Painful but… here goes.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherShelly, May 18, 2014.

  1. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Jun 8, 2014

    I hate it for you too ... and I don't want it to seem phony BUT "I am feeling your feelings" ..... Sending a bunch of HUGS .... :hugs:

    PM me any time ...... :)
     
  2. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Jun 9, 2014

    Shelly no words...just know you & girls have been on my mind....
    My mom did it...sure some stuff was cut, but you know you appreciate the things you have!!! With it being summer do some fun free things...check library. Some of the thing my mom did with us didn't cost anything & I still remember them.
    HUGS to you all....
     
  3. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Jun 9, 2014

    Comaba & bandnerdtx, I called and made us appointments to meet three divorce mediators to choose from. This is the first step toward getting what I need done. I feel accomplished!

    Shanoo, I'm sorry for what you went through. I can imagine (actually, I know) how you might have felt when he found someone else. And how.. HOW does one forget one no longer lives in that house one left one's wife in. That must have given you a sarcastic little laugh, at least? Also, it sucks that you had to worry about someone going for your money, and questioning whether they are the father or not. You were insulted and didn't deserve that kind of treatment. :mad:

    Major..pm'd you..

    Diznee, thank you for that. You reminded me how well versed I am at making things FUN and Free :) I can do this!
     
  4. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Jun 10, 2014

    Shelly,
    Glad to hear you have some appointments! You are making great steps.

    While I have not bee through this, I experienced my parents break-up as a young teen, at a time when it was much more unheard of. The best thing my mom did for me was to keep me informed, but to use her friends as her support and not add to my stress. Of course I saw her sad and upset, but only once did I hear her talk about my father's behavior. I am sure you are doing the same for your girls.

    Good luck with your meetings and I hope you make a quick choice and protect you and the girls quickly. Hugs.
     
  5. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

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    Jun 10, 2014

    I'm so proud of you Shelly! You're taking some important first steps! You can do this.
     
  6. eddygirl

    eddygirl Companion

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    Jun 10, 2014

    Shelly, I'm sorry for what you are going through. My divorce was messy, both emotionally and financially. I only have one piece of advice for you - secure the money you have saved.

    My ex emptied our bank accounts and said he was using the money to "pay bills." The courts believed him because I had no proof that he didn't use it to pay our mortgage and bills. He obviously squirreled it away somewhere. If you have savings, get some advice about how to secure it so that he can't clean out your accounts. I wish I had.
     
  7. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Jun 11, 2014

    My husband came over for dinner last night so we could talk about things. I wrote him a long letter which he received well, I think, and took it with him to read again. It was a very abbreviated history of our life together ending with a request for a Legal Separation as a step between this trial separation and a Divorce. He agreed. Then I went overboard… :eek:

    I stood right up to him face to face, toe to toe and told him he would always have a special place in my heart and that I'd always love him. Then I gave him a little kiss. :eek: And a few more at the front door.

    ??????oh what was I thinking???????

    I woke up with a horrible guilty feeling, as if I'd had a one night stand. It's hard for me to accept what I was doing. I wanted to test the waters about a possible reconciliation. He didn't tell me to stop or anything, he just kissed me back - it was just gentle pecks on the lips, not a make-out. :help:

    I do not feel strong today. I feel like I broke my own code of behavior - I want to be honest and direct, no mixed messages, and no games. That's what I think I did, I started playing a stupid game to feel wanted again. And now I feel shallow.

    How to pick myself up from this? Apologize? Pretend nothing happened? Write it off as another stupid side effect of grief? Ugh :(
     
  8. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Jun 11, 2014

    I haven't been through this, but it sounds pretty normal. Especially if you had no warning signs, your feelings for the man you fell in love with won't change immediately, even though his recent behavior has been less than honorable.

    I would be very forgiving of myself, but not let it happen again.

    I hate to say that I have watched several friends and relatives take a guy back, and it has always been a mistake and they ended up divorcing after another break-up.

    Be good to yourself.
     
  9. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Jun 11, 2014

    Shelly~I agree with Missy: to forgive yourself, but not let it happen again. My ex and I didn't have a trial separation (though for his job we were physically separated) and we live 8 hrs away now so there was no hope of reconciliation. There have been times where I have wondered if there is hope of us getting back together, even after the divorce was finalized. It's completely normal to have the feelings that you are having.
     
  10. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

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    Jun 11, 2014

    Shelly, you did nothing to be ashamed of. You kissed your husband, a man you love. That's all you did.
     
  11. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    Jun 11, 2014

    Exactly!!!
     
  12. Shanoo

    Shanoo Habitué

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    Jun 11, 2014

    Thanks, Shelly. I've been divorced for 6 years now, so I've had plenty of time to heal. In his defense (did I really just say that :dizzy:) he's a soldier and was in another province for training when he got tested. So, while he didn't "live" there, it was his permanent address at the time. Looking back, it was the hardest thing that I ever went through. But, it brought about a lot of positive changes in my life. I'm a much stronger person for it now and great, great things have happened for me. My SO and I bought our dream home together about 6 months ago and we're currently expecting our first child. Things are very, very good. You'll get back to your "good", too. It just takes time.

    As far as kissing your husband - don't beat yourself up about it. You did nothing wrong. Most of us who have been in this situation have done it. For next time, just shore up your boundaries a little, if for no other reason than to protect yourself emotionally.
     
  13. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Jun 14, 2014

    We met one mediator yesterday. He is very experienced and just might be the one. We have two more to meet. Encouraged.
     
  14. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Jun 16, 2014

    The roller coaster of reconcile -> don't reconcile has gone another six or seven hills. I think I might be at the part where you go straight for the length of the coaster and then get off. Hope!

    It's over. I have had probably 6 sessions with two different therapists since mid-May and now can see what I want more clearly. I want to keep working on myself, learning to grow up and out, not stuck down in the weed ball. If someone joins me on this journey, fantastic, but I can do this by myself.

    I'm going to keep going to therapy, because I want to keep track of my own inner mess and not apply it to my parenting.

    Things are looking brighter. Hugs to anyone going through the same thing. And to all the awesome supporters here. I needed you and you were there - I'll never forget that.
     
  15. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    Jun 16, 2014

    In spite of the pain you are going through, everything about this post makes my heart smile!
     

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