Painful but… here goes.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherShelly, May 18, 2014.

  1. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    May 18, 2014

    Six months ago I was eating breakfast with my family when it happened. My husband exploded. He and I were having a tiff, I thought, not really even the level of a tiff. He was saying something about me not doing enough around the house, I was trying to get an idea what he wanted me to do, and he blew up. He hurt me physically, right in front of our daughters, and by the end of the day, we were separated and he was living in a motel room.

    Our girls called a neighbor, thank goodness, and got out of the house. They are turning 12 today.

    Looking back I can't honestly say I never saw this coming, but in a way, I had no idea. That morning was like every morning. We had our 15 year anniversary two weeks before, and had been together 20. We used to say the secret to our success was we'd "married the right people."

    Since our separation, he has done nothing to bridge the gap to get us back together. We are seeing a counsellor and she tells him he needs to do something, anything. I told him I need him to apologize for hurting me, terrifying me and the girls, and get some psychological help for depression. He's been depressed for years but blames everyone and everything in his life for his "mood," not medical depression.

    He says he's no longer depressed. He says being with me made him depressed and he didn't even know it. He doesn't think he has anything to apologize for. By the way, I wrote him a long apology letter for my part in our troubles when we first split up.

    He has freedom now, like his own apartment, free time when I have our kids, no one to make him clean up, talk instead of play video games, or participate in any kind of family routine.

    He didn't have time to help with the kids' birthday parties this weekend because he made plans to help "someone" with "their" motorcycle. "They" needed to move it out of someone else's garage. I know people say, "they" when they don't want to say he or she for some reason. Yep, it's a female motorcycle rider, and "they" need to get the motorcycle out of "their" boyfriend's garage.

    I really needed to get this off my chest. I have a couple of divorced friends who understand and listen to me, but mostly I feel like people don't want to hear bad news. Besides, I always end up crying and that doesn't work well when we're at work. Now I'm relying on you strangers for sympathy and words of support. Thanks for listening.

    Shelly
     
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  3. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    May 18, 2014

    Hugs, Shelly...you are a strong woman. Your daughters are learning to be strong women from how you get through this. Know that there are better days ahead...:hugs:
     
  4. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    May 18, 2014

    Shelly, I don't have any brilliant words for you, but I'm sorry this happened.

    :hugs:
     
  5. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    May 18, 2014

    Well said, czacza. I agree completely.
     
  6. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    May 18, 2014

    I am so sorry, Shelly. Hold your head up, show your daughters you can cope, and let your husband decide how he will conduct his life. You've set your limits and that is the mature thing to do. Hugs.
     
  7. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

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    May 18, 2014

    :hugs:

    He will regret his actions one day, and it will be too late. YOU are the lucky one because this will make the bond between you and the girls even tighter.
     
  8. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

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    May 18, 2014

    Kudos to you for having the strength to know what is best for you and your daughters, and leaving him. You're showing them that it's not ok for a man to treat a woman the way he treated you.

    I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but please make sure your daughters don't hear you talk about him (as hard as it may be). My dad left my mom when I was about 15, and demonstrated behaviors that your husband is showing. As mad as I was about his immaturity and unwillingness to be part of our family, I wanted nothing to do with my mom when she spoke negatively about him. She didn't do it often, but I found it very annoying. I hated having to pick a side.

    Stay strong for your girls, and don't be afraid to look to us for support!!!
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    May 18, 2014

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Doesn't sound like this counseling was his idea...or was it? Do you really want to get back together with him? He seems so glad to be "footloose & fancy free".

    My BF's mom (& he's agreed w/ this as well) stayed w/ his dad waaaaaaay longer than she should have & he wasn't even physically abusive, but he did lots of other things. I guess she thought he would change & she said she did it for the sake of the kids. Well, my BF's brother ended up resenting their mom for staying in the marriage & didn't talk to her for a good few yrs because he thought she should have left their dad yrs ago because as he said it, "If dad's no good to you (mom), he's no good to any of us (kids)." She finally divorced him after about 23 yrs of marriage...yeah, about 22 yrs in it too long.

    TeacherShelly, if your husband has done nothing to bridge the gap to getting back together, you shouldn't have to be sitting around waiting. Go on & live life & stay strong!
     
  10. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    May 18, 2014

    Shelly...your commitment to therapy, patience with sticking it out, and your hope for a reconciliation show your belief in love...to love is to be vulnerable...it can be hard sometimes, but you will come out stronger and in a good place after this...Don't give up on the possibilities that trust and love offer...it's out there...don't stop believing.
     
  11. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    May 18, 2014

    It's really an interesting relief to read your replies. Thank you for supporting me during this highly emotional time.

    Czacza, I am looking forward to those better days ahead. At least only 8 of them are teaching days! :)

    MonsieurTeacher, no need for brilliant words, just brilliant kind thoughts, thank you!

    Mrs.C, you are always supportive on here, and I appreciate you making a comment.

    Upsadaisy, somehow calling me mature affirmed me, so thank you for that.

    Giraffe, I wonder… I'm glad they are super close with their dad, and it can annoy me when he's all "fun father" while I'm being "mature mother."

    Driving Pigeon, I'm sorry you went through your parents' divorce and the negative talk, even if it was only a couple times. I'm taking your words to heart because even though I have a policy against talking bad about him TO them, I need to watch what they might overhear when I'm on the phone or talking with someone at the house.

    Ms.I, I'm sorry to read about your BF's mom. I can relate, though, because it's not easy to start over after 20 years with one man. Do I really want to get back together with my husband? No, what I wish for is to rewind and somehow have this erase itself. Not just the explosion but whatever all led up to it. I wish this would be a wake up call for him, and that he'd do what he needs to, to be the man we need over here.

    Still, I am trying to live and not wait around. Whatever else happened or is happening, I have had a wake up call to figure out what makes me happy. It can't be just mothering and teaching, either. Our counsellor made us sign up on Match.com just to see what it is we're looking for in a mate. That was eye-opening! All the other women have pictures of themselves traveling to all corners of the globe, sky-diving, climbing mountains and the like while my hobbies are crochet and reading. Boring as heck, but suited me fine while happily married! Oh, my...
     
  12. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    May 18, 2014

    Those women are doing what they love & having fun & showing those men out there that they're not waiting around for a man to start having fun. They're doing it NOW. Life is too short not to.

    You just have other interests, but maybe now's the time to get a little more adventuresome.
     
  13. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    May 18, 2014

    Shelly...there's ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with crocheting and reading...many of those people on Match are not truthful about who they are, what they are all about or what they want in life. Be true to yourself...It's not about showing men you arent depending or needing...it's about being YOU...don't be afraid to venture out of your comfort zone and explore other interests, but know YOU ARE DESERVING AND WORTHY OF GREAT LOVE.
     
  14. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

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    May 18, 2014

    The great thing is that there are plenty of men out there who would love a "boring" teacher mom who likes to crochet and read. ;)

    When my mom started dating men on Match, she was very open to and interested in their hobbies. One man owned a hot air balloon, and they would go for rides all the time. Her current BF loves skiing, so they go on ski trips. They didn't have the same interests before they met, but now she enjoys those things.
     
  15. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    May 18, 2014

    Hugs and good thoughts coming your way:)
     
  16. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    May 18, 2014

    Shelly, I've been through much of what you're going through. It will get better, but it takes time.

    When I was in counseling, I kept a journal. I wasn't comfortable sharing my pain and anger with even my closest friends, and the journal allowed me to vent/rant as much as I needed. It also helped me to reflect. It might help you too. (Just make sure you keep it in a secure place so your children will never have access to it.)
     

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