Blended families...how do you do it?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by scienceteach82, Nov 23, 2009.

  1. scienceteach82

    scienceteach82 Cohort

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    Nov 23, 2009

    I'm having twins...due in May. Bf already has a kid with his ex. I don't really like being around her for many reasons. I certainly don't want to spend holidays with her. My family is very much into holidays, and always cooks a nice meal...and they are only 20 miles from me. His mom lives here, but is always off with one of her 100 boyfriends.

    He only sees his kid weekends, and has her holidays. Not due to court schedule...this was all decided between them. She and her mom live 30 miles away (next to his mom...yes...it's a very weird situation as she works with her too). He works 13 hours a day and it just works out better...but whatever.

    My family doesn't like him...at all...and don't care for his kid...who is a very spoiled brat. I WISH I could upload video of her tantrums...OMFG! They don't want them over for holidays at all. BF just sits around and won't watch his freakin' kid. blah blah...

    Anyway...I asked him today just what he expects to happen when my kids are born....b/c I am NOT spending every holiday with his ex! He said that I was making him choose, and that he would choose his current kid....wtf is up with that?! I didn't say he had to choose...just what he thought we were going to do.

    Please don't ask why I am with him...I don't feel like going into all of that right now. Just would like advice as to how you split holidays with your different families.

    It stresses me out thinking about it. :dizzy:
     
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  3. GoehringTeaches

    GoehringTeaches Comrade

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    Nov 23, 2009

    I posted my Thanksgiving dilemma a few weeks ago with my husbands ex-wife. UGH! I hate her with every fiber of my being, so I can empathize with you. The only advice I can give is what my husband keeps telling me...it will be ok. Even though she just moved into our town, we are still doing separate holidays. We get Thanksgiving and she gets Christmas. Next year we may try and have the boys at our house in the morning and hers in the afternoon. We'll see when the time comes.
     
  4. scienceteach82

    scienceteach82 Cohort

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    Nov 23, 2009

    Thanks.

    My mom is mad at me, and thinks that I should be only with them for Holidays.
     
  5. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Nov 23, 2009

    Try asking your mom what she and her husband did for holidays when she had her children. That may make her a little more sympathetic towards your situation.
     
  6. dizzykates

    dizzykates Habitué

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    Nov 23, 2009

    Ugh. Ick. Growing up we spent Thankgiving with my mom, Christmas eve with my mom and Christmas day with my dad. Easter wasn't an issue for some reason. However, we NEVER spent a holiday with my mom's parents, it was her or nothing. She never had to choose. She really doesn't get it and does expect me to be with her most holidays and throws a pissy fit if I'm not. Tough, I'm married and not only do I have a husband to consider, but he came with a family too (imagine that!!). He is an only child and his parents would be alone if we didn't go to their house (250 miles away) and so either we go there or they come here and join my mother's holiday plans. Either way I spend the holiday with my in laws and she needs to deal with it because I live with him. I would recommend not asking your mother, but rather pointing out that you are having his children and he will of course join you or you won't be there. Whether he joins you or not is up to him though. I sincerely hope his attitude changes as this becomes more real to him. Just because his ex is near by does not mean she needs to spend the holiday with you. Pick days and agree on when the child is with him on holidays. IF court orders say he has her for the holiday then there is no reason he needs to spend it with the ex too.
     
  7. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    Nov 24, 2009

    Coming from a blended family (very blended - I have three brothers and we all have different fathers) we always split the holidays up. Dad (one of my younger brother's fathers, who I am still very close to) always took the two of us from when school let out until Christmas Eve. Then we went with Mom and our other younger brothers wherever we were going that year. Sometimes it was to Mom's parents, sometimes it was to her current husband/boyfriend's parents (boyfriend only if he was the father of one of my brothers).

    The fact that your parents are insisting that his daughter does not join you means that they are making you chose. I could be a brat as a child, but if anyone had told my Mom she couldn't bring me along for the holidays, that would have been the end of that. There was no way my Mom would not want to have her kids with her for the holidays and your boyfriend likely feels the same.

    I agree with dizzykates about the ex thing. Just because he has his daughter doesn't mean she needs to be there too.
     
  8. scienceteach82

    scienceteach82 Cohort

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    Nov 24, 2009

    Thanks.

    They never went through the courts...so it's up to them who has her. Which I think is dumb b/c he ends up sending her more money each month to pay for things 'for the kid' (BS!).

    My mom sent me an email saying how I am turning my back on my family and letting him dictate my life...blah blah. It's really annoying. She gets very posessive of her kids (me and my brothers). She throws a fit when one of us can't be home for something. it's really annoying. My dad is disappointed, but is way more understanding.

    I told BF that my mom was upset and he told me to go to my mom's....and have this be 'the last thanksgiving...' He wants to split up Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanksgiving with his side...Christmas with mine. Which would work b/c my family is BIG into Christmas. Pretty religious Catholic family.

    I'm sure there will be more drama and advice I'll need down the road. Possibly tomorrow...lol.

    Thanks again to those that responded.
     
  9. Tasha

    Tasha Phenom

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    Nov 24, 2009

    We usually switch back and forth for the main Thanksgiving meal but see both families. Luckily for Christmas, my in-laws have started inviting my family so my parents, brother, and grandmother go to my husband's parent's house and we all have a great time. I think when we buy a bigger house - probably a year from now, we will host more things ar our house and eliminate the problem! We are lucky that my parents get along with my husbands parents. I don't know what will happen if/when my brother gets married!
     
  10. DaleJr88AmpFan

    DaleJr88AmpFan Cohort

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    Nov 24, 2009

    This is how we work it in our family... when we were dating, we tried to make it to each side on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. It wasn't too terribly difficult as we only lived an hour away. Now, we switch off every other holiday. For instance, this Thanksgiving, we are with my family. Christmas Eve we are with his family and then Christmas Day we are with my family.

    As to your situation, the reality is your BF will be a part of "your" family from here on out. Your parents can choose to accept it or not. HOWEVER, they have a right to express their concerns to you and for you to act upon them when possible. You will need to have a very open & candid conversation with your BF and then with his child about expectations for behavior and the like. It will be difficult for you, but in respect to all parties, it has to be done. His daughter is a part of your life while he is. So... you need to make the best of it. He needs to support you. As to him choosing, it is easier for him to "select" her as she is there already and needs him. The twins are not "real" to him yet as you alone get to experience them right now. No matter what the situation is, there needs to be clear expectations for appropriate behaviors for all considered. Your parents also need to be talked to... they need to "deal" with the problem as best they can. As good Catholics, they should be able to put aside their feelings and open up their hearts & arms during the holidays. (OK, honestly, I know that this may not be true-- really, I know. It is more easily "said" than done.) :) It can be a very difficult situation to blend families-- but open communication will make it a much easier venture. Good luck...
     
  11. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

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    Nov 26, 2009

    We learned to let go. We stopped stressing about always getting together on the exact DAY of Thanksgiving or Christmas. If my ex and I could work things out so that everyone was happy, that was great. But if someone (his mom, his wife, etc.) started to get upset and insist on a certain time or whatever, we just let it go. We've celebrated Thanksgiving on Wednesdays and Fridays. We've had Christmas a weekend late and a weekend early before. It's not the date we are celebrating, it's being together.
     
  12. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

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    Nov 26, 2009

    Thanksgiving in my family has never been a huge thing. My entire life, it was my mom and my sister. On years my parents got along, my dad would come. Other years, he would call and stop by later in the evening to see us. As I have gotten older, my parents get along much better. My dad and step dad are actually friends (weird). One Thanksgiving, it was my mom, sister, step dad and dad (and me of course).

    On Easter, we would wake up at my mom's and go with my dad around noonish.

    Christmas didn't really change. It has been the same my entire life. Christmas Eve is when my mom's family gets together. Christmas Day is when my dad's family gets together.
    When we were really young (parents split when I was 5 and my sister was 6 weeks), my dad would sleep on the couch on Christmas Eve.

    The divorce papers said we would be with my mom for every holiday and that my dad could have visitation rights in the afternoon.
     

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