Am I wrong?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by mrachelle87, Jul 21, 2015.

  1. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jul 21, 2015

    My daughter asked for an American Girl closet for the clothes four years ago for Christmas. My brother in law built her one. It was over 2 1/2 feet tall and was the size of an end table. What she really wanted was just a simple plastic carrier that held the clothes and doll...it was $24 at Target. My sister has made several comments about the cost of the supplies for the closet. The next year he built her a doll bed, it was twice as expensive as the one she wanted. But he just had to do it his way. He spent hours welding on it. He bought new tools to complete it. It end up costing a small fortune. All she wanted was something simple like this...
    http://www.americangirl.com/shop/beds-bedding/kits-bed-bedding-ckb89


    She will be 13 in August. She asked for a new bed and bedding. My husband, son, and I built her a platform bed with storage. Her room is 10 x 9. She wanted to get rid of stuff in her room. She sold her old bed, dresser, some toys, stuff animals, DS, and the silly closet. My sister saw where a friend posted on that her granddaughter would love the closet. She made the remark, "Isn't that nice!" Today I got a text from her that "______ wants the bed that he made T back. He does not want it sold." This ****** me off. In my opinion, once you give a gift it is that person's to do with it as they please. I think my sister is out of line. I responded, "T placed it in the attic. She was keeping it for her children. If ___________ would like it, come get it." She responded with, " _____________ just does not want it sold like the closet!"

    My mother says I was hateful. I believe my sister and brother in law were out of line. My brother in law is in his 60's and has no children. There are no other siblings to give it to. I believe that both items are T's to do as she pleases. She used the money from the closet and a few toys to buy a new area rug for her room. She only kept one piece of furniture from before the new bed--a shelf her dad made her when she was two. And her mattress. She wants to be a big kid...not a little girl. I am proud of her for trying to earn the money to redecorate it herself. She choose what to get rid of and what to keep...and if truth be told; she would have sold the bed, but I talked her out of it.

    I was so upset with her...she called my mother crying because "Mrachelle made T sell her stuff that Uncle _____ made her." "Mrachelle's husband is jealous of the wonderful stuff Uncle _____ can build." I am spitting nails. I blocked her from my facebook and refuse to discuss this anymore with my mother. My mother thinks I should apologize and call my friend and get the closet back. I said, "NO! T made a deal and it stands."

    Who is wrong? I am so mad right now I am not sure I am thinking correctly.

    Background...My BIL is older than my mother. My sister is younger than I am by 12 years. She can not have children because of illness. My BIL does have a son that is 23 years old and lives with his mother. He has saw BIL once in the last 18 months. He does not drive, does not go to school, and works with his mother cleaning houses when he wants money. My children were very close to my sister before BIL came along. Since their marriage, he determines when they come to visit, how long they stay, and what they do when they are here. I spent three weeks with them last summer and I was so uncomfortable the whole time I was there. He said less than twenty words to me. I made dinner most nights. One night I stopped to pick up pizza on the way home. I called to find out the kind to get. He threw a fit and changed the order when my sister told him what she told me to order. I ended up with three types of pizza and a box of wings for three people. He does crap like that all the time.
     
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  3. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jul 21, 2015

    For the BIL being so alienating/distant/unwarm, etc., I'm surprised he wanted to build that stuff for your daughter & even buy tools, put so much time & effort, etc.!

    Yes, once something is a gift, they can do whatever they want with them. Of course if it's a gift from a close & loving person, one would hope that the recipient of the gift would like to hold onto it for sentimental reasons, but your BIL is aloof & cold, which is why I said it was puzzling why he did all that building to begin with. But I see in this situation why your daughter doesn't care to hold onto the items.

    This reminds me of a story involving my BF & his twin bro. Back when my BF was around 20 (I didn't know him back then), he bought his demanding, smug, overbearing twin a used muscle car to be a nice bro when he ran into a bit of money. His twin (the demanding one) sold it about 4-6 months later because he's the type who's never satisfied with anything for too long. Of course he didn't give his bro even a little bit of the money he sold it for, in which he got more than what my BF paid for it since he fixed it up some before selling it. Back then, my BF I guess didn't look at it as being unappreciative & felt since it was a gift, he could do with it as he pleased. But the principle is that his twin's a smug a-hole who'll take everyone's money/gifts if they gave it to him. I view it as his twin really taking advantage of his bro.

    Looking back now, my BF wouldn't have bought him that car, but it's all over now. :mad: Even I wish my BF had that money back that he spent then & I'm sure my BF wishes that too.
     
  4. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jul 21, 2015

    Well, so are you saying my 12 year old (almost 13) daughter should give dear uncle _______ $20....half of what she got for it?

    In my opinion, he builds this stuff because he is trying to get brownie points with my mother. For example, he and my sister were ugly because my husband got my mother tickets to see the OKC Thunder for Christmas the last two years. I drive her, my husband, and my kids to the game. I drop them off. I pick them up and then we go to dinner. By me driving them, they save hours parking and walking to and from the event. My sister has made comments about my husband trying to "out do her husband." No, my husband and I have been married for 30 years. My husband is not close to his parents. So he does everything for my mom. He has lunch with her twice a week. He checks on her at least two or three times a week. He has even taken her to get a colonoscopy! My kids are her only grandkids. My sister has made comments for years that I use my mom for free babysitting. My mother moved to the town I teach at seven years ago when my dad died. My sister is two and half hours away.

    This summer my mom asked for flowers for her flower bed for her birthday. My daughter and I went and picked out a large potted plant and a gift card to a greenhouse. My sister and BIL showed up with his tools in the back of his truck. They told my mom that they were either going to build her a shed or buy her a dog for her birthday. My mother picked the shed. It hacked my sister off when my mother asked my husband and son to come help BIL build the shed. Everything is a competition and I am tired of it. It use to be that my sister competed with me...now it is with my children. My son is a junior in college. My sister is going back to school. She made a comment about his grades and how she was going to have a better grade point. She works full time and takes two classes at a time. He works 40 hours a week at a metal shop and takes 18 hours a semester. It makes me upset that she tries to belittle him. Then she told my aunt that my mother was "raising mrachelle's daughter." My daughter spends Saturday night three times a month. My mother takes her to church with her and I pick her up Sunday afternoon. My mother did keep my daughter when my son was in high school and played football. My daughter and mother did not enjoy going to the games, so I will leave them together and at times leave T for the whole weekend. That is not raising my daughter.
     
  5. bros

    bros Phenom

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    Jul 22, 2015

    It sounds like your sister is stuck in a juvenile state of mind and her husband views everything as a competition.

    Has she always been this way, or is she at an age where a lot of people around her might be having children, or posting a lot of pictures of their children online? It could be something stemming from her inability to have children - or it could just be a controlling spouse.
     
  6. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jul 22, 2015

    She is handicap and she has always been protected by my parents. She was "displaced" when my son was born. Then when my daughter was born she was in college and was upset that my mom and dad would come to my home on the weekend to see the kids. She was invited, but she didn't like sharing my dad with them. Her first husband was abusive (emotionally and verbally) and when she divorced she removed herself from all of us. She quit college her junior year, second semester and moved three and half hours away. She moved in with a guy that abused her. We never met him because she wouldn't tell us where she lived. His aunt moved her out into her own apartment. She then allowed us contact with her. We traveled to see her. I would buy her gas cards so she could come visit.

    I was 12 when she was born. When I went off to college I treated her like she was my child. People thought she was mine because she was tiny for her age. My husband would take her with us on dates and get gifts for her. When our son came along, we couldn't afford to do as much. I think that she felt misplaced. Then when she rebeled, I took my parent's side and that really hurt our relationship.
     
  7. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    Jul 22, 2015

    The presents belong to your daughter. If she wanted to use them for firewood, she would have every right.
     
  8. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jul 22, 2015

    I agree, teacherintexas. At least she was not destroying them.
     
  9. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    Jul 22, 2015

    Ugh, sorry that is happening to you! My husband's brother makes ev-er-y-thing a competition. He chooses to live 4 hours away, yet faults us because we see his parents too often. We also get the free babysitting accusation. How is it my fault when my father-in-law calls us and begs us to let him take my son for the day? It used to really bother me, but I have learned to let it go, even though deep down it still tans my hide.

    I like your answer-if he wants it, come and get it. Otherwise, I would make sure any future posts are hidden to her, and go on with your plan. You can't let someone else's baggage bring you down.
     
  10. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jul 22, 2015

    Kcjo13, I did block her from my facebook. I refuse to discuss it anymore. The sad part is that my daughter is a people pleaser. She is upset that her aunt is mad and that she might have hurt her uncles feelings. It didn't help that my mother told her that she hurt my sister's feelings. I am boiling...the only feelings that matter in this mess is my daughter's. She is still a kid.
     
  11. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    Jul 22, 2015

    How sad that such a mature and responsible action by your daughter is leading to such immaturity from adults around her. She should be commended for learning the lesson that sometimes, getting something you want means you need to give up something you value.

    Kids grow up. They get new interests. Little girls put their dolls away. Your brother-in-law should have known that the day would come when your daughter would no longer have need for those things.

    Personally, I'd probably just send them a check for $40, and tell them that any future presents to your daughter be given with the mindset that she is a young teenager whose interests change, as all kids' interests change.
     
  12. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Jul 22, 2015

    I would not send any money.

    These people are just plain bullies and you are not letting them bully you or your family any longer. Your daughter is behaving very maturely like the adult you are raising her to be.

    It's unfortunate that she has to experience this crap with family members, but, I'm sure you are giving her the support she needs.

    Hopefully, you will not have to lessen your ties with in-town family, but that extended part of the family can go jump in a lake.
     
  13. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    Jul 22, 2015

    I agree that if he wants it then just let him take it. At this point, it seems like nothing will really make them happy. I know it's family but I would avoid most contact with them in the future.
     
  14. WarriorPrncss

    WarriorPrncss Companion

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    Jul 22, 2015

    I wouldn't send money. Children grow out of their toys, sometimes they're kept for sentimental value and sometimes not.

    I'd only see it being inappropriate if she sold it within a short time of receiving it, but ultimately, a gift is a gift. It wasn't a family heirloom.

    Edit: I also keep certain family members blocked/not friended on facebook because not seeing their everyday postings and having them comment of what I put out there is better for all of us. Even my sister... we're only 5 years apart, but when it comes to certain things I am more responsible and level headed and she is a total 180 from me. Generally speaking, we get along MUCH better when we have less contact.
     
  15. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    When my sister was in high school, we were super close. She and my mother play these games where they try to lead people into believing that my children "trust" and "tell" them more than they do me. My son is 22 and he probably does a share stories that would drive me crazy to know about parties at college with my sister. He does not share with my mother because she "preaches" at him. I am frustrated with my sister telling people that my mother has "raised" my daughter. My mother suffers from depression and will not take medicine. When she gets in a major funk, my sister will talk about her; but, then tell mom that it was the other family member that says it.

    The last two fights my mother and I have had have been over my sister's lies. She plays not only my mother, but my aunts. My mother's youngest sister is closer to me than anyone else in the family. She spends all major holidays--4th of July, Thanksgiving, and Christmas--with my family. I invite all the family to my home for these holidays. Last year my sister and mother threw a fit that everyone was coming to my house. I told my mother that we would come to her house. I am still expected to cook the major part of the meal and then I had to transport it to my mom. When they come to my house my sister never brings anything. And she and her husband never help clean up. I have dreamed of a family that is close and has those perfect family holidays. But right at this moment I just want to have my aunt and uncle join just my immediate family at my home for the holidays.


    I am sorry for venting on here. I am trying not to say anything on facebook or to either on the phone. I have chosen to ignore the last few phone calls from my mother. I have had my daughter to check on my mom...she is diabetic. When my mom starts talking about all of this with her, I have my husband get my daughter off the phone. I don't want to bring my extended family into this. Since my dad died it has felt like me against the two of them. My husband loves my mom and wants my kids close to her (as do I), but he is even fed up. He said last night that my 32 year old sister acted more immature than our 12 year old. And he is not a fan of my BIL. He has tried to include him in activities...golf, hunting, target practice, and some welding projects. BIL just whines or tries to take over. My husband is the most easy going guy. He might hate you, but you would never know. He never raises his voice or looses his cool. Last Christmas I was trying so hard. I not only did Christmas eve at my house. I cooked 60% of the Christmas day meal and transported it to my mother. So on the 26th I invited them over (they were at my mother's just 18 minutes away) for dinner and cards. My sister loves my chicken enchiladas. I made those and a whole Mexican feast. I cooked all day. Thirty minutes before they were suppose to be here, my sister sent a text to my son telling him that Uncle D has a headache and they can't come. Later my mom lets it slip that they went shopping instead. My husband became irate. He told me I was not to go out of my way for them again. He told my mother how upset he was with not only them, but her for covering for them.

    I just want that Brady Bunch family. I am so tired of it.
     
  16. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jul 22, 2015

    Definitely not. If he wanted to build that stuff, that's on him. I was just describing a story that your issue reminded me of. That's why I especially wanted to say this part in my post:

     
  17. DHE

    DHE Connoisseur

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    It sounds as though your sister wants to be treated like a baby instead of a grown woman. I would pray about it and ask God to let your family find some peace from this situation. I hope that you and your mother can mend your ties. Remember, it is not your fault that you sister and her husband chooses to lives farther away than you do. It seems to be common sense that you and your mother would be closer because you are nearer.
     
  18. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    I was chewed out by my mother today because I posted something on Facebook. My mom asked my sister if she saw it....prayer request for family friend's baby. My sister went looking and discovered I had blocked her. She told my mom that I was being mean and I was unreasonable. My mom called to get on to me. I felt that if my sister was going to passive aggressive or a tattle tail then I didn't need her on my Facebook. My mother yelled at me because I was being a bully.


    Now I feel guilty. I leave on Saturday to go to Vegas on vacation. I hate leaving with my mom, but I know her well enough to know I need to avoid her for a week or so.
     
  19. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    Feel free to vent. I have one relative that, sadly to say, if he got abducted by aliens tomorrow nobody would care! Actually, they'd have a party!! Anyone know of any aliens that would want a immature, unethical, pathetic 50 year old?? Anyone??
     
  20. WarriorPrncss

    WarriorPrncss Companion

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    If you find one I've got a couple aunts they could pick up, too!
     
  21. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    I'm still looking :lol:
     
  22. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Aug 3, 2015

    My BIL is in Tulsa if that alien ship would like to stop by.
     

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