I am a first year kindergarten teacher at a charter school. I have 30students.This is my first year teaching. I have been working SO hard this school year, and yet I don't feel like I fit in at all. The school has such high standards and expectations, and I have to implement different reading, writing, math, science, and ss lessons. There is a new program that we have to follow, that doesn't allow us to use centers, worksheets, come up with our own lesson plans. I don't feel like I fit in here, and I have been depressed since day one in August. I am at school from 7:00 until 5:00. The administrators come into my room EVERYDAY to watch me, and I do not feel like I'm doing a good job. I do what they ask, but, "the students aren't learning". I have asked for help, observed some of the other teachers classrooms, did a team teach with another teacher, and still they tell me I'm not doing it correctly. I go home everyday crying, and I wake up every morning crying. Before this school year, I haven't cried in a year. I have (had) a positive personality, but I've been SO depressed. I want to leave and work in a public school--even as a sub because I CANNOT handle it anymore. What should I do? Who should I tell? Also, I have an "at will" clause. Will people look at me badly? Will I never find a job anywhere because I left? Do public schools look at charter schools differently than other schools? I mean, would they understand my leaving? I cry myself to sleep,and I wake up crying. I haven't had a good night since August. PLEASE HELP ME!
ANYONE, PLEASE HELP ME--I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!! Some of the things other things I've had to do is 30 home visits, 3-4 assessments a week, I have 30 students--4 with behavioral problems, and I have had it. I'm not sure if they are going to fire me, or what I should do. They want the students to be at a certain level by the end of the year, and I have been trying, but I can't seem to get there. I've asked for help, read books about what to do, but there is no room for creativity. I cannot do art projects, centers, songs, there isn't even recess or naptime, and the kids are there from 7:30 until 4:15. I need ME time, and I don't have it--even on the weekends. I KNOW this is not how you are supposed to feel. I know the first year is hard, but THIS hard? To the point that I feel sick going every morning? I'm pretty sure it is the school, not teaching itself. I have an aide, but she really isn't helping me much. I feel like I'm in the Atlantic without a life vest. I'm drowning. Also, I don't think my director likes me as a person, she doesn't smile at me, and she looks down on me. I feel like she judges me,and I don't know why. I'm very friendly and smart, but I fell stupid whenever I'm there.
Yes, I do have a master teacher, but I don't feel as if she is much help. I've had it, and nobody seems to understand. I have no flexability at all in my lessons--I want to do fun creative lessons, but am not allowed. I am constantly being watched and judged, and told "the students aren't learning" or "when I was a kindergarten teacher, my students were much farther than your class" or even, "Your students must be reading by the end of first quarter". I'm ready to leave. I can't do it all. I know it is my first year, but I don't fit in here. What would you do?
I have an evaluation coming up soon,and I am working SO hard to get a good one. If I get a bad one, then, should I leave this school? If I am not performing the way that they want their school's teacher to perform, then should I leave? I have no idea what to say if I get a bad evaluation. What would you do? Please any help? I KNOW this is not normal...
Wow. That sounds like such a difficult place to be in. And it certainly doesn't sound developmentally appropriate.
If you want to stick it out, I'd say to just play their game. Keep doing your best to implement the programs they have in place. (It's hard for me to even type that, because I'm the type that likes to close my door and do what I know is right for my students, but I also don't have admin breathing down my neck every day).
Just so you know you aren't alone, I walked away from my first teaching job 11 years ago. I won't go into the details, but I resigned. I had a sort of loophole because I had not yet signed a contract. (I was hired in October and tossed into a classroom that had a sub all year and I never got downtown to sign my contract. I quit the 2nd week.) The district was going to hold my license, but they couldn't because there was no contract.
Amazingly, I was hired by the same district the following year (again, a long story) and ended up in a MUCH better situation. I'm still at the same school and the same grade 10 years later!
Your health is the most important. As long as you can stay healthy, both physically and emotionally, and you manage to stick it out, the year will eventually come to an end and you can move on. If you need to resign now and restart a job search, that wouldn't be the end of the world, either.
From reading your post I get the fact that their expectations are through the roof. They need to remember that you are a first year teacher. If they do not get it, then you need to tell them that. I mean you are ready to quit, what do you have to lose at this point? Speak up for yourself. In our first year, we should not be expected to have the withidness of a 20 year veteran. Yes, we are expected to be competent professionals, but you need to keep your own expectations as well as theirs in check. I think a lot of what you are feeling is also self imposed. I know this because I sometimes have the same problem. My expectations are two levels above my current capabilities.
You need to be frank and honest with them and more importantly yourself.
My first year went fine (I only broke down one time!) but my second year was different (I went to another district). I cried almost everyday for the first few months. It got better after Decemeber. It sounds like you teach kinder. First of all, while I think of myself as a pretty good kinder teacher, it's a hard grade to teach! However, my main issue was that the district wanted us to teach the reading program exactly how it was in the program. I refused. I looked at my kids and did what I felt i needed to do for them.
My P was not happy, but I was. I did things my way, for the most part (I still did most of the program, it was just the little things, like they wanted me to actually read the program, word for word, it was a script, that I refused, he wanted me to slow down, to stop trying to challenge my kids, things like that). My class had the highest scores, and all of our kids were pretty much the same. No teacher had the "high" class or the "low" class. Following year, he moved me to fifth. Again, I did what I needed to do. At the end of that year, he non-reelected me. Karma got him though, the district fired him, and I recently was hired by the same school district to work at the same school!!! I say, do what you think you need to do.
Do live near where you went to college? If so, can you contact a professor that you had a good relationship with to come out and observe you and then give you feedback from their view? They may be able and willing to help get a plan in place for where to go from here or at least how to start on that path. It is hard, but you go do it! Remember you are there for the kids and to help them be ready for first grade next year.
Oh my goodness. Sounds like a hard environment to teach in. Have you latched on to any teachers at school that you feel could help you? Other than that, I say, stay there for the year and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First, the first year is so hard for most, so it isn't "just you." Second, their demands may be quite unreasonable, so again, it isn't "just you." Third, you are trying your best, but no first year teacher can possibly know and do what an experienced veteran teacher can do in the first month or two of school. So for a third time, it isn't you! It isn't you! It isn't you.
What you have to determine is this -- have they already made up their minds that you aren't their "flavor of the month?" If they have, nothing you do will ever be good enough, so either decide to tough it out or leave -- because nothing else will make a bit of difference.
However, if you think they haven't already judged you and would really be willing to help, then go to the person in charge and let them know how hard you are trying and that you feel like you are not doing what they want but can't find a way to succeed. You might ask them point blank, "I'm at the point of leaving...is that what you want?" If it isn't, it will be a huge reality check for them. If it is, at least you will know (or at least sense it) even if they don't come right out and say it.
If they've made up their minds, you have nothing to lose and your health to gain by leaving.
First year is hard... every teacher will tell you that you just have to get through it and make it out to the end. I'm doing my second year and it's like floating on air compared to last year. Your body is not use to doing what a full-time teacher does--- waking up very early, working all day and doing something that is very mentally draining, staying late, going home and then just working a few more hours, and repeat for 5 days a week and work on weekends too.
No, you honestly do NOT get any "me" time the first year. I had none last year and I'm only starting to get a bit more this year. But your body does adjust and you start to get into the flow of things.
Stop worrying so much about what the faculty wants you to do and do what you see the children need. If anything, my biggest suggestion is this: maybe you're at the wrong school--- you need a place that fits you in order to thrive as a teacher. I found a school that fits me and I'm working my butt off to make sure they are happy with me because I do not want to leave to go any where else.
So what you're going through is really crappy and I know its painful and horrible. But next year, if you stick it out it should be better--- I would, just by the sounds of the program, look for a different school that fits you better though.
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~ BioAngel ~
Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand. ~Chinese Proverb
