Am I being selfish?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by ecteach, Feb 28, 2015.

  1. ecteach

    ecteach Groupie

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    Feb 28, 2015

    My husband has made me very mad, and I'm here asking for advice, or to see if I am possibly wrong.

    Background....
    I am basically a single mother, because my husband works all night long--12 hr shifts. So, he leaves the house at 5:00 pm, and returns around 7:00 am every morning. He was weekends off. Is this his fault? Absolutely not! He makes a lot more money than I do, and we need him to have THIS job. He's worked his way up in the company, and does not have a college degree. Him getting a different job is NOT a possibility.

    Here's the issue: Our child is our only child, and we will not be having more. He is a typical only child. He is perfectly fine never interacting with another human being. Therefore, we try to keep him involved in activities. This year this has become increasingly more difficult for me to manage. He plays baseball, and is good at it. He's always played for the league here in town, and it is sub-par at best. The coaches are usually not very skilled in coaching, but they volunteer their time, so God bless them. In the past, all of his coaches have been very laid back, and haven't pushed the children to do things they don't want to do.

    My husband wants me to sign our son up for a league in a neighboring city (45 minutes away). He has a friend at work who runs the program, and it is very nice. It's more expensive, but they actually pay the coaches, and they are much more skilled.

    I told my husband I would not do this.. The practices start at 6:00, and honestly, I'm at work until at least 5:00 most days. He says I am being selfish, and I should make it work.

    I also have to add that my son is a struggling learner. He was tested for a learning disability, but did not meet the criteria. However, he does have issues learning multi-step material. Homework can take him up to 2 hrs a night. I don't see wasting an hour and a half of driving time when he could just play ball right down the street.

    Please tell me I'm not being selfish.....
     
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  3. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    Feb 28, 2015

    No. I don't think you are not being selfish. You are being realistic with the amount of time taking him to this other league will entail and the amount of time your son needs to do his required work.

    If baseball is anything there like it is here it is a multi-night commitment with weekend games. 45 minutes away is just too much.
     
  4. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Feb 28, 2015

    45 minutes is too much. That's an hour and a half just driving plus the time playing ball. That times however many nights they practice and then game time. That will get you home around nine o'clock on school nights. Way too late for dinner, homework, bath time, and relaxing.

    Tell your husband to find a program that he can take his son to on weekends.
     
  5. ecteach

    ecteach Groupie

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    Feb 28, 2015

    I DID!!! LOL!!
     
  6. janlee

    janlee Devotee

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    Feb 28, 2015

    You made no mention as to whether or not your son wants to do this. Also, may I ask how old your son is? Does your son have to try out to make the team? Is this a traveling team? Are there any other boys from your town that you could possibly carpool with? Need some more info before I can give you my opinion.
     
  7. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Feb 28, 2015

    I would never take on that kind of commitment, so I'm glad you put your foot down.
     
  8. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Feb 28, 2015

    You are not being selfish! That is too much time wasted traveling.
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Feb 28, 2015

    No, you're not selfish at all. You're being realistic & using common sense. Tell buster that unless he can clone himself to take your son himself, then no way! :mad:

    Is there a way you can show him how much you're running ragged as it is?
     
  10. ecteach

    ecteach Groupie

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    Feb 28, 2015

    Yes, he REALLY wants to do it. No, he doesn't have to try out. It is not a traveling team. We live in a suburb of a larger city, and this team is in the larger city. There would be much more competition, and room for growth.
     
  11. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Mar 1, 2015

    Oh, I remember those days.

    You don't say how old your child is, that may make a difference. Is your son old enough to do homework in the car while you drive? Or listen to an audio book or read? That way it won't feel like wasted time.

    As for his learning struggles, can he follow multi-step directions? What about investing in a tutor?

    It's a decision that you need to make with your husband. Good luck.
     
  12. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    That is important, but going from an area where the teams are not as robust but her child is really good to an area where teams are much better might put the excelling child in the average area for the sport. It happens all the time. Sometimes people are the big fish in a little pond but when they find their way to a large lake they find they aren't all that big anymore.

    I'm not saying this is the absolute truth for her son, but it is something that has to be carefully weighed when the reasoning for the change is to help the child feel the top of the game.
     
  13. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    Mar 1, 2015

    As a "may as well be single" mom, I am familiar with the scenario, except it was the son wanting desperately to do these things, not pressure from my husband. We did basketball, varied track and field events, and music lessons halfway across the state (OK, so NJ is only about 60 miles wide). My son had a 504 plan, and it took him hours to complete his HW every night. However, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. He learned to budget his time, he learned perseverance, he learned patience, he learned to accept defeat as well as the thrill of success, and he spent HOURS in the front seat next to me discussing problems with school, sex, how to drive, social awkwardness issues, and the list could go on forever. These drives were the times when it was just the two of us, and true communication occurred. FYI, the grown son loves to watch basketball, still runs for his health, and the music lessons put him on the path to teaching. To this day, if he asks if he can go with me to Sam's Club or anywhere that is about a 45 minute drive, he is usually looking for that quiet time where it is just the two of us, and he invariably wants me to listen, possibly suggest, generally respond to something he has on his mind. So, although I sat in bleachers, parked on lawn chairs, and literally sat in my car doing lesson plans, grading papers, or whatever needed doing, I would not have missed these times with my son for the world.

    If you choose to do this, do it because it is important to your son now, not because you were coerced by your husband. Use the activity to introduce the concept that school comes first, so although you are willing to give on this, his response will need to be renewed effort without whining when it comes to the hard stuff, like homework and getting help/tutoring as needed. Make the two dependent, athletics and academics as a symbiotic relationship, then stick to it. Instead of letting him retreat into headphones or his other electronic devices on the trips to and from, make it "we time", where there will be real conversation, meaning that both parties have to do more than issue one word answers while the other does all of the talking. That is a "contract" between you and your son, and has nothing to do with your husband.

    This can be hard, it can be stressful, yet more rewarding in ways you haven't even considered yet. I don't know the age of your son, but I can tell you that the time I spent and shared with my son forged a bond that time can not break. I came to truly know his heart, his dreams, his fears, and his way of looking at the world. He learned that mom would never let him down on purpose, mom was creative with time and work, and mom always put him first in her heart and actions. In other words, it was a true win/win.

    Only you can decide if this works for you, but I just suggest looking at the REALLY big picture as you weigh the pros and cons. Your son almost certainly will never be a professional athlete, but he will be your only son for the rest of your life.

    Good luck. :hugs:
     
  14. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    When my kids were younger (they are 24 and 21 now), I spent countless hours driving to and from practices, games and tournaments. The kids did homework in the car when they could and I did planning and marking sitting on the sidelines. We all put in some loooong days and lots and lots of miles. I did 80% of the driving--my husband works almost an hour from home and he wasn't home before the "fun" began. I was lucky to work only 10 minutes from home, so it was do-able. At the time, there were certainly days I resented it, but looking back, I wouldn't change it. Their experiences with sport--the friendships they made and the skills they developed on and off the field helped make them into the fine young adults they are.

    Having said all that, I don't think that you are being selfish--every family needs to do what works for them.
     
  15. Koriemo

    Koriemo Comrade

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    Mar 2, 2015

    Can you see if any other families want to do this too so you can carpool?

    How old is your son? The older he is, the more likely I would be to do something like this. I wouldn't do it for a 7 year old, but for a 12 year old, I would consider it.

    I don't think it's selfish at all, if you can't handle it, but if I were in your shoes, I would explore my options.
     

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