Help! Big flight with DF...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by chebrutta, Jul 1, 2009.

  1. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Jul 1, 2009

    I agree with everyone above. Marriage is a huge decision!!! If you marry this guy, you will also be "marrying" his mom. Talk to him, tell him how you feel in a calm cool voice, and have a discussion as to where you both see yourselves in the future.
     
  2. kimrandy1

    kimrandy1 Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009


    My mil isn't half a bad as the one the op wrote about, but we have some of the same issues as you're writing about, Alice. Holidays are huge. She dictates how they are going to be, regardless of my wishes, my family's wishes, etc. I had a nice picnic at a Vineyard planned for DH for father's day, already bought the $70 tickets...when she decided to throw a brunch. She didn't decide this until the Friday before the holiday. And dh told me he'd rather go to the brunch. I told him that he's wasting his only gift (the picnic) and he was ok with it, rather than make his mom mad.

    Our Disney trip happens to coincide with mil/fil's wedding anniversary. DH really considered not going because he'd miss their anniversary dinner. We're going.

    I have had to learn to put my foot down. That means that sometimes, I do things (with my own kids) that I want to, but he goes and does what his mom wants. I think that makes her even angrier -because, really, once grandkids are in the picture, that's who she wants to see - but it works for me.
    Kim
     
  3. Sunny Teacher

    Sunny Teacher Rookie

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Have you been able to talk to your DF yet?
     
  4. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Actually, I composed an email. A very long email. It included a family history and how I don't want to be like my mom - stepped on by her MIL and my dad refusing to stand up for her.

    It may also have included an ultimatum. That if he can't stand up to his mom on this, we can't move forward.
     
  5. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I read your original post, but not really the other posters, so excuse me if I'm repetitive. :)

    How sad & wrong for his mom to toss him in the corner so to speak, while she gave all her attn to his bro. :( In a way, sounds like your DF is a tiny bit a momma's boy, but then I know it has more to do w/ her wanting to be close only because he's all she has left. I strongly believe that if his bro was still alive, the mom would keep devoting all her time & attn to him & wouldn't care what your DF did or where he moved nearly as much, which actually would have been a lot more pleasant for YOU!

    He may have stood up to her a few times, but obviously not strongly enough. It's up to the son to alleve the situation btwn his wife & mother. Hopefully counselilng helps, but he needs to tell her to butt out & you two just go ahead & do what you want, move where you want, etc. because after so long, her guilt trips, crying, begging, etc. gets old.

    Life is way too short to have to deal w/ this. You & your DF have to seriously talk about whether you want to be happy together & start a new chapter of your life as a happily married couple OR is it going to be a marriage of frustration & misery because he allows his mom to keep butting in.

    If I were you, I'd want to move FAR, FAR away so you only have to see her once, hopefully just twice a year.

    But, this whole marriage won't work if your DF doesn't put his foot down much harder & stronger. He's given into his mom all this time. If he wants to get married, YOU become the most important person in his life. It would be a shame if you're always playing 2nd fiddle while he keeps putting his mother on this pedestal.

    Maybe you should give him an ultimatum that if things w/ his mom don't get better, you're seriously going to consider ending this engagement. How long have the two of you been together?

    Good luck & I hope it works out!
     
  6. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I just read this thread. Oh, sweetie, you're in such a tight place and I feel for you! My family had a tough time letting go of me emotionally when I moved away (I had always been the family homebody), but they support my decision constantly.

    I cannot fathom being where you are with your fiance refusing to be the one who "leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife" (I don't dive for my bible to quote verse often). Please know we're here for you!
     
  7. flyingmickey

    flyingmickey Rookie

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    Jul 2, 2009

    You will need a husband who always puts you and your future kids first no matter what his mother says. He needs a backbone.

    I'm lucky that my MIL is wonderful and he has never needed to do anything. It's my own family that's crazy and when it was getting more crazy he took a stand that was the best for me. I am always first. You need to be as well.

    You may love him but it's at a cost. How much are you willing to pay?
     
  8. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I broke up with my previous fiance in part because of his mother. I've never made a better decision. She only spoke Thai around me, lied to the relatives about me, manipulated us with money, etc. My mom was truly fearful she would kidnap our children when we had them and take them back to Thailand with her. That is NOT something I want to worry about.

    My current MIL is pretty great, but she has her quirks. It's gotten worse since we got married, simply because she's more comfortable with me and doesn't hold back anything. In one weekend, she sprayed my shoes and told me they smell terrible, told me to put away my laptop and not bring it back out because it was too loud, tried to badmouth my parents for not giving us money for a downpayment like they were and chided me for not eating certain things at dinner. But it's tolerable. If she were trying to pit dh against me, I would NOT be able to handle that.
     
  9. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2009

    How far is he from you? (I think you said he's in a different town/location now for work?)...Emails can be tricky because of implied tone. Did you send the email or are you sitting on it for a while? I'm just wondering if this might be better 'in person' or at least followed up with a phone call or face-to-face with him. This could potentially be the 'watershed moment' of your relationship. Either things are going to change for the better or as you said it could be a matter of not being able to 'move forward'. I'm wishing you the best, chebrutta.
     
  10. Kindergarten31

    Kindergarten31 Cohort

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    Jul 2, 2009

    And people wonder why it has never bothered me that my husband's parents had died long before we married.
     
  11. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2009

    The flip side, of course, is that some inlaws are phenomenal. My mother in law is a gem! When she got word that I was ill, she cried.

    Does she occasionally make me crazy? Sure, but so does my own mom. But her heart is in the right place and she's never been anything but kind to me and to all those I love.
     
  12. 3Sons

    3Sons Connoisseur

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I have awesome inlaws -- I have a blast with my wife's dad, even when he's coercing me into trying strange unlabeled foreign drinks and foods (okay, I'll admit -- especially those times). My BIL and SIL and nieces/nephew on that side are likewise cool to be around, involved in life, and tend to laugh a lot. Frankly, most of the time I like them better than my family, and while my sister's DH is okay, he tends to be waaaayyyy over-the-top interested in sports, and he's a Boston fan (I'm from NY).

    I don't have a MIL, though: she died when DW was 18. I do wish I could have met her.
     
  13. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009

    I sent it. I'm not a very good conversationalist - especially when I get mad. I stutter and lose my train of thought very easily. He knows this and he'll be ok with an email. He's still at work... doesn't get off until 10 tonight.
     
  14. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Gives him a little time to digest the email and you a little time to 'chill'. Will you have time together this holiday weekend?
     
  15. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2009

    No, that's my other source of contention right now. I have to work on the 4th. As my boss puts it, "You don't have a real family yet since you don't have kids."

    Actually, I had asked for last night off to spend time with SIL before she goes back to NYC. He scheduled me anyway (he does this every time I request a day off, even though I rarely do it and also do it 2 weeks ahead of time) and I didn't go in. Still don't know if I'm fired yet. Find out tomorrow morning, I guess.
     
  16. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Jul 2, 2009

    Wow. You sure have some tough people in your life. Sorry about your jerk boss. Uh . . . I think what he said is illegal, but whatever. You have a lot on your plate right now. Hugs and prayers to you!
     
  17. Sunny Teacher

    Sunny Teacher Rookie

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    Jul 3, 2009

    Wishing you the best. Let us know if he writes back/calls.
     
  18. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Jul 3, 2009

    Cherbrutta, how did he react to the email??
     
  19. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    Jul 3, 2009

    I am going to speak for the in-laws. It takes a lot of adjustment to let a new person become the most important person in your child's life. With this new person comes another family that has different values and traditions. And, sometimes you just don't like each other. My daughter has been married over 10 years, and it is just recently that my SIL and I have gotten along. He stayed with us once without the rest of the family. I really got to know him, and liked him. I do wish my daughter had made more effort to help us get acquainted.

    What would have helped? I don't know, but it does take time.
     
  20. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jul 3, 2009

    He emailed me back (I worked all day)... and while he understands where I'm coming from with regards to my family (not wanting to be like my mom, stepped on & never stood up for), he doesn't think I've given his mom a fair chance or tried to get to know her. He did say he doesn't want to go to St. Augustine either; he just doesn't know how to say no to his mom. So it looks like I will have to play the "bad guy" by not getting a job there.

    Which he may have a point... she just really rubs me the wrong way. I'd *like* to like her. But I don't.

    Blue, I have tried some things... asking her to teach me how to cook for a proper seder (I'm Catholic, he's Jewish). I go over for dinner, have them over... it's hard because she makes me feel like it's my job to sit back, listen, and have no opinions. Including a say in me and DF's life.
     

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