Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by scienceteach82, Apr 2, 2008.
Apr 2, 2008
My advice to you is simple. Run, do not walk, away from this relationship. If he thinks this is normal or acceptable, then there is a SERIOUS problem ... and no, "she" isn't the problem... his thought process (or dare I say "lack of thought" process) is the problem.
Well, his ex is going to be part of his life forever because they share a child. However, they divorced so it is not his responsibility to keep HER happy! And it is not reasonable to expect you to interact with the ex except as pertains to the well being of the child.
You are going to have to ask yourself if you want to be a part of this three-some - ex, man, and you - for the rest of your life. If you can handle it and not let it bug you, go for it. If not, get out while you can. She is not going away, and apparently he either feels some guilt over the issue or still cares about her.
I would never want to mingle with an ex of my husband! (He has no ex.) I can barely keep myself from scratching out the eyes of women who I can tell think he is attractive!!! I demand his complete devotion, and he gets mine. I admire people who can get along and be cordial in a mixed bag, but to be friends or hang out? Never.
I tend to agree with RainStorm on this one. If he's willing to pay for a gym membership to "keep her happy", there's no telling what else she'll ask him for in order to keep her happy "for the sake of their daughter".
Some people can handle such things - I am not one of them and I sure want you to know that you don't have to accept this - you have a right to feel how you feel.
My dad remarried, but I know he always loved my mom. He and his wife went to her funeral! I don't know - my suspicion is that once 2 people have a child together, there is a bond that can't be broken. You might think about talking to him about your feelings and see if you can come up with a plan you both agree on.
I'm glad you recognize that this is a bit "Jerry..."
Why would you stay in this type of relationship? If you think he is going to change, I can tell you right now, he isn't.
I mean, if you don't mind sharing him with another woman, then I have to wonder what is wrong with you! I don't mean to be blunt or mean-spirited, but know no other way to say it.
The problem isn't that he wants to do these things for his ex. It is that you are staying in a relationship where the man is not, and never will be, committed to you...because he will always be committeed to his ex FIRST.
Take it from someone who is a bit older (and hopefully wiser)...leopards don't change their spots. This is how he is going to be.
Is this what you want as husband/soulmate/companion material?
Walk, no run from this relationship.
You deserve the best there is.
Wait..... as long as necessary to be in a relationship that is healthy for you.
Life is short, we make choices, we live with the choices we make.....
RUN! he will always be connected to this other woman through his child.
aww . . . I'm sorry you are going through this. To me the most telling statement is that he won't talk about things because you are just going to argue. I've been married 23 years and we ARGUE - but we wrap it up with a decision we both can live with. That is what a relationship is all about.
All I can say is maybe you two should get some counseling, like premarital counseling, to see if this is going anywhere. Sorry - I know this stuff is really hard. I had a good share of heartbreak before I got married.
Quote: "I hate wasting so much of my life on losers!"
Life is too short. Leave.
May I suggest getting some counseling...for yourself. To find out why you keep choosing men that are not able to committ themselves to you (one by reason of drugs and alcohol, and one by reason of an attachment to an ex). Please don't think I'm saying something is wrong with you so "get some help!" I'm not! I'm saying that ALL of us need to examine our choices and how to get to our goals. A good therapist is an excellent way to do this.
I've personally seen a therapist at many junctions in my life, and have found it to be the most rewarding experience. The insight you gain is worth any amount of financial cost ... and there are places where you can been seen on a sliding scale if money or a lack of insurance is an issue.
It will help you find and build on all the good qualities in yourself, and it will help you extinguish the harmful qualities in favor of healthy ones.
What your counselor said sounds like what my dad said to me once! He said I was trying to save the world one boyfriend at a time. I spent several years in counseling dealing with my issues stemming from bad relationships, my dad and stepmom, and my mom's death. I'm very thankful for just having the opportunity to talk to someone who will listen.
My co-worker is in a similar situation. I thought she had seen the light and ended things, but she's back with him again and is miserable.
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