Advice needed:family conflict.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out Archives' started by txmomteacher2, Jul 14, 2007.

  1. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Enthusiast

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    Jul 14, 2007

    THis might be long so sorry in advance. Let me give some background. My sister and I are 20 years apart. We are more like mother and daughter than sisters. In the past few years we have started to have much drama between us. She is very head strong, does what she wants, when she wants. Our parents are still around but might as well not be because neither of them have any parenting skills whatsoever. Her senior year my parents allowed her to live with her boyfriend because neither of them wanted her to do something stupid like marry him. Well this relationship turned into a disaster. So she broke up with him and started dating this other guy. She moved in with him at his parents house. In January of 2007 she married him. She is only 19 he is 22. When we first met the new guy I liked him. He was good to her, seemed like he at all together. Had a job had been going to school. Then we found out he quit school. Why??? Seems he had gotten himself into trouble before he met my sister. It's pretty serious, like prison time kind of serious. Well it is finally coming to court (it happened 5 years ago) and they want me to be there as a character witness. It has been highly suggested by both my principal and my superintendent that no one take any leave during the first six weeks of school. I have explained this to my sister and her husband that I just can't take time off. They are upset with me. I have told them that I would write a letter to the judge or anything else but take a day off. They are both threatening to call my principal and ask her themselves for the time off for me. I told them no!!! They are also telling me that if dont go to bat for him that they will never speak to me again. I need some advice with this. I am dead set on NOT going because this is what is expected of my job, but if I don't go my sister will be mad at me. What do I do??? Help!!!!
     
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  3. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Jul 14, 2007

    I think your sister is out of line, threatening to call your boss. My response would be along the lines of: "Do that and I'll admit it in court. You won't like the way it makes him look!!!"

    That said, a court date isn't exactly a personal day at the spa. I think you should talk to your principal and get the day off. Not because your sister is being a brat, but because it might make a difference in the life of your brother in law.
     
  4. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Jul 14, 2007

    Your sister is 19. I see a couple of my sisters in her. Ha!

    I see a young girl who is in love and wants the world to see her as an adult making adult decisions without anyone actingly like "mom" because she doesn't need it anymore. Then she won't admit consiously, but she does admit it through her actions that she does still need that support to help her make some rough decisions that her heart and her youth is clouding her to make.

    Watching my sisters and remembering how I was, life is black and white at that age, but at the same time love trumps all. Our parents don't know anything but yet we tell them everything and want advice when we seek it but only on our level.

    My husband, 6 years older than myself, was previously married and a prior marine. He proposed on our third date. I married him 7 months later and my dad had a fit. I was in love though. He had 7 credit cards in debt and though my family doesn't know it, he had been arrested for shoplifting. You couldn't have pried me away. I got married and had a planned pregnancy at 19. I moved across the country when the baby was 6 months old after we sold all of our furniture and we had no jobs lined up yet. Smart? Not hardly. 12 years and 3 kids later we are still happily married though (though we had ups and downs of course). My family loves him now and while he started as a bagger at a grocery store, he now has his masters and a very good job. All the pushing led us to leave the state so we could figure out who were were without them.

    What should you do? Talk to your sister. Let her know that you are willing to listen. Then ask her what the harm in trying to do it another way first. If you can't, then tell her you would be willing to ask but because the beggining of the school year is important, you can't guarantee it. Reassure her that you care about her enough to go through all of that to try. You may not approve of the guy, and it is okay to gently let her know that, but you are here for her. Admit that while experience warns you to be wary for her, that you don't always know it all either. She may or may not see your help or your side in quite the same light for a few years but she will.

    P.S. As my dad will tell you, my husband takes care of me and is no where near that hard a** image my dad expected him to be. He was also highly embarrassed about the shoplifting him and a friend tried. Also within the 7 months we were dating, he got the 7 credit cards down to 2.
     
  5. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Jul 15, 2007

    What do YOU want to do? Can his trial date be postponed (five years ago?). What does your contract specify? Do you have personal leave? Who else does he have for character witnesses? It doesn't sound like you've known him very long. He shouldn't need character witnesses at the trial, only if it comes to sentencing.
     
  6. ABall

    ABall Fanatic

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    Jul 15, 2007

    stand your ground, your sister is young and she will grow up someday and realize she was out of line. she will forgive someday.
     
  7. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Jul 15, 2007

    while I disagree with her bullying tactics..... I can see the real meaning underneath it... she wants you to be there ( probably more for her) but she doesn't want it to seem like she needs you. I know you feel like your job is your first priority, however, I think family comes first( no matter how bad they treat us) Talk to your principal.. I think she will understand.

    Good Luck
     
  8. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Jul 15, 2007

    Your advice sounds genuine and true. I love that story about being in love and wanting to be seen as an adult at 19. True for me, too, but somehow I bravely did not marry that one - good choice in my case!
     
  9. ChristyF

    ChristyF Moderator

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    Jul 15, 2007

    I have a feeling that your principal would most likely give you the time (depending on the time of the case, could just be a half day). That said, it comes down to what you really want to do. Do they have other character witnesses? Are they hinging his staying out of jail on your being there? Or, is your sister scared and wants you there, but doesn't know how to ask?
     
  10. I want to TEACH

    I want to TEACH Companion

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    Jul 15, 2007

    I would NEVER do anything like this for my sisters, especially if it was done in a threatening manner. Also, this 22 year old guy kind of freaks me out....why does he need a character witness...why was he in prison?? I see BIG RED FLAGS all over!!! This day an age you have to be really careful who you get into a relationship with.....I'm sure you've seen the news:eek: I would protect your sister and try your best to steer her away from marrying at age nineteen with a criminal [once a criminal always a criminal].
     
  11. chicagoturtle

    chicagoturtle Fanatic

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    Jul 15, 2007

    You could get depositioned as a witness. Then I think you don't have a choice. We have specail days that don't count as personal or sick days for court matters I believe. Or maybe you can count them as your sick days instead of your personal days.
     
  12. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Enthusiast

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    Jul 15, 2007

    Too late they are all ready married and have been since January. As for needing character witnesses I will just say his crime was committed against an underage minor. He was 18 and the girl was 15 or 16. Not to mention they found stuff on his computer. I have been really thinking long hard about this. I think the reason that I am having such a hard time going to court for him is I don't like this guy. I would not be telling the truth in the court of law if I said I did. I think he is a jerk. He is not respectful of certain rules that I have for my house when he comes to visit. He treats my 16 year old daughter like crap. I just don't like this guy. My sister had a full ride scholarship to play soccer and she turned it down because he wouldn't move away from his Mommy. There is so much more but the bottom line is my principal is a hard nose, really doesn't care about your personal needs outside of school. The general rule is NO ONE gets a day off the first six weeks unless you are dead.
     
  13. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Sorry, that's not at all the impression I had from what you originally said! I thought the problem was that you liked him, but were concerned about work.

    What you say under oath is important. If you're called upon to be a character witness, you've got to really believe in the character of the person on whose behalf you're testifying.

    Don't do it. Not because of work, but because you don't want to lie under oath, or tell the truth and come off as so half-hearted that hit hurts his case.
     
  14. I want to TEACH

    I want to TEACH Companion

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    Jul 15, 2007

    Oh gosh, they are already married! If you don't like him then of course you wouldn't go to court and be a character witness for this guy. Maybe your sister has made some poor choices, but that doesn't mean you have to make poor choices too! I would tell her and your brother in law that you can't miss work and that you do not feel comfortable saying anything but the dirty truth. I would keep your 16 year old daughter far, far, away from this guy if he has a criminal background "with" underage children. If he is a child molester then your children and your sister's children could be potentially hurt my him. I don't mean to scare you, but I just want you to be very careful around him. A lot is said about their character just by the fact that they are threatening calling your boss to ask off for you. I'm so sorry you are in the middle of this conflict. Just know that if your brother in law has good character, he should be able to find someone to replace you. Honestly, it sounds like he is desperate to find someone because of the threats. Stay out of it and protect your beautiful children if he has a "past".
     
  15. Proud2BATeacher

    Proud2BATeacher Phenom

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    Jul 15, 2007

    Why don't you offer to speak to his lawyer and then tell the lawyer what you will be saying about your brother-in-law if you are asked to take the stand. Most likely his lawyer wouldn't want to use you asa character witness:rolleyes: .
     
  16. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    after reading this.... the only thing you can do is say no. You can't be a character witness because you wou'd be lying in a court of law.
     
  17. ebrillblaiddes

    ebrillblaiddes Companion

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    Jul 15, 2007

    I'm younger than you but I have a 20 year old kid sister...

    Back away slowly (no sudden moves around crazy people). Be there for her when it blows up.
     
  18. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    Jul 15, 2007

    There's your answer. You can't be a character witness for someone whose character you don't believe in.
     

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