Age for Marriage & Children

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Math, May 19, 2014.

  1. Math

    Math Cohort

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    May 19, 2014

    I am just wondering what do you believe is a decent age to get married and to have children?

    Also how long do you think you have to know someone in order to get married?

    We discussed this in Psychology and I thought it was quite interesting. :)
     
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  3. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    I'm old fashioned and would prefer children to come after marriage, but things happen and children are always a blessing so that's not written in stone for me- it's just a preference. For marriage, I think as long as both are truly adults (and my definition of an adult is someone who is supporting him/herself and not depending on someone else for money), then marry away.

    As far as how long you should know someone before marriage, I'm probably not the one to ask. My late husband and I went out for the first time in April, were engaged before May ended, and were married in August. And we only waited until August because of his work schedule. (I am grateful now that we progressed so fast since we had limited time together.) I dated my current hubs much longer than that, but it was less than a year before we were engaged.
     
  4. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Of course it depends on the couple, but generally speaking I think that people should probably wait until their mid-twenties to get married. I tend to believe that marriages are more successful when both people are fairly mature and have an accurate idea about who they are themselves and who their partner is. When you're young, like still in high school and probably still in college, you're often still figuring yourself out. It's hard to know what you really want in a life-long partner when you don't really even know yourself. I also think that the things you might want when you're very young are not necessarily the things you want when you're a little older.

    Married or not, I think that it's best when two people are in a relationship for at least a few years before deciding to have children together. Ideally, all children would be planned and wanted, but we all know that it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, my doctor told me that about 2/3 of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned. I encourage everyone to be careful and safe, and to only get it on with people that they could actually stand to at least co-parent with if it ever came to that.

    For me personally, children were only a consideration once I was married and had been so for several years. I had no intention of making a baby with anyone until I was certain, in a 100% sort of way, that I would want to be with my partner forever, since I would be stuck with my partner in some way forever once kids entered the picture. Also, I wanted to enjoy some married, grown-up time before having kids. Kids change the dynamic of a romantic relationship--it's not a bad thing, but it is a change.

    For what it's worth, I was in my mid-twenties when I got married and in my early-to-mid-thirties when I had my (first?) child. Counting pre-married time and married time, my hoosband and I had been together for 13 years before our kid was born. I think that was the best choice for us. I feel like I really know him and I know what kind of parent he is and will be.
     
  5. TnKinder

    TnKinder Companion

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    I met my husband in elementary school. We were good friends all through school, but didn't date until after college. We dated for a year before marrying. We had our first child a year later. I was 24 when we married and 25 when our son was born, 27 with the next.
     
  6. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    My parents were 19 and 28 when they married after knowing each other for three months. I came along five years later. They were married 43 years.

    My EX and I were 30 & 29 when we married after almost two years together. No kids. Divorced after almost 12 years.

    Definitely no right or wrong.
     
  7. imissjerryg

    imissjerryg Rookie

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    I think it truly depends on the couple and the maturity level of each person in the relationship. I have been with my fiance for 8 years (engaged for 3) and I am 28, he is 39. We are in no rush to get married although the gap is closing for having kids. I'm sure we will have kids within the next few years after getting married. We are quite simple.
     
  8. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    I am very old fashioned when it comes to marriage and children. I'm also in the minority with my moral views, and I'm perfectly happy with that. I believe that marriage comes before any intimate relations, so, obviously, children come after marriage.

    My husband and I began dating in April (first relationship for both of us). We married October 1 and will celebrate our 31st anniversary this year. We were both college graduate and had been working a while, so we knew where we were in life.

    I do think that if more people waited until they were older, relationships would last longer and would be happier.
     
  9. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    My husband and I dated almost 4 years before we got married. I was 22, and he was 25. We were both college graduates and a full year into our careers. We had our first child when I was 26, so we had been married almost 4 years, together 8. I don't think it's a set number of years as much as having been through experiences together.
     
  10. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    My daughter was born when I was 28. I'm 30 now and not married, and see no particular reason to do so. My SO and I have been together for 8 years now.
     
  11. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    My husband and I married when I was 20. We wanted to have a child right away, but I wanted to wait long enough to make it clear that I didn't "have" to get married, like the whole town thought. My daughter was born when I was 22. I was a baby myself. Looking back, sometimes I wish we would have waited and just had each other-but I also know that when our kids are grown and gone, we'll be much younger than our peers (empty nesters), so I look forward to that stage in our lives also.
     
  12. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    I was 21 when I married my husband, he was 28. We had been together for 3 years before getting married. I was 23 when I had our daughter. I was 18 when I met him and started dating. Looking back, I should have waited. We were together 13 years before we divorced. Growing up, I wanted to get married at 24, have my first child at 27, and the second at 30. Life has a funny way of working out.
     
  13. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Stg...funny you mention that age....my midwife said around the 30s give or take couples are usually more settled with their lives & careers...in her experience is a good age to have family!!!

    I think what works for some doesn't for others. I know some who married out of high school divorced within about 5 yrs & others who stayed married. Some who wait & still get divorced! People always assume marriage is easy...it's not always easy... it us work & kids on top makes it more work for the couple to be a couple!!! You have to find what works & keeps peace & happiness in family!!!
     
  14. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    May 20, 2014

    Diz~you're right! I work with a woman who married her high school sweetheart right after graduation. They are still very happily married.

    I did read somewhere that couples that wait at least 3 years into their relationship before getting engaged/married, are more likely to remain married than those that married before that mark.
     
  15. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    That makes sense. It takes quite a while to really get to know your partner. I think for the first couple of years everyone is on their best behavior.
     
  16. Math

    Math Cohort

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    May 20, 2014

    Happy Birthday!!!

    I don't really know when I want to be married but I would prefer that before a kid is in the picture. I would want a kid around the age of 27-28.
     
  17. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Thanks, Math!

    And at this point in your life, you shouldn't be thinking about getting married. Go out live your life and then when the time is right (whenever that is) you'll settle down.
     
  18. Loveslabs

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    I met my husband when I was 23 and then married him one year and two weeks later. We waited five years to have children. We have been married almost 23 years.

    I swore I would not get married before the age of 30. I also swore I would not have children! Life does have a funny way of working out despite our plans.

    There is no perfect recipe. My parents have been married for over 50 years, and they hate each other. They were 17 and 26 when they got married.
     
  19. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    I think the worst thing is as soon as you get married it's when are you having a baby!!! Really none of your business & when we're ready!!! Then baby #1 when you giving baby a bro or sis...UGH!!!


    STG... I know only a few that got married that are still together. I had a few friends get married right out of high school & they're divorced.... My gparents were 13 yrs apart in age & married 65 yrs..
     
  20. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    For me it's not so much about how long you know a person before marrying, it's how long you have been living together. I don't think anyone should be married without living together (I understand there are religious reasons not to, but I don't agree with them). I think minimum one year living together. And be over 25.

    My esposo and I were married four years of knowing each other, two years living together.

    Kids- I think you should wait until you and your partner are done living for yourselves. That can be never, early, or whenever. If I had to give a number I'd say 30.
     
  21. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

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    May 20, 2014

    In terms of when to have a child, it depends on your lifestyle/career path. I never would have guessed my career would take me where it has, and the same with my husband. When we had our son, we were both working high stress business jobs with late hours and a terrible commute. In fact, up until then all my teaching jobs had been high stress and long commutes as well. We moved this past summer to a small town and he's now opening his own business from our home, and we were just commenting last night how we can actually BREATHE. Like, we've never had this kind of relaxed pace of life together! It's crazy. We can eat dinner at a normal time and go on walks in the evening and spend time with our son. I'm glad we had him when we did, because I can't imagine life without him (and he triggered our move), but if I had known what kind of life I could have had with him his first 1.5 years, I would have waited for this.

    So while you might say 'I want a kid when I'm 27', you might be in a high stress time of your life, and it would make sense to wait a bit to slow down.
     
  22. AdamnJakesMommy

    AdamnJakesMommy Habitué

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    It honestly just depends on the people involved--their maturity, their commitment to each other. There are some 50-somethings that are too immature to get married and early 20-somethings who are more than mature enough to take the plunge.

    I was 19 when I met my husband, he was 33. We dated for 1.5 years before we got engaged. I got pregnant with our first child 7 months after our engagement and we ended up pushing the wedding date back (instead of up) so I could stay on my dad's insurance. Well, then we had problems (fighting constantly--our personalities are like oil and vinegar--it's a good thing we love each other deeply or we never would've survived), so the wedding got postponed again. After counseling to get our tempers and emotions in check, we got married after dating almost six years (I was 25 , he was 38). Then we had two more kids.

    Quick Stats:

    My Age: 28
    Started dating husband: 19 years old
    Married Husband: 25 years old
    Had 1st child: 22 years old (engaged)
    Had 2nd child: 25 years old (married)
    Had 3rd child: 28 years old (married)
     
  23. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    The ideal age to marry in my opinion is 24-28 & the ideal age to have kids is 25-29. Wish I was able to do it within that age range, but oh well!
     
  24. MissScrimmage

    MissScrimmage Aficionado

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    I always thought I wanted to be married by 30 at the latest, because I wanted a whole brood of children. I will be turning 30 in a couple of months and I'm loving my single life... the freedom, spontaneity and mostly the freedom. Marriage and kids will happen when/if they are supposed to and for now I just count my blessings every day, thankful for the season of life that I'm in.
     
  25. PinkCupcake

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    Thank you for this response. I turned 30 in February and it gets hard sometimes when I read about yet ANOTHER engagement or pregnancy on Facebook. I think there are definite perks to being single and married.
     
  26. yellowdaisies

    yellowdaisies Fanatic

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    My opinions on this have changed so much over the past decade or so. I got married at 24 and we don't plan to have kids until our early to mid 30s (we are late 20s now). That's what seems right for us, which I think is what's really important. I hate when people get these deadline mentalities - oh I MUST be married by this age, I MUST have all my kids by the time I turn 30 (I have heard this from more than one woman!), etc. Really? Why MUST you, exactly? I agree with MissScrimmage - it will happen when it's supposed to, and it's a waste of time if we just sit around wishing we were in another season of life, whether we are single, married, and/or have kids or not. :2cents:
     
  27. i8myhomework

    i8myhomework Comrade

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    May 21, 2014

    I grew up southern and dreamed about my wedding day growing up. I was crazy and completely obsessed. I had my future baby names picked out as well as the reception menu. Yes, I was nauseating to be around.

    Of course I had a timeline picked out. Engaged by twenty-one, married by twenty-two and conceive a baby in time for a smooth, June delivery. Repeat x3. Done by 28. I had it all figured out.

    Then college happened, relationships. I remember being obsessed with getting engaged to a serious boyfriend. All I did was wait. Our trip through Spain, our trip through Austria… our trip to Prague… our trip to Budapest… our trip to Florence…

    Then finally he told me he would love to propose to me on the top of the Eiffel Tower. A little over played but romantic nonetheless. We just came back from Paris, waited four hours in line to get to the top of the Tower… he kept saying “I can’t believe we are actually here.” We travel A LOT so why would he say that? Sounds like a proposal right?

    No proposal. Went to the top, took some pics, and went back to our hotel. I was crushed. He proposed later on but at that point I had changed.

    I ended up marrying my now husband who I had known for a few years. Go figure. I always thought I'd meet the man of my dreams in some great, sweeping fashion. Yeah, not so much. :wub:

    I'm rambling, but the point is that I don't think there's a magic plan or age to marry. Is it a good idea in your early twenties? Eh, not in my opinion. I think when you are young you feel like you and others around you will be the same forever. But most people change and sometimes you outgrow people. I'm not even the same person I was ten years ago... Marrying someone would have been a mistake.

    Now I'm married and plan on having zero babies. Funny right?

    Math, enjoy your youth. College, traveling, women (or men, whatever your fancy!), etc. Your twenties only happen once. :2cents:
     
  28. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    I got engaged (real engaged as in ring, planned the wedding, bought a dress and had it altered, quit my job and moved thousands of miles away) when I was about 22 having had dated him since I was 19 and things didn't work out. The wedding was called off and I was heart broken.

    Looking back, i feel a lot of it (such as me being hesd over heels for a man that was all wrong for me) happened because i had no experience with men prior to him and I was still discovering myself.

    I also learned what I wanted/needed out of a relationship. When i was aged 18 - 22 my criteria was a guy who was super handsome, made a lot of money and was nice to me. Oh and a little geeky. That's it.

    When I was older it changed to things like "attractive (but doesn't need to be a male model handsome), Christian, family oriented, puts me first, listens to me, enjoys being physical (not just sex, but cuddling, hugging, kissing, laying together to watch t.v.), had a college degree, respects me, shares some of my interests and is willing to give new things a try, is kind to my family, doesn't take himself too seriously, believes in working it out rather than divorce/separation (unless abuse or infidelity is the issue), is a lot geeky, enjoys music/art of some kind, believes in me, etc.

    When i met my husband at age 28, I unconcsciously was looking for those qualities and he had all of them. That's why I knew he was the One not long after e started dating.

    I feel like if I had met husband at 22 we wouldn't be together because I would've been so inexperienced and not realized what a catch he is.

    So i guess the point is it depends on your experience. If you're in you're early 20s, but you've had a heartbreak and navigated the dating field, then it's okay getting married young. But if you're like me and didn't have much experience until your late 20s, the. i think older.
     
  29. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

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    I think it really depends on the couple. I know people that got married right out of high school, and they're still going strong 14 years later. I also know people that married in their mid-20's, and area already divorced.

    I got married at 31, and I do not have any kids yet. I would have liked to get married sooner, because I'm worried about having kids at an older age. If I were to get pregnant right now, I would have my first child at 33. Oh, well.

    Thinking back, there were a few boyfriends that, at the time, I wanted to marry. I dated one for almost 3 years. THANK GOD I didn't!!! I needed to date around more, and find someone who was right for me.
     
  30. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    It's ideal when you've found the right person at the right time for you, the person you love and see yourself growing old with....have kids when you feel emotionally and financially equipped to do so. There's no magic numbers...live your life. Be happy. Don't be influenced by others ideas of what is the ideal.:2cents:
     
  31. yellowdaisies

    yellowdaisies Fanatic

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    LOVE THIS, Cza!! :clap: I need this reminder sometimes! Thank you! :wub:
     
  32. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Cza so right....a lot of times when you're pressured you don't get pg or dig your heels in even more! LOL

    I know my friend was being asked and telling people they were trying. She does have some medical issues and went to fertility dr. They decided to take a break....guess what pg!!! WE told her you need to relax & not put so much pressure on situation....
     
  33. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    I echo this.

    I was never really good at the dating thing... and by that I mean, I never dated. I eventually just came to the realization that I would be fine living my life as a single person for the rest of my life.

    Shortly after that, I went to a friend's Christmas party and was set up with a mutual friend. (I think I was 27 at the time.) We had our first date in January, then got engaged in July and married in December, all in the same year. It's definitely had its ups and downs, and we both have our issues, but essentially, we choose to love each other in spite of those issues. We choose to overcome them together, and stick together. We've only been married three years, and I would say that we've had our fair share of struggles, but at the end of the day, we choose to love.

    I think the biggest misconception with marriage is that when the love runs out, divorce is always an option. The better option, when that ooey-gooey mushy "love" feeling runs out, is to choose to love. (Having said that, in order for a marriage to work, you need to have two people choosing to love, and I don't fault anyone for choosing divorce when that's not the case.)
     
  34. SF_Giants66

    SF_Giants66 Cohort

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    I'm gay and aromantic, so the only way I'll have children is if I adopt as a single parent, which I want to do. I plan to get two master's degrees first, and I've yet to finish my bachelor's. I'm turning 27 in a couple weeks, so I'm guessing I'll be in my early to mid 30's by then.
     
  35. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    May 23, 2014

    Had my first son at 30, he's now 13.

    DW is now talking about having another child....

    We met when I was 23, and got married when I was 26. It actually seems a little early in retrospect (especially in the urban northeast), but it's not a bad age.
     

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