How does this sound?

Discussion in 'General Education' started by Teachling, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. Teachling

    Teachling Groupie

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    Aug 13, 2013

    I'm doing a short little note for my team mates and I've been working on this sentence that I'm not sure of--

    As a token of appreciation, here are a few little things that hopefully will bring you some comfort by offering

    - A smile for its Silliness
    - opportunity for creativity
    - Enhancement of your technological abilities
    - quick Energy boost spike when needed

    I need input from some of you great writers! Thanks!
     
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  3. Myrisophilist

    Myrisophilist Habitué

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    Aug 13, 2013

    Can you expand on what exactly you're not sure of?
     
  4. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Aug 13, 2013

    It sounds a little funeral-ish....I think the comfort and offering in same sentence that's what I think of...what if you used the first part of sentence then went to "few little things to help you during the day ( or your day)."

    Or just Here are a few little things as a small token of my appreciation to help you start of the year...

    Just throwing it out there...
     
  5. CFClassroom

    CFClassroom Connoisseur

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    Aug 13, 2013

    What are these going with?
     
  6. Teachling

    Teachling Groupie

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    Aug 13, 2013

    yes that's exactly the type of feedback I was looking for, the tone. It just wasn't sounding how I wanted it to sound, more exciting, cheerful... Thanks!
     
  7. Teachling

    Teachling Groupie

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    Aug 13, 2013

    Iheart, I was concern with the tone and also was looking to make it more of a boost morale type of message.
     
  8. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Aug 13, 2013

    I didn't want it to sound like I was being mean...hopefully it didn't come off that way...:)
     

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