Borderline Personality Disorder

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by tiki7719, Nov 13, 2009.

  1. tiki7719

    tiki7719 Companion

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    5

    Nov 13, 2009

    I just left my friendship of 7 years with my best friend who has borderline personality disorder along with schizophrenia, bi-polar, major depression, anxiety and panic disorder. She denies having any of these issues and refuses to get help.

    She told me she would only get help if I am there with her as support. I don't know if I can handle anymore from her. She is manipulative, treated me like total crap and so on. On her good days/hours, I couldn't be happier with her as my best friend. Otherwise, it was so bad.

    I feel terrible for leaving and maybe giving it another shot since she said she'd go through therapy and get help. I don't know if I should or if it is just another way of her manipulating me.

    Any thoughts/words of advice would be great. Its the hardest thing I've had to endure in life (so far).
     
  2.  
  3. Kangaroo22

    Kangaroo22 Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2008
    Messages:
    6,216
    Likes Received:
    0

    Nov 13, 2009

    Tiki-Honestly it seems like she is manipulating you (but maybe you have some better insight into the situation). Since this has been so difficult on you it would probably be better to just be done with this friendship for awhile. You need to take care of yourself for awhile and not let yourself get sucked back in. I would probably be done with the friendship unless she goes to therapy and proves that she has changed.
     
  4. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,004
    Likes Received:
    163

    Nov 13, 2009

    Frankly, it sounds like a way of manipulating you, not like she's asking for your support.

    Keep in mind you're dealing with the disorder, not your friend. Many people who deal with the mentally ill says it seems like there's another person inside them, who makes them do "evil" things.

    Also, many psychological disorders are not well understood. While you've given the list of disorders she's likely been diagnosed with, she probably doesn't have these as independent disorders. The schizophrenia, BPD, depression, etc., are possibly (even probably) all related.
     
  5. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2006
    Messages:
    2,518
    Likes Received:
    9

    Nov 13, 2009

    Tiki, it does sound like she is manipulating you. I would cut it off and move on. If she really wants to get better, if she really wants the relationship, she will go get help, THEN approach you after she has gotten her meds, counseling, and has a proven record of good behavior.

    It honestly sounds a lot like an alcoholic - denial, begging for another chance, promising to change, not changing, and the cycle goes on and on until someone breaks the cycle. The alcoholic who wants a relationship back badly enough will go to AA, get counseling, get medication if necessary, and will call up a year later to say "I've been clean for a year, made a lot of changes, and would like to get together for coffee." PROVEN TRACK RECORD are the key terms.

    And you know I care about you and identify with this situation - it is very painful to go through, but the longer you are away and the healthier you get, the more you will see how unhealthy this really was.

    God bless you! You are in my prayers and by the way, I ordered the book you recommended! Thanks.
     
  6. blindteacher

    blindteacher Cohort

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2009
    Messages:
    568
    Likes Received:
    0

    Nov 13, 2009

    If she has all those disorders, chances are she needs way more than just therapy. Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and Borderline Personality Disorder generally require medication and even hospitalization (even if it's in and out) as can Major Depression and Panic Disorder if they're severe enough.
     
  7. RainStorm

    RainStorm Phenom

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    326

    Nov 13, 2009

    She is manipulating you. Cut your losses and run. It doesn't make you a bad person to take care of yourself.
     
  8. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,324
    Likes Received:
    1,440

    Nov 13, 2009

    Tiki, I've been in your place. Trust me, as much as I miss my friend, I know I spent too many nights sitting on the floor crying when she did something crazy and I was helpless to stop her. I visited her in mental hospitals and rehabs for almost a decade. When she called me from the parking lot where she was stalking her most recent ex, that was enough.

    As I said earlier, I still miss her. She got married last year and I only heard about it because our one mutual friend left was the officiant at the ceremony. However, I'm a much saner person without her need to bring me into her insanity.
     
  9. Special-t

    Special-t Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
    Messages:
    2,019
    Likes Received:
    19

    Nov 13, 2009

    (learned during my psych MA - we had to read the entire DSM Manual)

    Those who have personality disorders are rarely able to recognize their illness. One is born with a personality disorder - they are not developed over time - so it is completely ingrained into their psyche. They cannot be anyone else. Since it's extremely rare for a person with this illness to see their personalities as disordered - they do not respond to therapy.

    Schizophrenia and Bipolar are often treatable, but how do you know she has these? A personality disorder can have some of the same characteristics like grandiosity, unreasonable thinking, fabrication, and apparent lack of impulse control (although a personality disorder doesn't usually lack control - they make decisions that are self-centered.

    p.s. If she does have a personality disorder, you are better off without her in your life.
     
  10. RainStorm

    RainStorm Phenom

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    326

    Nov 13, 2009

    :agreed:

    Thanks for putting it so clearly. I was trying to think how to word it. If she truly has borderline personality, she won't be aware of it and will never change. :2cents:
     
  11. Simba

    Simba Comrade

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    0

    Nov 13, 2009

    I'm dealing with my own mental difficulties myself and must admit that while I KNOW how difficult it can be, I'm extremely grateful to have my best friend in my life.

    How do you know she has ALL the disorders you listed? If she is truly suffering from ALL the disorders listed then she is DIRE need of help.

    I'm not responding to judge you...just to add my advice/thoughts on your situation. It is one thing to suffer from one of the mental illnesses listed..It is COMPLETELY another whole situation to suffer from ALL that were listed. This friend of yours MUST receive some treatment. How long have you been friends? Does she have anyone else who can attend treatment with her? Do you think instead of manipulation it is fear that makes her want you to join in a treatment session? I'm sure you must know this friend well. Is it possible she feels you know her so well and wants you to help explain her situation to a therapist? I know it's not your "problem," do you honestly know what you think it is to experience each mental illness AT THE SAME TIME? They all can involve significant detriments to relationships, but schizophrenia itself is very difficult to handle... let alone ALL the illnesses you mentioned. How much do you even know about each illness? I'm sorry, but the DSM Manual is just that, a manual. I'm sorry if i sound harsh. I suffer from a mental illness myself...I can't IMAGINE suffering from ALL the illnesses you listed.

    I'm having a hard time here...I apologize. My best friend hasn't walked away from me in over 20 yrs in which I suffered from a mental illness. As I will state AGAIN, having ALL the illnesses you stated is extremely difficult and she MUST be on meds while seeking treatment.

    If you need to walk away, walk away.

    Thank you for this post. I've had the opportunity to remind myself how blessed I am to have my best friend in my life.

    You need to do what is best for you AND your friend.

    I'm sure it can't be easy for you...but ALL of those illnesses must be a living nightmare for your friend. MOST of those listed are incurable...only treatable...I'm sure your friend knows that and it's a reminder to her daily.

    Please contact her family or other friends regarding the situation and then if you need to step back do so.

    Just try to remember she isn't CHOOSING to do this to you on purpose. Whatever IT may be. It's an illness..not a choice...especially without the use of meds or treatment. By the way, research carefully the information/advice you receive. Even mine if you like. You aren't BORN with all the illnesses listed. While most CAN be hereditary, you aren't BORN with all of them. Most are environmental. I don't care what your DSM says. Ask her soon-to-be therapist.

    Good Luck
     
  12. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

    Joined:
    May 13, 2004
    Messages:
    5,827
    Likes Received:
    140

    Nov 14, 2009

    I agree.
     
  13. tiki7719

    tiki7719 Companion

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    5

    Nov 16, 2009

    First, I wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind words. I felt like I was alone in this situation and didn't know others went through it.

    I had a long talk with her on Friday. I told her I will give her 1 more chance (like bonne said, its like an alcoholic) and after that chance, I will change my number (which will be a major problem as it is also a business type line) and will go through what is necessary to have no contact with her.

    My main reason for giving her one more chance is that she did schedule a dr.'s. appointment so she can start receiving the proper treatment. Hopefully this will help her recognize her illnesses (eventually) and she can be put on medication to balance things out and attend treatment.

    Thank you for your words and advice. It is not an easy situation at all, and I would hate to walk away. But, at times it feels like that would be the only way for her to receive help (even though she said she wouldn't receive help without me there) and for me to feel sane.
     
  14. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Messages:
    3,888
    Likes Received:
    0

    Nov 16, 2009

    You can't fix this friend. Keep her in your prayers, turn around and walk.
     
  15. Special-t

    Special-t Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
    Messages:
    2,019
    Likes Received:
    19

    Nov 16, 2009

    I have to defend the DSM - please note that I'm not quoting any of the personal experiences that Simba described.

    The reason I'm taking time to post this is because, I too, have had a best friend who was mentally ill (her family eventually told me that she had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder). I had to make the heartbreaking decision to end our friendship. Her personality disorder started to effect my life. I did not make the decision lightly - and I waited till I found myself involved in a personal crisis that was created as a result of my friend's mental illness. I actually went to extensive therapy myself to help me make my decision. I felt like I lost a part of myself when I had to say goodbye to her.

    I think it's important to note that the DSM is not just a manual, it is the reference book that is used by all mental health professionals to classify and diagnose mental illness. It will be interesting to see the revisions that are made when the new version comes out in 2012 because it will encompass 12 years of additional research.

    If the doctor who did the initial diagnosis of this friend did not use the DSM - and just tossed out a bunch of classifications - I'd be very suspect. On the other hand, just because a Dr. uses the DSM it doesn't guarantee that the friend was diagnosed correctly.
    -- Especially regarding the personality disorder. I think that it would be difficult to uncover a personality disorder while a person is also actively suffering from schizophrenia and manic depression because of overlapping symptoms.

    Nonetheless, DSM is important because it is the professional publication that classifies mental illness as an actual illness - not just a whim of the person who suffers from it.
     
  16. Simba

    Simba Comrade

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    0

    Nov 16, 2009

    Good luck to you.

    You need to do what is best for you. You have made an effort...she needs to take the necessary steps.
     
  17. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2006
    Messages:
    9,154
    Likes Received:
    1

    Nov 17, 2009

    It's a hard place to be in. Most of my family suffers from mental illness (including me). I have had to distance myself from them at times and then renew the relationship at others. I never cut myself off from anyone going through it, but there were times when I cut down our contact. I try to let them know I'm there for them but I try not to get sucked into too much drama because I can't always handle it either. I'm with the person that said that it is one thing to suffer from those disorders and quite another to suffer from ALL of those disorders.

    Do know that just because she is going to the doctor does not mean things will get better right away. It may take a long time. Her desire to work on it may come and go as well. It's a hard battle and if she has a hard time seeing herself as having a problem, it may be a harder battle. Medicine and therapy are parts of the solution. They are very viable parts of the solution but so is the desire to find coping strategies that work for you. The person has to be willing to do part of the work. Even with that, their bodies may fight them and they may not always win. They may lose sight of what needs to be done. I can't tell you what will happen. I do know, for example, that most medications take a month or two to really start taking affect and that may not be the correct medicine the person ends up with. It's a constant vigilance.

    I think that people suffering do need our support but I also think that we have to judge just how we can provide it and how much we can provide. We have our own sanity to protect as well. The good news is that having a whole family around me that has some sort of mental illness, I can see which models of treatment and coping I want to adopt (since mine was triggered in adulthood it is even more clear what normal looks like). I also have learned that the people who suffer from it and get treatment do have times in their life that are running smoothly. Some family members are able to accomplish this for longer periods of time than others but treatment does work when it is the right treatment.
     
  18. scholarteacher

    scholarteacher Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2008
    Messages:
    1,684
    Likes Received:
    39

    Nov 17, 2009

    My daughter has BPD (she says she's cured, but I don't think that's possible), and she went for 2 years without speaking to me, but wouldn't tell me why. She said I hadn't done anything wrong, but there were some things she didn't like about me. Although she lives 10 miles from me, I only saw my grandchildren ever 3 months or so, and only with her husband present, not her. This is the daughter who had her first son when she was 16 and I practically raised him for 3 years. I see her and the kids now, but she won't tell me what it was about, and I don't ask anymore. I missed 2 years of their young lives. I really think she was jealous because they always asked to come home with me, etc. Anyway, it's very frustrating. You have my empathy! Read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It may be helpful. Good luck to you and your friend.
     

Share This Page

Members Online Now

  1. ready2learn,
  2. vickilyn,
  3. Backroads,
  4. bella84
Total: 374 (members: 8, guests: 349, robots: 17)
test