My spouse doesn't get my job, & need to vent

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by resourcestress, Apr 10, 2018.

  1. resourcestress

    resourcestress Rookie

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    1

    Apr 10, 2018

    I teach special ed, high school English resource, in class support. I try to talk about the dymanics, and politics to husband but stopped cuz he doesn't get it. Can't and wont talk at work, had too many conversations repeated. So I came home today to vent how next year I will be co-teach and resource teacher for 9th graders, that I was upset. I have taught 11 & 12 for 10 years. The response was, maybe you need a change. I feel like he never listens.
     
  2.  
  3. Been There

    Been There Habitué

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2017
    Messages:
    849
    Likes Received:
    511

    Apr 11, 2018

    Imagine having to hear someone ranting about asinine behavior every day - outrageous examples of extremely unprofessional behavior in which educators mistreat their students and other adults. Many of us in the field of education tend to develop an unhealthy habit of venting our frustrations to our spouse or significant other, only to find that they have no interest in listening nor discussing our work-related issues.

    Early in my teaching career, my wife let me know that she didn't want to hear about my stories from work anymore. Having been educated in a different culture in which such unprofessional behavior doesn't exist and students actually act like students (yes, there are such places), she couldn't relate to what I had been witnessing in the workplace. In fact, her reaction was one of utter disdain for the people that I described.

    It's not that spouses "don't get it". The problem is that we tend to think that venting is necessary to maintain our mental health. Although it's never healthy nor recommended that anyone allow their anger to build up, many experts agree that venting one's frustrations may actually make things much worse. Instead of serving as an effective release, venting may often result in exacerbating one's frustration. Taking their advice, I found that quiet reflection was the best cure for pent up frustration.

    I learned it was much more productive if I just took the time (during my 1-hour commute home) to think about the people involved in the day's examples of ineptitude, stupidity, condescension and insecurity. This routine mental exercise helped me to understand the factors involved in various ridiculous situations and the motivations behind observed behaviors. Best of all, it also helped to reveal what I could have done differently if I was directly involved.

    I believe that personal reflection is often preferable to discussing disgusting or inappropriate interactions with others who: a) may lack the ability to analyze bizarre unfamiliar situations, b) have difficulty staying focused, or c) are simply disinterested.

    When a guy hears his wife venting about a work-related problem, he instinctively thinks it's his responsibility to offer a suggestion to help solve the problem. However, the "helpful" advice may not always be appreciated by his spouse who just expects him to listen! Been there too many times!
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2018
  4. dgpiaffeteach

    dgpiaffeteach Aficionado

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2011
    Messages:
    3,221
    Likes Received:
    143

    Apr 11, 2018

    I told my DH that sometimes I just need him to nod and listen. I really just need to blow off some steam. He's great about it. I'll ask him questions if I want advice, and he knows if I don't ask questions, I'm just venting :)
     
    SpecialPreskoo likes this.
  5. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2005
    Messages:
    5,012
    Likes Received:
    611

    Apr 11, 2018

    My DH is a teacher, too. It's fantastic having someone who gets it.
     
    linswin23 and resourcestress like this.
  6. puff5655

    puff5655 Cohort

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2006
    Messages:
    722
    Likes Received:
    8

    Apr 12, 2018

    I agree with Been There. My husband is a teacher too and we don't enjoy listening to each other vent.

    I've enjoyed my job this year but my husband has had a lot to vent about. I hate that our first interaction after work involves complaining- it really brings my mood down. Next year I will be a stay-at-home mom, and we've discussed him running/biking home after work each day so he can get in a better mindset before he walks in the door. I know the baby and I will be excited to see him at the end of each day, and I'll obviously be looking forward to adult conversation, and don't want it to be negative.

    I'm sorry but I agree with your husband, that if you are so unhappy you need to vent every day, maybe you need a change. I've told my husband the same thing. :-/
     
    Been There and resourcestress like this.
  7. shoreline02

    shoreline02 Cohort

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2010
    Messages:
    624
    Likes Received:
    112

    Apr 12, 2018

    I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't talk to my significant other about my frustrations or if he told me he didn't want to hear about it. All I need him to do is nod or say okay and listen. He doesn't need to offer any suggestions or helpful advise but we've talked about that before.
     
    Master Pre-K likes this.
  8. resourcestress

    resourcestress Rookie

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    1

    Apr 12, 2018

     
  9. resourcestress

    resourcestress Rookie

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    1

    Apr 12, 2018

    Yes I probably do complain too much and I will evaluate the venting. But I must say when I say something it would be nice if he at least tried to understand the dymanics. I've listened for years the pros and cons of his job, all I ask is try to get it straight what I teach. Half the time he tells people I'm teaching a different subject. Oh well onward ho, lol. Thanks everyone!
     
  10. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2007
    Messages:
    4,149
    Likes Received:
    1,044

    Apr 12, 2018

    My significant other and I rarely ever discuss work. Yes, we complete work-related tasks at home, but we don't vent very often. In fact, I can honestly say I loathe talking about work once I drive off school grounds!
     
    linswin23 and Been There like this.
  11. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2005
    Messages:
    5,012
    Likes Received:
    611

    Apr 12, 2018

    I think maybe I need to clarify my post. It's great having a teacher husband because he gets it. However, that means that we understand how we need "decompression" time after work, down time on weekends/holidays, and that sometimes we don't get a break all day or need to buy tissues for our classrooms because if we don't, nobody will. Some days my heart aches for kids, and other days I want to string one up by the toenails.

    My first husband never got any of that because, you know . . . how hard can it possibly be to sit behind a desk and tell kids what to do all day. :rolleyes:

    I wouldn't expect someone to listen to unload a truckload of complaints on me day after day and expect to look forward to that, but I would expect a spouse who was a decent enough human being to be sympathetic of the occasional bad day.
     
    resourcestress likes this.
  12. ms.irene

    ms.irene Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2010
    Messages:
    1,509
    Likes Received:
    687

    Apr 13, 2018

    My husband is in a completely different world career-wise, but he has still listened to all my stories over the past ten years, same as I always listen to his. His mom was a teacher, though, so I think that helps. Still, if your SO wants to talk to you about something, I think it's the partner's job to listen and be as supportive as possible. I personally think it's a matter of mutual respect which for me would not be optional in a relationship.
     
    resourcestress likes this.
  13. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2007
    Messages:
    4,149
    Likes Received:
    1,044

    Apr 13, 2018

    My partner works in a field where he can be super straightforward (borderline crass) with people. Whenever I've shared things with him in the past, he has tried to give me advice--but it includes responses that are unkind and/or completely rude. That's mainly why I stopped talking about work.

    I once told him, "Suuuure. I can totally say that to one of my teachers... That is, if I no longer want to be an administrator!"
     
  14. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    6,237
    Likes Received:
    258

    Apr 13, 2018

    This is why I came back to AtoZ.

    My guy talks for hours, and repeats himself on a regular basis. When I talk, he listens to me, but suggests I need counseling. :eek:

    I told him how different things would be if I retuned to teaching!

    I once got a text from a high school friend. Started off as invite to school function as a foursome, of course. Next thing I know we were having regular conversations. It just felt good to have somebody who could relate to me.

    It felt wrong, so I stopped. I told him when you’re ready for the FOUR of us to get together, let me know. Needless to say, haven’t heard from him since.

    This is a good place to vent. I’d be happy to talk more in my “Things you SO does that annoy you” thread. :(
     
  15. vickilyn

    vickilyn Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2014
    Messages:
    7,633
    Likes Received:
    1,847

    Apr 13, 2018

    I can feel the need to relieve the stress of my job, just like everyone else, however, I find that venting is overrated. I have found that spending some time at the batting cages, taking the dogs for a run, or anything else that lets me blow off steam. My husband and I share lots of decisions - family, property, plans - but I would like to think that I am strong enough to deal with my own problems from work. I find that I may vent to the one person who has a truly vested interest in my problem, and that is myself. I will free write on my computer, a stream of consciousness kind of thing. Sometimes, when I look at it a couple of days longer, the answers are very clear, or I laugh at how bent out of shape I was by something that is far from earth shattering. My husband may ask me later if all is well, and fortunately, I am mostly able to say yes with a clear conscience.
     
    Been There and greendream like this.
  16. dgpiaffeteach

    dgpiaffeteach Aficionado

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2011
    Messages:
    3,221
    Likes Received:
    143

    Apr 13, 2018

    My husband also works in a field where he can basically just say what he's thinking. I dream of that some days
     
  17. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    6,237
    Likes Received:
    258

    Apr 13, 2018

    Agreed....I see two parts to this puzzle:

    One part is based on the fact that your husband, SO, soul mate - that one person you come home to each night, really has a difficult time listening to you. I personally don't think it would matter what kind of job I had. I need somebody in my life who is willing to listen to me, and be supportive. Don't have to agree or disagree. But don't label me looney toons just because I complain every other day about my job.

    The other part is venting. I disagree that venting is not helpful. I think there is some release in hearing your thoughts. Okay, repeating the same story over and over to everyone who walks in the room, your entire family, and all your friends - is not too cool. Or do one of my numbers and do a group text to my friends on my current drama. I get feedback that I can look at instantly. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they say I am way off base. And sometimes, when they don't agree, and the crap does hit the fan, yeah...I come back and say...see I told you!!. Well, doesn't always happen, but I feel good just getting it off my chest, in a safe environment.

    I think as a couple, you should be there for each other. There is some comfort in knowing when you had an awful day, there is one person on the earth (in your sheltered place) that will say, "There, there..it's okay. I don't know how to fix it, but I'll hug you and listen."

    If it becomes a chronic thing...every single day...yeah...that is asking a bit much of your hubby (and friends, if you're doing that too) If people suggest you try other things, and you keep spinning your wheels, yeah they will get frustrated with you. It sounds to them that you want to stay in the madness, so why bother telling them?

    I imagine (IMO) when you were dating, you did the same thing right?? So he should have been ready. Just like if he was a fireman, and you are scared out of your wits every time you see a major fire on the news, you worry about him. Well if, he told you that's what he does, you have to find a way to deal with it.

    In summary...meet him in the middle. Share your ups and downs two days out of the week. Start journaling your thoughts, and try dealing with the issues on your own. If things are getting out of hand, don't be afraid to take a mental health day, and perhaps consider a different grade/school/district/subject matter. A change can make things better...and if it doesn't, don't be afraid to reinvent yourself.

    He can't be your all in all. Even though that's what marriage vows say. :rolleyes:

    BTW, my guy gets mad and worried if I don't talk to him for days!! He's worried because he doesn't know what's wrong. So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. o_O
     
    resourcestress likes this.
  18. Always__Learning

    Always__Learning Comrade

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2017
    Messages:
    392
    Likes Received:
    259
  19. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    6,237
    Likes Received:
    258

    Apr 14, 2018

    Always_Learning,

    Kudos for this link. I am a work in progress. I am pretty good with #2 and #5.

    You get 6 counseling sessions per occurrence with EAP. When things really get bad, I don't hesitate to contact them.

    I also learned that in retail (my part time job), there are some customers who really are not shopping, they are looking for listeners. They will talk to you until the store closes. We need to make sales. So, I have to keep moving and keep my sanity by limiting these conversations. I qualify the customer, ask about the project, offer the best, better and good product, and then ask the closing question ; "Can I take this to the register for you?" If they start another conversation, I say. "Sorry I couldn't help you. (Turn to the side.) If you need anything else, just let me know." Then I walk away.
     
    resourcestress likes this.
  20. vickilyn

    vickilyn Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2014
    Messages:
    7,633
    Likes Received:
    1,847

    Apr 14, 2018

    Those of us old enough to remember Ann Landers read her advice over and over to "write it out, seal it, and put it in a drawer for a week. At the end of the week the person was to reread the "letter" and then decide whether or not to send." I am pretty sure that deals with several of the points in the link. Give it time, let emotions calm, which lets the rationale part of the brain to take over, and then you could (can) throw away the letter without ever exposing your own faulty or less than stellar rants. As far as mindfulness, long before it was called that, I was taught to find a way to get stress release. For me it has often been batting cages - I have a handful of coins, I don't have to converse with anyone, it doesn't matter if I hit the ball, because the swing is therapeutic, and I can "buy" this stress release for a little money and a little time. Know that I am not very athletic, but I find swinging and the occasional contact to raise my mood and spirits.

    Nice link, Always Lerning!
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2018
    Master Pre-K and resourcestress like this.
  21. resourcestress

    resourcestress Rookie

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    1

    Apr 14, 2018

    Thanks!!!
     

Share This Page

test