Am I being evil? Family drama

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Danny'sNanny, Sep 15, 2008.

  1. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    Sep 15, 2008

    I am getting married next summer.
    We are keeping the wedding very small (50 people), partly because of location and partly because of cost.

    My mom keeps giving my grief because I do not want to invite my father.

    I have not seen the man in over 10 years. I don't talk to him. I send him a Christmas card each year, and that's the extent of our communication.

    My step-dad raised me. He is my DAD. Not some other guy I barely know. My step-dad will give me away, because he's the one that has been there for me.

    I don't want to bump someone from the list that is actually a part of my life for a stranger.

    My mom thinks I'm not being fair and that he should have the choice to come if he wants. I think that he's lost that choice a long time ago.

    Am I being evil?:dizzy:
     
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  3. GlendaLL

    GlendaLL Aficionado

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    No! You're not being evil! Planning a wedding is stressful for everyone. Could it be that your mother doesn't want your natural father to blame her that he wasn't invited?

    Gently remind your mother that this is your day and you have decided on who to invite.
     
  4. Lives4Math

    Lives4Math Comrade

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    I don't think you are. It's your big day, if you don't want him there that's YOUR choice!
     
  5. jenngugs

    jenngugs Companion

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    If you're paying, you get to decide who to invite, plain and simple.
    If it's hugely important to your mother that your father be there, ask her to pay for him and his guest.
     
  6. assiram2021

    assiram2021 Guest

    Sep 15, 2008

    In all honesty you are being truthfull and sincere in what you are saying and feeling and I also agree.

    I have a question though, do you think that maybe the list could be 51 instead of 50? That way you get your mom of your back and since the likelyhood of the guy showing up is next to 0, you don't have to worry about having to take out anyone who you know will come and be happy for you. I don't know it's just a suggestion.

    I understand how you feel about Christmas cards and next to no communication with your father. My mother (we are from Puerto Rico) has several aunts and uncles that came here to the US more than 50 years ago and other the one Christmas card and/or a phone call or letter maybe once a year tops there is no other communication going on between them. So I can see where you are coming from with not really feeling the need to include.

    But to answer your question NO YOU ARE NOT BEING EVIL!
     
  7. MissWull

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    Not at all. Why even give him the choice, it's your day...you made it for him because he has already made the choice for several years not to contact you. Plain and simple! I'm glad to hear at least you did have a father figure around though, it's nice to hear when someone steps into those shoes and they don't have to.
     
  8. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    We all wish we could hv a great relationship w/ our parents. You're an adult & this is your day, so if you don't want him there, you shouldn't be made to invite him.

    You said that YOU send him a crd every Christmas, but does HE ever mk any effort to communicate w/ you?
     
  9. hdb2008

    hdb2008 Rookie

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    When my husband and I got married 6 years ago he went through the same thing. He had not had a father/son relationship with his dad for over 20 years, and he was very undecisive on whether or not he wanted him at our wedding. He wanted my opinion and I didn't know what to tell him. The only thing I could think to do was ask him a few questions. I asked him if he would be able to accept not having his dad there and he couldn't answer that. My last question is what made up his mind. I just simply asked if he would ever want a relationship with is dad and would he want our future children to know their grandfather. My husband made up his mind that he DID want his father there.

    I am happy to say that my husband and his father do have a relationship now after they missed out on one for so long. The relationship is not a father/son relationship but of that of a friend. And they both seem happy with this.

    You might want to ask yourself those questions and see what your truthful answers are.
     
  10. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    He does not send Christmas cards, e-mails, or anything else.
    He has called me once in the last 3 years, actually on my birthday for the first time ever, but I would almost guarantee that he was reminded by my grandma :lol: Several years ago, I flew across the country and stayed with his ex so that I could see my little brothers. When my brother told him I was there, my "father" told my brother, "You don't have a sister."

    I doubt he even knows my fiancee's name.

    If we could have everyone we wanted there, it would be over 100. We have gotten the list trimmed down to around 60, and it's going to have to go smaller. I just can't imagine trading someone I know and love for someone that I've only seen a few times in my life.

    He is not my father. To me, he is just some guy that happend to be married to my mom twenty years ago!
     
  11. RainStorm

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    If you raise your limit to 52 (Dad and a guest) and ask mom to absorb the cost, you won't be turning anyone else away and it might not be so hard to swallow.

    Does your father deserve an invite? Of course not.

    Should you be the bigger person and invite him anyway? Well, I'd have to say that in this world it is rare that doing the right thing brings anything but joy.

    Think of it this way -- you aren't hurting your dad by not inviting him -- you are hurting your mom! For whatever reason, she wants him to be there.

    In the interest of family harmony, sometimes it is better to "bend over backwards."

    And the truth is, if you are trying to make a statement to your dad by not inviting him (and I certainly wouldn't blame you if you were) then inviting him and letting him see how happy you are with your stepdad giving you away and all your friends and family would be a much more powerful statement.
     
  12. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    When I turned 18, I told him I was done. That if he emailed, wrote, called, etc I would answer, but that I would not contact him. I was tired of making an effort to someone who didn't want a relationship. It can't be the kid's job to float the entire relationship!

    My kids will know their grandfather- my "Dad" can be grandfather to them just as well as he was a dad to me. DNA isn't what makes family.
     
  13. RainStorm

    RainStorm Phenom

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    I'm so glad your step-father has been an incredible father to you, and filled that void in your life. You are totally right about DNA not making a family.

    My nephews have FIVE sets of grandparents, (yep -- ten grandparents!) Only three are their DNA grandparents -- but they have a special relationship with all of them. I tell them all the time how blessed they are to have so many people love them. The one "biologicial" grandparent who isn't in the picture molested the children's mother as a child, and is not allowed anyplace near them! The step-grandparent who stepped into that place is more of a grandfather than anyone could ever be.
     
  14. adventuresofJ

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    Evil? hahah... no... If you dont want him there.. then don't invite him. You can always send an announcement if you feel the need for him to know when it is or that you are in fact getting married.
     
  15. Ms. I

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    Danny'sNanny, that was cold when you said your biological dad told your bros that they don't have a sis. It's great that since your biological dad wasn't around, you have such a great stepdad for support & love.

    My parents have been married for 36 yrs now. It's the only marriage for both of them & I'm their only child. My dad & I aren't that close. He has this coldness/seriousness about him. He had a rough childhood where he didn't have a chance to be a kid, so he doesn't know how to interact well. But, he loves me & would do anything in the world for me.
     
  16. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    I agree with RainStorm make it 52
    this is your chance to say "I made it without you"
    this is also the chance to be the bigger person
    and
    it just might help him become a better parent or grandparent when that happens

    When it comes to divorce or just a split up you never really know the dynamics of it no matter how close you are to the epicenter.
     
  17. DHE

    DHE Connoisseur

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    I would not say that it is being evil, I would say that maybe you are still bitter because your biological father said that you were not your brother's sister. In a sense, he denied your existence and you would like to make him feel the hurt that he made you feel.

    In your mother's defense and as a mother of children who are still hurting from having a father that has not been there for them, I would tell them the same thing that your mother is telling you. I try to teach my children that the bible says to "honor your father and your mother." If he did nothing else for you or them(my children), he did give you life. Without him you would not exist. I know this is hard, just remember that we should conquer evil with good. Chances are he will be too embarass to attend your wedding. I like what someone said in a previous post that in the process of inviting your father, you will be making your mother happy.

    Remember ultimately the decision is between you and your soon to be husband. I hope that whatever decision you make, it will be one that you can live with.
     
  18. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    Another point is-

    He is not the only person my mom thinks I should add to the list.

    She's pushing for every aunt, uncle, cousin, friend of hers, etc. Including her half-sister we found on the internet that she's met once.
    She says she doesn't want anyone to feel left out.
     
  19. sugar001

    sugar001 Rookie

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    you are right- your father is the one who raised you. Self centered daddy deserves nothing. He wasn't there for the braces, the proms, the dr. bills, advice, hand holding-

    warm regards
     
  20. mmswm

    mmswm Moderator

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    I don't think you're evil...I think you're human. This man has caused a lot of pain and grief in your life. It's understandable that you wouldn't want him there, but, as DHE said, he did give you life, if nothing else. As others have pointed out, the chances that he will come are small, so you're taking a very small risk by inviting him. If you do invite him, there will be a lot of benefit to YOU. You get to be the bigger person, you make your mom happy, and if he does come, you get the chance to show him exactly what he's missed all these years.
     
  21. DHE

    DHE Connoisseur

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    your mom must understand that this is your wedding and you are going to have to remember that you can not please everyone and there has to be a cut-off.
     
  22. mmswm

    mmswm Moderator

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    That is something else entirely. I had a very small wedding, and I had to make many of the same choices. Most people are very understanding, and those who aren't probably don't deserve the invite to begin with.
     
  23. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Danny do what you want to do it's your wedding. If you haven't seen your father in over ten years don't feel guilty about it.

    My mother doesn't want me to invite my father. She actually said he isn't invited if he doesn't help pay. BLAH!
     
  24. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    The sad thing is that, if your biological father didn't acknowledge you to your brother, there's a strong chance he wouldn't show up to your wedding.

    As for your mother, if she doesn't want anyone to feel left out, can she throw a separate reception to welcome your soon-to-be husband to the family? That way she can have her own (out of pocket) party where she has say over who is there.

    Trust me when I suggest you take a sanity break and pour over www.etiquettehell.com/ for other stories just as crazy as yours. It will make you feel better to know you aren't alone AND it'll make you laugh a lot.
     
  25. lilmisses1014

    lilmisses1014 Comrade

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    This is when Bridezilla can rear her lovely head. This is YOUR day, not hers. DH and I had 90 people at our wedding and reception (104 RSVPs... a few aunts and uncles and cousins on his side couldn't be bothered to attend our wedding even after yelling at my MIL that we should KNOW they'd never miss our wedding for the world), and that was perfect. Again, it's your day and you should get to enjoy yourself, your marriage, your new life, etc... you don't want to have to spend much of it saying "hello" to people.

    As far as your father goes, you're not being evil. I went through this myself, only it was my biological mother. We're estranged, though I do travel cross-country to see her every few years. The woman my brothers and I call "mom" is really our step-mom, though she's loved us like her own since she married my dad. Anyway, I say extend the invite to your dad. It's his choice whether he comes or not.
     
  26. Malcolm

    Malcolm Enthusiast

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    Well, you could always jump on a jet and get married in Reno or Las Vegas. Then your mother could have a reception afterward and invite whoever she wants.

    I like the idea of separate wedding and reception lists. Maybe, keep the wedding intimate and expand the list for the reception to keep your mother happy.
     
  27. JustMe

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    I see no reason to "be the bigger person" and invite your father. And if you did decide to invite him, I don't think that would fall into the category of "being the bigger person"...I think it just means you have a little hope in him left.

    I don't bend over backwards for the sake of family harmony.
     
  28. Mamacita

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    It's your day. Invite ONLY the people you want there. Pay no attention to anybody else's opinion. It's not their concern. If you don't want a certain person at your wedding, that person should not be there and nobody should try to talk you into it.

    I wish people would butt out of other people's weddings! It's so intrusive and wrong.
     
  29. Grammy Teacher

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    This is such a personal choice of yours that I can't tell you what to do.I don't know your Dad or his circumstances. I don't know what words you have exchanged or what has happened in your lives. What I want to say to you is, go with your gut instinct. Do what your heart tells you to do. This is not a matter of ettiquette, it's a matter of heart. Sometimes you have to pray on a situation and it will become clear to you. Ask for help and make a decision and then forget it and enjoy your special day knowing you did the right thing.
     
  30. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    Blah.
    I'm trying to plan a simple easy wedding, and my mom keeps making it stressful!

    We have had so many huge fights over it already, and it's still almost a year away!

    She hates the location, the colors, the date...blah blah blah.
    We're having it in a mountain resort town a few hours from home. We are going to rent a cabin for the bridesmaids and groomsmen and stay a week. We are getting married on the 6th anniversary of when we started dating. The location is a place that basically just does weddings- we give them $2500 and they do everything- the meal, the decorations, setting up, a place for the ceremony and reception- easy peasy for me! ;)

    My mom wants me to change the date and get married in my hometown the day my sis graduates hs, so that people aren't "inconvenienced" by having to do things two weekends in one summer!
    Well, I think having a wedding a week after I finish student teaching and graduate would be inconvenient for ME!!! Not to mention, does my sis really want to share her graduation day? Yeah right.

    I did want to have it in her yard, till she said she would not allow any of my fiancee's family in. That changed things.

    I don't want to be bridezilla. I want to be calm. I will not scream or jump out a window.
     
  31. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I'll never understand why certain mothers are this way for their daughter's special day.

    THIS is why eloping was invented! You should do that! :D
     
  32. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Stop take a deep breath
    think about the requests from mom
    tell her to calmly tell you the hows and whys of her requests, listen and give her your hows and wherefores

    and then have 3 fingers of tequila :dizzy:

    My silly male mind thinks heck how nice only one weekend to travel and get a twofer, a graduation and a wedding how nice of the bride.

    Your wedding will be only one day out of the rest of your life (4 days if you are me) together with you fiancee.
    To tell the truth its really not that important as when you have your first born, when you buy your first house, when one of your parents pass on or when one of you pass on.
    I know it is your day .... but it's not the only day of the rest of your life.
    Many spend more time on a wedding than a marriage. But that is just this old war horse's :2cents:
    ----------------------------------------------------
    But why "till she said she would not allow any of my fiancee's family in."?? Is she against the wedding?
     
  33. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Danny,
    Don't do it don't bend to your mother's will. I'm assuming you are paying for the wedding yourself. Don't tell her any more details.

    It's your special day. You are suppose to be the princess marrying her prince. Your sister also needs her special day to be the star. So same day is not a good idea.
     
  34. DHE

    DHE Connoisseur

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    The cabin sounds lovely and I think that your sister should have her own day. Maybe for right now, you should shy away from talking about your plans with you mother. I would just let her have her say and tell her that you appreciate her thoughts and you will let her know when you and fiancee have made your decision regarding your wedding.
     
  35. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    The cabin sounds like a great deal! Our son is getting married in Vegas in March to avoid the HUGE amount of people he would have to involve in a wedding if they got married around his hometown. It would be a 60,000 dollar wedding! The Vegas thing will involve us, brides family and a few friends who invited themselves!!! Our other son is getting married in a year and they are getting pressure from her mom to get married in her town, where her daughter grew up. That's NOT going to happen. They have a new life in the city, thus their OWN friends, not her mom's! Don't stress. Go to your cabin and have fun.
     
  36. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Having gone through a few weddings, my own and family's, there is something to having family and friends in attendance.
    Yes it is your day, is any of it your fiancee's day?
    If I missed it I am sorry but have you said what your fiancee's REAL thoughts are?
    You have not mentioned your fiancee very much except that your mom was not going to let his family come if the wedding was at her house.
    What are his thoughts?
    Is he just going along with you?
    What has he asked for within the wedding?
    Again this is just this old man's questions

    The Mountain(?) wedding sounds like a great place do you have any pictures of the area to show us?.
     
  37. mmswm

    mmswm Moderator

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    Oy vey...it sounds like your mom is turning into "momzilla". This wedding is all about the couple (mostly the bride, but the groom counts too :D). The wedding is a celebration of a new life and a new path for two people choosing to plow through this cold and unforgiving world together, creating a small oasis of love and compassion. Our families and friends want to share in our joy, but, as you said, it can get pretty darned expensive. Sometimes we have to make tough choices, and it's never fun. Your mom needs to understand that. I'm not sure what you can do or say to make her understand, but somehow she needs to get it into her head that, if she keeps it up, in a year's time, the person who might be disinvited is HER (I've seen it happen, not that you would do that, but it's always a possibility, even if its small). Ask her if she really wants to drive a wedge between you and her by insisisting that every family member, however remote, be invited, regardless of your budget.

    All but one of my extended family who only got an announcement and not an invitation, totally understood the situation. In my case, money was not an issue, it was my aversion to crowds. I wanted my wedding to be a small afair that I could enjoy. It was, after all, my wedding. My ex-husband didn't care one way or the other, so we decided on 25 people. I had to leave a lot of people out. The one person who didn't understand was somebody I would have left out even if the wedding was 2500 people, so I didn't care one bit. Those friends and family members I left out recieved a mini-photo album along with a personal narrative of the day. They all wrote or called or emailed me telling me how much they enjoyed that, and how they really felt like they were a part of the wedding, even if they weren't there.

    Okay, sorry, I side tracked there, but the point is, you need to do what's best for you and your soon to be husband, not what's best for mom, and that there are ways of including people who can't be there.
     
  38. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    Oh, I promise, he's more particular about the planning than I am! Lol! He picked the location, the color, everything! Without him I'd just run away to Vegas (of course, without him there'd be no wedding...so that plan wouldn't work...)

    But really, we've been together 5 years, so we've had a lot of time to plan the day we want. Neither of us want a big fussy event!

    We're having it at:
    http://www.mountainannies.com/wedding 1.asp

    in the garden (there are pics if you click on the link).

    Simple, easy, and then we have the rest of the week to go to the casino, ride go karts and bumper boats at the cheesy little place downtown, maybe go to the horse races, and just relax with close friends and family!
     
  39. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Not too far from Roswell? Hmmmmmm will there be a landing?
     
  40. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Wow. This is all just terrible.

    My husband and I secretly planned our marriage, told our families the week of, and ran off to the mountains and got married. NO REGRETS HERE! :)
     
  41. Danny'sNanny

    Danny'sNanny Connoisseur

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    Hee hee. My little sister was born in Roswell, I used to tease her that she was an alien!

    One of my best friends got married in Roswell a few months ago, and everyone ended up in Ruidoso at the casino afterwards. So we're saving a step :lol:

    I'm a nerd.
    Get me off of here and make me do my homework!
    Teacher, teacher, the aliens from Roswell ate my paper! :woot:
     

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