I'm so upset I can't stop crying

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by elizak83, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. sue35

    sue35 Habitué

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    Aug 12, 2008

    Even if he decides to stay with you would you be happy? This could happen again when he meets another girl. Could your friend help you move out? Maybe you just need someone to help you get moving.

    I agree with the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater." Think of it from his side. He has the best thing right now. He can cheat with this girl and still have another one to come home to if he wants. Why would he make a decision that would make him only have one woman? I think you need to leave
     
  2. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Aug 12, 2008

    elizak83 just to let you know If I was a "free" man I tell you come to AZ I bet I could get you a job and I'd be nice to you :)
    So if you want you can tell your soon to be EX you already have had offers from other men who will love you for who you are !

    Let me find a picture of a hunk I can send you to flaunt before him!


    What I am really saying is the the best revenge is to have a happy life in spite of him!!!
     
  3. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    Aug 12, 2008

    There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. Life sure isn't all roses. One thing that caught my attention was his request for you not to tell your parents of the situation in case you end up staying together. I would not go out of my way to protect him this way. If you are close to your parents and would benefit from their moral support, by all means go to them. If you do stay with him and they see him in a bad light, he will have to face that and do the work necessary to earn not only your trust and respect but theirs. Also, when you get past the hurt and begin to feel the anger, try not to wast energy on it, it's not worth it. I agree with others. Get out and move on; if it's meant to be, you will find each other again, but for now go your separte ways. But do forgive him--not for you, for yourself and your own healing. A song that comes to mind is "Forgiveness" by the Eagles. Listen to it, it might help you bring things into perspective. Good luck.
     
  4. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Aug 12, 2008

    So he was cheating...no surprise here at all. What upsets me the most is that you're giving this bastard all the power to decide how YOUR life should go. You're giving him all the freedom in the world to decide who he wants & how he wants to live his life while you're just sitting around & waiting. If you still love him & want to stay w/ this loser, that's your decision. The reality is, people can try to talk you out of this till they're all blue in the face, but if YOU don't want to get out of it & leave him, no one can make the decision for you. Why are you denying yourself the chance to be truly happy?

    I don't care how great his job may be & whether he's making great money. I don't care if he's overall a fabulous guy in your opinion...except for this one thing he's done. He's a disrespectful loser bum.

    Now I've posted here before where I stated that I was sorry you're going through this, etc. This is not meant to be heartless here, but if you want to stay w/ him, that's up to you. You can deny this all you want, but if you stay w/ him, you're basically saying that you don't think you deserve anyone better. Now, there's another genuinely great guy out there who you could have had that you're denying yourself. That's another great guy for wonderful other women out there.
     
  5. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Aug 12, 2008

    HOT, HOT, THE KEYBOARD IS TOO HOT
    Ms. I you go girl


    elizak83 Please take what we are saying to heart because many of us "Have Been there, Done that, own the T-shirt"
    and in the long run in my heart I believe you will be better if you take care of your self first.
     
  6. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Aug 12, 2008

    :cool: :) :D
     
  7. dizzykates

    dizzykates Habitué

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    Aug 13, 2008

    Oh Eliza, I have just been reading the posts and haven't posted because I really agree with everything said. I still do, but I realize it's hard and thought I would chime in.

    Your "bf" has been a huge part of your life. He is the reason (I think) you are living where you are. School starts soon and this is a rough time to change things up. I know I like stability when I start a new thing and right now we are all starting a new school year. However, this guy of yours is not providing you stability, consistency, or reliability. Those are things you need in a husband. If you are living with him, sharing a dog, a house, and meals daily, then you are essentially married without paperwork. Your expectations of his fidelity should be the same.

    Find your big girl self (just chant that to yourself, I am a big girl, I can do this!) and get the stuff that's yours and that you care about. Then see if you can stay with that friend for a little while. I know it's an hour, but do the drive to work for a week or so and let her help you find an apartment. Preferably closer to her and school than to him. Then when fall or winter break comes you take a lovely long trip alone. Drive a few hours to a different city, fly to Cabo, visit Paris, whatever your budget. Start your own life and get some experiences for just you.

    Without stealing your thread or knowing your whole background, I want to tell you I travelled two times for 2-3 weeks on my own (no friends, family or bf) to europe and mexico. The first time my bf was not happy, the second time he understood it was something I did for me, not because of or for him. I learned a ton about myself and how to depend on me, not anyone else. Go out explore and have a blast doing it. It may only be 3 months and then you may meet someone new, it might be three years, but then you have a ton of experiences that will beat what you are going through right now.

    Perhaps he will change. Great. Then he can meet someone else and at least he won't screw up her life because he learned from his mistake with you. You on the other hand, will be stronger, won't wonder about his fidelity or what he is doing on Saturday night, and you will have also learned and found a much stronger, more committed, supportive man.

    Good Luck!
     
  8. TemperanceFaith

    TemperanceFaith Comrade

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    Aug 13, 2008

    Everyone else has stated the obvious, so there is nothing for me to add.

    If he devalued your relationship so much as to begin seeing someone else BEFORE he ended it, then he is not the one for you.

    It is one thing to see someone else that interests you and giving your partner the benefit of saying PRIOR to ANYTHING beginning, and by anything, I mean closeted phonecalls, etc. and doing it behind their back.

    Being upfront implies considering your partner and their feelings and being honest, even though it hurts.

    Being secretive= being cowardly.

    Though it hurts to hurt someone else, part of being a grown up means sometimes it has to be done. He owed you that explanation the day he came home to you.

    Now, as hard as it is going to be for you, it is time to let him go. If he finds down the line that he made a mistake, and that might happen many times down the line, it is up to you to decide if you have the ability to trust him again and return to the relationship...but renewing trust takes time, and sometimes it never returns. You need to feel sure of him and until there is a point where you are completely free of doubt when you are with him, it will not be time to begin a relationship with him again.

    I am sorry you are going through this, I have been there, and I know how much it hurts. :hugs:
     
  9. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Aug 13, 2008

    elizak-

    Lots of RED FLAGS here!

    Girl, we need to remind you about the RED FLAGS.
    1) He lied - he did not need space, he wanted to get with another girl!

    2)He says "Don't tell your parents" !!! As we teach our little children, anytime someone says "don't tell your parents" that is a clear sign that YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR PARENTS!

    3)He did not tell you about this of his own free will. You had to catch him! How long would he have gone on not telling you? I would bet my year's salary that he is sleeping with her then coming home to you! That is just gross!

    4)He is disrespecting your years of devotion and faithfulness to him by cheating, lying, and expecting you to hang in there while he has his fun.

    He is lying! "He is just not that into you." I have been through this myself and it is horribly painful. You need to talk to your parents asap. They love you more than anyone and will be able to help you.

    Get out of there with your stuff right away. This guy needs a wake up call. Do you want to share him with another woman?

    Staying at his mom's house . . . yeah right. He has lied to you a lot.

    As I have taught many young ladies over the years, a guy should be on his knees thanking God for every day he gets to spend with you! And the more available you are to him as he is treating you this way, I hate to say it, but it is the truth - the less interesting you become.
     
  10. TeacherC

    TeacherC Connoisseur

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    Aug 13, 2008

    I agree, I agree, I agree. TELL YOUR PARENTS!! He doesn't deserve any respect from them "in case you end up together"...what bologna!
    It will hurt to leave, but the longer you stay, the MORE it will hurt...I know you love him, and he probably does love you, but he cannot committ himself to only love you, and that is not acceptable unless you favor the idea of mistresses....Please take care of yourself and get out of there!!!
     
  11. jw13

    jw13 Groupie

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    Aug 13, 2008

    Eliza,

    PLEASE take everyone's wonderful advice. Let me add that you definitely need to seek counseling, for yourself. You need to figure out why you would still want to be in a relationship with someone who has lied, cheated, and has told you they don't want to be with you. Most people would be heart broken, but would say "Bon Voyage Dirtbag!" Also, the reason he is saying "don't tell your parents" and "I wouldn't blame you if you left me" is because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you leave him, he feels like he's off the hook, but didn't need to do the dirty work. Passive Agressively he is breaking up with you.

    Also, he is having his cake and eating it too. He can scope out the girlies, yet have you to fall back on if it doesn't work out. GO....LEAVE....DON'T LOOK BACK!!! You are wasting your precious time on someone who isn't sure about wanting to be with you. He should have been sure before you moved in together.

    Finally, TELL YOUR PARENTS!!! You need a support system to help you through this.
     
  12. MissWull

    MissWull Cohort

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    Aug 13, 2008

    I definitely think you need to tell your parents. If they are your major support system then you need them in YOUR time of need. For him to ask you not to tell them, is being extremely selfish. He obviously has no care in the world for your feelings, because he should know that this is extremely hard for you right now, and that you don't really have anyone nearby. For him to even mention that to you is beyond selfish.

    How are things progressing? I hope you're coping a bit better.
     
  13. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    Aug 13, 2008

    I think it's pretty normal to grieve a lost relationship in this way and I don't think that most people's initial reaction would be to say 'see ya later'. I think it's a process and the first instinct is to try to hang on. However, counselling can help you cope and go through the process a bit faster. Once the initial pain has subsided, you will be able to think a little clearer and see what we are all telling you.

    I do agree with the comment about him not wanting to be the bad guy. He's trying to give himself an easy out by baiting you to leave him. Whatever, it's just another red flag that shows he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions.

    I hope you are doing okay.
     
  14. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Aug 13, 2008

    elizak - Are you still there?

    I hope you are doing ok - we all are concerned for you! I hope you understand the comments are meant to encourage you to take care of yourself, not to criticize you! Most of us have been through similar things and are speaking from the other side of the situation. Please let us know how you are doing.
     
  15. TemperanceFaith

    TemperanceFaith Comrade

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    Aug 13, 2008

    I am also thinking of you and hoping you are ok.
     
  16. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Aug 13, 2008

    I hope you are hanging in there. Stay strong.
     
  17. Weazy

    Weazy Comrade

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    Aug 13, 2008

    In the day of AIDS and other diseases, it is called dangerous! :mad:
     
  18. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Aug 13, 2008

    This will pass and I'm so, so sorry. I wish I was there & I'd cry with you. What a dog! I'm sorry. You're better off without him.

    Think of your future, in 5 years you'll find someone else who's totally committed to you and you'll be happy again.

    Make a list of all the positive things that's going on in your life.

    There may be a colleague who really needs a friend at this time too, reach out, make new friends.

    It's hard. And again, I'm so sorry.
     
  19. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Aug 13, 2008

    I was hoping the circumstances would be different and the bf hadn't started (at the very least) an emotional affair. I've sort of been there, although I didn't find out until I had moved out and came across a TON of gay porn in my temp internet files. Talk about begging for discovery!

    Please know there are oodles of people here offering a virtual shoulder to lean or cry on. I wish you a lighter heart.
     
  20. Carmen13

    Carmen13 Groupie

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    Aug 13, 2008

    Eliza, I know it is difficult and painful, but you should ask yourself on the advice you would give to a friend facing the same situation, and follow that advice.

    If he truly loved you, as he told you recently, he would not be doing this to you. You know this...but you love him and he is your best friend. Be strong, have a talk with him and go on with your life. You will find the one who deserves such a loving heart.
     

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