degree winner and profiency winner this week. He is graduating with 15 college hours and a 4.05 gpa. He is not a dropout.

 

You may think he will be devastated at being held back but the students I've held back seemed not to really know. They just had a much better second year. And he will struggle in first grade. If this were my baby, I think I would take the summer and have fun and play and read together, repeat kindergarten and take that pressure of "hard work" off. Should school be "hard work" or should it be work?

Hang in there and let us know your outcome!

 

Parents have the final say! If they choose not to retain they do have to sign a form so that they can't come back at us later if the child doesn't perform well.

This is the first time in my 6 years of teaching that I am recommending retention. I'm actually recommending 3 kiddos for retention. I am having a really hard time with it as a teacher, so I have no doubt that the decision is by fast more difficult for the parents. 2 of the 3 are borderline on there assessments and I'm just not sure! I think I'll be recommending that parents work hard at home and the students attend summer school and THEN we decide. In my situation, it will tell me a lot because I'm not convinced the parents are willing to work with then this summer.

However, it sounds like you have a plan in place to try to catch him up. This would make me feel better as a teacher. I say see how he does this summer and then decide what is best.

One question...is this recommendation based solely on academics or is he immature as well? If there is immaturity involved, I would lean towards retention.

 

UPDATE!!

I just want to say thank you to all of you that have replied to my post. You have been a tremendous amount of help and inspiration to me. I had a meeting with the principal of our school this morning and spent the rest of the day crying.

I agree with who said that this is most likely harder on me as his mom than it will be on him. But I did make the decision to start him back in K in the fall but requested to have them access him within the first few days of school and if the improvement is there and he meets the 1st grade requirements then they will move him forward. If not then I have faith that doing another year will enable him to become an achiever rather than a struggeler.

There are several things with this school that I disagree with but they are the highest ranking school in our area and I think possibly the state as well. I still am not sure if they have my sons best interest at heart, but I know for a fact that I do, and I do know that he has struggled more than a little one should and I don't want to put that kind of strain on him again next year. I had learned that they are witholding 20-25 Kindergarteners this year which was the reason for my concern. I understand the concept of challenging children to their fullest potential but I don't understand upping the curriculm so much to the point where 100% of these little 5 and 6 year olds can't move on to the next grade (unless there is a developmental issue going on). Holding children back in K and 1st have become the norm and that disheartens me.

But again, I want to say thank you to all of you who took the time to respond with your advice, personal expierences, and thoughts. I truely appreciate it.

ConcernedMomma

 

Good luck...as a mom that has done this and as a teacher that teaches the transitional class, I totally get it. PM me if you need someone to sound off to!!! Good luck.

 

Actually, in Oklahoma the school CAN have the final say. Most schools don't, but some do. Our new law says if a child is not reading on level by 3rd grade, they will be retained. This will start with the current 1st grade class.

Also several schools have parents sign a contract that basically says that the school will allow students to progress, but if things don't improve they will be retained the following year. I have a friend that sued her daughter's school for following through on one of these contracts. She not only lost, but she had to pay court fines and attorney fees for the school. The judge told her that the school could retain without her consent even without the contract IF they document the progress of the child and the contact with parents, the school gets the final say in OKLAHOMA...every state is different.

 

A friend of mine had a K child who was held back last year. She agreed that he was just not mature enough and couldn't keep up with the other kids. He is doing great this year and never even mentions the fact that he has been in K before.

 

Why would anyone sue if they knew they signed the contract. I'm assuming they READ the contract and if they didn't agree with it then they shouldn't have signed it.

 

We held my son back in 2nd grade and it was, without a doubt, the best thing we ever did for him. He has a Sept. bday, was struggling, etc. and now he is doing wonderfully. He even says he is glad that we did it. As far as your child being upset, it's all in the presentation. It's hard, but we have to put our mommy feelings aside and do what's right for the long term. I've been teaching for 19 years and have never heard of anyone regretting letting their child repeat a grade.

 

I have been in the same situation, except opposite. My son's preschool teacher wanted him to go to Kindergarten. He was academically ready and socially ready (actually he was reading, writing, could count to 100, ect...). He made the cut off, which in California was, at the time, turning 5 in the begining of December. He has a November birthday. I spoke with everyone I knew, did all the research, and decided to keep him in preschool for an extra year. He was a really short kid (still is) and little. I was thinking about his later years and how being the shortest and youngest would affect his education in middle to high school. Every parent and teacher I talked to, who had waited to send their kids were happy they waited. Every parent who didn't retain, had a child who was struggling socially and academically (I am sure there are lots of exceptions). Now that my son is entering Middle School, I am so happy he is a bit taller, socially mature, and ready to take on 6th grade academics. We moved to Georgia the summer between K and 1st grade. Here he fits in perfectly agewise, because the cut off date is 5 by August. So all has worked out really well. Not only that, but he is exceptionally academically, in the gifted programs, and has gotten all kinds of awards. So proud of his accomplishments!

If I was you, I would absolutly hold him back in Kindergarten. I have taught Kindergarten, and the standards over the years have become very, very academic. The standards have risen dramatically in all the grades and subjects. The math that the kids are doing in late elementary school is unbelieveable. My son was talking about doing some deviation of modes on his last test. I just said, "what?" Let your son mature. Parents are way more tramatized by the move. It was so hard seeing all his "best" friends (literally from birth) move into Kinder and him stay in Pre-school. But in the long run it was so, so worth it!

You want your child to be very successful, not struggle every year. Those little successes really add up, and they get such confidence when they can do all the skills required, plus much more.

 

I was going to comment that if he is doing better in certain areas... let's say math... is there any way he could go to the 1st grade room during math lessons. I know not the same grade but when I student taught we had a high student in one subject that went to the 2nd grade room for that subject.

I think he will be more confident in the K room if he is held back. Like you said he will be the achiever. I would rather have a student is a step higher because you feel for the student that is struggling. I had a student that struggled and I felt so bad for the student when all the others could answer and you'd come to this child with a blank stare.

Good Luck to him and yourself. Don't forget to keep working with him!!!

 

My son was transferred to Preschool after spending barely a month in a Kindergarten class. While in Kinder class, he had tantrums all the time because he finishes last in everything--reading, writing.The teacher said he cannot cope up with the pace, that he does not mingle with his classmates etc. My heart literally ached seeing my son being transferred to the babies' section (that was how he called it). Imagine my surprise when, after a week, he was telling me how he enjoyed himself with his new friends. After a year, he actually excelled.

I think my son's level is that of a preschooler and he didn't have a hard time catching up because there was no catching up needed. My point is, maybe, just maybe, our children, with their own coping up mechanism, should learn at their own pace.

 

Yes, Jenn!!!! I love that my students LOVE school after a year with me. I love parent teacher conferences more. My students' parents have spent two years hearing the negative, and then I can tell them that just by giving their precious child another year life is better. Every year I have parents that start the year worried and upset, but leave shouting my praises...what they don't know is that it isn't me...it is the extra year.