Painful but… here goes.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherShelly, May 18, 2014.

  1. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2007
    Messages:
    17,362
    Likes Received:
    46

    Jun 3, 2014


    I had not heard about the morality until I was talking to a divorced friend of mine. She has one in her papers. I wish my lawyer had told me about this as I would have put it in my papers as well; however, my ex does not have her a lot of the time and when he does see her he's always in a hotel so I really don't have to worry about that until this summer.
     
  2. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    Messages:
    3,565
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jun 8, 2014

    Thanks for the advice about morality and custody. 3Sons, it irritates me, too, and I remember my husband and I talking about friends who got divorced and didn't seem to get it that they were making bad decisions for their kids. We were like, "I know, they are so blind." Oh, well.

    The thing that's getting to me today is that he's taking her out to dinner and paying for it out of our shared account. We still have shared accounts (still haven't filed for divorce) and when I see charges for what is obviously two people, it irks me. Is this being petty? Should I choose my battles? Or is it wrong of him to spend our money on her. I know it's wrong, but feel a little unsure if I should say something. Maybe she's paying half the time, who knows.
     
  3. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2013
    Messages:
    4,248
    Likes Received:
    784

    Jun 8, 2014

    I'd... probably go ahead and take all my money out of that joint account, and get my name off of it, if I were you...
     
  4. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    Messages:
    3,565
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jun 8, 2014

    But we're still paying all our bills out of the joint account. I don't want to be 100% responsible for our mortgage while he just rents an apt…. see what I mean?
     
  5. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2013
    Messages:
    4,248
    Likes Received:
    784

    Jun 8, 2014

    But would you rather he spend money that is at least partially yours on his girlfriend? Or decide one day to buy himself a new motorcycle with money that belongs to both of you? I don't know the best way for you to handle things from a legal standpoint, but I do know you'd be pretty limited in your options if he just pulled everything out of that account. Then you'd still be 100% responsible for the mortgage, but you wouldn't have the money to actually pay it any more. He sounds like he's a bit of a loose cannon right now. The idea that he would go full-on "mid-life crisis" doesn't seem impossible to me. After all, HE'D still have a place to live, and if the bank ends up foreclosing on you at some other point, he wasn't living there anyway so it doesn't affect him.
     
  6. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,418
    Likes Received:
    1,251

    Jun 8, 2014

    Have to agree with this advice. Who was paying the mortgage before? I would still transfer your paycheck into an account with just your name on it, just to be safe.
     
  7. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2007
    Messages:
    3,506
    Likes Received:
    12

    Jun 8, 2014

    Yeah, you both need separate accounts ASAP. You guys need to say, here's the amount we need monthly to pay our shared bills and divide that up however y'all agree to (1/2 and 1/2 or whatever). That account needs to be SOLELY for bill use. He'll probably agree because he won't want you monitoring his spending.

    Have you seen a lawyer? This is stuff that you can get in place right now.
     
  8. comaba

    comaba Cohort

    Joined:
    May 21, 2011
    Messages:
    624
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jun 8, 2014

    You really need to hire an attorney for this. You can request child support during the separation. You can request that he still contribute to the mortgage. You can request that marital savings be frozen.

    The judge may not be pleased if the marital accounts are emptied by either of you.
     
  9. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    Messages:
    3,565
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jun 8, 2014

    This is so hard. I am not READY for a divorce. I'm not ready… but I have to take the plunge. I have secret fantasies that this all just goes away. That I'll pull in and his car will be in its spot in the garage. That he'll come back and say he's sorry he was so stupid.

    I know I'm being irrational and that it is for the best that we divorce and I should just file and divide the money and all. I'm scared I won't make it on my own. It feels like all the expense with half the money, you know. This is so painful. I hate this.
     
  10. comaba

    comaba Cohort

    Joined:
    May 21, 2011
    Messages:
    624
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jun 8, 2014

    You don't have to file for divorce yet. File for a legal separation. You can still address all those issues with a separation agreement.
     
  11. comaba

    comaba Cohort

    Joined:
    May 21, 2011
    Messages:
    624
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jun 8, 2014

    And I don't think you're being irrational. All those feelings are normal. It is scary, hard, and painful. And it's not impossible that he'll come to his senses.

    However, you have to protect yourself and your kids through this. A legal separation can do that.
     
  12. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    Messages:
    3,565
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jun 8, 2014

    Comaba, thank you. It seems so stupid and impractical, but I feel like I'm being ripped apart with the idea of divorce.
     
  13. comaba

    comaba Cohort

    Joined:
    May 21, 2011
    Messages:
    624
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jun 8, 2014

    Believe me, I understand. I was a zombie for a while when I went through it.

    I don't want to give you false hope, but I do have a friend whose marriage survived something similar. So, take your time on the divorce. File for separation, but hold off on the divorce until you're ready.
     
  14. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2007
    Messages:
    3,506
    Likes Received:
    12

    Jun 8, 2014

    I agree with Comaba. You don't have to rush into filing for divorce, but you MUST get to a lawyer and file legal separation papers. You have to do this for the financial well being of your children.
     
  15. Shanoo

    Shanoo Habitué

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2007
    Messages:
    761
    Likes Received:
    2

    Jun 8, 2014

    It's not stupid or irrational at all. When I was going through it (my husband left me for another woman), I would come home, go to bed and stay there until it was time to go to work again. I had no children to care for and my family was halfway across the country. I hid my separation from them for 4 months. The only reason I finally told them was because my ex is a dumb, dumb person and had paternity papers sent to our home stating that he was 99.9% confirmed at the father of a 5 year old boy (conceived during our marriage and not with the woman he left me for). He meant to have it sent to his mother's house but "forgot" and sent it to ours - the house he was no longer living in. I was scared that if the mother came for back child support she could take my money, too, so I told my family because I needed help.

    You don't need to go through with divorce right now, but you do need to legally protect yourself. See a lawyer and talk about legal separation. Ask about spousal support and demand fair child support. I think that will clear up a lot of the what ifs when it comes to day to day things like money and the kids and will let you process the emotional things a little better. And, I've seen it before - legal documents just might kick his butt and wake him up to what he's missing at home.

    I would also open another bank account, have your paycheck deposited into the new account and transfer your half of the bills into the joint account. Keep record of it. That way, he isn't spending your (as in the money you earn) money on her.

    As much as it hurts right now, whatever the outcome, you WILL get through it. I can promise you that much.
     

Share This Page

Members Online Now

  1. stephenpe,
  2. Patrick,
  3. dr.gator,
  4. allaphoristic
Total: 296 (members: 5, guests: 266, robots: 25)
test